h e a r t b e a t;

Margaret Atwood

      he knew this was far from a sound solution ; whatever this was. a part of him knew this wasn’t what god wanted him to do with his remaining time, but god it felt so good to let someone else remedy the part of himself that he hated. most of all, he knew that this wasn’t fair on her, and he felt worse for not CARING, because she had said she wanted this and what more could he do ?  their warm breaths mingled, his hand pressing against her thigh, seemingly revitalized from a drooping mood he’d harboured. “ we fuck & we go fucking crazy together. is that we do ; is that what we are ? ” 

     she didn’t UNDERSTAND what he meant when he said ‘ together, ‘ because she didn’t plan on going crazy any time soon, but maybe something would come up. maybe it  come up  so soon that she would lose her mind faster than him. but right now, she just smiled, mostly because he seemed to. he seemed happier since she kissed him. he didn’t SLITHER away from her again, out of her G R A S P. ‘ if you want that, then yes, ‘ she replied, her lips dancing over his. it didn’t have to be so permanent; he didn’t have to panic.

       ‘ —— you know what? we’ll have better chance at kids baking a cake made of mud for us rather than making one ourselves. there’s not way cream cheese is a thing anymore. sugar? eh, could work it out. crackers? could steal some extra. but dairy products? we’re fucked. —– you’re missing at least ten years of your life! gyros are my favorite food in the world, next to fried chicken and french fries. and greasy food.’ 

     ‘ i know. the world will not be fully restored until i can have some chocolate milk and cheesecake again. maybe we can make something like it. i’m sure we can at least try and bake something good. a PIE, maybe. ---- one gyro is equal to ten years ? wow, that’s s o m e math. oh, french fries. i bet we can make those ! all we have to do is grow potatoes. ‘

     “ think you’ll make it ? ”

     ‘ you know, i don’t know. but i will never not have hope and faith ---- and those should get me through anything. ‘

        ‘ truthfully? yeah, kinda. an ORGY? that sounds fuckin’ wild. ’

     ‘ --- then it was a line. kind of a good one. well, i didn’t do it. i had to use my better judgement. i don’t really regret saying no, either, though sometimes i think about it. ‘

     “ jesus christ. ” he said softly under his breath, and no matter how hard he’d try to pull away, it would only bring him closer to her. it was a mixture of FRUSTRATION and confusion, because with all her capability, this was one decision she couldn’t make. who would he be if he allowed her to ? his head tilts, just slightly, leaning into her kiss – closing his eyes. god, he wanted to sleep ; that’s all he wanted. “ yeah. i know. ” he says with resignation, lips tenderly pressing against her head.

     she didn’t know he was going to hate her for the words she spoke. she figured that they would be SOMETHING he needed to hear. she could tell he was tired; the anguish from another sleepless night radiated off of his skin and seeped into her pores. she only hoped that he could sleep if she couldn’t. she remembered these nights, when he was  restless, sometimes mean. she’d kiss him and fuck him until he could sleep, even if she was far more exhausted before he was. so she moved her lips to his, doing what she knew. her fingers rested on his jaw, her thumb on his chin in hopes that it’d give him something. comfort, if not sleep.

[Sirens blare] Where are you? What do you mean? I'm right here. [Sirens] Any fire truck you can hear at your house I can hear at mine.

     ‘ so i hear. i’m told it looks like a wasteland around here. ‘

     “ you have the time to practice now. ”

     ‘ well, i already settled here, so i guess i have to wait until i move again. ‘

     he’s sat against the EDGE of the bed, using all his restraint to not turn back and let the facade of everything being okay consume him. but everything wasn’t ; and he valued REALITY more than he’d let on, despite the fatal flaws that came with everything real. “ you know things about me now. and i know you think you want this, but you don’t. ” he shrugged indifferently, eyes glued to the floor – this was her out and it’d be better for both of them if she took it. 

     she wasn’t sure where the line between her being hard-headed was and her truly wanting him was, but her response was some mixture of both. maybe it was her wanting him more, however, especially after the events they’d just done. elise moved toward him, curling up against his side. she held onto his arm and kissed his neck and mumbled, ‘ i want this. ‘ even if everything was going to change, she liked this now. she had to live too much in the now because he was always afraid, or so she thought, of the future. it was why he left, wasn’t it ? ‘ i missed you too much. ‘

     her last words STUNG undeniably – – despite the lack of malicious intent behind them, and his recognition of the fact that he deserved them. something as simple as kiss on the shoulder, sent him into a state of euphoria ; he couldn’t decide if it desperately dependent or just plain weak ; but it was nothing good, surely. “ i should go. ” he said, reluctantly pulling away from her touch.

     and so ‘ temporarily ‘ made a lot more sense that it had moments ago. she hadn’t thought about what she said; she just didn’t want him to feel TRAPPED into staying. at least, this time, he said something. at least they might be able to see each other again. still, it didn’t stop how her heart sunk into her  stomach.  she didn’t think she was still in love with him but what was this pain if she wasn’t ? ‘ do you HAVE to ? ‘ she asked quietly, staring down at her legs.

     “ how about waiting ? ”

     ‘ oh, i think i’m not nearly as patient as i want to be. ‘

     ‘ i mean, but imagine how many people would still be ALIVE and how many people wouldn’t be heartbroken. ‘