retailstuck @retailstuck - Tumblr Blog

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bad boob: yoko is the best character ever

Dayman: #CANT GET LAID

bad boob: jade

Dayman: BASICALLY

bad boob: irl au jade

bad boob: jade cosplays yoko

bad boob: there it is

bad boob: put it out there

bad boob: she wants bro to fuck her so bad

Dayman: THANK GOD

Dayman: she like trys really hard not to be recognizable

Dayman: and shes like

Dayman: at a con

Dayman: and hes chattin her up shes not wearing her glasses

bad boob: wears contacts

Dayman: and ddirk comes by and is like hey jade

bad boob: shes like

bad boob: FUCK YOU DIRK

Dayman: storms off

bad boob: bro raises his eyebrows

bad boob: no shit! that was jade?

bad boob: i never realised she was kinda hot

bad boob: cool.

bad boob: never thinks about it again

bad boob: jade thinks about what could have been literally all the time

Dayman: jade like

bad boob: holds a grudge against dirk for years

Dayman: beats dirk with her gun

Dayman: its like

Dayman: pvc and foam so it doesnt rezlly hurt

bad boob: it hurts his spirit tho

bad boob: his pride is diminished

Dayman: omfg

Dayman: dirk cosplays boota human

#jade #bro #dirk #retailstuck #jade cant get laid

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terezi, vriska, sollux, aradia and tav have a dnd group in jr high and high school. terezi and vriska started it because they were like, "this is gonna be fucking awesome" and aradia joins and sollux joins by extension and tavs only there because he was the only one who really knew how to play at first anyways. sollux is dm and he lets pretty much everything slide like if terezi comes across a dragon she'll sit all gendo ikari pose thinking for a while and then looks at sollux and goes, "C4N 1 FUCK 1T?" and hes like, "yeah iif you roll over a twelve" and she rolls a twenty and describes fucking it for about a half hour. tav is that guy who takes it waaaay too seriously and gets mad at everyone constantly for making jokes and stuff and gets mad at sollux regularly, calling him a shit dm. in truth sollux is a really apathetic dm and is only really there for aradia and shes really into it shes a level 100 necromancer or some shit and she fucking loves playing the game.

the dnd group is kinda like vriskas dark secret because shes in the popular crew at school and she doesnt want anyone to know she plays because, "It will ruin my reput8tion!" terezi doesnt give a shit she wears fucking dragon shirts to school literally daily she does not give a fuck (dave is kinda in love with her in jr high bc hes like "there she is the coolest girl ever") she named their facebook group "SW4G 4ND CH41NS"

one day vriska invites john to one of their sessions because she trusts him and hes literally the only person outside of the group who knows about it - and this is after about 2 years of everyone getting pretty sick of tavros' bitching about everything - so john goes with her and this is after aradias had an incredibly awful day and she goes to ask sollux if she can do something pretty menial and tavros is like "nO THAT GOES AGAINST THE RULE BOOK YOU CAN'T DO THAT" and aradia fucking flips she turns to sollux and is like "can i kill tavros" and sollux shrugs and goes "iif you roll over a ten" so she does and then shes like "can i chop off his head" and sollux is like "ii'll allow iit" and she just goes on this roll like, disemboweling, sticking his head on a pike, tearing all his limbs off, using his blood as warpaint and tav is horrified and like "uH, wHY ARE YOU LETTING HER DO THIS," and aradia basically goes on this spree killing as many things as she can and like vriska gets killed at some point and john sad little character gets killed and johns like "this is so fucked up." and sollux just lets aradia do whatever she wants because he knows she had a rough day and hes not gonna stop her from getting her frustrations out and after the session john turns to vriska and is like, "yeah, i don't think i'm going to come to any more of your little game things." and vriskas like, "What? Why not? Don't dwell on what happened today, Aradia was just a little pissy, it happens sometimes!!!!!!!!" and johns like, "yeah, see that's the problem. it's happened more than once." so he never goes to another session again and once shes calmed down sollux, aradia, terezi and vriska all agree that that session was null and never happened - which terezi is kinda pissed about bc she was the only one aradia didn't kill - but they dont tell tavros and make him build his character back up from scratch. about a month later they stop telling tavros when the next sessions are because theyre sick of his shit and for christmas they all get each other matching dragon shirts COMPLETELY BY ACCIDENT and they all wear them to school the first day back after holidays. terezi's shirt had the biggest dragon on it.

#terezi #vriska #sollux #aradia #tavros #john #retailstuck

anytime bros leaving a room full of people he says "later boners" and theres this one time that dave and john are in dave's room mackin and theres some heavy petting going on too and they have the door open just a crack bc they forgot bro was home so bros about to leave for his shift at work and he swings by daves room to say goodbye, and he sees dave and john doing their thing and he just like smirks and throws open the door, and yells "later boners!" before he leaves, cackling and dave and john are so fucking embarrassed and john's like, "next time, make sure your doors fucking shut, dumbass."

#bro #dave #john #retailstuck

ok so rose in middle school, that's her hella goth phase like the thing with the lalondes is mom and roxy are both tall and thin, almost supermodel like and then rose is short like 5'3 and curvy as hell and in middle school shes kinda chubby and she resents that a lot and wishes she was more like mom and roxy and she starts wearing all black even though her favourite colour is purple because its slimming and mom makes an offhanded comment like "please don't go goth" and rose is like im going to do exactly that. so shes like 12 or 13 and has this long hair thats always in her face and she starts wearing really poorly applied black eyeshadow and eyeliner and black lipstick that runs all the time along with her black clothes and mom is really frustrated but doesnt say anything to her about it but she gets tired of the fact that she doesnt have any pictures of rose where you can see her face properly so she buys rose this purple headband and puts it in a little gift bag with tissue paper and a little note that just says "Love, Mom" and rose sees it and cant fucking believe it and she refuses to wear it. the next week roxy has a hair appointment right after school so rose goes with her and gets her hair cut into a bob with bangs so her hairs not in her face anymore and she brings the headband with her and puts it in her hair right after because she doesnt really need it anymore and she gets home and goes up to Mom and makes this big display of being like, "Thank you so much for this lovely headband, Mother! I can't tell you how much I needed it." and Mom's like, pissed that rose did that but she cant really complain bc her now she can see roses face and shes still wearing the headband. that year rose starts hanging out with kanaya in school and kanaya's like "Look, If We're Going To Hang Out I'm Teaching You How To Apply Makeup" so she shows rose how to properly apply eyeshadow and eyeliner and shows her the wonder that is lip liner so roses makeup, while still black, is hella on point and always looks super nice and shes actually pale enough that the black makeup actually looks really nice on her with her platinum blonde hair so she keeps wearing her makeup like that through high school as well, and about the summer of 8th grade her and Kanaya start dating after about a year of them flirting with each other and not saying anything. in high school rose loses the baby fat from her face but shes still definitively pear shaped and she stops wearing only black and incorporates purples and white into her wardrobe and kanaya helps her pick out clothes that flatter her shape so shes got a lot of high waisted skirts and tights and rose hardly ever wears jeans. rose is in advanced english and submits stories to the towns art newspaper all the time Striders and Lalondes are cousins and rose and dave are really close but in a "if you tell me a secret and i need something from you i will use it as blackmail" but they still tell each other everything. rose is one of jades few close girl friends and shes pretty close with john too, obviously.

#rose #kanaya #mom #retailstuck

Dayman: did we even discuss anything abotu jade

bad boob: yeah tons of stuff

Dayman: i fucking forget anything that wasent

Dayman: hangs out with dave all the time

Dayman: and wants bros dick

bad boob: omg

Dayman: because literally those are the two things

Dayman: i would do

bad boob: LMAO

bad boob: nerd

bad boob: yeah shes hella got the hots for bro

bad boob: hella disappointed when she figures out hes gay for dad

bad boob: but

bad boob: shes tall as shit

bad boob: pacific islander

bad boob: really pretty

bad boob: but

Dayman: plot wise tho

bad boob: boys are too intimidated by her height to ask her out

bad boob: and girls think shes 100% straight

bad boob: shes pan

Dayman: cant get laid

bad boob: not even a little

bad boob: not for lack of trying either

bad boob: people just dont get her hints

Dayman: she approched karkat onc and he stated crying

bad boob: OMG

Dayman: softly

bad boob: karkat is so short

bad boob: like

bad boob: 5'2

bad boob: jades like

bad boob: 6'1

Dayman: a beast of a woman

Dayman: and like

Dayman: not like

Dayman: super skinny eaither

Dayman: like amazonian woman

bad boob: like

bad boob: wonder woman

Dayman: with hips like woah

bad boob: yeaaa

bad boob: one year she did dress up as wonderwoman for halloween at school

bad boob: no one could stop starring

Dayman: you mean every year

bad boob: yea

bad boob: no different super hero every year

bad boob: she goes as zatanna one year

Dayman: bnive

Dayman: nice

bad boob: everyone looks forward to halloween bc thats when you get to see lots of jade

bad boob: ;)

bad boob: john and jake are like

bad boob: REALLY protective of her

bad boob: like

bad boob: "hey get away from my sister/cousin!!"

bad boob: and like

Dayman: and shes so fucking done

Dayman: with them

bad boob: theyre both on the football team

Dayman: shes like i swear to god guys

bad boob: and scare away potential dates

Dayman: and shes taller than both of them

bad boob: no omg same height

Dayman: no

bad boob: theyre all the same height

bad boob: and then jane

Dayman: no

bad boob: is lil

bad boob: itty bitty

Dayman: jake is like

Dayman: 5'10

Dayman: so is john

Dayman: but more broad then jade

bad boob: more likely to beat the shit out of someone

bad boob: so on halloween when boys are oogling her

bad boob: they stare them down

bad boob: and shes like

bad boob: "I WANT THEM TO LOOK AT ME STOP THAT"

bad boob: jades fucking great at chemistry

bad boob: physics too

bad boob: still takes bio bc she finds it interesting

bad boob: everyones like

bad boob: "jade you only need two sciences"

bad boob: shes like

bad boob: your point?

bad boob: aces all three

bad boob: has them all in the same semester

bad boob: and gym

bad boob: she takes gym even after grade 10

Dayman: shes one of THOSE people

Dayman: shes also on the vollyball team but only cuz she gets to wear the tiny shorts

Dayman: and make sexual ball htting noises

bad boob: omg yeah

bad boob: tennis too

Dayman: TRYIN TO GET LAID THATS MAH GURL

bad boob: god bless

Dayman: TONS OF GUYS COME TO VOLLYBALL

Dayman: JUST TO SEE LIKE

Dayman: FEF

Dayman: AND JADE

Dayman: AND VRISKA

bad boob: yeah omg

bad boob: omg

bad boob: vriska and terezi are like

bad boob: all bone

bad boob: like

Dayman: STILL HOT

bad boob: little twigs

bad boob: but hot as hell

bad boob: vriskas still p tall

bad boob: 5'6

bad boob: terezis tiny

bad boob: like

bad boob: 5'1

bad boob: omg but yeah jade

bad boob: jade where does she work again??

Dayman: UH

Dayman: UHHHHH

bad boob: discovery hut right

bad boob: omg

bad boob: bb

bad boob: she fucking rocks that job

bad boob: really good with kids

bad boob: part of me almost wants her to work at the pet store instead

Dayman: UGH

Dayman: I KNOW

bad boob: the petland and shes one of those people who has to wear one of those lil safari outfits

Dayman: all of them do

bad boob: GOOD

bad boob: god

bad boob: shed be so cute in that omg

bad boob: killer legs

bad boob: walks around with a parrot or parakeet on her shoulder

bad boob: when people want snakes shell pull them out for them

bad boob: same w tarantulas

bad boob: girls got no fear

bad boob: yeah i like her at the pet store way more than discovery hut

bad boob: how do u feel about that

Dayman: i feel good about that

#jade #retailstuck

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the high school days continue

John- is a huge fucking nerd in middleschool but he has no idea because his dad keeps telling him that he's a winner so hes like got self esteem just bursting out of him and like as soon as he gets in highschool he like joins the football team and is still friends with dave like literally throughout high school john is a huge fucking dork but thinks hes way too great to ever be a dork so no one ever tells him and hes part of the popular crew because hes got so much goddamn self esteem everyone's like "well yeah, hes really popular" and hes really good friends with vriska but dave fucking hates vriska so dave refuses to hang around him anytime vriska is around but john thinks shes really cool and tried to convince himself he likes her bc hes most definitely not a homosexual but they dont work out in terms of dating but still stay really good friends. john always goes to house parties at the lalondes on the weekends and gets really drunk and always ends up making out with karkat at some point but theyre both really drunk but not as drunk as they make everyone think and john keeps pretending its dave hes kissing but thats p hard to do because christ karkat is all teeth so the next monday john will be seen at school going "man i was soooooooo drunk this weekend i dont remember ANYTHING." and no one says anything bc theyre just like looking at him with sad eyes like "one day you'll realise" also dave is really good at math so johns like always cheating off his tests and like bats his eyes at dave to get him to help him cheat its not like till senior year that john realizes how gay he is for dave and hes sitting alone in his room and he just whispers into the empty space "goddamnit"

and the universe replies with "no homo"

#john #dave #retailstuck

so basically we figured out what everyone was like in middle school and high school because its fucking hilarious is why so here we go this is the best i can rememeber

Dave- had like greasy shoulder length blonde hair and wore ill fitting pants and like the same fucking hoodie everyday in middle school wirh those dumb fucking anime glasses and he has almost headgear and he thought he was really cool but john only hung out with him because he had all the yugioh cards he wanted/ felt bad for him, also this is the time when dave develops a crush on egbert. over the summer between high school bro is like " you better fucking cut that hair or i will strife you and cut it off myself" so he cuts it and looks way better but still wears the hoodie and shitty pants cause he thinks their cool because bro bought them but bro really bought them because he couldnt be assed to buy him proper clothes cause fuck this kids gonna grow out of them anyway so fuck it. so his headgear is less stupid now and hes slowly growing out of being a huge fucking nerd and enjoys fucking around with terezi because she wears cool fucking dragon shirts and johns still like friends with him because dave is really fun but he would never admit that to anyone because he still thinks that everyone thinks dave is a loser but no one really gives a fuck anymore except john and most of the time hes like why is dave so great why do i like dave so much no homo. finally in like senior year dave gets his braces off and starts wearing skinny jeans and like hot people clothes and hes skinny as fuck and looks great in them and also wears the shades john gave him and johns like oh no hes hot and jade is like " are you serious did you not see this coming look at his brother oh my god your a fuking dumb ass i swear to god " and fucking jade is like daves confidant throughout highschool i'll talk about her later. but like daves hot now and then after gradation he gets his job at target and hes like still fucking in love with john and is just chill being his best friend because no homo dude no homo. also dave almost gets this hilarious rep in highschool because all the girls were always going over to his place when it was really just to like watch movies and have dave cook them shit in his massive kitchen and it was like girl time where they got to eat food and talk about their feelings a lot and the striders house was like THE house to go when you are having a shitty day . but like dave is a fucking nerd through highschool but like everyone can like see him slowly getting hotter and cooler but john

#dave #john #retailstuck

HPLY FUCK

Pink Shinji: UI JUST LIKE

Pink Shinji: THOUGTH OF

Pink Shinji: WHAT IF LIKE

Pink Shinji: SO THERE IS THIS EPISDOE OF ITS ALWAYS SUNNY

Pink Shinji: AND IT GAVE ME A THOUGHT

Pink Shinji: so when dave was a kid bro hadnt done anything with smuppets yet no money kinda broke

Pink Shinji: but on christmas the tradtion was like

Pink Shinji: little 6-8 year old dave would be sitting on the couch watching rudoulph

Pink Shinji: and the door would ring and dave would answer it in his little footie pajamas

Pink Shinji: and a santa would hand him a present and then go into bros room for a while

Pink Shinji: then the door would ring again

Pink Shinji: and another santa with another gift

Pink Shinji: and so dave would sit on the couch playing with his new gifts as the santas would go into bros room and make him happy for a while

Pink Shinji: and dave would sit and play with toys

Pink Shinji: what dave doesnt realize

Pink Shinji: and like a shit ton of santas ring the doorbell ok

Pink Shinji: like

Pink Shinji: 15

Pink Shinji: dave doesnt ever realize until he tells this to john

Pink Shinji: is that

Pink Shinji: bro is a fucking male prositute

Pink Shinji: and these santas are running fucking train on bro

Pink Shinji: AND IM THINKING ABOUT THIS AND I CANT STOP LAUGHING

Pink Shinji: HES WITH JOHN

Pink Shinji: AND THE MALL SANTA IS THERE

Pink Shinji: AND DAVES LIKE

Pink Shinji: FREAKING OUT

Pink Shinji: AND WALKS UP TO HIM AND IS LIKE

Pink Shinji: JUST STARING AND SILENT

Pink Shinji: AND THE SANTA LOOKS AT JOHN LIKE WTF

Pink Shinji: YOU ARE TOO OLD FOR THIS

Pink Shinji: AND DAVE JUST BLURTS OUT

Pink Shinji: "DID YOU FUCK MY BRO"

Pink Shinji: AND SANTAS LIKE WHAT

Pink Shinji: DAVES LIKE

Pink Shinji: "DID YOU FUCK MY BRO DID YOU FUCKING FUCK MY BRO"

Pink Shinji: JOHN ENDS UP HAVEING TO LIKE DRAG HIM AWAY

Pink Shinji: IM LAUGHING SO HARD AT MY OWN BRAIN ITS SO FUCKING FUNNY TO ME

#dave #bro #john #THIS IS MY FAVE #DID U FUCK MY BRO #retailstuck

Pink Shinji: oh my god

Pink Shinji: dirk and dave look identical except for hair and eye color

bad bud: yep

bad bud: B)

Pink Shinji: sometimes they dress like each other to fuck with people

bad bud: YO

bad bud: YEAH

bad bud: only bro knows

bad bud: dirk will go to target and dave will go to the apple store

bad bud: dave stands there as people hand him their phones expecting him to fix it

Pink Shinji: dirk dressed up like dave and like runs up to john and grabs his ass and kisses his neck thinking johns gonna go all no homo

bad bud: "i have no idea what im goin"

Pink Shinji: but hes like

Pink Shinji: really into it

Pink Shinji: so dirks like

bad bud: OH MY GO D DS

Pink Shinji: SHIT

Pink Shinji: IM DIRK

Pink Shinji: OH MY GOD

Pink Shinji: YOU WANNA FUCK DAVE

Pink Shinji: so thats how dirk finds out

bad bud: oh M Y GF OD

Pink Shinji: and johns like

Pink Shinji: DONT YOU TELL HIM OR ELSE I WILL TELL BRO YOU FRISKED ME

Pink Shinji: AD YOU WILL DIE

bad bud: YAH

bad bud: so dirk just keeps his mouth shut

bad bud: tbh hes horrified

bad bud: without explanation he goes up to bro and is like "johns gay for dave"

bad bud: and bros like

bad bud: yeah

Pink Shinji: WHAT IF DAVE FINDS OUT I FUCKING RUTTED AGAINST THE MAN HE LOVES

bad bud: he knows he could take dave but he doesnt know if he could take angry lovesick dave

bad bud: tbh theyre pretty evenly matched daves attention span is just shittier than dirks

bad bud: rly easy to distract him

Pink Shinji: dirk has tinsel on strings hidden strategically throughout the house

Pink Shinji: when he needs dave to stop talking to him he will like

Pink Shinji: make it flash by in his peripheral vision

Pink Shinji: and daves like

Pink Shinji: yO

Pink Shinji: WTF WAS THAT

bad bud: did u see that???

Pink Shinji: hes like a cat wit a lazer pointer

bad bud: ye

bad bud: or like a fuckin bird

bad bud: always looking at shiny things

#dave #dirk #john #bro #retailstuck

bad bud: ok also we already established that bro fucked all of upper management at target to get his job and get away w all the shit he does on shift

bad bud: which at work today

bad bud: i couldnt stop laughing thinking about that bc literally in the orientation on of the videos is "here at target we do not take sexual favors for promotions or raises"

bad bud: unless ur bro strider

Pink Shinji: OH MY GOD

bad bud: did u forget about that

bad bud: also

bad bud: whenever dave and john are around bro will only refer to john as "daves boyfriend" (before they start dating)

bad bud: but anytime johns not around hell call him by his name

Pink Shinji: i didnt but im imaging him taking that as a challenge

bad bud: or anytime daves not around hell call john kid

bad bud: OH MY GOD

bad bud: lit

bad bud: and ok ok

bad bud: so i had this idea

bad bud: that one day dave and john are meant to hang out after work

bad bud: but daves shift extends about 2 hours past johns

bad bud: so daves like

bad bud: just go to my place bro should be there hell let you in ill meet you there

bad bud: goes to the striders apartment

bad bud: knocks on the door

bad bud: bro answers, straight outta the shower in only a towel

bad bud: goes

Pink Shinji: johns like

Pink Shinji: gets woozy

bad bud: "Well, hey if it isn't Dave's boyfriend."

Pink Shinji: with all the blood rusing to his dick so fast

bad bud: omg

bad bud: swoon

Pink Shinji: he like actually passes out tho

bad bud: OH MY GOD NO

bad bud: THATS

bad bud: AHAHHAHAHHA

bad bud: PASSES OUT THO

bad bud: IM PICTURING IT

Pink Shinji: face falls right into bros

bad bud: dick

Pink Shinji: wet chest

Pink Shinji: bros like

Pink Shinji: " dave your boyfriend got a boner and passed out"

bad bud: AHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

bad bud: omg what if

bad bud: he got a boner 'cause hes like

bad bud: "what if thats what dave looks like"

Pink Shinji: what if dave looks like that

bad bud: and imagines

bad bud: yea

bad bud: u get me

Pink Shinji: cause like bro doesnt have his shades ob

Pink Shinji: and his hairs all flat down

bad bud: what no way bro would totally have his shades on

Pink Shinji: and looks startlingly like dave

bad bud: omg

bad bud: what if

bad bud: one time in high school

bad bud: john walked in on dirk and dave making out in the locker room or s/t

bad bud: like practicing

bad bud: and he cant get that fucking image out of his head

bad bud: IM GETTING OUT OF CONTROL I DIDNT FINSISH MY THOUGHT

bad bud: anyways so yeah john goes there bro lets him in bro gets kinda dressed (aka sweatpants and no shirt)

Pink Shinji: and hes like

Pink Shinji: never told anyone

bad bud: yeah

bad bud: and bros like "this is the perfect opportunity to learn more about dadbert"

bad bud: so hes like

bad bud: "Hey, kid. What can you tell me about your old man?

bad bud: and johns like

bad bud: smirks

bad bud: knows whats up

bad bud: "what do you want to know?"

bad bud: bros like

bad bud: "Uhh."

Pink Shinji: how bigs his dick

bad bud: lmao

bad bud: john goes

bad bud: "i'll tell you anything you wanna know under one condition."

bad bud: bro

bad bud: "I'm not gonna fuck you."

bad bud: johns like "not that, asshole!"

bad bud: "you have to give me some info on dave in exchange."

bad bud: him and bro end up talking

bad bud: having a big gay heart to heart

bad bud: and thats why bro knows about johns crush on dave

bad bud: and dave walks in from work a few hours later

bad bud: bro and john are sitting at the table with hot chocolate

bad bud: gossiping like a bunch of girls

bad bud: daves like

bad bud: "what the fuck"

Pink Shinji: they are half way through the ben and jerrys

Pink Shinji: johns got his legs in bros lap

bad bud: omg

bad bud: yeah

Pink Shinji: and dave comes in like

Pink Shinji: yo

Pink Shinji: this is hella gay

bad bud: hes like

bad bud: "bro ive seen you with a dick up your ass and this is still the most gay ive ever seen you"

Pink Shinji: "and john"

Pink Shinji: "for shame"

bad bud: oh my god

Pink Shinji: and johns like

Pink Shinji: i wanna kiss u so bad no homo

bad bud: omg

bad bud: OMG

Pink Shinji: -gazes longingly-

bad bud: YEAH

bad bud: bro is just like

bad bud: giving dave this smug ass look

bad bud: bc he knows something dave doesnt

bad bud: daves like

bad bud: wtf is happening

Pink Shinji: why is my dick twitching

bad bud: omg

bad bud: "my gay senses are tingling"

Pink Shinji: johns like

Pink Shinji: you better close your mouth before i stick my dick in it

bad bud: YOOOO

bad bud: YOOOOOOOOOOO

bad bud: daves rly good at deepthroating btw

bad bud: got lots of practice w dirk

#IM NOT TAKING THE TIME STAMPS OFF IDC TOO MUCH #dave #john #bro #retailstuck

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bad bud: in our au

bad bud: i want dirk and dave to be twins

bad bud: and theyre like

bad bud: the kinda twins who keep insinuating that theyve done stuff together

bad bud: bc they totally have

bad bud: but like

Pink Shinji: HITOMI

bad bud: they

bad bud: ok so

Pink Shinji: HITACHI

Pink Shinji: WHATEVER

bad bud: they practiced kissing w each other

bad bud: bc they were like

Pink Shinji: YES

Pink Shinji: OBVI

bad bud: "we're striders we cant be band at kissing"

bad bud: and then they practiced bjs on each other bc they were like

bad bud: "gotta wow my future partner"

bad bud: but they didnt do butt stuff bc theyre pretty sure thats when the legal issues come in

bad bud: bro never knew

bad bud: (bro would have joined if he knew)

Pink Shinji: BRO WOULD OF CUM IN HIS PANTS IF HE NEW

bad bud: YEAH.

bad bud: and dave and dirk used to share a room

bad bud: so it was easy to get away w that stuff

#dirk #dave #bro #retailstuck

bad bud: omg

bad bud: anytime johns at the striders

bad bud: bro always goes

bad bud: "hey dave what do you and your boyfriend want to eat tonight?"

bad bud: and dave always blushes and is like

bad bud: hes not my boyfriend!

bad bud: and john just like

bad bud: laughs everytime

bad bud: but blushes

bad bud: because oh my god does he ever wish they were boyfriends the things he would do to dave strider

bad bud: but daves too busy getting mad at bro to notice

bad bud: and bro notices

bad bud: and bro totally knows that john likes dave

bad bud: and he keeps telling dave to stop being a lil' bitch and just ask him out already

bad bud: and daves like no man the timings not right

bad bud: and bro just rolls his eyes

bad bud: calls him a pussy

#dave #jonh #bro #retailstuck

bad bud: omg so

bad bud: john actually really likes dave

bad bud: but he thinks dave is straight

bad bud: so he keeps doing/saying really gay things without realising it

bad bud: and thats why

bad bud: hes always saying no homo

bad bud: dave says hes sad and john kisses the top of his head to make him feel better

bad bud: "no homo"

Pink Shinji: omfg

bad bud: daves all nervous for some reason and fidgety as theyre walking somewhere so john holds his hand to calm him down

bad bud: "no homo"

bad bud: just like imagine

bad bud: him leaning in

bad bud: and whispering it in daves ear

bad bud: each time

Pink Shinji: omg

#john #dave #retailstuck

Pink Shinji: my headcannon is that dad watches nothing but national geographic documentarys

bad bud: omg

bad bud: yeah

bad bud: holy shit yea

Pink Shinji: hes got like

Pink Shinji: signed photos of dr. zahi hawass

bad bud: holy fuf ck

#dad #retailstuck

bad bud: ok so what if

bad bud: dad actually like runs the mall

bad bud: like rents out spaces

bad bud: deals with random shit

bad bud: but like executive type obv

bad bud: andlike bro has no clue hes freaking out he like

bad bud: goes to dave once dave gets back home one day and hes like

bad bud: "please tell me about johns dad"

bad bud: and daves like

bad bud: uh what do you wanna know

bad bud: and bros like

bad bud: why was he at the mall that kids shift didnt end for another 2 hours

bad bud: and daves just stares at him and is like

bad bud: dude

bad bud: hes the owner

bad bud: and bros like

bad bud: SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT

bad bud: but dave doesnt tell him

bad bud: that he was just at johns

bad bud: and dadbert was all like

bad bud: "Even though it was highly irresponsible, that nerf war sure was fun."

bad bud: "Was that your father who started it all?"

bad bud: and daves like

bad bud: nah man thats bro

bad bud: and dad's just like "hmm he seems a lot older than your typical brother"

bad bud: and daves like "yeah i think hes almost 40 now or something"

bad bud: and dads just like

bad bud: stocking away all this info on bro

bad bud: bc he finds him really interesting

bad bud: and like

bad bud: dave gets it right away

bad bud: and dave also knows that bros got the hots for dad

bad bud: but dave doesnt say anything to either of them

bad bud: and johns like

bad bud: "why do you care so much, dad? do you think he's hot?"

bad bud: and dad just like

bad bud: blushes

bad bud: coughs to clear his throat and goes

bad bud: "No, of course not. That's absurd."

bad bud: walks away talking about business to take care of

[bad bud: john turns to dave

bad bud: "oh my god, i think my dad's gay for your bro?!"

Pink Shinji: oh my fuvk

Pink Shinji: god bless america

bad bud: omg and daves like

bad bud: you can see that but you cant see how gay i am for you wtf

#bro #dad #dave #john #retailstuck

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literally everything in this is directly copy pasted from our google doc who knows who wrote which paragraphs???

(usually me)

bad bud: so one day

bad bud: bro and dave are like

bad bud: lets have a nerf war in the store

bad bud: bc

bad bud: w/e

Pink Shinji: yeah

bad bud: and its gr8 and dave tells john

Pink Shinji: end up having a nerf war with walmart

bad bud: YEAH

bad bud: john coaxes vriska into it

bad bud: daves like "ugh no girls allowed"

bad bud: but lets her join anyways

bad bud: may as well make the teams even

bad bud: and dave and bro break the packaging a shit ton on two nerf guns at work and are like

bad bud: "oh no reverse logistics guess well take em

Pink Shinji: and bro is last man standing an suddenly

Pink Shinji: bang

Pink Shinji: dadbert

bad bud: OMG

bad bud: YEAH

bad bud: gets hit right in the middle of the chest

bad bud: looks up

bad bud: suave hot dude standing on the other side of the food court

bad bud: looking at him

bad bud: bros like

bad bud: "oh no he's hot"

Pink Shinji: hes like who the fuck

Pink Shinji: and johns like

Pink Shinji: HI DAD

bad bud: AHh

Pink Shinji: and bros like

Pink Shinji: FUCK

bad bud: "nice shot, dad!"

bad bud: dave turns and looks

bad bud: "is this just an entire family of hot people"

Pink Shinji: BROS LIKE

Pink Shinji: -NERVOUS SWEATING

bad bud: omg

Pink Shinji: DROPS HIS GUN

bad bud: dad just frowns and says

bad bud: "isn't it irresponsible to be having a nerf gun war in the middle of the mall?"

bad bud: stares bro down

bad bud: bros like "uhhhhhhh"

bad bud: points at dave

bad bud: "it was his idea"

bad bud: dad frowns more

Pink Shinji: RUNS AWAY

bad bud: dad shakes his head

bad bud: thinking like

bad bud: that man is at least a decade older what is he thinking

bad bud: why am i so attracted to him

Pink Shinji: " im gonna fuck him in the ass"

bad bud: LMAO YEAH

#dave #john #bro #dad #retailstuck

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