Sara's Restless Words

So I’m just going to type what I feel at this very moment.

Over and over I get asked, “When are you going to have another?” or “Are you going to have another?”

No. God willing, no!

But why? Don’t you want her to have a sibling? You’re so good at...blah, blah blah blah blah...

No.

I don’t want more. My typical response, aside from the one above, is “but I already have perfection. Why mess that up?”

I love my child, I love her as much as I love her dad, which is to say a lot. But no, I don’t want another child. Why? Well, you’re about to find out all the reasons.

I am an extremely observant person. I notice everything. I notice your idiosyncrasies, your smile, your tone, your lies, the things you do well and the things you flat out suck at.  However, my momma didn’t raise a fool, and I know how to keep things to myself. As a teacher, I also know that I am guilty of having favorites (it’s never who you think it is). If you combine those two, it can lead to disaster with multiple children. It can lead to me comparing my children, and them competing with each other instead of having a healthy relationship. Screw that. No thank you.

I am selfish. I want to provide the world for my child, and also pursue the dreams Z and I had way before we thought of having children. Right now we are able to do that. We can travel the world, save for her college (if college is still a thing in 18 years), and enjoy our home without having to worry about expenses too much. If we were to add to our family, we would not be able to afford to live in this city let alone do all of the other things. Because I am selfish and want to be able to give my daughter every chance to succeed in a world that is crazy, financially it makes sense to only have one child.

I am tired. I assume most people have heard of postpartum depression. Thank GOD, I did not have that. Actually, having Esther took away most of my anxiety issues, which is a plus. I had an extremely easy pregnancy, a long labor, and then postpartum shock (not depression). Babies are hard to take care of, go figure. It requires energy you don’t have, sleepless nights, boobs on the ready (if you go that route), and changing the lifestyle you had. It’s a wonderful change, but for me, the first six months sucked. I couldn’t run whenever I wanted, go to the store easily, or even take a shower. Combine that with going back to work before maternity leave ended and I was spent. I was tired, and had to choose between being the teacher I wanted to be or the mother I wanted to be. I chose my family. Having another child would mean even more energy spent that this introvert doesn’t have. Which means I wouldn’t just have to chose between work and home. It would mean choose between work, a toddler’s energy, and a newborn’s energy. Once again, screw that. No thanks.

“But aren’t you afraid she’ll be a brat?“ ...Have you met her father. There is no risk of that happening. Nerd, geek, maybe. Brat, no.

“But, don’t you think she’ll miss out on the sibling experience and having a lifelong friend?” Yes, that is my biggest fear in regards to this, but I have also learned that cousins (Dom I’m talking to you) and friends can be as close or closer than family. So, she’ll have the chance to make her family her own.

“But, it’s actually easier in the long run with more kids because they can entertain each other.” Maybe, or maybe they’ll hate each other...that’s just biblical. I mean, seriously, read the OT. Also, I have the best, BEST, siblings in the world. I have three strong people I can turn to outside of my small family. They understand me and support me. But, when I was younger I was horrible to my younger sister.  My husband also had an unpleasant experience with sibling. That could also be Esther’s or this unknown baby’s story. Screw that. No thanks

“But...but...but” There will always be “but” and the what-if’s. But ultimately, my family, uterus, or life are not up to anyone else. What happens to my family is up to my husband and myself.

This week has been such a good week. Yes I know it is only Tuesday, but three days in and it’s still all that and the title of this blog. As most of my family and friends know, I have had nightmares almost every night for the majority of my life. Since hearing about my dad, the horrible dreams have been back with a vengeance. Dreams that make me feel dirty most of the day. Dreams that result in waking myself up with screaming. So my nights have been restless and horrible.

Silver lining though, because my nights are so bad, my days have been so wonderful. I look forward to getting up in the morning just so I can be awake. I look forward to going to work for the distraction. Because I look forward to work, I am a much happier teacher. A happy teacher = more energetic and happier students. 

Yes I am exhausted, and have huge bags under my eyes, but my days are really good. This week I have been able to build some relationships with students I usually don’t talk to much, which is huge for me. Building meaningful relationships with students is my favorite way to make an impact in their lives. If the students can’t relate to you, or don’t want to listen to you, then they will not learn as much. So, this week has been so wonderful just for this small change.

Because I am exhausted, it also means that I don’t have the energy to stress out about things being perfect. When it comes to work, I am the most type A person you can find. I want everything to be perfectly planned, and carried out in the same manner. However, I know that being perfect is impossible, and trying to attain my expectations for myself when exhausted is impossible as well. So, I’ve just decided not to stress it and just go with the flow. Turns out the world doesn’t end when everything isn’t planned to a T. Who would have thought?

To top everything off, my cat got her traveling carrier last night. Moving back to the US is going to be stressful enough, but moving back with a cat who will have to be in cabin with us is even more stressful. Will she meow too much, will she use the bathroom, will she be traumatized (her breed is really shy, and she will be around a bunch of people)? When her case arrived last night, she immediately jumped in it (it has a comfy pillow) and stayed there all night. That is a relief. 

There were small victories this week, and together the small things built up these days and made them wonderful.

It’s a good life. -Peace  

Today has been just one of those days where the skies parted, and all was well in the world. 

The past few weeks, I haven’t been able to sit and relax, or even get to do “me” stuff. There were school events, stuff with my dad, doctor appointments, and just other things popping up. Today was thankfully not like that.

Saturdays are the only day when I get to wake up and spend several hours just by myself. I do my weekly house chores: wash and hang the clothes to dry, sweep and mop the house (The house is maybe 400 sq ft), do the dishes, and take out recyclables. While doing that I get to make a decent breakfast of GF pancakes, tea, and blueberries, and I get to snuggle with the cat. It is the perfect type of morning for me.

After the laundry and everything is done (it takes Korean washers over an hour to just do the washing), I get to do my next favorite thing: I head outdoors. Today was a perfect foggy, crisp, fall morning. Because I had plans later in the day, I opted for a run instead of a hike. So, out the door I went and ran along my favorite part of the river. 

To me nothing is more freeing, mentally, physically, and emotionally, than being outside. When I run, the whole world melts away. I feel physically exhausted, but I get a chance to run out all of my emotions and really get to think in the quiet. It gives me one-on-one time with God. I feel closer to Him when I am outside running, than I have ever felt in a church. For a moment, or 35-60 minutes worth, I get the gift of just running free with nothing to stop me but my own lack of endurance. I do run for the health benefits, but to me, it is even more for my own sanity and solitude.

So, anyway, I got a run in and my overall pace had only slowed down by about 3 seconds per km. Which is pretty great considering I’ve been feeling like crap most days. And, I came back home rejuvenated and ready for my road trip.

After getting cleaned up and such, C and I went on a road trip to Daegu (about 1.5 hours away) just so we could go to Costco. The reason we drive so far to get there is because Costco is the only store I know of that sells things like: real cheese, dill pickles, honey nut cheerios, American soups, and apparently CLAM CHOWDER! I always love going on trips with my friends because we get to talk about work, life, dreams, etc. This time was no different. We spent time talking about our frustrations, our fears of the future, things that were going on in our home/family lives. We were able to reconnect. Being a person who thrives with the one-on-one conversations, this trip was absolutely wonderful.

So we got to Costco, and for the first time in my experience, it wasn’t packed. C and I were able to shop the way we love to shop; get in, get your stuff, get out. Since parking in cities is pretty much nonexistent, we decided to just eat lunch at Costco. I was expecting to eat the salad due to most of their food being just breaded stuff, BUT then I saw it...Clam Chowder. Living in Korea, you don’t eat cream based soups. There is beef bone soup, which is white, but not cream based. I haven’t had a cream based soup in over 3 years. I like clam chowder, but it isn’t usually my go-to type of soup. However, today I ate that clam chowder and I could almost swear that it was the best soup I’ve had in a very long time. It made me think of the comfort of home, of being with my family, and left me feeling warm. It was the perfect ending to the first half of my day.

After that we went home, had more great conversations, almost died a couple times, because, well, Korea driving, and went our separate ways. It is only 3:50 pm, and a lot could happen before I go to bed tonight, but so far it has been a wonderful day in my gift of a life.

...also, my cat has been sitting on my back and purring since I started writing this. My life is kind of great.

Last time I posted about my thoughts, I was mainly angry. Now I am no longer angry, but still disgusted, scared and sad . I quickly came to realize, like I usually do, that anger serves no purpose if it can’t be used to make something better. I am an ocean and several states away from the situation. What good would my anger do.

(BTW: This entire post is focused on my dad. I can’t process all of my feelings for my half-siblings yet, and I have not feelings for Aimee)

Despite how horrible the accusations are against my dad, I am incapable of not loving him. Has he done monstrous things? I don’t know for sure, but it wouldn’t surprise me. Has he done unlovable things? For sure. But I still find myself sad over thinking of him growing old in prison. I am sad that he decided to be a dark version of who he could have been. I get sad knowing that he will get hurt, and will break even more. It’s stupid, but like I said, I still love him. However, do not mistake my love for wanting him to be free and thinking he is innocent. When my brother was in prison, I did not for one second doubt that he had committed crimes. I was not naive enough to think that he was innocent or guilty of every accusation. But you can ask anyone who knows me just how much I love my siblings. They are my world (along with my cat and husband). Which brings me to my disgust. When my siblings and I were younger and told my aunts and uncles (on my dad’s side) about what he/his wife were doing, none of them believed us. There was no proof. This was their brother. I needed to forgive him if he did do anything, and think WWJD? 

This time around, there is proof. There was a freakin’ cage! But, guess what? They still aren’t believing it. They are getting smacked in the face with reality, and they are still acting as though their brother is just a hurt little puppy. I get “surrounding them with love” and all of that crap, see two paragraphs above, but innocent? Misunderstood?  Nah, I don’t think so. Which leaves me with nothing but disgust for my father’s family (well, most of them).

Which leaves me with just being scared. I’m scared that all of his charges will be dropped, and he will have access to my half-siblings again. From experience, any time there is trauma in his life, it gets worse for the kids. I am scared for my brother and sister living in the area. When he gets out on bail, I am afraid he will just show up at their homes to harass them, or worse.  I am scared that my half-siblings won’t bounce back from this. My siblings and I at least had our mother and grandmother. Basically, I’m just scared of the uncertainty. 

This is a poem I wrote from August 2012. It seems relevant again.

As I lay in bed tonight My mind has opened its wings for flight.

Not to lands of lovely dreams, But to memories sewn with ragged seams.

I feel so much guilt… You should see the list I built:

I see the day I ran away, And left my siblings to find their way.

I hear them cry, why? Because they know the good times have died.

Blood that has to be cleaned by the sister, Because he was too weak of a mister.

Smiles that adorn our faces Hide the fact that we are disgraces.

All the days of being sick Now knowing it was just her trick.

Being rejected By whom we were once protected.

Being watched and taped Made it hard to find an escape.

Grandma, Momma, Judge, and Friends, You have helped me make amends.

To the one and only God For your love and healing I applaud

No lovely thoughts come to me this night So, God, please guide me and keep me tight.

I woke up this morning to my sister and mom trying to call me. I just thought they wanted to talk. Then my mom messaged me and told me to stay off of Facebook. Well, shoot. What happened that was so bad. Turns out that the man I call my father was arrested along with his wife. He was arrested for doing the same shit he did when I was younger. Nobody believed us back then, but finally, FINALLY something is being done. People on FB keep on saying “we are praying for you” or “our thoughts are with you.” Please! I don’t need your thoughts, I need there to be justice. I don’t need your prayers, my poor siblings need them. Nothing is happening to me, nothing. But to them, what will happen to them?  I made it through. I stupidly thought that they would do things right with kids that were their own. Gosh, I was so stupid. God gave them a second chance at doing it right, and they went and f-ed it up. And I am angry, oh I am so angry. It started with shock and relief, but now just pure unstoppable anger. And the thing is, I know my father. In his mind, he was in the right. He did what he thought was the correct thing to do. He will never see that he did something wrong. And that just makes me even angrier. Because you can’t argue or even reason with a person who is unwilling to change or admit he is wrong.  This is a man I love, this is a man who told me that he would never hurt me or leave me, this is a man who sang me to sleep, this is a man who taught me so much, this is a man who had a laugh that could make anyone smile, this is a man who I have such fond memories of, this is the man who allowed his wife to abuse us, this is the man who is not whole, this is a man who is my father. For once I get to be the one to say it: I am so disappointed in you.

Over the past month or two, a person at our school has been sending out disturbing emails (and not to me alone). They are not cute, they do not make me scared, they make me angry...

I have been sent emails saying they were going to “fuck” me. They were going to “masturbate with your sex videos.” They begged for sex, and they called me a “bitch.”

Since before I knew what rape was, before my mom and dad even divorced, I have had dreams about people coming and raping me. People abducting me and doing things to me. I continue to have these dreams on a regular basis. So when people send me these messages to my work email, and it’s from my school...I don’t see anything but red. Why? Because I know nothing will be done about it. I will tell my school admin, they will tell the police, and nothing will be done. 

I do not feel safe, I do not feel mercy or grace toward these people, I feel angry and tired. If this person does actually act on these emails and isn’t just harassing me, I will be prepared. I will continue to pray that this person has a change of heart, and I will pray for safety. 

The thing is, people at school see me as this joyful and nice, peaceful person. What they don’t see is the crazy girl who knows how to survive thanks to a slightly paranoid father who taught our whole family how to fight, a mother who knows how to kick some serious butt (seriously, I’ve seen her kick through doors and put up a fight), and my sister instincts that helped me handle pain at times to keep others from having to feel it.

This past year Z and I have been trying for a child, but still no luck. I was told a few years ago that it might be difficult for me to have children, but I just kind of ignored that. I am part Friz, dangit! We are ‘perfect’ or we get disowned...oh wait, I was. Never mind that. 

Anyway, last night I had the most wonderful dream. I had a dream that Z and I got fired (not the good part) and had to leave Korea on the next flight (also not a good part at all), and we had to leave Katzuma behind (also terrible). As Z and I were pretty much running for our lives, he stops me while we were hiding and told me that he knew that I was pregnant. He was so excited and laughing and he picked me up and swung me around (probably not the safest) and we just laughed and hugged and cried. Once I noticed that he was ‘crying,’ I knew it was too good to be true, and realized that I was dreaming. I remembered that I had taken a test just a few days ago to see that I was indeed not pregnant, and then woke up to reality.

Today was an absolutely beautiful day. I was out for a run, when I was just taken aback by how wonderful everything is. Some things in life are out of our control, or are in our control but we can’t handle them well. BUT one thing you can control (for the most part) is how you look at life. Today, choose to make it a beautiful day. The choice is up to you.

Here are my thoughts about some things people say about teachers. Enjoy and share with all who might enjoy!

Recently I’ve been struggling with something I’ve thought about for the past ten or so years. Whether I should continue to eat something I love, simply because I think it tastes delicious, or should I cut it out because it isn’t doing anyone any favors? 

Meat is something that has been a big part of my life...I did grow up on a farm after all. However, seeing as I don’t live on a farm anymore, and don’t know where my food is coming from or how it was treated, and it is expensive, and doesn’t help my body much, I might as well cut it out for the most part. 

So here is a video about why I’m becoming (that’s right, I’m not fully one yet) a vegetarian.

Peace and Love

(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O4uvjDqWSo0)