ʏᴏᴜ ᴄᴀɴ ɴᴇᴠᴇʀ ɢᴏ ʜᴏᴍᴇ

Thoughts: I   Oh, hello! Can you help me? I've lost my parents, and I can't...oh, you're not buying the innocent little girl act at all, huh? Well, that's fine. Playing pretend is fun, but adults are bad partners for it.

Thoughts: II I don't need you to pity me. I made my choices, and I don't regret any of them. I've been making choices alone for a long time.

Thoughts: III Adults are so useless. They act like kids need protecting, but how often do they actually do that? At best, they try and then disappear anyway. At worst, they make a lot of noice about their ideals and then hurt the kids anyway. [ angry, almost growling ] The world the grown ups made is so rotten... [ cheerful ] That's why I'm going to destroy it!

Thoughts: IV It's not fair! It's just not fair! I did everything right! My parents and everyone did everything right! And they still —— I still… It's not supposed to be like that. If you do the right things, good things are supposed to come back to you. That's the promise. That's the rule. It's…supposed to be the rule…

Thoughts: V You always look at me like you can't figure out if you should feel sympathy for me or not. It's fine to hate me. I'm the bad guy. I get it. That's the rule, right? If you do bad things on purpose, bad things come back to you. So it's fine, actually, that you don't trust me. It's fine that the Fractsidus is just using me and hurting me, same as the Order would have. That's fine. ...Don't look at me like that...

Delfina's Hobby  I really like puzzles! No matter how much I forget, I stay really good at them. I have lots and lots. Wanna do one toge — um. Nevermind.

Delfina's Trouble  I don't remember lots of things, 'cause of the Overclocks...they mostly affect recent memories, but sometimes I lose old ones, too. And my memories of my parents are starting to go...

Favorite Food  When the headaches get too bad, my Forte gets out of control. I have medicine that helps, but it makes me nauseous and weak and confused. One of the doctors showed me how to make ginger tea, because he said it helped with headaches, and it does! So now I don't have to take the medicine as much.

Disliked Food  I HATE sour foods! Why would I want what I'm eating to make my mouth feel like that?

Ideals  Equalization. The world went on without me. So I'm going to make it stop.

Chat: I  People think I like dolls because I like pretty dresses and stuff like that, but I really don't. Dolls and teddy bears and things creep me out. I always feel like they're going to start moving when it gets dark out.

Chat: II  A lot of the Fractsidus creations are really scary. Some of them aren't human anymore, or never were. I tried to play with one of the Mawdolls once, thinking she was another kid —— a break from the adults, you know? She almost killed me, and then I got yelled at by an Overseer for messing with the research.

About Scar He's so weird. Sometimes he's really fun, but then he just gets all...fixated, I guess? And then he's just scary. Wh-What do you mean I'm the same! I'm not like him!

About Denia I don't...think I know her? But she's kind of familiar, maybe...really pretty. I think maybe we met in the labs, once. But I don't remember why they'd put me in the labs...usually I'm in medical after my Overclocks. I don't...think I feel safe around her...

About Phrolova She was nice to me for a while. The only good adult, I remember thinking. Then she learned about my history, and she started avoiding me. I tried to talk to her a few times, but she got this look on her face... ...I wonder if I did something bad.

About Cristoforo He's sooo annoying. He just talks and talks and talks and talks. And he always acts like he knows more than me! The worst kind of grown up. ...But, I will say, some of his stories are okay, when he stops getting all dumb an' fancy with them. He's told me a few good ones.

About The Grand Architect It's sorta strange...most of the Fractsidus haven't even met them before. I know I have, but I can't...remember when, exactly. I think it was lots of times. I think we spent a lot of time together, at least for a little bit. But then another Overclock and, well, y'know... When I think about how they could be anybody, I get kinda nervous. Like, maybe I'm not talking to you, but...

About Phoebe I've heard about her. I hate the Order, and I want her dead along with the rest of the world. But, um...I heard that she's working hard to help survivors of the Pilgrim's Sails. That's pretty good, I guess.

About Brant Sometimes I wonder about what would have happened if, instead of running away, I'd gone on the Pilgrimage... I'd probably just be dead, but maybe I'd be part of his Troupe instead of with the Fractsidus. That'd be...nice, I guess. But he'd probably just use me, too, so whatever.

Birthday Wishes  Oh. Are you sure? I don't really...I haven't had a birthday in a while, so I don't know what you're supposed to do. Do you have a cake? I'll help you blow out the candles, so your wish will be sure to come true! ...I mean, I'm still going to destroy the world, yeah. But it'd be...nice if you could get some wishes before that, you know? You do a lot for everybody else's wishes...

Idle: I  [Dancing quietly in a small circle, humming under her breath]

Idle: II  [Its gauntlet manifests on its hand while it examines it] Hm...should probably check my last repairs...

Idle: III  [Seeing a firefly] Oh, no, don't fly away...it isn't safe out here....

Self-Introduction  Do I get to get back to killing people now?

Greeting  Don't tell anyone I'm helping you. They'll make me forget again.

Join Team: I  When did we fight together last? I can't remember...just kidding! Aww, did I worry you?

Join Team: II  Huh? Oh, yeah, I can help...sorry, I feel kinda dazed...

Join Team: III  Let's end some idiots!

Ascension: I Y'know, since you're someone who claims they want to protect the world...it's probably a bad idea to help me get stronger. Since I'm gonna destroy the world an' all.

Ascension: II What is this? Are you just hoping to use my power, too, so that's why you're helping me? I know you don't really care.

Ascension: III Oh. It, um, feels kinda nice. Like the headaches are a little easier. I think I can probably fight harder without overloading my Forte like this. Thank you, I guess.

Ascension: IV Please stop. It's not bad, it feels good, but I just —— I'm used to how it hurts. If it gets any easier, I might stop being used to it, and then if the hurt comes back I won't be able to block it out anymore. I'll just have to feel it all. I don't want to feel it all.

Ascension: V I don't understand. Even though I've done bad things and even though I was mean to you, you still...you don't make any sense. I'm less useful like this, you know? The Architect said once that I'm at my best when I'm close to cracking. But now my power feels...stabilized. Not safe, but better. I'm a worse tool like this, feeling halfway in control of myself. It'll make it harder for you to use me. Don't say you're not going to use me, I...it would be stupid to believe you. I'm not stupid. I can't afford to be stupid anymore.

Basic Attack Get swallowed! Suffer! Don't forget. Ugly...  Do you really wanna fight a little girl? Behind you! Boo!

Heavy Attack  [ singsong ] I'm gonna gut you! Rip you apart! Tear out the stuffing! Who's helpless now?!

Aerial Attack  Waste of my time... End! Now! You can't win. Ally - oop!

Resonance Skill  Show your guts! Hope you don't like all of your fingers. Haha! You're gonna lose!

Resonance Liberation  Don't look, I get —— [ growls ] Do you wanna play a fun game with me? I don't wanna forget —— !! Enjoy your bedtime story.

Dodge  No! You can't catch me! Too easy.

Counterattack  Tag, you're it!  You don't like getting hit, right? You're losing, you're losing!

Hit  Ouch, I don't like that! Stop it! STOP IT! If anybody finds out...

Injured  My head...really hurts... My vision's all fuzzy... Stop —— please...

Fallen  Please don't leave...I'll get lost... Mama...? I gotta...make it stop... They'll be...mad at me.... I'll probably...forget this, anyway....

Echo Summon  Ew, it's creepy.

Echo Transform  Not cute...

Intro Skill  Fina's here, Fina's here! Playtime! This'll be lots of fun!

Enemies Near  Huh? Let me be useful! Let me prove it!

Glider  I used to be scared of heights. Now they're fun!  Wheeee

Sensor  What are we looking for? It's like a puzzle! Just tell me what to look for!

Dash  Wait up! I'm coming, I'm coming! Don't be mad!

She forgets, sometimes. It's probably a kind of arrogance —— not the kind people assume she's carrying around, thinking she's some kind of all - powerful savior, that she's the only one who can fight and save. She knows that people can save themselves and each other. It just never occurs to her that they might save her back. She wonders where she learned that lesson. She wonders what home was like, back when she had it.

Ciaccona is brave, and good, and light, and strong. It's arrogant, Rover thinks, that they'd forgotten that Ciaccona might use that bravery and goodness in defense of Rover Fara. It's arrogant, that so soon after Lahai - Roi rescued its savior, they'd forget that the world is full of people who love them. It's arrogant, that their first thought is that they have to make her stop. It's almost human, that their second thought is ——

it's so funny to me that their fucking Deity Dying does not seem to have a huge impact on people of faith in ragunna. it's not surprising to me, for a lot of reasons ( i'm thinking especially about how religion in china is both uncommon and, amongst practicioners, relatively few practice a version that prioritizes active belief in a deity and tend to lean more on practices independently, which is hugely different from the western christian religion that the order of the deep is clearly based on ) but deeply funny. i'm christian, and while a huge part of that belief system is that god died, only Part of him, and even that individual part came back. i cannot imagine how insane it would be for the catholic church to find out that all aspects of god himself are Dead, For Good, And Also The Pope Was Involved. that would be crazy. that's clearly not how the devs approached it, for a lot of reasons presumably including the one's above, but to make it make sense to me and my understanding of the catholic church and the christianity on which the order is based, i'm gonna be rewriting some of it.

first off, finding out their their deity is dead and they've been worshipping their version of The Devil for a while is extremely difficult on basically all sincerely religious folks in ragunna, particularly ones like phoebe. phoebe feels both deeply ashamed of having "betrayed" the sentinel by worshipping leviathan, even unknowingly, and also completely unmoored. rinascita's religion has always revolved around worshipping a present, living god —— one who was unseen and touched, but understood as being present and existing. she doesn't know what her faith, which was based so much on steadfast belief in and love of god, looks like when god no longer exists. i don't imagine anyone in rinascita does. and so much of phoebe's identity is built around loving and being loved by the imperator.

there's also the increasing awareness of just how corrupt the church as an institution was. phoebe, and most of the population, are now fully aware of the cruelties of the church, and even the most orthodox amongst them struggle to justify practices like "sending children to their death for asking questions." between the loss of their god and the corruption of the church, a significant portion of the population has basically abandoned religion and the church entirely. not a majority, but certainly enough that it can't be ignored.

another still smaller group basically insists it was all a hoax; imperator still lives, leviathan was never a real threat, etc.

some have turned to outright worshipping cartethiya, which the young woman dislikes.

the majority, including phoebe, are tentatively attempting to remain in the order of the deep's faith while actively rewriting both what that faith means and what an institution like the order exists for. from an institutional perspective, this looks like a rededication to charity —— for all, not just a chosen few —— and recovery, given that ragunna continues to be rebuilt in the wake of leviathan. the order, under the order of phoebe and cartethiya, also pays reparations to all surviving victims of of the pilgrim's sail, and the families of those who were killed, amongst other acts of service. no one is under the impression that that's sufficient for all the harm that the order has done, least of all phoebe. she feels an intense amount of guilt and shame.

from a more spiritual perspective...it's very difficult to figure out what happens to a faith built around a living and present god when that god is dead. turning that worship towards cartethiya is an option, and she's got a great deal of power in the order as it exists now. but she doesn't want to be worshipped, and has emphasized that she's a woman, not a god. for phoebe and many others, the place they've hesitantly arrived at is that they will honor their deity and that deity's wishes, even if they can no longer hear their prayers. they'll care for one another, they'll speak truthfully, and they won't seek to erase differences in search of some shallow "unity" but embrace every person in all their variety and diversity. they will welcome the stranger. this includes undoing many of their less loving strictures —— cartethiya canonically does away with the rule that acolytes and echoes can't fraternize, and i imagine a lot of other rules go away as well. i've not posted about these thoughts extensively, but i do headcanon that the church enforced many rules on acolytes —— no being romantically close with others, for example. these sorts of expectations are all abolished.

it's all very hard, despite the amount of tangible good that's being done. phoebe still falls asleep crying most nights; she feels like she's mourning the deaths of her parents all over again, but this time an even greater sense of shame and fear attached. she's overworking herself hard with rebuilding ragunna, septimont, the order —— all in an effort to feel like she's "making up for" her failures, and she's extremely exhausted most days. she's still very fragile. some are pushing to make her the primus formally, and she resists this primarily because she doesn't believe she's good enough for the role.

i've felt this way basically since her alt design was revealed in leaks; a woman's body covered with many reaching hands is just a really strong image to me. and the more we've seen of her the more present that allegory is. GA touching her face constantly, calling her "my darling" and the like. isolated in her little bedroom, told to come home early when she gets close to others and starts developing preferences of her own. "do come home more often" and "don't bring strangers home." the way she's a young adult with childish motifs ( her teddy bear, blowing bubbles ) as if she's repressing, or being made to. her belief that she's damaged, that maybe she doesn't deserve to be alive anymore. her wild, desperate rage while she destroys her "bedroom."

she was a little girl once, and an adult —— or many adults —— made her stop being that. turned her from a little girl into a thing to use. gave her pretty white dresses so she'd look like a doll. dressed her up. put restraints on the bed. gave her a few toys. emptied her out so they could fill her back up with something she hated, something that made her sick. who knew that the more she grew up the less use she was to her family, the less they liked her. and she still had to come home at the end of the day, back to the adults and the emptying.