A Conversation
A cool breeze embraced us as it broke through the warm air. Sunrays splitting through the branches of an oak tree we were sitting beside. I felt soft grass tickle against the back of my legs. I shut my eyes and listened to the birds singing and inhaled. I could smell the wildflowers as bees buzzed around, getting their fill before the end of summer. I opened my eyes to him staring off into the distance, watching canoes float along the lake. His hat backwards on his head like it usually was.
“Do you ever miss this?” I asked breaking the silence.
He took a deep breath and sighed. “All the time…” he paused, “All the time.” I nodded, plucking a blade of grass from below, twisting it around my fingers.
“You used to be so happy, you were so curious of everything. You wanted to be so many things.” He looked down at his hands.
“I did. I wish I would’ve done them all. I feel like I let you down.”
“No, I let you down.”
“You did.” I looked away from him. my throat aching as I held back my tears. “You were supposed to be here. I’ve been so angry.”
“Yes, I’ve seen. I don’t blame you for being angry. I remember how it feels.” He didn’t look at me
“Did he meet you here? What was it like?” I asked, still fidgeting with the grass in my hands.
“It was a bit like this I guess. I had so many questions for him, but I couldn’t find my breath for a while. He asked about you though.”
I smiled, “Do you still go fishing? I remember when we would go out on the lake in the boat-”
“And you got a hook stuck in your thumb.”
“Or when the hood of the truck flew up while we were driving and you told me not to tell mom”
“And you told her you saw a duck instead, I remember too.” He said through a slight smile. “I’m happy you still have memories.”
“You used to let me hold the steering wheel when you drove.” I chewed on my lip as I laid back into the grass, watching little fluffy white clouds drift against the evening sky. A loon called from across the lake, crickets chirping in the silence that followed. He flipped his hat forward as he laid back too and folded his arms behind his head. I felt a tear escape my eye and roll down my temple.
“The sun is setting; we don’t have a lot of time left. Is there anything you wanted to get off your chest?”
I hesitated; there’s so much I wanted to say. But nothing that I felt needed to be said. Nothing that would change things. “I wonder how different my life would have been, or who I’d be, if you stuck around. If I would have ended up this way regardless. I don’t want to be this way anymore.” I said.
The grass rustled as he stood up, he started walking toward the lake. I pushed myself up and followed behind him. “I’m sorry for putting all the blame on you. I’m afraid to admit my role in the way my life has turned out.” I spoke from a few paces behind him as we approached a dock. “It’s been twenty years, I’ve had every chance to turn it around, I’ve been too afraid. I’ve felt undeserving of more.”
He sat at the end of the dock; I sat beside him, my toes grazing the cool surface of the water below us. He placed his hand on top of mine, but I could not feel it. a tear glistened as it fell from his cheek.
“I never wanted to go. It was an accident. I just wanted to escape for a little while. I felt like I wasn’t a good enough father.” He spoke. My eyes began to sting as I smiled.
“You were a great dad; you did your best.” My voice shook as I held back my sobs.
“I want you to be happy again. I want you to live a life you’re proud of. I want you to find your spark; the curiosity you had as a little girl.”
“It’s too late, I’m 27. I’m too old to start over. I’m older than you are now.”
He finally looked into my eyes. I paused. His eyes were almost a mirrored image of my own.
“It’s not too late for you. You’re just barely past the beginning. You still have time to change for the next chapter. You can do it.” He put his hand on my shoulder as he spoke. I cried as I buried my face into his chest, he wrapped his arms around me. I could feel a slight warmth radiating from him now.
“I don’t want to let you down again.” the words muffled as I spoke them.
“You never let me down. Never. I’m so sorry for everything.”
“I forgive you. I miss you so much.” I felt his hand softly against the back of my head as he hugged me tightly. My hands tightened their grip on the back of his shirt.
The crickets still sang, filling the silence in the air as the sun fell behind the horizon. Lightning bugs floating above the grass as bright as fallen stars. My father loosened the embrace and I laid my head to rest on his shoulder. We watched the last of the suns light dance on the ripples in the water. Taking in the last few moments with each other.
“I miss you too, Bugg.”
