I know what I’m like. That’s the issue.
This line will probably live rent free in my head forever. I’m not kidding. It is such a perfect encapsulation of c!wilbur’s character that I stay up at night thinking about what goes on in cc!wilbur’s brain to come up with a line like this because it is flawless.
c!wilbur is extremely introspective, to a degree where it’s actually harmful to his mental health. He spends so much time in his own head tying himself into circles and paranoia about everything from his (rock bottom) self worth to what he thinks everyone else is doing and thinking (about him or against him) that he rarely takes the time to be present and in the moment and actually listen to the people around him and to what’s actually happening.
This tendency for internalisation and isolation - particularly when not in a good headspace - was only exacerbated when he died and spent thirteen years in limbo. Now he really didn’t have anyone to talk to but himself. I know we all joke about Schlatt, Mexican Dream, and Wilbur having endless poker nights but let’s be honest, to be in limbo is to be alone.
So on top of all the stress and self flagellation c!wilbur put himself under in l’manberg and pogtopia, where he wasn’t able to get out of his own head despite other people being there and trying to help him, he’s now spent thirteen years by himself with no external input at all, with nothing to do but scream and think about the past.
Because here’s the thing, here’s the genius in the line, c!wilbur does know himself, but he only knows the very worst version. He is his own worst critic. So much of how he thinks and his perspective is blown way out of proportion, because he doesn’t allow for other people’s perspectives to hold any real value for him.
c!wilbur’s flaws have always been tied to self worth, and in particular being the kind of person who ties their self worth to external achievements. He thinks if people see “the real him” they would hate him and be horrified. So that’s not allowed. Let them see the mask of The President. Let them see the symphony of L’Manberg. Let them never see him for what he really is. Importantly, this is also a self worth tied to a man who does believe he is smart! That is not in question! It is one of the very few things that aren’t! So he clings to it! His own thoughts, how he sees things, are given a very high value because it’s one of the very few things he allows himself to give value to.
So in the end what you have is a young man with rock bottom self worth, who doesn’t trust other people’s opinions, and has just spent the last thirteen years (and more!) obsessively going over everything he ever did and picking it apart, primed to find and exaggerate every flaw.
He does know what he’s like. He knows what his version of himself is like.
He both does and does not know himself. That is the issue. That has always been his issue. And precisely because of how he thinks he knows himself, he can’t know himself and can’t see himself clearly.
And it is this inaccurate perspective that motivates his actions, which causes all his problems.
Do you see?! Do you get it?!
But not for the reason he thinks.
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