Released Thoughts

Yes it is.

I have a lot to do, so much to do, what the hell, man. And then suddenly...my mind clouds and I can’t think straight. But I still have so much shit to do - But now it’s like I’m drunk. Where should I start, I ask myself. 

There’s laundry, there’s making my bed, there’s doing those dishes and rounding up the garbage and the bills and the car and the grocery list and the actual grocery shopping and this and that and all this caca and all that caca.

But wait. 

Slow down.

Just start with the laundry. Put the towels in. Yeah, I don’t even have to round the towels up. They’re already all set to wash. Shut down the anxiety a bit. The rest of the laundry can be collected after I put the towels in. 

Towels in.

But should I make my bed first? Where am I going to fold clothes? The dishes need to be done. Roommate will come home soon and they need to be done. Okay, maybe the dishes needed to be done first all along. 

Everything happens for a reason, right? 

I should feel fortunate. Nothing of note has really happened lately and life is going pretty well. My phone fell right out of my pocket the other day, flat on the screen and shattered. No insurance. No case...what was I thinking? But I laughed. This is what life is using to remind me that it’s all imperfect? That I have enough? I’ll take it. I am fortunate enough to be able to afford another phone (and a case that I promise to keep on from now on) But - as my friend always says - why cry over spilled milk? The irony is that he was the shocked one. He was the one that said “oh no!!” and wanted to make sure I was okay. 

That’s a good friend - but I knew the consequences of carrying a fragile phone case-less. And the insurance had a deductible that made it laughable. 

I can feel myself looking back on this exact moment already.

Hey, it wasn’t so bad. It didn’t take that long. Why was I so upset?

The suffering in that job - that I was SO ready to leave, well it’s all gone now...I’m moving on to bigger and better things.

I’ve put in my work and now I’m starting fresh. 

One. Step. Closer. (to my goals)

And now I’m living in that timeline and I’m living in this....this timeline and where am I really? 

I’ll hug myself, for overcoming and I’ll congratulate myself. I’ll hug myself to give myself the strength to walk through the rest of these days. 

Not much longer now.

2 weeks notice.

Goodbye old life. 

Hello new awakening...the days are getting closer.

I made it. This is what I felt....

This is what I worked so hard for.

My timelines finally merge into one.

Smile.

My mind and my soul are ready. 

I will not pass judgement on other’s rapid decisions as my only wish is that they would hold themselves to the same standard.

Here is where I am: I live in San Antonio, Texas. I have been here for a year and 1/2 working at a call center for an insurance company. I moved from Connecticut on a whim. I love where I live but I do not love the work I do. My boyfriend lives in Houston and I do not feel like we have enough time together.

Here is where I want to be: I want to live with my boyfriend in Houston and I want an excellent full time job with benefits that will compliment me while I’m going to school to become a nurse. 

If you have the capacity to help, don’t commiserate. 

I’ve really learned a lot about this over the past week. My friend is struggling with a breakup and my typical response would be to commiserate, to participate in unhealthy behavior like eating bad foods or drinking excessively. Here’s the thing, though - my life is going really great right now. I am finding myself and I am growing and I am excited to live. I have a very loving boyfriend who opens my eyes to excitement and adventure. If I were to try and reflect my friend’s struggle, this would not be a good response for him or for me. We have shit we need to do. One of the most important things about that - we need to be happy to operate in life.

See, we have similar personalities. When we are down and out - life becomes sloppy. Our living quarters become dirty. We don’t socialize or go out at all. The exploration and determination we require diminishes. 

Often times, we are ready to dive face-first into the pool. We’ve gathered the courage and imagine the feeling of the cold water hitting our fingertips and moving through our bodies. I can imagine it now, it feels like I’m parting the pool and the water is transforming me from my out-stretched arms to my pointed toes. I’m ready, the water isn’t the part that I’m avoiding, it’s the drop. I’ve never jumped from this high before....

BUT! This time I’m ready. I’ve set myself up for greatness...the pool can’t step away, the water is secure and will catch me from my fall. The feeling of going from dry to wet in a second excites me.

And then I’m reminded. My closest ones are there to remind me to be safe. They remind me that this is my first time...that this is a huge drop. Well, thank you. I appreciate your concern. What’s that? Oh. Maybe you’re right. 

Wrong. This time, I was ready. I wasn’t asking for safety...I wasn’t asking for anything more than, “you can do this!” But I can’t help but understand why they were warning me. Here’s the thing, this is life. The pool is a metaphor for moving on and up in life. Your family and your friends will have your best interests and sometimes it’s necessary to be warned. But I believe in there being too much caution. 

I know that friends and family operate with my best interests in their mind. But I truly appreciate the ones that encouraged me to change jobs when I was miserable, the ones that pushed me harder, the ones that told me I wasn’t crazy for wanting to move from Connecticut to Texas. I have no problem with initial warning, but sometimes we need to give up our own opinions and admit that our batshit crazy friends are right.