❛ no . ❜ uttered nearly in desperation . he needs diluc to know , to understand how he feels — but where to start ? what can she possibly say ? she has never been good at forming her words . it has always left a bitter taste in his mouth . he cannot express himself , has to force himself not to retreat into the familiar persona he’s created so that he may avoid such vulnerability . ( he never did know how to be vulnerable , after all . )
he swallows hard , feels as though pushing something terrifying down . ( this is so much easier in the letters he cherishes , collects in an ornate box in his quarters . ) eyes are locked onto him , gauging his response in ever cognizant gaze . ❛ you have done . . . everything right . ❜ he feels breathless , finds it hard to speak , yet he trudges onward . ❛ my apologies . i have always . . . struggled . . . to speak my mind in a manner so genuine . i haven’t the words to describe my elation . ❜ he speaks as he writes — eloquent , decorated .
❛ i have traveled abroad many a time for purposes of business , yet never to see someone for whom i cared . i am simply , ah . . . nervous . my enthusiasm to see you is seconded only by my delight . yet , with so much exuberance in the air , i can’t help but doubt myself . what if , under all of the mystique , i am not so likeable in person ? ❜ ayato does not like himself , after all . how could he expect the same of diluc ? ❛ you have done everything right . it is me that frightens me . that beneath the surface , i may not be what you deserve . ❜
From the very beginning of it all ( ... ) — and betwixt one of the great many intersections of the two lonesome roads — there had always been too much understanding of another too alike themselves for the other to have ever been nothing but the muddled memory of a distant face ( encounters propagated with the discomfort in the aches derived from generational musts and the awareness that a stranger from abroad knew of it all too well ).
Thoughts tumble into being, haggard and desperate to soothe the ailments of a nervous mind — not his ... for once. not his, this very first time. Maroons meet light mauves ( momentary in his indulgent glance, as if drinking the memory to mind and mapping a map of what could one day no longer be his to appreciate, for such was the nature of small joys and their frailness ). ❛ Please ... ❜ And if the voice wavers, if it loses its sturdy footing ( ... ) ❛ Do not think of our ... connection as ( ... ) ❜ Pregnant is the pause, rosy the blush that the heir attempts to hide by a haphazard brush of trembling fingers against wild strands of hair. ❛ Do not think of our connection ... our friendship – as something to be weighed in order to find its worth, your own self-imposed value has no effect on whether I deserve you or not – I would even argue that you are not someone I deserve for the opposite reasons you imply, but such back and forth’s will lead us nowhere. As long as it matters to us ... ? Then ... ❜ An attempt at a smile, but it comes off as awkward as the words that stumble out of an uncertain mouth, a reassurance oddly shaped, coming out questioning, coming out ... wrong.
But it does not matter, the rational sense insists, as he feels the same way he does. His mouth purses and so he grips the hand of the timid desire to run away. Knuckles whiten a paler shade.
It would be a disservice to excuse himself as he would with scrutinizing nobles and stuffy merchants. Ayato shares in his inexperience when it comes to sincere bonds outside of their kindred, of the little family they had left. He exhales a measured breath. Going from the safety of confined letters to face-to-face encounters with no established ends or breaks would trouble anyone, the tongue possessed no power to sculpt pretty words and charming entrées from a pre-made bank of approved notions, there would be no drafts written in every fond look or smile. He clears his throat before finishing the almost abandoned thought. ❛ If it matters to us, then that is all that there is to be said about it. ❜ Eyes close, obscurity as a brief rest. ❛ But if I may ... confess my honest regard about our relation in a bout of contrarianism, I ... your presence alone matters most deeply to me, there is no amount of mora I could be given — no matter how absurd and unfathomable — that could exceed the value and ... simple happiness your visit brings me. And, do pardon my silliness and forwardness, but if it were possible to warm a home with nothing but the joy and every unbridled emotion you have gifted me with your friendship, by your attentiveness ... then, ah ... ❜ Maroons open, eyes unmoving from hers in its rare vulnerability as if seeking to convey all of his sincerity as much as a fond gaze possibly could. ( ... ) His smile turns sheepish, the tip of his ears coloring a rosy red. ❛ Ah, yes – Forgive me, but I should cut myself off before I start to sound too intense for my liking – even for myself. ❜ Embarrassing, but at least his own blatant nerves for the world to see could make her feel better about her own self-punishing ‘ missteps ‘ ( he was no creature beholden to pride and its vainglory. there was no room for self-importance when time was nothing other than a luxury too easily taken away by a volatile, unpredictable fate ).
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