Harry Potter & Criminal Minds

Reid: the sweet relief of death.

Tony: yeah what’s up kid?

Peter: What does one do when their hair dryer is on fire…hypothetically speaking

Tony: kid did you set your hair dryer on fire again?!

Peter: …perhaps

Tony: oh my god!

Reid: WE ARE OFFICIALLY DATING!!!

Penelope: damn it! Well there goes eighty bucks…

Derek: huh…?

Emily: Penelope bet twenty bucks to each of this that you two weren’t dating

Derek: how did you-

Emily: are you forgetting that you work for the fbi? Everyone here has training in kinesics plus Hotch walked in on you putting your tongue down Reid’s throat but you were to caught up in making out with him to realise he had walked in!!

Derek: oh um oh… y-yeah m-my bad sorry hotch

Harry: *glaring at him*

Draco: oh yeah right, yeah I f-forgot about that-

Harry: how could you forget?!? It’s like one of the reasons I’m famous?!?!

Draco: what is this hairless thing sat next to me on the couch, he says his name is dobby, he won’t leave me tf alone!!!

Harry: play dad

Harry: DEAD*

Harry: I meant dead!!

Draco:

*Harry still sneezing*

Draco: SHUT UP YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE ME SICK

Harry: I’m so so so sorry for sneezing, Mr. Germophobe

Draco: I AM NOT a germophobe

Harry: You carry 5 bottles of hand sanitizer on you at all times

Draco: that means nothing…

Harry: how about the fact you refuse to go near children in the fear of getting sick

Draco: they are snot filled gromits that hold a billion diseases…

Harry: …ok, how about you wash your hands THREE times before eating anything, you bring your own utensils to restaurants, you-

Draco: OK OK ENOUGH, I GET IT IM A GERMOPHOBE!!!

Harry: Draco what are you doing?

Draco: Come sit on Santa’s lap and tell him what you want for Christmas…

*Harry blushing*

Harry: O-Ok

Derek: Hey pretty boy, top or bottom?

*reid spitting out his coffee*

Reid: WHAT?!?

Derek: Top or bottom bunk…

Reid: oh oh umm…bottom I suppose…?

*derek smiling and smirking*

Reid: What? Whats wrong? Did I spill coffee on myself again?

Derek: oh nothing pretty boy, by the state of your hair I’m saying you had a fun night, if you know what I mean *wink wink*

Reid: oh, what? Oh yeah that’s why my hair is a mess, totally why it’s a mess

Reid: *whispering* it’s not like I just fell down the stairs or something…

Derek: what’s that pretty boy

Garcia: Finally!!! So glad I’m not the only neurodivergent one. diagonsed neurodivergent one that is…

Emily: what do you mean by “only diagnosed one”

Gracia: Well, you clearly have adhd

Emily: how do I have adhd?!

Garcia: Your sudden uncontrollable bursts of anger

Emily: yeah that can mean anything…

Derek: you’re the biggest procrastinator I’ve ever met not to mention your 3 weeks behind on reports

Emily: yeah I’ll get that done tomorrow…

Derek: you said that yesterday

Reid: also not to mention you either hyperfocus or don’t focus at all

Garcia: plus 2 weeks ago I made you fill out an adhd questionaire

Emily: you did?!?

Garcia: yes and you were talking to JJ the whole time you were doing it, surprised you got any questions answered, honestly.

Emily: how didn’t I notice?!

- Fred and George, they definitely smoke in their dorm at night with Lee, also the schools biggest dealers.

-Hermione, she smokes it when she gets stressed over exams.

-Harry, sometimes he just needs a break from being “the chosen one”

-Draco, mainly does it to rebel against his parents.

- Ron, you don’t think he’s hungry all the time for no reason do you?

- Luna, she try’s to keep the nargles at bay.

-James Potter, Remus Lupin & Sirius black, they were high all the time & professor mcgonagall confiscated their 🍃 on more than one occasion, they always did wonder what she did with it.

(Tw: Headcanons and Opinions)

Sirius Black: Genderfluid, bisexual (male pref) & He/They/She

Remus Lupin: Bisexual (no pref) & He/Him

James Potter: Pansexual & He/Him

Peter Pettigrew: Panromantic, Asexual & He/it

Harry Potter: Bisexual (no pref) & He/Him

Draco Malfoy: Gay & He/Him

Ron Weasley: Straight & He/Him

Hermione Granger: Bicurious & She/Her

Luna Lovegood: Lesbian, Ace Spec, Demigirl & They/it/ she

Hermione: yeah, I also heard he’s gay as well

Ron: Harry did you know about this?

Harry: *unknowingly wearing a slytherin tie*

Ron: WHAT IS THAT YOURE WEARING?!?

Harry: huh? Oh umm this, well I- you see- uhhh…

Ron: YOURE SLEEPING WITH MALFOY?!?

Harry: uhhhh

JJ: Emily, what are you doing!? the more you move the more blood you’re losing!

Emily: can’t die with my hair looking like this, gotta be able to pull some bitches in the afterlife.