Letters to Mother

Thank you for visiting me in my dreams again. It was nice to see you. I know it's probably difficult to do, but I miss you.

I think what you were trying to say in the dream was you are always walking with me. Behind, beside, always there. I just have to know that even if we can't see or talk you are there. Your not in pain or anything I should worry about and I can go on with things I want to do. Thank you for telling me. Thank the other spirits in the dream for bringing me to you.

The only other thing you were telling me to do was try to connect with my family. I don't know that I want to still. I know every time you show up there is family there, but, I don't know. I don't want to be hurt by them again. I'll try before I move but I'm not promising anything.

Mother....

I'm not doing ok. Well... im doing better today than when I made this page. I've been even more at a loss than before you left us, but today, it's ok. I'm here, still. I'm trying not to give up, give in, lose the battle intentionally. It's just hard.

I'm starting to realize that things were harder for you too than you let on. Things you didn't want me to know, I've had to guess at. I wish you would have shared more. Although, who I was at the time, who I am, I don't know how I would have taken it.

Now I am alone, mostly. Father is trying to be there but I don't know how long he's going to feel generous and not kick me to the curb again. I have to protect myself from him. I have to remember. I can't get my hopes too high or he'll crush my heart again. Family.... is it supposed to be like this? Being apprehensive? My family is gone. Your gone, Travis is gone with his family, I don't know what to do.

I did come up with a dream though. I want a house in japan where I can grow a cherry tree and spread some of your ashes there. I feel like it would be kinda mystical. I know I'm probably still on my whole "life is a movie" thing, when it's clearly not. Clearly, unfortunately....