Insanity Difficulty

Written by @ReformingClock

Following up on: Part 1 written by @chalkituptofate Part 2 written by @spacevixen2024

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------Kaidan and Shepard picked a back corner where the shadows gave them a little bit more privacy. A Turian waiter appeared almost immediately to tell them about the menu.

Shepard marveled at the atmosphere: So calm, so dark, so…unlike the Normandy. “I’ve never been here before. Looks fancy.”

Kaidan smiled. “So do you, by the way.”

Shepard felt the heat rise to her ears. The last time they went to a ‘fancy’ restaurant together was almost 3 years ago. She’d been in a coma for most of that but… “How many times have you been here?” She blurted out. And instantly regretted it.

Kaidan looked down at his hands. He knew what she was really asking. “You know, I have been here once before.” She couldn’t see his face but could tell his voice sounded strained.

“You don’t have to…”

“The second anniversary of your death I came here and tried to imagine what a date would be like. So I could say goodbye.” A shadow passed across his features. “It had mixed results.”

“Really, you don’t have to talk about it.” She felt a pang of guilt lance through her core, right past her heart.

He put his hands on hers and raised his eyes. “I want to. I want to replace that weird mournful memory with one of us actually being together in the same place without any armor or weapons or enemies. I wanted to come here with the real you. Not the one I imagined.”

Immediately she felt the guilt replaced with a coil of desire. The familiarity of her love for him mixed with the sweetness of their reconciliation. When did it get so warm in here?

Kaidan got the fairytale dinner that he’d wanted for so long. They savored some Illium seafood and a dense dessert invented by Chef Urun, the famous Volus. The low tones of their conversation never stopped; the ease of their friendship falling back into place effortlessly.

Shepard closed her eyes, savoring the last bite. “So good,” Shepard fluttered her eyelashes. She found Kaidan gazing at her with burning intensity. “What? Is there something on my face?”

Kaidan reached toward her and brushed a thumb across her lips. He lingered on her cheek. Then he gave her a mischievous wink. “No,” he said.

Shepard reached up to cradle his hand against her face.

Kaidan continued, “I just really need to ask you for something.”

Shepard knew he could feel the blush radiating across her cheek. “Oh?”

“Please….” He took a deep breath, “Please. If you ever need to leave again, please, Shepard… Give me a chance to come with you.”

Shepard’s breath caught. The few moments they shared on Horizon & Mars playing back in her head involuntarily.

When she remembered to breathe again she said, “Are you sure about that, Kaidan?”

“I’ve never been more sure about anything in my entire life.”

Shepard closed her eyes and turned into his hand, landing a soft kiss against his palm. “I promise.”

****

Right as they stepped out onto the walkway, a shiny new skycar dropped from the top lanes through the traffic. Shepard & Kaidan heard honks and scrapes as cars tried to avoid the falling vehicle.

They both clocked the trajectory of the smoking car. It was headed for the restaurant they just left.

“Kaidan!” Shepard squeezed his hand.

“Go!”

They jumped away from the storefront as the luxury skycar careened into the glass. Smoke billowed out from the shattered picture window.

"I left my comm on the ship!” Shepard yelled at Kaidan, her eyes wide.

A goofy grin spread across his face. “Wowwww.” He drew it out. “No gun AND no comm. You must REALLY like me.”

Shepard smirked at him, “No shit, Sherlock.”

A small explosion went off inside.

“Everyone out!” Shepard dove back through the door, recalling the faces she’d seen as they left. The smoke was getting thicker, but her enhanced senses helped her find the coughing victims. She paired up stunned people with those who were more lucid and directed them to the door.

“Here! The exit is this way!” Kaidan bellowed from the doorway. Once the restaurant was clear, she turned her attention to the vehicle. Yes, there was fire, there was smoke, & the chasse of the skycar was twisted and bent; but there was a chance whoever was inside might still be alive. Gingerly she tried to touch the metal. “Ahh!” Her fingertips were burned immediately.

Kaidan yelled through the smoke to her, “Shepard? I think that’s everybody! You need to get out of there.”

“I have to check on the driver!”

She tried to see through the overly tinted windows but couldn’t make out anything. She didn’t hear anyone moving around. She folded up a tablecloth and tried to muscle open the emergency release for the car door. The latch wouldn’t budge. And then the tablecloth caught on fire. She threw it off to the side. “God, if only I had my armor!”

She bolted for Kaidan and pulled him out of the smoke with her. “The driver is stuck. I’m going to call Bailey.”

Shepard ran to a public comm access and dialed C-Sec. “Bailey, there’s a car sticking out of a building at this location. The driver could have survived, but there’s bound to be injuries.”

Sounds of alarmed people running and yelling came to him through the connection. “I’m sending a med unit and back-up. Can you get ‘em out of there?”

“Bailey, I don’t have my armor. This isn’t even my comm. We got the people out of the room, but the car is on fire and jammed closed. We need help to get the driver to safety. Not to mention the explosion and fires will spread through the building.”

“You don’t….you don’t have your armor?” He seemed to struggle with the concept.

“No. I’m on a date.” It still thrilled her to say so.

A beat of silence. Then: “With who?” suspicion in his tone.

“Oh my god Bailey! Send help! I’m with Major Alenko, and he doesn’t have his equipment either.”

Another long beat. “A date?” He seemed incredulous. “The guy who almost sided with Udina like, yesterday?”

Shepard pinched the bridge of her nose. “Yes!” She hissed, hoping Kaidan wasn’t hearing this.

Then she heard laughing. She looked around at the panicked crowd. It was the most incongruous sound to hear in this chaotic environment. Kaidan was valiantly trying to direct the crowds away to a safer distance. No one was laughing here. Then she realized: it wasn’t coming from the crowd.

“HahahaHAA! Is this whole call a prank? I already sent out the units, Shepard, but goddam… this is hilarious! There is no way you are on an actual date with that idiot HAHAHAHAWHOO…”

Shepard did not have time for this. “We are together!” She hissed into the comm.

Bailey’s laughter continued. “Sure. Sure! Look, whatever cover you need for whatever Spectre nonsense you’ve got going on…Just ask me next time. Hahaha…or, you know what? This has been delightful. Do this again! Pahaha…” The line clicked off.

She could practically feel the steam coming from her ears and not because of the fire she’d just run through.

Shepard looked down. Her outfit was a mess. Some victim’s blood had gotten on her, and the edge of her dress was singed. She picked a piece of broken glass out of her hair. “Garrus is going to have a field day,” she muttered to herself.

I wrote Part 3! Check out all the parts!

Following on from the wonderful @chalkituptofate who wrote a great part one which can be found here.

I give you the second part, written by @spacevixen2024

****

Although he was pretty skeptical about going on an actual date, Kaidan Alenko had tried to look his best even though he didn't have a lot to work with. Thanks to the coup, a lot of places on the Citadel were still closed to the public and fashion wasn't a priority when there was an ongoing war.

However, he managed to find a nice shirt and pants. The look he was going for was smart but casual, and as he waited anxiously at the airlock, he hoped he had achieved the vision.

Joker turned slowly around in his luxurious leather seat, staring at the nervous biotic from his position in the cockpit.

“What's got you so hyper?” he asked.

Kaidan didn't realise how antsy he was until the pilot pointed it out. He stopped shuffling his overly polished boots and ran a hand through his hair. His mouth opened and closed like many of the fish in Shepard's tank. It had been a weird addition to the new Normandy, but she seemed enamoured with it and she looked gorgeous in the glow of it.

“It's been a while since I've been on an actual date,” Kaidan murmured. His friends had pressured him into meeting with some sort of doctor on the Citadel for drinks, but he kept putting it off as he still hadn't felt ready. In hindsight, it was a good thing as he had run into his former lover and everything shifted hard to Port.

Beneath the cap that seemed surgically attached to his head, Joker's eyebrows rose. “Who's the unfortunate soul?”

Kaidan gave him a withering look.

“What?” Joker continued, perplexed as Hell.

“You really have to ask?” he murmured, folding his arms and leaning against the bulkhead. Him and Shepard weren't exactly subtle, she had all but dragged him back to Normandy after their date at Apollo’s.

Lunch was one thing, but an evening out with her was another thing entirely. It seemed a lot more formal, and made their relationship all the more real as it existed beyond the hull of Normandy. Kaidan was nervous but looking forward to spending more quality time with her.

Joker looked him up and down, his expression just as clueless before offering him a shrug.

Before Kaidan could even utter a response, he heard the subtle click of heels against the deck to spot Shepard marching towards him with Garrus in tow.

She was an absolute vision and whiskey coloured eyes roamed up and down the length of her body. Kaidan gave her an appreciative smile. Shepard gave a particularly shy one in response, reaching up and tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

It was cute as Hell.

Green eyes went from Kaidan to Shepard and back again. The realisation seemed to dawn on him but then reality struck him in the face and he gave a loud snort.

“Oh come on!” Joker exclaimed.

Shepard had been far too busy ogling Kaidan to pay attention to Joker's reaction, but when he snorted like that she shifted her gaze over to him. “Something wrong, Joker?”

Joker wasn't entirely certain as to whether or not he wanted to answer the question. Kaidan and Shepard were dressed all fancy but that could have meant they were going anywhere.

He looked beyond her to where Garrus was standing just beside her.

“You going along for moral support?”

The Turian blinked slowly, glancing to Shepard and back again. “I'm not going anywhere.”

“Yeah, we don't need a third wheel,” Shepard answered firmly, eyes still on Kaidan as he looked so damned good.

“On your date,” Joker said slowly, his eyes narrowing.

Shepard looked to her left at Garrus, to Kaidan and then back at Joker. “Why is it so hard for you guys to believe that we are together?”

Joker didn't even hesitate. “It was only yesterday you guys were pointing guns at one another!”

Folding her arms, Shepard tilted her head to one side as if to ask “Really” and then he backtracked a little.

“You know what I mean, Shepard.”

“Don't forget Horizon,” Garrus added.

“And Vega said you and Kaidan were really laying into each other on Mars,” Joker said, following on from Garrus. “Hell, if you hadn't been knocked unconscious…”. A glance at Kaidan. “Shepard probably would have done it.”

What happened on Mars was a painful memory, both literally and emotionally, but he and Shepard had agreed that everything that happened prior to the coup would be reset. Kaidan was looking forward to falling in love with her all over again and no longer taking each day for granted.

“Let's go, Shepard,” he said, holding out his hand to her with a soft smile. They could probably stay here all evening debating the situation and neither would believe them.

Shepard grasped his hand, enjoying the warmth it provided and took a few steps closer towards him.

Shooting one last look over her shoulder, Shepard shook her head then led Kaidan over to the airlock.

“Those two are fooling no one,” Garrus stated, still firmly believing that this was sort of an undercover assignment.

“Secret assignment?” Joker asked.

“That's the only explanation,” Garrus uttered, his mandibles flaring a little.

Joker made a small guttural noise that was meant to be agreement as he slowly turned back to face the console.

The door closed behind them and Shepard sighed deeply.

“Is it really that hard to believe that we are together?” she asked quietly.

Kaidan reached up and brushed her cheek softly with the back of his hand, still in disbelief that she allowed him to get so close to her after everything that had happened.

“I guess I'd have a hard time believing it too,” he whispered, then looked down at her outfit then back up to her face with a smile as he dropped his hand. “Let's forget about them, and have a nice evening.”

“What did you have in mind, Major?” she asked, her voice a little lower, a little more sultry.

His smile grew a little wider as he leaned in and pressed a gentle kiss upon her lips. “I promise you'll like it.”

She smiled against his lips then pulled back, eyes sparkling. “Better than Apollo's?”

“Much better than Apollo's,” he promised, then took a few steps back as the outer hatch opened to allow them access to the docking bay. Ever the gentleman, Kaidan gave a little bow and motioned for her to go ahead of him.

Feeling a little bolder, Shepard stepped out to find that it was a lot quieter this time of night and she let out a contented sigh as he placed a hand at the small of her back.

Prompt: Nobody believes they're dating By: @chalkituptofate

Shepard pivoted in front of the bathroom mirror, trying to reacquaint herself with how her reflection looked in civilian clothes. She couldn't tell if it felt almost wrong because she was unused to it, or because she was nervous. If it was he latter, she hoped Kaidan wouldn't notice. 

EDI's voice broke into her thoughts: "Garrus Vakarian is requesting entry, Commander." 

"Send him up," Shepard answered. She was almost finished getting ready, and she had a few minutes to spare. 

She heard the elevator doors open, but when Garrus saw her he abandoned his greeting and looked at her, incredulous. "Why are you dressed like that?"

Shepard's face fell. "Is it bad?" She asked, trying to catch the reflection of her back.

"No! No, you just look like you're going…somewhere not here." 

"I'm going out with Maj— with Kaidan."

"Oh, something for Anderson. Got it." 

Shepard held the back of her hand to her face to check if she was blushing. "Uh, no, it's actually just a date." 

"Right," Garrus said, elongating the word and inclining his head conspiratorially. "Top-secret Spectre assignment. Message received. I'll find out from Liara."

Shepard laughed. "No, it's true! We both took the night off."

Garrus chuckled. "So you want me to believe the only two human Spectres in the whole galaxy are 'Just going on a date.'"

"That's… what I said!" Shepard answered brightly. 

"Come on, Shepard. You can tell me. Is it part of the investigation into Udina?" 

"No, we're… getting drinks?" 

"Kind of like the last time we 'got drinks' with Anderson at Flux and then stole an Alliance ship?"

Shepard grinned. "I promise we're not stealing the SR-2, although maybe I'll bring that up as an idea for our anniversary."

"Shepard." Garrus was suddenly serious. "I was there on Horizon, remember? Saw the whole thing." 

Shepard sighed. "I said we patched it up, Garrus. We talked about it at Huerta."

Garrus leaned against the door frame. "I just… I know it must be really hard for you two to work together after everything that happened. I don't think everybody would be able to put their feelings aside for the sake of the mission. I really respect that." 

"We're not putting anything aside." Shepard edged past him out of the bathroom, opened the closet doors, and started pulling out shoes. "Did you need something? I'm going to be late." 

"It's just about the weapons loadout, it can wait until you get back." He gave her one last searching look. "I just want you to know that you can talk to me about anything." 

Matching shoes found, Shepard stood on one foot, then the other, and braced herself against the wall of the entryway as she put them on. "You're obviously beyond convincing, but as an act of friendship, I think I'll keep the gory details to myself. You'll thank me later." She hit the elevator button. 

oh, shepard. does "the illusive man" sound like a real person to you? grow up. it's me roger.

1. request--the thing you're begging for. let me cum, don't spank me, get me pregnant, etc. be descriptive--usually, the more explicit, the better. make it sound appealing to your partner. refer to them by title (if applicable) in this step or the third step. not both.

2. promise--why they should do it. this can include descriptions of how whatever you're asking for will feel for them, how you'll react, or a promise for good behavior or quid pro quos. (in noncon scenes, this is also where you'd put a promise not to tell anyone/get the aggressor in trouble). this should be your longest section, and you CAN give more than one reason.

3. request--rephrase what you asked for in step 1. if step 1 was short, make this longer. if step 1 was long, make it shorter. this is the step where eye contact is most important.

in general, use a deferential, beseeching tone--you can choose how composed to keep it, but keep an undercurrent of "i'll die if you say no." (alternatively, you can lean into the humiliation of verbalizing your desires and speak soft and stuttery. but be warned, you'll run the risk of your dom making you repeat yourself louder.)

wait

wait fuck

My boy, Johnny Yong Bosch.

Raphael Sbardge.

Shohreh Aghashloo.

Keith David.

And most recently Jennifer English.

I didn't see this personally but he's apparently read out the Onion's announcement, which is a fake article by a fake corporation, out loud several times as if it was real. Anyway it should be noted how screwed he is, bc...

...while he can livestream under his own name, they own his warehouses of dubious supplements. He has nothing to sell but t-shirts protesting that his show is going down. Since Infowars was, first and foremost, a lifestyle brand, this leaves him, scientifically speaking, "totally fucked". He doesn't have ads, that's the only way he makes money

Reblogs back open The Onion has taken over InfoWars again