Firza's Online Diary

Challenge Day #21: Write About LOVE

I left this challenge for 20 days because suddenly my work get pretty hectic. Plus… I actually stuck on this theme. But because this week I will only work for a day (through the whole week), I will try to catch up and finish the remaining 10 days. What is love? When I was away from this challenge, I happened to talk about love with my students. We talked about Love Management (Yess! I talked…

Challenge Day #22: Write About Today

Today is Monday. Today is October 26th, 2020. Is today special? I don’t know. I just feel like today is the same as yesterday or Monday before that. It should be a little bit special because long weekend (supposedly start tomorrow). I actually have only today for work and starting tomorrow (Tuesday) until next week to have a long weekend. But… Something a bit bothering me. It’s work thing. It’s…

Challenge Day #23: Write About a Lesson You’ve Learned

Tema ini sebenarnya harusnya tema hari ke 24. Tapi aku tukar dengan tema 23 karena untuk sekalian menjelaskan kenapa challenge ini berhenti di Oktober dan baru bisa dilanjutkan Januari. Jadi… Yang terjadi adalah aku dapet kerjaan di tempat baru. Cuma sementara sih, karena memang di sana secang tidak ada lowongan untuk fulltime atau long-term contract. Aku ditawarin untuk jadi konselor sekolah di…

My Current Song Mood

https://open.spotify.com/track/24Z0gtkW5N9d2qZipAoFev?si=557bcf3c72d64a63 나의 하루도 후회 없이 오늘을 사랑하기를 받은 마음 다 나눠줄 수 있기를 어제보다 오늘 더 나은 사람이 되기를 바라는 나   “I hope I will love today without regrets. I hope I can give back what I received. I hope I can be a better person than I was yesterday”

Setelah sekian lama aku nggak update blog-ku (karena writing block), aku akhirnya memutuskan untuk… Nggak melanjutkan writing challenge-nya. Aku akan mulai mengumpulkan material untuk menulis secara bebas. Semoga… Blog ini bisa kembali aktif 🤭🤭🤭 *fingers crossed*

나의 하루도 후회 없이

오늘을 사랑하기를

받은 마음 다 나눠줄 수 있기를

어제보다 오늘 더

나은 사람이 되기를 바라는 나

Tema ini sebenarnya harusnya tema hari ke 24. Tapi aku tukar dengan tema 23 karena untuk sekalian menjelaskan kenapa challenge ini berhenti di Oktober dan baru bisa dilanjutkan Januari.

Jadi... Yang terjadi adalah aku dapet kerjaan di tempat baru. Cuma sementara sih, karena memang di sana secang tidak ada lowongan untuk fulltime atau long-term contract. Aku ditawarin untuk jadi konselor sekolah di sebuah sekolah swasta berbasis internasional. Kontraknya selama 4 bulan saja, dari September sampe Desember, karena menggantikan konselor yang sedang cuti melahirkan. Jadilah... Aku memulai challenge ini tadinya di tengah-tengah masa kerjaku di sana.

Long story short, aku mengalami up side down yang luar biasa di tempat ini. Aku selalu mendeskripsikan kondisiku sebagai "aku dipaksa untuk beradaptasi dalam waktu singkat, dituntut untuk memahami sistem dan sistematika kinerja mereka namun aku tidak diberikan pengarahan yang cukup untuk mencapai apa yang mereka harapkan". Jadi... Yang ada selama 4 bulan aku kerja di sana, aku merasa 4 bulan itu adalah masa-masa paling distress dalam hidup aku.

Awal aku berada dalam kondisi distress di tempat kerja aku itu, yang aku lakukan untuk katarsis adalah menangis. Saat itu, aku pikir semua akan selesai setelah satu titik puncak distress (masa-masa nulis raport siswa). Ternyata... Tekanan dan kondisi distressnya makin tinggi dan nggak selesai-selesai. Aku yang selama ini merasa weekends dan weekdays membawa energi positif dan negatif yang sama, saat itu merasa weekdays adalah neraka sementara weekends adalah surga. Selesai nulis report siswa, yang aku lakukan cuma duduk dan nangis di depan laptop. Tapi aku harus lanjut zoom meeting karena itu kegiatan yang wajib dihadiri oleh rekrutan baru (seperti aku).

Aku menyadari sepenuhnya kalau berada di posisi ini sangat nggak baik untuk kesehatan mental aku. Tapi... Aku nggak punya pilihan untuk keluar atau berhenti. Jadi yang aku lakukan adalah bertahan. Selama ini, aku adalah tipe orang yang selalu fight over flight. Buatku, emotion-focused nggak akan pernah menyelesaikan masalah dan "tidak berguna". Aku selalu mengutamakan problem-focused dan memberikan self-reward setelah berhasil bertahan dan mengahadapi semuanya. It always work that way.

Kali inipun aku mencoba hal yang sama. Memaksa diri aku untuk mencapai limit dan bertahan dalam kondisi distress ini sampai kontrak aku selesai. Aku berpikir pasti bisa dilakukan karena selama ini aku selalu bisa memaksa diriku bertahan. Tapi aku melupakan satu hal. Aku nggak pernah memaksakan diri untuk bertahan secara emosional pada kondisi distress. Mungkin karena alasan ini, aku merasa kondisiku saat itu adalah kondisi paling berat selama hidupku.

Dan ternyata, setelah sampai pada limitnya, damage yang terasa itu luar biasa. Tiga hari sebelum hari terakhir semester satu, aku jatuh sakit. Demam tinggi, sakit kepala, kehilangan napsu makan dan beberapa bagian tubuh mendadak kaku. Mirip sama simptom COVID-19? Ya, tapi aku tahu itu bukan. Menurunnya kesehatanku adalah hasil dari aku yang memaksakan diri untuk bertahan dalam kondisi ini.

Ketika aku memaksakan diri untuk bertahan sampai limit, waktu yang biasanya aku butuhkan untuk fully recovered adalah 1-3 hari. Untuk kondisi kali ini, aku butuh 14 hari untuk benar-benar fully recovered. Setelah benar-benar pamitan dan disconnecting dengan semua yang berhubungan dengan sekolah ini, energi dan mood positifku kembali seperti semula. Like a magic!

Today is Monday. Today is October 26th, 2020. Is today special? I don't know. I just feel like today is the same as yesterday or Monday before that.

It should be a little bit special because long weekend (supposedly start tomorrow). I actually have only today for work and starting tomorrow (Tuesday) until next week to have a long weekend. But... Something a bit bothering me. It's work thing. It's about the classes I teach. They cut one sessions on my subject when I actually already have a veeeeery short period of sessions. I have to remake the lesson plan for the rest of the term to match it with the whole lesson subjective. And sadly, I have to process this matters on my precious long weekend. Well... The beauty of becoming a teacher means willingness to work overtime, right?

As for today, I got an opportunity to play outside under the rain. I was supposed to pick up my sister from her work. When I was about to pick her up, it was heavily raining outside. So I tried to ride my motorcycle, using a raincoat, feeling water tap on my hands and get me shiver (because it was so cold). I was so happy to have an opportunity to play under the rain again in this season. Then this should make today as a special day for me.

Ah! I also remember something. Today might be one of that special day because... I'm going through another challenge. It's not writing challenge but if physical activity challenge. I got it somewhere from Pinterest (which I suspect peeking on my private life, because I never search on physical activity on Pinterest but suddenly this kinds of challenge appear on my recommendation) and it it said that I have to do plank for some designated amount time. Today is my 10th day and I should do the plank for the entire minute. I thought it's going to be hard because starting with a 30-second plank it's already hard. So I try my best to fulfill today's challenge and guess what?! I DID IT!! I'm so proud of myself for successfully did the plank for the whole minute. This should be a good sign for me (to continue doing a physical activity) because I finally can manage to follow a timetable to do something. And I hope... This is a start to live a healthy life for me. Having this exercise is good for my health. And I was thinking on doing some detox diet for a week. I just don't know when to start.

I left this challenge for 20 days because suddenly my work get pretty hectic. Plus... I actually wtuck on this theme. But because this week I will only work for a day (through the whole week), I will try to catch up and finish the remaining 10 days.

What is love?

When I was away from this challenge, I happened to talk about love with my students. We talked about Love Management (Yess! I talked about how to manage your love with my Y12 students. Isn't it exciting???). We're talking about managing love to our God, setting priority in life. But... Before talked about the main idea, I usually introduce the subject and asking a lot of questions to them (yeah... Many of my students told me I asked too much questions on class).

I told them that Love can be define by three subjects. Physics, Chemistry and biology, and Math (I don't want to talk about this one because... I just hate it).

According to physics, love is two atoms with different electric nucleus (either positive or negative). The negative ion (electron) will attracted to positive ion (proton), and vice versa. Just like magnet, if it meet the same type, they will repluse one another. I told them, this is the basic law of attraction.

According to chemistry and biology, love is about hormones. There are a lot of hormones that can be related to love. Serotonin, Dopamine, Oxytocin, Estrogen, and Testosterone. Even adrenaline is part of the process of being fall in love. I usually told my students story about one of NCIS' episode to explain the role of oxytocin as 'love homone' (yes, I use oxytocin as example because on long lasting love, oxytocin plays a great deal on human behavior).

But after that brief explanation, I usually said to them. "Personally, I prefer language to explain about love. Some people said that love is noun (object) because people give them to others. Some also said that love is verb (predicate), because people do something about it." We do something because we love someone. We need object to experience/feel love.

If I had to talk about love, I'm a person that believe "action is louder than words". We need to tell person we love that we love them? Yes. Human needs affirmation. Words are the fundamental. But that words means nothing if action don't match. Action is the evidence of the words, that the words means something.

Do I have a celebrity crush?

╮(. ❛ ᴗ ❛.)╭

Hahahaha... I don't know. I haven't looked up for a celebrity for a long time. I use to be obsessed with a football player and F1 racer. But now that I grow up, I don't think I have a crush on them anymore.

For the past decade, I looked up on to a singer most of the time. I remember ever fall in love so much with Blue member (specially Lee Ryan) and Alejandro Manzano (of Boyce Avenue). But for now, I might say I fall in love more to Lee Bonggu and Jung Jukjae. If you can say they are celebrities, that they are my crush for the moment. Mainly because their music. Plus... They both have a qualities of person that I like.

I like chubby man, just like Lee Bonggu. Why chubby? Because they are huggable. Hahaha... No, that's not my reason. I like them because they are least favorable to the society. People usually go for a six pack sexy kinda celebrity to look up to, but I prefer someone that look like a boy next door. Just like Lee Bonggu. And guess what?! He really treat me like a friend-little sister kind of thing. I had some short conversation with him on Instagram's DM, and although he has a very limited English, he usually reply with a warm respond. And when he did a Instagram's live, he always greet me cheerfully. He is just soooo wonderful.

And why Jung Jukjae? He has a deep low tone that I love to hear everyday. First time I heard him on Ha Sungwon's Midnight Idol on Naver Now, I know I can listen to his voice all day long. But... His singing voice also beautiful too. Also he had a very charismatic performance when he played his guitar alone or while singing. When I watched Begin Again Korea, I keep telling my friend that Jukjae looks amazing on that show. He even can overshadowed Henry's amazing performance JUST by playing his electric guitar.

My what???

I've wrote about this on my social media once. It was when I met him (accidentally) on public transportation to my campus. Turns out... We studied at the same institution (even though I don't know what department he went to). I can't help myself to peep on him but I have to do it secretly. I don't know if he realized it (I guess he did. I stared at him instead of peep), but one thing I know he didn't know who I am. Maybe he thought I was some junior that love to stare at strangers.

My first love is my senior IN primary school (that time, I was 5th grader and he is 7th or 8th grader). I often see him on musical choir room because he is one of my music teacher's favorite student. A few year ago, I barely know that he is one of the students that went on promotion (might as well known as debut) under supervision of my music teacher as a member of quartet popera. He follow a few singing competition and became an honor of our school (although his group isn't that popular).

The first thing I can think about why I like him is because he is kind-hearted. Me and my friend often prank-called him and I know that it bother him so much. But he just said to our teacher that someone had bothering him and he wanted us to stop. He didn't mention who it was although he already know that it was us. So my teacher speak to us without having a guess who was the culprit. Me and my friend called him one last time to say that we're sorry for our misbehave and he forgive us. After that, there's never been a contact between me and him.

Likes

My favorite color is Pink

My favorite food is Japanese cuisine (except ramen, soba and noodle kinds of things)

I love cat and sloth

I love low tone voice man

I love natural blonde-hair color man (Like Jesse McCartney, Bastian Schweinsteiger, Freddie Stroma)

I easily impressed by a left handed guy

Dislikes

I hate raisins and coconut-process food

I have fear of Spider and cockroach

I hate cute-concept girl or girl band

I don't like watching MV although I love the music so much

I hate last-minute change/cancelation

I don't like presenting in front of people with material I don't understand

I don't quite into KPop idol, because I don't feel like enjoying an upbeat music (and dancing people while singing. I prefer ballad or RnB music)

Ability

I can sleep in any position, even standing

Listening music in low frequency can boost my focus

I have trouble at doing several thing at the same times

But, once I finish doing something, my mastery level increase significant that makes me efficient

I can identify someone's voice within second

Personality

I am an ISFJ

I have an acute maag

(that's why) I have low tolerance of spicy food

(also, the reason) I can't drink coffee

My ultimate dream job is to become a lecturer

I like cool temperature, but sometimes I develop a cold allergy

I rarely become panic

But when I do, I will drive my vehicle fast, forgetting things and lose focus

Also after the panic or anxiety attack cool down, I will feel hungry, sleepy or both

I always want to become an ambivert (left and right-handed)

I have trauma of Tuna and Stingray

Actually, to make me like someone isn't a hard thing to do. Because I have this believe: "Everyone are good until proven otherwise." My friend told me that it's a bad way to protect myself from that evil, but there's nothing I can do. I really think people will do no harm to me (but I still alerted when I went outside and meet strangers).

So, to make me really like you, make you become my bestfriend or even fall in love with you, is simple (in theory, not on practice). You have to be a good person. I'm not that type of person that think "bad guys always look better than good boy". Aah... No. I hate bad guy. I hate people who use bad language and treating others with no respect. I always feel threatened around people who use bad language as if that scorness is addressed to me (mostly not, but I always feel that way).

I took a pretty long time to contemplate about what should ai write on this theme. That's why I missed one day ( I supposed to post this yesterday). I had a hard time to figure out what to write because... I'm not missing anyone. That's what I thought.

But then, this morning, when I open my facebook account, I found a notification about what's been I shared the whole time. Then I found this conversation.

This is a conversation between my three besfriend from different level of education. The only man in this conversation is my highschool bestfriend, while the two women here is my college bestfriend. The funny thing is, the definitely didn'tknow each other, haven't met one another. But they get along when I ask something that grab their attention.

KPOP!

Yes... I was asking about Super Junior to them and then they started to talk about their favorite girl group, which is Girls Generation. That time I didn't know and didn't have any interest to KPop. I aske because Yesung sing a song from one of my favorite K-Drama, Cinderella's Stepsister.

These dorks who I love the most often talking about KPop but I didn't bother at all. In the end, when I finally started to enjoy Kpop, they guide me into them (yeah... That's what friends are for).

I often chat with one of them. The one that being called Glo by the other. I became her fangirling buddy because at our ages, it's look like only noth of us that still talking about KPop so passionately. Well... To be honest, we often spoke about different thing (she with her EXO and me with my ballad artist). We often changing infos so I can introduce her to my genrea while... She just introduce me, but sometimes I often forget about what she sai about those boyband (because boyband isn't my thing).

As for the other (Dewi), I already lose contact with her since we graduate from collage. I didn't know what went wrong (or not), but everything seems tearing apart between me and her. She almost never reply my message (anywhere I try to contact her) and she never try to make a casual conversation with me. I don't want to think that our friendship end up whem our college is done, but it feels like that to me.

Last but not least, the only male bestfriend I have (until now). On highschool, me and him had another bestfriend that still keep contact until now. But me and her (our highschool friend) still keep contact each other through whatsapp. While this guy... Went busy and last time I met him is... Around... Two or three years ago. On our breakfast meeting on ramadhan. Since then, we only exchange one or two messages and never meet offline.

I wish... This pandemic will disappear soon. So I van meet them again. Exchanging a lot of stories, fangirling together or just to have meals together. As an introvert, being miss another human being is a rare condition, right? So... I really hope, my wish would come true. I hope this pandemis will end soon so I can meet these people I missed the most right now.

Uh... run away. As I understand myself, run away isn't my thing (first, I CAN'T leave my responsibility. Second, I hate moving around. Sleep is my best medication). But... Guess what? I love to run away from my work for now. I love the idea of run away. Too much things "I don't like" happened around me. But again, run away isn't do-able. So it's just hypothetically. If I could run away, I might want to go to Jogja.

Why Jogja? Compared to city where my father (Padang), the sight looks much better at Padang.

The concept of run away is to refreshing mind for a while. If I don't have to choose between Padang and Jogja, I love both place. Like... Seriously love in Padang too. Why? Because it's so hard to get network connection there. For some times, internet connection is the biggest stressor for big city people. Having a run away to places that surrounded by rice fields, hill, mountain, waterfall, lake and some sort of natural beautiful scene is a best stress reliever.

But there is one big main reason I didn't choose to be there. It's about their FOOD (sorry... It's a basic needs. I need to consider this as a main point). Padang is well known for their spicy food. I am a human with sensitive stomach. Having a bit of capsaicin could make me suffer for the next couple days. It is a difficulty for me to come there and find a non-spicy food. So... To make this hypothetical run away feels more pleasant to imagine, let's pick place that wouldn't give me a hard time finding non-spicy food.

Jogja is the city where my mom born. She was born and raised in that city. Is it that special? I'm not sure about that. I have some special memories there. Treasuring it now, since it's pretty long time ago since we did the 'mudik' ritual, might feel great. Go to places we used to come, visiting families or maybe go to new places we never go before.

IF I can make this hypothetical run away comes true, the first place I want to visit is unpopular beach. Just like Jakarta, and in so many cities in the world, a well-known tourist spots means dirty and full of trash. Not to mention too many people come there. I love a quiet place where I can focus enjoying the scenery.