rena

There really isn’t anything in your life to run away from. 

Something in Euijoo’s eyes that darkens at the mention of running away.

“Did you run away from somewhere?” you wonder

He doesn’t answer right away. He brings his mug to the sink, turning on the faucet and letting the water run. 

His whole demeanor changes.

You haven’t known Euijoo for long—living with him for all but six months and although you got along so well, he hadn’t talked much about life in Korea. Specifically, before he came here. He avoided the topic whenever it came up and you never pushed.

“Make sure you’re not running from heartbreak,” he speaks up, surprising you. “Or you’ll be running the rest of your life.”

You tense at his words.

What happened to him?

The biting air falls down on you and your morning coffee. You hold onto the warm mug, hoping the warmth will anchor you. Though it’s inevitable, the mug will cool down and take over your fingers next.

The doorbell rings, catching the two of you off guard.

“Oh, I know who it is,” Euijoo says, finally closing the tap.

It’s as if you weren’t talking about something serious. He shakes excess water off his hands and heads towards the door.

You swivel in the direction of the front door, curious on who’s at the door. You didn’t have guests very often and if you did, you were well-acquainted with them.

“It’s my friend,” Euijoo tells you as he opens the door.

As if that gave you a clue on who it is.

“Oh.”

Your heart drops to the pit of your stomach.

Whatever you were expecting, it was not this on a Saturday morning.

Messy hair, pajama pants and a loose shirt clung to his figure in a perfectly organised chaos. Glasses that slipped down his nose bridge, hooking on the slope with all its might as he talks to Euijoo. To think that it was today you were meeting him? The universe works in such funny ways.

You’re about to explode when his eyes flicker onto you.

“Good morning,” he greets you, his deep voice ringing in your ears. He gives you a warm smile that might as well take your soul away.

You clear your throat, trying to straighten yourself up, “Good morning.”

“Don’t think I’ve introduced you to Nicholas. Have I, Y/N?” Euijoo questions you, tilting his head.

You shake your head softly. 

“Yeah, didn’t think you knew him,” Euijoo says. “But this is him.”

“Hi, nice to meet you,” you tell Nicholas.

But you knew Nicholas. 

Of course you knew Nicholas.

“We’ve bumped into each other around before, right?” Nicholas asks you.

Bumping into him in the apartment complex felt like a blessing from the universe. It’s funny because you’d think you’d see him more often when he lives right next door to you and Euijoo. But you almost never see the guy. So collecting crumbs and treasuring them was the best way to go about Nicholas—just a silly little crush on a neighbour that was never here.

“We have,” you reply. “It’s nice to put a name to the face now.”

“Yeah?” he says. Nicholas lights up, “Did you invite her to the party tonight?”

“I was about to before your lame ass came here.”

“Shut up…anyway, I came here to give you your mail. They keep mixing ours up for some reason,” Nicholas explains, passing Euijoo a boxed parcel.

“Oh my God!” Euijoo exclaims, face lighting up at the package in Nicholas’ hands. “New Ponyo plushie!”

He snatches it from him, trying to open it up. Nicholas chuckles at his friend’s reaction and looks over at you, “He’s obsessed.”

“Tell me about it,” you respond, smiling softly.

He returns the smile. As Euijoo speaks about how excited he is about the Ponyo plushie, you stare at Nicholas as if it was just the two of you in the room. And, for some reason he takes you in. His eyes roam down your figure, through the cracks of the blanket wrapped around you, revealing your skimpy pajamas.

Your face heats up immediately.

“Okay, I finished going crazy. You, leave,” Euijoo tells Nicholas, pushing him by his arm.

Nicholas pouts but Euijoo has no mercy left for anyone except his Ponyo plushie.

“See you tonight,” Nicholas replies.

He doesn’t say it to his friend though, he says it to you. He says it like a promise.

And before you know it, Euijoo is closing the door in his face.

You’re all warm now. As if you’d been basking in sunlight for two hours.

“Anyways,” Euijoo continues, holding Ponyo by the neck. “There’s a party tonight. Do you want to come with me?”

“The one you were ‘going to invite me to’?” 

“Really, I was,” he says, putting his hands on your shoulders. “But that asshole came.”

“Will have to look at my schedule,” you sigh, glancing over at your nails all busy-like.

He squeezes your shoulders, “I know you’re free.”

“Fine, fine, I’ll come. Who’s party?”

“A friend of mine and Nicholas’,” Euijoo responds. “Just be ready by eight and we’ll go together.”

Sounded easy enough.

It’s been a while since you went to a party. 

You’d met Euijoo at a party as well. He voiced that he was having trouble looking for a roommate and you happened to be looking for a new place to stay.

It would be good to get out there and socialise again, look for new opportunities if you will. Maybe even find your reason to stay in Shanghai.

—

“Aren’t you cold?” 

Euijoo’s question bumps on the walls of the coffin-like space. You were practically at his chest. Breath hitched in your throat and listening to the elevator’s mechanic whirring. Nervousness had enveloped you in its entirety. 

You look up at Euijoo, “I forgot I haven’t been to a party in a while.”

“I asked if you were cold, dummy.”

“Oh…kind of?” you reply, looking down at your excuse of a dress.

You were freezing your tits off this morning when you were in your skimpy pajamas. This outfit must’ve used the same amount of fabric and yet, the butterflies in your stomach took you away from the coldness. Instead of focusing on the breeze passing through you easily, you were focused on the fluttering wings inside you.

“Hopeless,” Euijoo comments.

The elevator door opens. You walk down the hallway, the floor reverberating against the soles of your feet. The music could’ve been any quieter.

“Damn,” you comment, the hallway rug slipping down the floor little by little. “Your friend must love to party.”

“Maki’s like that. Can’t go without throwing the best party in the world. He has to outdo his own parties too,” Euijoo declares. 

You can’t tell whether he says it out of love or annoyance. You can’t even question it because you’ve already reached the door of the partyholder. The door is flung open by a random group of friends walking out, obviously drunk out of their mind and talking in ha-ha’s.

Euijoo and you exchange glances. 

You grip the hem of your dress, peeking in. The floor catches your jaw.

This Maki guy really does know how to throw a party. The apartment is drowning in balloons, strings and colourfully poisonous lights bleeding from every angle. If you thought the music was loud outside, your eardrums were threatening to burst in here.

Is this guy Gatsby?

“You’ll be alright,” Euijoo says.

Although it doesn’t sound like it, you know it’s encouragement from your friend. You exhale and walk in, letting him follow behind.

Euijoo catches your glance at the uproar, “That’s Maki for you!”

He has to yell over the obnoxious rap music.

“Yes, I can see!”

“Let me introduce you to him.”

Euijoo grabs your wrist and drags you towards the kitchen. It’s not far from the entrance, wedged on the right of the space. But it takes forever to get there. Maki’s house is saturated with bodies on bodies. You’d said sorry more times here than you have in your life by the time you make it to the kitchen.

Upon entering the kitchen, a group of guys are huddled together, laughing loudly at something. Your stomach clenches, a sliver of worry parading inside you. 

“Maki!” Euijoo calls, holding your hand tight.

The guys part.

“Yo! Euijoo~!”

A guy with blonde hair steps up, going straight for Euijoo with arms wide open. Your roommate receives the enthusiasm, clapping Maki’s back and laughing at his friend.

“It’s been forever, dude! I’m so fucking cranked up right now, it’s not funny!”

Euijoo gives his one-of-a-kind fake, awkward laugh, “I can see that.”

Maki’s attention comes to you, slinging an arm around Euijoo’s shoulders. His eyes are all over your face, scanning for any familiarity. When it comes to zero, he asks Euijoo, “Who’s this? Your girlfriend?”

“No,” you reply instantaneously, laughing. “I’m his roommate, Y/N! Nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you, man!” he shouts, giving you his hand.

You take it. Firm grip, hard shake—one deadly handshake.

Then, Maki turns to the group of guys. They’re clearly interested in the two of you who have appeared. Well, maybe just you, since Euijoo is already talking to some of them. 

The only person you know has a friend here. Your sense of comfort is slowly dropping.

“This is Jo, Harua, Taki and Yuma,” Maki says, gesturing to the guys. “They’re my friends from Japan. Visiting for the week.”

“Hello!” you say, giving them a small wave.

They respond immediately with their own greetings.

“Do you want a drink? Euijoo? Y/N?” Maki asks, barely able to speak.

Euijoo falls out of conversation with Yuma, glancing over at you, “Y/N?”

“Yeah, I could use one now,” you reply.

“Alright, I’ll—”

“I’ll bring them,” Harua interrupts. “I don’t trust you to be getting drinks.”

“This is my party!” Maki whines. “I can do it.”

Yuma pats Maki on the shoulder, nodding as if he was listening to a small child complain about a broken toy, “You go, Harua. I got it.”

Harua brings the two of you out of the kitchen area to where all the snacks and drinks are in the dining area. He pours the two of you drinks in solo red cups. With much precision, might I add, for someone who seems a little tipsy.

“Thank you,” you tell Harua.

“Let’s go find somewhere to sit!” Euijoo says, pointing at the bodies on the dancefloor in disgust.

As much as you thought you wanted to dance tonight, you didn’t think you could stomach it right now. You followed the boys into a random bedroom and closed the door behind you. It didn’t help the music situation at all.

This must be Maki’s room. You don’t know why, but there was just a feeling from talking to him once. The boyish atmosphere makes itself known from the grey bedsheets, puppy stuffed animal and band posters.

“Maki knows how to throw a party,” you comment, joining Harua on the bed.

“He does,” Harua sighs, leaning against the headboard. Like he’s been looking for peace the entire night.

“Oh,” Euijoo chimes in. “Yuma texted saying, Kei and Fuma are here. Do you wanna go meet them?”

“They made it to Shanghai already?” Harua asks, eyes lighting up. “I thought for sure they were gonna miss the party.”

Euijoo is already standing up, looking at you, “Do you wanna come, Y/N?”

The weight of your body is falling onto Maki’s bed. You can't bring yourself to go out and socialise right now.

“I’ll come out later,” you answer. “Give me a second.”

Euijoo nods, “Let’s go, Rua.”

Euijoo and Harua exit the room, leaving you alone.

A deep sigh leaves you at last as you eye the red solo cup. Maybe this will loosen you up.

You take a big swing, immediately squeezing your face tight. What a taste. The different layers of the drink makes you question the alcohols used in this. You take a few more sips, hoping it’d mellow out your anxiety more.

Instead, you wondered the whereabouts of Nicholas. The way he said, “see you later” earlier today; like a promise made in the wind, a secrecy only the two of you knew.

You really do hope you’ll be able to see him later in the party. Talk to him more. There’s a certain charm about him you’ve noticed. That look in his eye, too. You want to know more.

The door bursts open, revealing a wasted Maki slumped on a reliable figure. He walks into the room and notices you on the bed.

“I’m sorry!” Jo exclaims, attempting to sweep the door closed with his foot. 

“Oh my God,” you say, jumping to your feet. You help close the door, examining the drunken Maki. His words are slurred, lips parted. “He’s so gone.”

“Yeah…”

Maki opens his eyes at you, barely. 

“You might wanna step away. He’ll—”

Too late.

Maki swipes the drink in your hand, in attempts to take it from you. He fails and the drink ends up spilling onto your dress.

“Oh, shit,” Maki chuckles.

You’re in shock, looking down at your dress.

“Maki!” Jo exclaims. You wonder if that was him trying to scold Maki. Didn’t sound like it, “I am so sorry, Y/N!”

This dress is too short, there are way too much people at this party, the music is too loud, the drink is getting to you and now, this. You couldn’t feel more out of place.

You take a deep breath.

“…let’s put him to bed.”

“It’s okay, I can do it,” Jo insists, shaking his head.

“No, I can help,” you reply.

“It’s alright, really. I got it,” Jo says.

You look him dead in his eyes, deadpanning, “I’m gonna help you, okay?”

He seems to have gotten the message. He slowly nods, “Okay.”

Jo and you manage to put Maki under his covers. Somehow. Now he’s all tucked in and droopy, talking and laughing to himself about something only he understands.

“Are you alright?” Jo asks you. “Would you like me to get you a towel?”

You get a good look at the guy.

He stands tall without meaning to. Yet there’s a softness distinguishable in his pale skin. His eyes search your face with slow blinks, eyelashes fluttering. 

When he notices you staring at him, he quickly looks away.

Is he blushing?

“That’s alright. Thank you, though,” you respond, clutching the door handle. “I’ll head to the bathroom.”

If you knew where it was.

Jo looks up at you briefly. Looks away when he meets your gaze.

“Down the hallway.”

“Thank you.”

You go on your own mission, looking for the bathroom. 

It’s kinda cute, actually—how nervous he gets.

You navigate the bathroom in no time, thanks to Jo’s directions. Tugging the door handle to make sure it wasn’t locked, you open the bathroom door.

“Oh, shit! I’m so sorry, I—”

The guy in the bathroom turns to you.

“It’s you.”

The voice registers in your head. For the second time that day, your heart drops to the pit of your stomach. You want to run away as far as you can but your legs turn into jelly.

Nicholas looks at you from the sink, a shit-eating grin on his face. Like he’s manifested for you to appear in the bathroom at this exact moment.

“Hi, Nicholas.”

“Do you need to use the toilet?” he questions. “‘Cos that’s next door.”

You shake your head and walk to the sink, “Do you mind?”

“Not at all,” Nicholas nods along. His eyes tumble down your dress before landing on your face,“I don’t know if I should ask what happened. You look pretty frustrated.”

“Maki.”

Nicholas dares to laugh, “He can be a handful.”

“Right.”

You twist open the faucet and look for a dry towel somewhere. Luckily, there’s one beneath the sink. You place it under the running water.

“I haven’t seen you around,” you comment.

“Been around but I got bored.”

“So you hold up the bathroom?” you ask, raising an eyebrow at him.

“To be fair, the toilet is next door,” he replies sharply. “I’m not holding up anyone being in here.”

“What if I needed a touch up?” you say, squeezing the towel and draining the excess water.

Nicholas examines your face. You pretend you don’t notice, staring at your reflection in the mirror.

“You don’t need that,” he says. His boldness stutters you for a second.

“What makes you think that?”

“Look at you,” Nicholas says, looking at your face through the mirror.

You do look, seeing yourself. Really seeing yourself. You look great tonight, you can’t deny. 

But who did you look amazing for? Not you. It’s for him.

So, hearing something like this from a guy such as Nicholas is…validating. You did put in a lot of effort tonight to look good. You feared it all going wrong, not being able to see him and show him how amazing you truly are.

“Here, can I?”

He puts his hand out for the towel. You squeeze it, looking into his foxy eyes, wondering what giving it to him would do.

Are you willing to find out?

You might as well.

You’re already here.

So you give him the towel.

“May I help you?” he asks again, bringing it to your stomach where most of the damage was done. You hesitate, his intention slightly blurry yet all the same.

Nicholas wants you.

He wants you.

To be chosen like this meant everything.

To be wanted by someone who seemed so out of your league felt good.

So you let him touch you with the towel, let him bring it down your body in a slow, agonising tempo. You hate how gentle and assertive he is with you, dragging the towel down you and stopping at your lower abdomen.

Nicholas looks at you, lips parted.

The noise of the party outside dulls, its existence reduces to what it truly is—noise. You can barely think, the intoxication of the alcohol consuming you.

“I wanna kiss you.”

His voice is a whisper dancing between the reverberations of the music. 

A warm rush blooms in your chest. You’ve been waiting all night. All night for even a word out of this man and here he is, saying he wants to kiss you.

“Why don’t you?” you ask, stepping closer to him. Teasingly.

He’s taken aback for a moment. He clearly didn’t expect that type of response from you, as if it was so easy for him to slip into your personal bubble. Nicholas cups one side of your face, warm fingers pressing into your cheek. They’re breeze-like as they tug you closer to him. 

“Why don’t I?” he teasingly responds.

“Do it,” you taunt further. “You won’t.”

He whispers, lips so close to you, “You should bet on it.”

The last thing you see is the flutter of his eyelids as he closes them. He leans into you and takes a hold of your lips with his. 

It’s relaxed. Lips moulding into yours carefully, he scrapes the surface of what you’ve truly been waiting for. It’s like he has the whole day to get through this. 

But you’re impatient. You’ve been wanting this for as long as you can remember. The need rushes through you, pumping through your veins as your fingers tangle through his hair. You dare to push him into you. 

What’s worse is that you can’t even blame it on the drink.

Every kiss with him, every breath synced and finally, when he hoists you up onto the sink, you feel it all above, under and through the alcohol. It burns you with an avidity barely comprehensible. 

His fingers trail down your body, feeling up on your body. He touches you like he would never be able to do this again. Standing between your parted legs, his lips trail wet kisses down the column of your neck.

“Nicholas, I want you,” you moan.

His knee is pressing close to your core. And you push into it, letting him feel the wetness.

“In the bathroom?” he asks against your lips. “You’re nasty.”

“I don’t care. I’ve been wanting this.”

He pulls out from your lips, “What was that?”

You tense up.

Shit.

“I mean like—”

“You little creep. You’ve been stalking me,” he says. He’s probably gonna think about every single interaction you’ve had, all those head nods in the hallway and bumping into the laundry as you being a complete stalker. 

“No, no, no!” you excuse yourself, waving your hands around vigorously as if to swat away the accusations being thrown at you.

He squints his eyes at you. Examining you. Until a smile cracks on his face.

“You-you’re making fun of me!” you exclaim, pushing him by the chest.

“You’re cute when you’re worked up,” he defends himself, voice growing a tone lower. He closes in on you, hands holding onto your waist. Barely, but you feel it all the same.

“Yeah?” you ask him.

He starts leaning in, “Mmm, you are, I–” you push him off, “what was that for?”

You hop off the sink and make your way to the bathroom door.

Nicholas calls out for you, “Where are you going?”

“My pussy became dry when you called me a creep,” you joke, opening the door.

Nicholas stands there, dumbfounded. You’re at no one’s mercy as you leave, feeling energised with each step. 

“You can’t be leaving right now.” he scoffs, walking towards the bathroom door.

“Watch.”

And you slam the door in his face.

You can’t believe that you just made out with your crush. In a bathroom at Maki’s party. It’s unreal. That’s months of staring at him down the hallway, watching him do his laundry and sharing an elevator built up into an explosion. 

Fighting your way back through the party, a laugh escapes you. To your luck, the body of partygoers are too busy dancing to notice you.

It definitely would’ve gone into sex tonight but you knew that the two of you were too drunk right now to have sex. You didn’t want to make any dumb decisions tonight. Even if it’s with Nicholas.

You find yourself back in Maki’s room.

“Hey, I was going to look for you,” Jo says when you enter Maki’s room again.

The lights are turned off, all but a lamp on Maki’s bedside. Maki’s knocked out, hands splayed out randomly.

“Hey…that’s nice of you,” you smile at Jo. 

He is sitting at the desk chair, looking up from his phone. You catch yourself in a mirror, wiping the messy lip gloss off your mouth.

“Are you not a party person?” you ask, sitting on the edge of Maki’s bed. You try to put Nicholas out of your mind but your leg bounces, thinking about his lips on you moments ago.

Jo shakes his head, “Not really. My friends dragged me here.”

He has a gentle way of speaking, feather-like. Such a kind face, too. This is someone you’d trust with yourself, intoxicated or not.

He looks away again when you stare for too long.

“Sorry,” you apologise. “That drink I got is really screwing with me.”

“Hm? Nothing to apologise for. Would you like to go home?” he asks. “I can book an Uber.”

You sigh, falling back onto the bed, “I’ll wait for Euijoo. I think I’ll sleep meanwhile…”

There are those glow-in-the-dark stars on Maki’s ceiling. Somehow those make you less mad at him for spilling the drink on you.

“Oh, okay,” he replies, standing up. “Are you comfortable there?”

“Don’t think I'm moving from here for a while,” you laugh.

Jo lets out a breathy chuckle. It weaves through the music and lands in your ear barely. A chuckle that sounds like it’s in a different dimension. One of your favourite songs start playing on the dance floor, the bass hitting the right spots in your head.

Something soft and fluffy falls on top of you. 

A blanket.

You start falling asleep too.

What a guy Nicholas is. 

I hope I fuck him soon.

“Thank you,” you tell Jo.

—

The sunlight shines through your blinds, dust particles circling the room. Your mattress imprisons you to it, blankets warm and folded around your limbs succinctly. That said, your mind is at full blast. Having woken up to Euijoo’s Instagram reels playing at full volume and your hangover-induced headache makes Death scared of you. 

You rise out of bed, faster than your head can comprehend.

How did you get home last night? The last thing on your mind was passing out on Maki’s bed.

Nevermind that, you had someone to shout at.

Waking you up at an incredulous time? He’s never going to hear the end of it.

Tugging on your robe, you burst open your bedroom door.

“Euijoo, will you stop—oh…hi!”

Sticking your head out of your bedroom door, you’re stunned. 

You had no idea you had guests in the apartment. Would’ve been difficult to since your only thought since waking this morning is that you were going to kill Euijoo.

“Good morning,” you announce to the audience of three.

“Good morning?” Euijoo greets you. “It’s 4pm.”

“4pm?!”

You check your phone, confirming the time.

How long did you knock out for? What even happened last night? The events of last night crop up smokey in your mind. 

Then, you see it. You see what happened last night—the person sitting next to your roommate on the couch. Nicholas is smirking at you, obviously finding you amusing. He greets you rather warmly, “Hi, Y/N. Nice to see you again.” 

It’s with a tone only you could decipher, slightly hinting at last night’s unarranged rendezvous. 

“Yeah…” you say, sliding your eyes further down the couch.

Believe it or not, you didn’t just embarrass yourself in front of your crush but also another person. A stranger at that!

A woman sits beside Nicholas. She’s close, close enough to suggest that there’s more between the two of them. 

“Hi,” she says with less of a smile.

She’s pretty, has a chic style to her and natural makeup. Outshines you in your ratty attire and bedhead. You nod your head at her, smiling courtly.

“Oh, right, you haven’t met. This is Nicholas’ girlfriend, Rina,” Euijoo explains, pointing at the girl.

“Gir—nice to meet you, Rina!”

You want to scream.

“You too,” she replies. “Y/N?”

“That’s me!”

Should I kill myself? There’s no way this is real.

You turn to Euijoo.

“I-I’m gonna go grocery shopping, Euijoo.”

“Now?” he asks, surprised. You wish he wouldn’t ask questions when you’re stressed out like this. Clearly, he doesn’t know that you are but you wish he did. Oh my God, he has a girlfriend? This is unbelievable—“You’re hungover.”

“We’re running low on stuff. Text me what you want.”

He furrows his eyebrows, “Whatever you say.”

You take a step back into your room. Slam your bedroom door close and stand there. Just stand there.

Your legs are stuck straight like two sturdy stilts. 

Attempting to take a step back causes you to land on your bottom.

Onto the cold wooden floor.

You don’t seem to mind it when all that goes through your head is—

Girlfriend?!

He has a girlfriend?!

You rack your memories of last night. You made out with Nicholas, right? It was Nicholas, it had to be! 

But he has a girlfriend…

The alcohol from last night makes a jump in your throat.

You run to your attached bathroom. Lifting up the toilet seat, you buckle down onto the tiled floor, throwing up in the toilet.

That poor girl. 

You swear, if you had known, you wouldn’t have made out with Nicholas. Hell, you would’ve forgotten about him completely.

It’s not my fault, a part of yourself speaks up. You don’t know if the lump in your throat is caused by a hangover or the overbearing guilt. You throw up in the toilet, wincing at the taste in your mouth. The guilt wants you all to itself like some dirty, little secret. God, you’ve become a dirty, little secret. This is not where you wanted your crush on him to end up.

You might as well coupe up in your room, spend the day hating yourself. 

Suddenly, Nicholas’ smirk flashes through your mind. 

Your pulse hammers in your temples, a surge passing you. He totally played you like a fool! You are not a fool. Though he never said it, he overtly called you one by making out with you in the bathroom. Acting as if you’d never find out, acting as if you would never meet his girlfriend.

Actually, you’re not going to spend the day hating on yourself. You were much stronger than that.  Besides, you need fresh air and the way out of here is through. The acid on your tongue lingers. You flush down the gunk as well as the guilt (well, it’s not completely gone) and clean yourself up. 

Once you’re ready for the outside world, you leave your room.

To your luck, Nicholas, Rina and Euijoo are still there, talking.

Nicholas is the first to notice you,“You’re really going?”

You act like he doesn’t exist, walking towards the front door.

“I’ll be back in an hour, Juju,” you say sweetly to your roommate. 

“Okay.”

You close the door behind you, letting a sigh leave you. 

All those months of checking him out and it turns out he has a girlfriend. Maybe you are a fool.

You shake your head in disappointment, making your way towards the elevator. You wished you’d known earlier. Now everything you’ve felt about Nicholas feels like a lie. You’re halfway to the elevator when you hear a door open behind you. 

“I just gotta get something. I’ll be right back guys.”

It can’t be. 

You turn to see Nicholas closing the door to your apartment, eyes right on you.

You continue your way towards the elevator.

Surely he’d get the hint—

“Y/N, wait!”

Thuds fall heavy on the floor behind you and he grabs your wrist, turning you around.

The gasp in your throat comes up halfway when you see his face. It catches you off-guard. God damn him for looking so good.

Temptation trickles inside you. Too bad you bite it in between your teeth and spit it out of your system. For good.

“Let go of me,” you state, throwing his hand away.

He exhales, “I’m sorry…I—let me explain—”

“Explain what? That you have a whole girlfriend?” you interrupt.

Nicholas winces, pursing his lips, “I’m sorry, I should’ve told you. I really should have.”

“Glad you know that,” you sarcastically comment. “But the damage has already been done.”

A few beats of silence goes by between the two of you. You can’t even look at his face. 

Anywhere but this hallway is better. You have to leave.

“Please,” he utters, brokenly. “I messed up, but it doesn’t change how I feel about you. I still wanna get to know you.”

You don’t like the fact that your heart skips a beat.

Something about the way he says it is so…validating.

You make the mistake of looking at him. He stands there, eyebrows knitted, peering into you.

But you stand your ground. 

You have to. 

“Nicholas,” you say. “You have a girlfriend.”

“I know, but—”

“I can’t be the reason you break up with that nice girl in there,” you interrupt him sharply.

Before he can say anything else, you leave.

The last thing you want to be is the other woman.

—

“It doesn’t change the way I feel about you…”

“I still wanna get to know you.”

“Please…” *insert puppy dog eyes*

Nights later, you’re still thinking about Nicholas’ words. They found a way to infiltrate the most sensitive parts of you and loop endlessly.

“Do you know anyone that does a lobotomy?” you ask Euijoo.

It’s a joke. Obviously.

“Lobotomy?” he blurts. “You need a lot more than lobotomy.”

He has no idea about your Nicholas dilemma. Well, it’s not really a dilemma. It’s not like you like him anymore after what happened. It’s just that the situation is so unbelievable that you’re still thinking about it. 

It doesn’t help that he has a nice face and bedroom eyes. 

Imagine what he’d look like on top. 

“I hate you,” you spew. It was a projection of your dirty thoughts, of course.

Euijoo is not taken aback, “Love you too, honey.”

He blows you a kiss and heads to his room for the night. You sit in the dark living room, replaying the scene in the hallway. 

It wasn’t just the way Nicholas had talked to you. It was the desperation dripping in his tone, his eyebrows knitting together as he begged for you. No one’s ever looked at you that way before. It made you feel seen.

A text slides up on your phone.

Euijoo: Did you take out the trash

You: Oops.

Euijoo: I knew something stank…

You: Will do now

Euijoo: Thank you, gn

You: Good night

You force yourself to get up with a heaving sigh.

On your way to the chute, a voice makes itself present through the walls. You swivel towards it. It takes you a second to realise which apartment you stopped in front of.

“You always do this, Nicholas!”

“You never understand me! You just make things up, Rina. Can’t you see—”

“I’ve had enough of you!”

The door bursts open.

You’re frozen on the spot, eyes looking into Nicholas’ apartment. The couple files outside, Rina angrily putting her coat on. She locks eyes with you, tears running down her face, nevertheless, a polite acknowledgement of your presence.

You don’t know why that made you feel more guilty.

“Don’t go—”

He catches your gaze, transfixed.

Rina walks down the hallway.

And…he doesn’t follow her. He doesn’t beg her to stay. He lets her go.

Nicholas and you stare down the hallway, watching her leave. Until the elevator doors close, no one makes a sound.

“Aren’t you going to get her?” you finally ask him. Sharply, at that.

“She’s not going to listen to me.”

You shoot him a look, “She’s your girlfriend.”

“Like that means shit right now. I’m sick of this…arguing for hours over stupid little things. She stopped being my girlfriend long ago.”

You know he didn’t mean the last sentence but something about it makes your heart clench in your chest. A little, light patter.

You still had a trash bag in your hand. You walk towards the chute.

“I’m sorry for the noise,” he calls out.

“Didn’t bother me.”

—

“Yeah, we’re leaving tonight,” Harua nods along. “Flight at two am back to Tokyo.”

“What?!” you exclaim, slamming your cup onto the saucer.

Euijoo jumps beside you as if you’d just said the most obscene word known to mankind. 

“Watch it,” he warns. “Nearly gave me a heart attack.”

“Sorry,” you say and turn to Jo. “You’re really leaving?”

Jo blinks at you, confused. Then, he looks away from you, “We are…”

“Damn.”

“But I heard you might come to study in Tokyo,” he adds right after. His eyes sparkle a little which didn’t go unnoticed by you.

“I haven’t actually made my decision yet,” you answer honestly. “But this is sad. Wish we got to hang out more.”

“Us, too. To be fair, we were only here for a week. There wasn’t much for us to do in the first place,” Harua explains.

The three of you agreed collectively and silently.

The café you were sitting at is on the outskirts of the university, an ambient enough atmosphere. You weren’t even supposed to see Jo and Harua today. You thought that after the party, you would never see them again. The party itself felt like a fever dream, something that happened in an alternate reality.

Anyways, Euijoo had been around and he’d offered you a ride home from class. It just so happened he was hanging out with the two people you clicked with from the party. Hence, you crashed their final hang out.

“We should probably get going though,” Euijoo says, standing up. “I’ve got an assignment due soon.”

“Aw,” Harua and you reply in sync.

“You’re more than welcome to move to Japan, Y/N,” Eujoo responds matter-of-factly. “Go with them tonight, even.”

“Shut it, partypooper.”

“Says the one who passed out thirty minutes into the party,” Euijoo teases. “Without Jo, we would’ve never brought you home.”

Your ears perk up at this, “Huh?”

Euijoo and Jo exchange a glance, confused.

“You don’t remember?” Jo asks you.

You shake your head slowly, “You guys brought me home? Wait…did I do something embarrassing?”

“Um…” Euijoo begins, darting his eyes around.

Oh no.

“No, you didn’t,” Jo assures you, shaking his head. “You were just really tired and nearly fell over a couple of times. But we got you to bed.”

“Oh…thank you, Jo.”

“No worries.”

“We gotta go, Y/N. My assignment isn’t gonna do itself,” Euijoo urges, tapping your shoulder.

“Okay, okay,” you say, also standing up.

Harua and Jo follow suit and the four of you walk to the parking lot.

It’s time for the goodbye the four of you had been anticipating for the whole hang out.

“Text me when you get back,” Euijoo instructs them. “Let me know you reached safely.”

“We will, thank you,” Harua responds. Jo nods along.

Euijoo hugs them both.

Then, the air gets kind of heavy.

The four of you stand awkwardly.

You don’t know if it’s time for a goodbye or if you should hug them. A part of you will miss them, you guess. They were good company while they lasted and you didn’t realise you’d get along so well with them. 

The look on Harua tells you he’s hesitating on whether or not he should close the gap or not. You offer your open arms to Harua, “Have a safe flight.”

He falls into them, hugging you tightly and it all comes out in mumbles in your hair, “I hope we get to meet again someday. Please do consider Japan! We will take good care of you. Yuma and Taki, too!”

“I will put a lot of thought into it!” you laugh, pulling away.

Jo stands there awkwardly, watching Harua and you. His sleeves are pulled down to his wrists as he fidgets with them, mind elsewhere.

“Not gonna hug me, Jo?” you ask teasingly.

He smiles at you sheepishly, “Hm?”

Jo opens his arms and you wrap your arms around his torso. Two long arms hold you against his broad chest, heart meeting with your ear. 

In that moment, you can hear everything—his heartbeat; his core and function that allow him to be breathing, talking, hugging you. Despite that, it’s gentle and caressing, like spring’s wind with the tenderness of the warm evenings of summer.

“Get home safe,” you almost whisper.

“I will,” he says back and you swear, he hugs you tighter. “You too.”

The roaring sound of Euijoo’s (almost) dying engine snaps you out of your thoughts.

You pull away from Jo.

“Bye-bye!” you tell the two of them.

“Bye, Y/N! Hope we can see you guys again!” Harua says, waving at you enthusiastically.

Jo offers a small smile and nod, the hug having rendered him silent.

You get into the passenger side of Euijoo’s car and with the final goodbyes and warnings (you pray Harua takes his nausea tablets before the flight), Euijoo and you are off.

You didn’t expect to feel so heavy leaving the parking lot but you did.

Jo’s eyes were full of sincerity. 

You felt like you lost what could’ve been between the two of you.

Euijoo is first to break the silent car ride.

“I have something I should confess.”

“Oh my God, I’m sorry, Juju. I don’t feel the same back. You’re like a brother to me,” you joke. 

Euijoo’s eyebrows pinch together, “You really worry me sometimes. Anyways, I do have to tell you something.”

“What?” you ask, turning to him. 

Euijoo’s hands are gripping the steering wheel particularly tighter. 

“That night Jo brought us home?” he starts. “He lied. You did do something embarrassing.”

Your heart drops to the pit of your stomach, “What did I do?” 

“You threw up all over him,” Euijoo explains. “I could barely remember it because I was also drunk but you did.”

“Oh my God.”

“And then, he took off your makeup, brushed your teeth, did your skincare and put you to bed,” Euijoo continues. “Then, he helped me get into bed. Can you believe the guy?”

Words smoke in your head, heart dropping out of your ass. You turn back as if you’d be able to see him. But you were already on the highway to home. 

Suddenly, you began missing the person you met. A deep, longing ache in your chest.

“He didn’t want me to tell you because he didn’t want you to be embarrassed,” Euijoo says. “That’s the type of person he is.”

You can’t think. 

In the car, on the way back to the apartment, in your room. You stare endlessly into the polluted afternoon sky of Shanghai.

Now, he’s going, gone. You’ll probably never see him again in your life.

The worst part is that you know he feels the same about you. Though there’s nothing you can do about it. 

You could go to Japan.

His pale skin illuminates your mind, that innocent smile and the way his eyes perked up when he saw you enter the café.

No.

Your heart is still here. In Shanghai. With your family and friends. Leaving now is a bad idea. You’d leave everything behind.

You sigh into your pillow.

Jo is gone. He’s not coming back. You have to let go of the potential that could’ve been.

You can’t be stuck over some Japanese guy who was here for a week. It makes no sense.

Your overfilled laundry basket looks at you, begging you to get them washed. And if there’s one thing that helps you destress, it’s cleaning. Picking up the basket, you head towards the front door, passing by a cooking  Euijoo.

Unfortunately, your apartment came with a shared laundry residing in the basement of the complex. 

You take the apartment and head down there, the basket heavier than expected. You shouldn’t have let your dirty laundry get this bad.

A couple of washing machines and dryers on when you enter the basement, the mechanic whirring comforting to the ears. The repeating patterns are predictable, fluid. You often find yourself reading whilst waiting for your laundry to finish.

“Y/N.”

That’s not predictable or fluid.

Nicholas stands on the other side of the laundry room.

You walk calmly to a washing machine on the other side of the room. As if there are eggshells under your feet.

“Coincidence?” he asks more to himself than you.

“Don’t read too much into it,” you reply.

“Can’t help it when you basically admitted to stalking me.”

Don’t take the bait, don’t take the bait, don’t take—

“I’m not stalking you. You’re not all that.”

Nicholas’ is holding back a smile.

Fuck.

You swivel around and put your laundry into the empty washing machine. Maybe if you ignored him, he would disappear into thin air. He wouldn’t be a demon standing on your shoulder, bewitching you to make bad decisions that are so easy to avoid.

Once you press start, Nicholas comes over to you.

“What do you want?” you sigh. Exhaustedly.

“Relax,” Nicholas says and points at your hand holding the detergent. “I still have another load to do.”

“Don’t you have one there?” you ask, looking right at the box of laundry detergent across the room.

“Ran out?” he questions. “May I have it?”

You pull the detergent back, “No. Get your own.”

“You’re mean,” he comments.

You turn your back to him, rolling your eyes, “Good. Hopefully, you’ll leave me alone.” 

“I like mean.”

You turn right back, “Leave me alone.”

“Give me the detergent,” he argues.

“No.”

“I’m not going,” he persists, eyes catching something on the ground.

“Nicholas, you have one there. You’re just here to bother me. Have you made up with your girlfriend yet? Go bother her. I’m not entertaining this—are you even listening to me?”

His eyes are locked into the ground between the two of you. Whatever you said must’ve gone right over his head.

“You dropped something,” he informs matter-of-factly.

You follow his line of sight.

You gasp.

This can’t get any worse.

Your dirty black lace panties are on the ground. 

It must’ve fallen out when you tried to put your laundry in. 

Great.

Now he’s seen it. 

“They’re cute.”

You slowly meet Nicholas’ eyes.

“The same ones you were wearing at Maki’s party, right?”

You’ve had it.

“Go!” you yell, pointing at the other side of the room.

He chuckles and walks over to his side, arms up in surrender.

But who really won today?

—

Cooking with your roommate every Thursday night has been a ritual in this household. It started off as a one off thing and then, you realised Euijoo and you had a lot of similar tastes. Hence, the tradition rose from the ashes.

You’d buy groceries together, bring them home and cook. After having the dinner you cooked, the two of you would do your nightly chores with an R&B playlist playing in the background and get ready for bed. When bedtime came around, you’d go to sleep with a glass of wine in your system.

A last kick before the weekend started—your weekends started on Friday through to Sunday due to your class schedule. How lucky.

You’re finishing wiping the countertops when Euijoo squeals from his bedroom.

“What happened?” you call out, pausing on Ella Mai’s vocals.

He bolts out of his room, face drained from colour, “Edwardo! He’s back!”

You raise an eyebrow, the least bit fazed, “Seriously?”

“Please,” he begs, clasping his hands together. “Just tonight.”

“No.”

“You told me you got rid of him! Why is he back?!” Euijoo asks.

Usually, Euijoo is the calmest person on planet Earth. You never had trouble communicating with him. Oftentimes, he’d be the one telling you to calm down when you were acting ‘irrational’. Today, he stands in front of you, hands clasped together, begging for your mercy.

Well, you have to admit, it is kinda your fault. You lied, saying you caught the cockroach living in his room and threw it out of your twenty-story balcony just so he’d let you sleep in your bed again.

“Y/N, please.”

“Fine,” you sigh. “Just tonight though.”

“Yes, yes! Thank you! I’ll get my stuff.”

The room swap had happened multiple times in the apartment due to the appearance of Edwardo. It got between your me-time. Me-time, meaning…using your vibrator. 

Luckily, the act of hiding your vibrator in your pillow case became seamless. You’d bring it to Euijoo’s room, place a towel underneath you and use it. That’s what you did when the clock struck midnight and you bid Euijoo a good night as he lay in your silky sheets.

You were already missing your bed.

You curse the cockroach running around in the dark.

At least you could do your nightly ritual.

Making sure the door is locked, you tug on it. Just in case Euijoo forgot something. Then, you get on the towel and tuck yourself in. A deep breath leaves you as you breathe in the cold air, goosebumps sticking up on your skin from sheer excitement.

You’ve been waiting all day for this.

You acknowledge your audience member of one (Edwardo).

Then, you stick the vibrator against your panties.

An exhale leaves you, sinking back into the pillows. 

Your core pulses, welcoming the familiar sensation of your vibrator.

You’re lonely.

You haven’t had a boyfriend for a good two years and even then, he couldn’t please you like you wanted. A couple of one night stands skewed across the last two years and still, your pleasure was discarded like garbage. As if it didn’t matter. Investing in a good vibrator is one of the best things you could’ve done for yourself. It became your best sex partner, taking you to places you could never have imagined going with a man.

But, still.

There’s a lingering emptiness in your core.

Wishing.

Wishing there’s someone who lives between your legs, pleasuring you.

Nicholas’ face floods your imagination.

He’s right here, between your legs, eating you like it's his last meal. He looks up at you, foxy eyes teasing you, picking at your reaction to his tongue.

A sound erupts.

You immediately pull the vibrator away, sitting up.

Did I make that sound?

“Nnghh~”

That’s not you.

You never made sounds when you used your vibrator, too afraid your roommate would hear you.

There it goes again.

You look around you.

“Please!”

It’s distant yet within earshot. Muffled, as if it’s in a different room.

You face the wall, staring at it as if it’s alive and talking

It’s coming from here…

“I can’t take it anymore. Please.”

Are you serious?

You make a mental map in your head of the hallway, trying to picture who could be next door.

You go limp.

“Fuck—Nicholas! Right there, baby. Yes…you eat it so good.”

Oh my God.

The bed creaks on the other side, reverberations echoing into Euijoo’s room.

“Yes, yes~”

You don’t know how your panties disappeared and you had the vibrator between your legs but you did. 

“Do you like that?” he asks her. His voice makes your knees buckle. It’s harsh and vulgar, the way he speaks to her.

“Mhmmm. No one does it like you…keep going.”

You bite your lower lip, angling the head of the vibrator on your clit. It hits your spot perfectly, your pussy aching.

This is wrong.

You shouldn’t be using your vibrator to them having sex. Frankly, it’s none of your business. Yet, hearing Nicholas and Rina have sex…it’s a luxury. 

“I’m gonna cum!”

Damn, me too.

Arching your back, Euijoo’s pillows support you as you come undone on the towel. You sigh into the pillow, eyelids heavy, blinking stars into the ceiling.

“Are you okay?” he asks from the other side.

No.

The completion from the orgasm dissolves like fading mist in the early hours of the morning. Dissatisfaction bites away the guilt as you look down at the mess you made. 

All because his voice is on the other side of the wall and not here right now.

—

It’s like you’ve been washed up on a shore by the time you wake up. A restless slumber didn’t aid the maelstrom that came over your head. Nicholas never left your mind. Not once, he did. When you fell asleep, he was the last thing you thought of. When you woke up, he was the first thing on your mind.

He’s invaded your mind, completely and entirely.

There are a couple knocks on the bedroom door.

You quickly hide the vibrator behind the pillow, reminding yourself to take it later.

“Yes?”

“Good morning,” Euijoo greets, opening the door. “Any sign of Edwardo?”

You shake your head, “Not that I’ve seen. I think you were just seeing things.”

“Really doubt it.”

“You really have to sleep in your room tonight though. I want my bed back.”

He’s about to open his mouth to beg or argue (who knows which?) but he’s interrupted by the sound of the doorbell.

“At this hour?” you ask, checking the time on your phone. It’s nine am on a Friday.

You head to the front door, Euijoo opening it.

Nicholas walks in, darkness carved under his eyes. It’s no surprise. They were going at it for hours last night. And you listened. To every ram into her hole, every moan and the bed creaking. You weren’t supposed to hear them but you couldn’t stop yourself from it. It scratched this spot in your brain—something you didn’t think you had in you. Your abdomen tightens, a burning reminder of what you can’t have.

“Morning, neighbour,” he says, taking in the two of you. His eyes linger on you, a small smile tuned on his face.

“What are you doing here?” Euijoo asks, irritated.

“Need my hoodie back.”

“Ah,” Euijoo nods, irritability vanishing much to your dislike. “I’ll go get it.”

You wish Euijoo wouldn’t leave you alone with him. You haven’t had enough time to process what happened last night. 

It’s nine am on a Friday for goodness sake. Can’t you get any peace around here?

But Euijoo left.

“Just woke up?” he asks you, leaning his side against the doorframe.

“Yeah, I’m gonna go—”

“Y/N!” Euijoo calls from the room.

Euijoo runs out of the room, something pink and long in his hand.

“Why is there a vibrator in my room?!”

Oh my God.

Silence.

This can’t be happening right now. If I close my eyes, this isn’t real. I—

“Did you sleep in Euijoo’s room last night?” 

“Were you at it again last night, Nicholas?”

You snap at Euijoo, “You’re not making this any better,” you turn to Nicholas and glare at him, “It’s none of your business.”

It seemed to click to Nicholas.

Something clears in his face.

Then, a fucking smirk. It crawls on his face as he crosses his arms across his chest, emphasising the veins cascading his pale arms.

God, shoot me now.

“So that’s why you’re trying to run away.”

You’re at a loss of words.

You don’t know how to defend yourself. 

You can’t.

“Bye, Nicholas,” Euijoo interferes. He hands a folded hoodie into his arms and pushes him out of the apartment.

Nicholas tries to catch your eyes again but you look at your feet, unable to face him. 

Euijoo and you don’t speak for a minute. You’re too embarrassed to look at your friend.  He introduced you to Nicholas and this is how you act? You hope he won’t say what you’re thinking.

‘Get out’, ‘Let’s just stop being friends’, ‘I wish we were never roommates’.

“Look,” Euijoo states as he turns to you. You wait for it, the unavoidable ending, “I know we’re just friends and I shouldn’t be interfering in your business like this but—”

“Interfere, please. Tell me I’m doing something wrong,” you interrupt him.

He stands against the door, sighs, “I’m not gonna say that either because you’re a smart girl. You know what you’re doing and Nicholas is my boy, but I’d be careful around him.”

 —

A week has passed since the vibrator incident. 

Things have been quiet around the apartment complex. Mainly because you’ve been keeping to yourself, minding your own business and completely avoiding him. You were focusing on your university assignments, finding something else to worry about instead of the void in your chest that was growing at an abnormal rate.

Every time you’d walk past your neighbour’s apartment, there was an involuntary twitch in your chest. You can’t deny it.

It’s like you were waiting for him to walk out the door. To make conversation like he always does, annoy you even. Because despite the fact he has a girlfriend, there’s a longing feeling in your chest. It aches, throbs to see him. Don’t get you wrong. It’s not like you wanted this to happen. 

In fact, you’ve been doing everything in your power to suppress it. Especially after what Euijoo and you talked about last time. You don’t know why you’re acting like this. Morally, you know it’s wrong. But what Nicholas doesn’t know can’t hurt his relationship.

The need grows stronger though, it rides over the wave of resistance you built.

You stand up and stretch after completing your studying for the night. Excited that you were going to spend the night unwinding with Netflix, you leave your room to get ready for it.

The light under Euijoo’s door has already vanished.

He must’ve clocked out for the night.

You sigh, seeing that the trash hasn’t been taken out yet.

It’s his day.

Because you weren’t evil, you decide to take one for the team and take the trash out. You leave the apartment, a cold breeze winding between your bare legs. The heating isn’t on in the hallway tonight.

I’ll make it quick.

You fast-walk down the hallway, the trash swinging by your side. You turn the corner of the hallway where the chute is. 

A small gasp leaves you.

He stands there, just finishing emptying out his trash.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” you say.

He turns around at the sound of a voice.

Then, he smiles at you, “Look who it is.”

You ignore him, reaching for the entrance of the chute. He stands in front of it, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Nicholas, I’m not in the mood.”

“Me neither,” Nicholas replies. “Why don’t we just get to the point?”

“There’s no point. There never will be.”

He raises an eyebrow. Nicholas leans down to your level, a sparkle from the light above the two of you in his eye, mischievous.

“Then, why were you using a vibrator that night? You heard me eating her out. You heard us fucking—“

“You got it wrong,” you interrupt him. Your eyes fall to the ground, “I didn’t even know you were having sex.”

“Then, why were you so embarrassed?”

“Who wouldn’t be embarrassed if their male roommate brought out their sex toy for the whole world to see?”

“Fair point,” Nicholas nods. “So what I heard through the wall was all wrong? The panting, the moaning?”

You shake your head, daring to look into his eyes, “I didn’t do any of that. I was...”

“You were what?”

“I was covering my mouth.”

“Why would you cover your mouth if Euijoo is in the other room? That’s a fair distance from the two rooms. You know what I think? If anything, you didn’t want anyone closer to hear you. And, if I could hear the panting and moaning, that means you could hear us—“

“Stop.”

Your voice comes out harsher than you wanted it to.

Nicholas purses his lips.

“Even if I wanted you, it’s none of your god damn business. Now, move out of my way.”

Nicholas’ arms drop to the side. He takes a step to the side, revealing the open chute. You exhale, glad that he listened for once.

You were sick of losing to his games all this time.

It seems like Nicholas needs to learn his lesson.

You throw the rubbish in, close the chute and smile at him, “Try me again and your dead body will end up in this chute.”

 —

“So, you’re going to move to Japan for sure?” Ningning asks you.

Her hair shimmers in the dark as she takes off her apron, dusting it from the day’s work. You’ve been working with Ningning for two years now at your local café and she has to be your favourite co-worker.

“I haven’t made my decision yet,” you answer. “The applications close in a couple months, so I have time until then.”

“We’d miss you ‘round here if you leave.”

“Aw,” you sound, opening the door for her. She switches off the light, scrunching her nose at your response. “I’d miss you too, Ning. But again, nothing is confirmed.”

She nods, “Wanna know something though?”

Ningning leaves through the door and you close the door behind you, locking it up for the night. Ten hours of working later, you somehow have energy to finish your night off. You wonder what Euijoo has planned tonight. Maybe you can eat out tonight.

“What?” you ask her.

“I think you’ll go.”

She stares into the distance, all-knowingly and serene-like. As if she’s not telling you something.

“Why do you say that?”

Ningning turns to you, winking, “Just a hunch.”

“You and your hunches,” you tease.

“Don’t say that when you’re packing for Japan,” she rebuts.

A car pulls up beside you on the curb. The window rolls down, revealing Xiaoting—Ningning’s roommate.

“Come on,” Ningning says, opening the back door for you. “We’ll drop you off.”

Xiaoting drops you off at the entrance of the apartment complex. You bid them good night and head in. You’re bathed in the scent of grounded espresso and tiramisu, your hair is a mess and your shirt is stained from a palate of desserts.

You can’t wait to get into the shower.

“Hey,” Euijoo greets when you open the door to your apartment.

He’s playing games on the couch.

Look. 

You have a guest.

Who can it be but Nicholas?

Nicholas looks over at you, examining your outfit.

You subconsciously try to neaten your hair and outfit in the oven glass as if that will reduce the grime caused by ten hours of work.

“You have to sleep in my room tonight, Y/N,” Euijoo says. He hits pause on the game, looking at you.

“What? No!”

“Edwardo’s there again!”

“Bro.”

“Last time, Y/N.”

“Don’t make my homeboy go on his knees now,” Nicholas chuckles.

You send him a glare, “You know why I can’t sleep in his room. I don’t want you to assume anything more.”

Euijoo purses his lips, “I promise. He’s not going to do anything funny.”

“I can’t.”

“Why?” Euijoo asks.

Nicholas looks away from the two of you, “We got into a fight.”

Euijoo gestures at his friend dramatically.

“See? He can’t! He has no girl to do it with. Please, Y/N!”

“You got into a fight?” you ask him.

Fuck. I shouldn’t have asked.

Nicholas lifts his head up, blank,  “Yeah, we did.”

You hold eye contact with him longer than you wanted to.

“Whatever.”

You open the door to your room.

“Will you sleep in my room?” Euijoo asks.

It can’t be bad.

If Rina isn’t there, there’s not much he can do, right?

“Fine,” you sigh.

“Thank you.”

You look back to give Euijoo a glare but you catch Nicholas’ face instead.

That’s how you knew you were fucked.

He looks like he just won.

You head straight to your bathroom, trying to burn that image of his face out of my mind. It’s impossible. 

It’s seared in your brain, gasoline on fire.

When you come out of your room, in your comfy PJs, a pillow in your hand and a vibrator hidden, there’s no trace of him. The living room is shrouded in darkness, Euijoo sitting on his phone.

“I’m gonna head to bed,” Euijoo says, hitting your shoulder lightly as he passes you. “Good night.”

“Night…”

You’re in another world. So much so that you’re standing in the dark, thinking over your life decisions. The fear of the unknown binds you wholly. Your expectations are blown into shreds when you close the bedroom door behind you. As if something sinister is waiting for you on the other side.

An excitement runs through you, quite like adrenaline. 

You get in bed, resting your back against the pillows as you look into the darkness in front of you. It’s eerily quiet as the clock strikes midnight.

You were a ghosthunter amidst an abandoned forest, waiting for a sign for the paranormal. You held onto your vibrator under the sheets, skin crawling, nipples perked through the light sleep shirt, anticipating it. Longing for the voice to find you in the darkness and grasp you by the throat.

You don’t know how you knew something was going to happen. Call it the Universe, God or a woman’s instinct but you knew it was coming soon.

It must’ve been hours when the first sign came around.

The wall groans.

“Sorry to keep you waiting, baby. Had some work to do.”

You wait for his girlfriend’s voice.

It doesn’t come…

“I know you can hear me.”

You sigh as quietly as you can, letting the air out through your lips in small pulses.

“You don’t have to say anything,” Nicholas continues. “I’m making a big mistake doing this, but you’re the mistake I’d make over and over again.”

You turn on the vibrator, the soft buzz stroking your clit.

You imagine Nicholas right now—sitting against his headboard, pants undone and his hard cock in his hand.

“That night,” he starts. “I knew you were listening and I imagined her as you.”

You tense your arm muscles trying to hit the right spot.

“God, I’m so hard right now thinking about you. Wish you were here right now, taking my cock. Wanna fuck you so bad.”

The wall moans and it grazes your ear.

You miss the spot on your clit.

It doesn’t help that his voice makes you wetter by the second.

“You’d look so pretty under me, taking me like a good girl,” he groans.You hate that it makes your core clutch in itself, like it wants to hide away. You change the angle of the vibrator so it can find the spot again. “It’s so hot when you shove me away. I know you’re doing it because you can’t admit what you want.”

“I wonder—you always bring Rina up when we talk…” Nicholas moans. “Do you want me to feel guilty about talking to you? ‘Cos I do.”

His voice gets shakier, “Every time I c-cum with her, you’re not the one under me.”

You press the back of your head against the cold wall, pulsing the vibrator on your clit. Nicholas has such a way with his words. You feel all the guilt leave your body as your orgasm builds up in your abdomen.

“I could be with her right now,” he blurts and you can hear the slapping of his wrist against the shaft of his cock. “But I’m here. Hopefully making you cum…why don’t you cum for me, Y/N? Cum all over Euijoo’s sheets. If you cum…is that a breath I hear?”

You breathe out as the orgasm hits you.

You hold your breath, moving slightly on the bed.

It creaks.

“Motherfucker,” you mouth.

You squeeze your thighs together, trying to minimise the overwhelming sensation between your legs.

“Fuck, I’m cumming,” he whimpers. The slapping gets louder and eventually, the bed creaks on the other side. He lets go completely, moaning. 

You’re recovering from the high of the orgasm, barely able to hold yourself together.

“I’m going to sleep now,” he says after a few minutes. “I’ll miss you.”

You sit there. 

It must’ve been hours trying to figure it out in your head.

Is what you did right? Guilt eats you alive in the bed. 

The man has a whole girlfriend and you’re entertaining this behaviour. It’s not fair on her at all. You can’t continue this. 

This was the first and last time it’d happen.

You promise yourself there and then that you’d never fuck Nicholas.

This stops now. 

—

You stopped every form of contact with Nicholas. Whether that be when he came over after work, seeing each other in the hallway and you absolutely refused Euijoo’s pleading to sleep in his room.

And yet, he ate you alive.

Every breathing moment, you thought about him like it was your last thought. Thinking about avoiding him, thinking about fucking him, thinking about him being your boyfriend—you’re bound to him.

“It’s weird,” Euijoo says when you’re leaving for work. His eyes are glued to the TV screen as you slip on your shoes. 

“What is?”

“You and Nicholas.”

You gulp.

“You were staring at each other’s souls just two weeks ago. What happened?”

“Nothing happened. He has a girlfriend,” you state. “I’m not gonna ruin their relationship.”

Euijoo turns to you. He takes a couple of seconds looking at your outfit, “Hm, good idea. It won’t be worth it.”

There seems to be a subliminal message, a foreshadowing in Euijoo’s words. However, the time on your phone sends a stronger message—you’re late for work.

“Bye, Euijoo.”

You close the front door behind you and speedwalk down to the elevator, not even sparing a glance at the opening door of your neighbour.

You enter the elevator, head down.

Your eyes peek up though, trying to get anything from your restricted view. Plaid pajama pants, black tank top, fluffy slippers that are scented peach from living with a woman full-time. She must be back.

“Ignoring me now?”

You ignore him, pressing ‘G’ on the panel.

He’s standing in front of you, very much looking down on you as you back into the wall. It’s subtle, slicing through the air.

“Come on. You’re no fun~” he whines. “I don’t know why you keep denying what you want.”

The frustration cuts through the tension.

You snap your head up at him.

You regret it.

He looks like he won the long game.

You can’t let him have it.

“You have a girl.”

“You think I don’t know that?”

He challenges you with his eyes, looking into you.

“I’m not doing this.”

You take out your phone, playing mindlessly.

“Sometimes I wonder what would’ve happened if I met you first instead of her.”

A ripple of warmth unleashes. But he’s fucking with you. He always is and he won’t stop until you put your foot down. So, you get mad, smack him on the arm, “You never know when to stop, do you? I would never stoop as low as to be with a cheating asshole like you!”

Nicholas smirks, “You already did.”

“Shut your mouth, Nicholas.”

It takes you a second to realise the elevator itself isn’t moving.

You click the button again.

You’re already going to be ten minutes late. You can’t afford to lose time right now.

The elevator stiffens completely.

“Fuck,” you whisper, pressing the button to open the doors of the elevator. “Fuck, I’m gonna be so late.”

A voice comes through from the top of the elevator, making the two of you jump, "Hello, this is the management team of the apartment complex. We apologize for the inconvenience, but the lifts are currently experiencing a service issue. At this time, we are unsure of the expected wait. Thank you for your patience and understanding."

“You’ve gotta be kidding me.”

You groan and call Ningning immediately.

There’s no way you’re making it to your shift.

Luckily, Ningning picks up on the first ring, “Hello?”

“Ningning! I’m so sorry but is there any way you could cover me today?” you ask her. Nicholas is staring at you, his eyes on your lips. “There’s a service issue and I’m stuck in my elevator right now. Don’t know how long it’s gonna take.”

“You caught me at a good time actually. I’ll be able to cover tonight.”

“God, I love you.”

She laughs, “Not too much now. Only for today.”

“Yes, yes. Thank you! I’ll see you next week.”

“Good luck!”

You put your phone down, sighing with relief.

That scared you.

You spend a few moments of silence with Nicholas.

“Y/N,” he speaks up.

You’re busy tapping away on your phone, “Don’t.” 

“I don’t deserve you.”

You scoff, looking up at him, “Yeah.”

His expression changes. There’s a low heat in his eyes, carnal. It presses you by your throat, pushing you against the useless panel of the elevator. You have to stop wanting it. Wanting it could destroy who you are. You would never want your boyfriend to be cheating on you. You wouldn’t wish that on anybody.

“I can’t stop thinking about you,” he confesses, voice dropping an octave lower. “And I know you can’t either. You think I haven’t tried to stay away? You’re all I fucking think about.”

You want to disappear. And as bad as it sounds, you want to disappear in a good way. The feeling itself derives from being flustered at his words.

You’ve never felt more seen in your life.

Nicholas takes a step towards you.

For the first time since you knew, you don’t deny it.

“Tell me to stop and I’ll stop. I’ll stop and never even lay my eyes on you again.”

You’re staring at him, loss of words.

“Say you don’t want me.”

His demanding words fall short because his voice is soft, just above a whisper. It reeks of desperation as it searches you for an answer it wants to hear.

He gets closer.

So close you feel his breath fanning on your forehead.

“Say it now…please.”

This is everything you’ve been denying, wanting you. Begging for you.

Dread looms over you just imagining him never sneaking a glance at you again. Your breath is stuck in your throat, eyes looking over his face for an answer that you know is right.

But you’re so sick of doing what’s right.

You have to do what you want.

What you want right now is to fuck senselessly inside this elevator.

“I want you.”

And so, you yank him into you.