the (ex)jedi way

all text taken from the poetry book night sky with exit wounds by ocean vuong.

‘  in the body, where everything has a price, i was a beggar.  ‘

‘  he was singing, which is why i remember it. his voice — it filled me to the core like a skeleton.  ‘

‘  even my name knelt down inside me, asking to be spared.  ‘

‘  it is all i remember.  ‘

‘  i was alive. i didn’t know there was a better reason.  ‘

‘  i lost it all with my eyes wide open.  ‘

‘  do you know who i am?  ‘

‘  how easily a boy in a dress the red of shut eyes vanishes beneath the sound of his own galloping.  ‘

‘  i’m dreaming of a curtain of snow falling from her shoulders.  ‘

‘  snow scraping against the window. snow shredded with gunfire. red sky.  ‘

‘  show me how ruin makes a home out of hip bones.  ‘

‘  let every river envy our mouths. let every kiss hit the body like a season.  ‘

‘  if you must know anything, know that the hardest task is to live only once.  ‘

‘  if we make it to shore, i will name our son after this water. i will learn to love a monster.  ‘

‘  he laughs despite knowing he has ruined every beautiful thing just to prove beauty cannot change him.  ‘

‘  hey! you didn’t have to go this far. why did you go so far?  ‘

‘  sometimes i feel like an ampersand.  ‘

‘  everyone can forget us — as long as you remember.  ‘

‘  i hold the gun & wonder if an entry wound in the night would make a hole as wide as morning.  ‘

‘  there’s a lighthouse. some nights you are the lighthouse, some nights the sea.  ‘

‘  what this means is that i don’t know desire other than the need to be shattered & rebuilt.  ‘

‘  even tomorrow you will have today.  ‘

‘  you’ll never forget yourself the way god forgets his hands.  ‘

‘  the body is a blade that sharpens by cutting.  ‘

‘  my mother said i could be anything i wanted — but i chose to live.  ‘

‘  i am ready to be every animal you leave behind.  ‘

‘  and this is how we loved: a fifth of vodka and an afternoon in the attic, your fingers though my hair — my hair a wildfire.  ‘

‘  when our lips touched the day closed into a coffin.  ‘

‘  the year is a distance we’ve traveled in circles.  ‘

‘  we made it, baby. we’re riding in the back of the black limousine.  ‘

‘  i love my country. i pretend nothing is wrong.  ‘

‘  i’m holding your still-hot thoughts in, darling, my sweet, sweet ___.  ‘

‘  you want to tell him it’s okay that the night is also a grave we climb out of.  ‘

‘  you say thank you thank you thank you because you haven’t learned the purpose of forgive me.  ‘

‘  you’re so quiet you’re almost tomorrow.  ‘

‘  to love another man — is to leave no one behind to forgive me. i want to leave no one behind.  ‘

‘  even though he’s gone, i still want to be clean.  ‘

‘  if only the rain were gasoline, your tongue a lit match, & you can change without disappearing.  ‘

‘  he dies each night you close your eyes & hear his slow exhale.  ‘

‘  wait, i have something to say.  ‘

‘  as if my finger, tracing your collarbone behind closed doors, was enough to erase myself.  ‘

‘  to forget we built this house knowing it won’t last.  ‘

‘  it’s funny. i always knew i’d be warmest beside by man.  ‘

‘  don’t laugh. just tell me the story again.  ‘

‘  speak — until your voice is nothing but the crackle of charred bones.  ‘

‘  look how happy we are to be no one & still american.  ‘

‘  i’ll tell you how we’re wrong enough to be forgiven/  ‘

‘  say you’d kill for it.  ‘

‘  don’t we touch each other just to prove we are still here?  ‘

‘  silly me. i thought love was real and the body imaginary.  ‘

‘  i said yes because you asked me to stay.  ‘

‘  there is so much i want to tell you. how my greatest accolade was to walk across the brooklyn bridge & not think of flight.  ‘

‘  you will always remember what you were doing when it hurts the most.  ‘

‘  dearest father, forgive me for i have seen.  ‘

‘  once, i fell in love during a slow-motion car crash.  ‘

‘  i wrote a better hour onto the page & watched the fire take it back.  ‘

‘  this means you are not alone.  ‘

‘  don’t stay here. don’t cry anymore.  ‘

‘  i promise to stop soon.  ‘

‘  how come depression makes me feel more alive?  ‘

‘  i shouldn’t have, but he had the hands of someone i used to know. someone i was used to.  ‘

‘  i dreamed i walked barefoot all the way to your house in the snow. everything was the blue of smudged ink and you were still alive.  ‘

‘  here. that’s all i wanted to be.  ‘

‘  don’t worry. your father is only your father until one of you forgets.  ‘

‘  the end of the road is so far ahead it is already behind us.  ‘

‘  don’t be afraid, the gunfire is only the sound of people trying to live a little longer & failing.  ‘

‘  remember, loneliness is still time spent with the world.  ‘

‘  the difference between prayer & mercy is how you move the tongue.  ‘