i broke a 2 day fast with milk today and it may have been the actual worst decision of my life
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i broke a 2 day fast with milk today and it may have been the actual worst decision of my life

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Sharon Olds
shaking six year old me by the shoulders YOU WERE RIGHT. YOU WERE RIGHT ABOUT LOVE AND ABOUT FAIRNESS AND ABOUT SHARING IS CARING. YOU WERE RIGHT. THE ADULTS DON’T KNOW ANY MORE ABOUT TRUTH THAN YOU DO. KEEP BELIEVING IN THE FAIRIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE GARDEN. NOTHING IS “JUST THE WAY IT IS”. I AM SORRY THEY EVER CONVINCED YOU TO FEEL SHAME. YOU ARE REAL AND A PART OF THIS WORLD. YOU WERE RIGHT.
the memory changes

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"BROKEN"
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i am going to fucking throw up
not to get too deep on main but did anyone else have such deeply rooted issues with their self worth for so long that they thought as a kid/teen that their only redeeming feature was being “low maintenance” and now as an adult you give yourself guilt pangs asking for any more than the barest minimum in virtually any relationship because asking for things might negate your only good quality which is just “doesn’t ask for things”
#you don’t believe you can be liked so you settle for being useful
Having a traumatic childhood means you cannot talk even objectively about your basic foundational experiences without it being "venting", even if you're not actually venting. You just straight up have a huge chunk of your life you can't talk about, full stop, without it being trauma dumping.
And it not being socially acceptable to talk about your own childhood is super alienating. Sometimes people want to know why, and any answer you can give them is going to be off putting.
It's to the point I get irritated when something I said is framed as venting when I'm literally just talking about my life experiences, doing my best to keep emotion out of it.

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Abusive parents instill this compulsion in you to always act like everything is okay. No matter what is done to you, or what you're experiencing, you're compulsed to act okay. They do this in order to preserve their public image, and it's usually done by severe punishment and humiliation, for every time when you're openly showing any pain, dissent, emotion or opposition to what they say.
Next thing you're taught is that if you can act like you're okay, then you're fine. If you were really 'not okay', then you wouldn't be able to act fine, you'd be openly having a breakdown, crying, screaming, creating a scene or whatever else and it would be beyond your control. Which is easy to convince you, because you're constantly watching them scream, cry, throw tantrums, create scenes and having violent outbursts, seemingly without their control, and you don't want to be acting like that. You understand that this behaviour is childish and dramatic, you're repulsed by it.
However when it's about you, they convince you that any complaint, any little show of pain, hurt, fear or unwillingness to go ahead with whatever they want, is the same as their tantrums, actually worse. They get rewarded with attention and comfort for their tantrums, you get punished for any hint of distress.
So then you end up feeling like you always, no matter what, have to keep your control, because if you don't, you'd be like them, tantrum-throwing out-of-control giant oversensitive baby. You believe if at any point you ask your needs to be considered, if any time you were to voice discomfort, pain, or anger, you'd be considered a burden. Possibly get humiliated and despised. You'd be shamed and socially outcased because nobody would want to put up with that. Your compulsion to act like everything is okay, becomes so strong that you could be actively dying and you still wouldn't say a word, or show a hint that something might be wrong with you.
And you doubt even your own pain, and cling to the notion you were taught before. 'If you truly weren't okay, you wouldn't be able to act okay'. But this is a lie. If a person is compulsed, with such high stakes, to act okay, they can act okay through anything. You can actively be having a panic attack and act okay. You could be having severe health issues and act okay. You could be having severe trauma condition and act okay. There is almost no limit to how far you can act when you feel unsafe. My body learned to time seizures and attacks to only happen when other people were not around to see it. Because it felt like my life depended on it.
It is possible to act okay and very much not be okay. The fact that you're forced to act means you're unsafe to show how not-okay you are, not that you are really fine if you can act it! Your condition should not be put on a doubt just because you're not visibly and publicly falling apart. Abusers visibly throwing tantrums is also an act, not their true state. You've been lied to twice. People can act okay through hell, and they can throw tantrums for nothing. Don't doubt how not-okay you are, even if you can act otherwise.
chicken noodle soup has never made me feel like this much of a failure before but ok
"SURVIVING"
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I JUST WEIGHED IN AT 141??????
- on mothers
lady bird/ @death-born-aphrodite/ everything, everywhere, all at once/ rupi kaur/ unknown/ maia baia/ your best american girl- mitski/ lady bird/ unknown/ @inkskinned

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today i learned about cauliflower rice. i will be going to the store tmrw to see if they have it! i dont wanna make it myself :((
forgot to do this lol. added to the list of things to do tmrw :))
by god im not gonna break this fast until 11:15