i'm aware i'm a wolf

Toronto Maple Leafs: Two dozen interchangeable blond teens named “Match Marstonder.”

Washington Capitals: One big yelling man (Russian) for scoring, one big yelling man (Canadian) for punching, one handsome yelling man (also Canadian) for making the other team’s goals not happen, and several others (Swedish ???) for yelling. They are all each other’s moms and they are my favorite.

WINNER: The power of narrative is generally on the side of The Big-Hearted Band of Misfit Teens, but also every 2016-17 indicator suggests that the Bad Guys Will Always Win, so the CAPS, probably.

Pittsburgh Penguins: A talented robot engages in bizarre rituals to help him lead an erratic parade of banged-up nice boys. One of them is a very beautiful French Canadian, but you will not see him in the playoffs because he got extra banged up :(, but you might see him in a suit in the audience SO who are the real winners here? Us, that’s who. On the other hand, this team made me want to sex this person, so maybe I specifically am not a winner.

Columbus Blue Jackets: The Columbus Blue Jackets could shut out every game they ever played and people would still be like “look at these scrappy little underdogs go!” I think this is because “Blue Jackets” is a very cute name for a team, like what your 4-year-old nephew would nickname a team that had a real, normal name.

WINNER: The Rust Belt

New York Rangers: Speaking of names, every Rangers player’s name was created by a Captcha generator, which is why we all have to pretend that “Ty Ronning” and “Jesper Fast” are regular things to call human beings. Spry 74-year-old Henrik Lundqvist leads this team, wearing a suit.

Montreal Canadiens: The Canadiens are also called “The Habs,” which is short for “Les Haberdashers,” because of their distinctive homemade fur hats. Carey Price, the only goalie permitted to ride a horse onto the ice nightly, has never said a single word aloud and communicates by glaring. These people traded PK Subban and then tried to be like “ohhhh we’re still friends” but I will never forgive them.

WINNER: Carey Price Has Done Nothing Wrong Ever In His Life

Boston Bruins: These dudes make me nervous. At any moment I feel they could travel to Toronto and shove all the Maple Leafs into lockers.

Ottawa Senators: INEXPLICABLY not called the Ottawa Otters??? ???? ????? ??????????? what the fuck

WINNER: SenOtters

Nashville Predators: PK IS HERE!!! PK IS SPEAKING!!! EVERYBODY SHUT UP!!!!! PK Subban chooses his game day Löoks based on “a show I used to watch, Boardwalk Empire.” The Predators are my favorite team that I don’t care about.

Chicago Blackhawks: No offense, but gross.

WINNER: PREDATORS

Minnesota Wild: Lumberjack strippers.

St. Louis Blues: I have never heard of these people.

WINNER: There are no winners here.

Calgary Flames: These guys are precious. One of them is named “Johnny Hockey.” One of them charmed me via Bananaphone. I’m a huge Calgary Flames fan, probably.

Anaheim Ducks: Once before I knew anything about hockey I was at trivia & there was a question about who played the Kings at Dodgers Stadium and someone was like “Ugh whatever, just put ‘The Mighty Ducks.’” This was the correct answer and we were all thrilled and surprised to discover they are a real team. (We did not win the trivia night.) 

WINNER: FLAMES, but maybe all of us if these two let a dog do the puck drop again.

San Jose Sharks: The Sharks have a CAT MASCOT based on a CAT who RAN ONTO THE ICE and was ADOPTED by one of the PLAYERS! The Sharks are my sweet and special boys for this reason and no other.

Edmonton Oilers: Is “Oilers” is the grossest possible name a sports team could have without being openly racist? Probably, and even if it isn’t, I hate it.

There is a gold light in certain old paintings That represents a diffusion of sunlight. It is like happiness, when we are happy. It comes from everywhere and from nowhere at once, this light, And the poor soldiers sprawled at the foot of the cross Share in its charity equally with the cross.

2

Orpheus hesitated beside the black river. With so much to look forward to he looked back. We think he sang then, but the song is lost. At least he had seen once more the beloved back. I say the song went this way: O prolong Now the sorrow if that is all there is to prolong.

3

The world is very dusty, uncle. Let us work. One day the sickness shall pass from the earth for good. The orchard will bloom; someone will play the guitar. Our work will be seen as strong and clean and good. And all that we suffered through having existed Shall be forgotten as though it had never existed.

the endless beat of a drum behind your ears tick tocking like a clock with the second hand winning

it’s the sound of your heartbeat and your mother’s and your sister’s and all the ones before

and the sound of the marching left right left foot black boots through the streets boarded windows screaming children

Stand still. The trees ahead and bushes beside you Are not lost. Wherever you are is called Here, And you must treat it as a powerful stranger, Must ask permission to know it and be known. The forest breathes. Listen. It answers, I have made this place around you. If you leave it, you may come back again, saying Here. No two trees are the same to Raven. No two branches are the same to Wren. If what a tree or a bush does is lost on you, You are surely lost. Stand still. The forest knows Where you are. You must let it find you.

– David Wagoner (1999)

EF 0 Tornado / Didsbury / Alberta / i.m. ruzz

I’ve been kinda putting off posting these because they’re so much spectacle you won’t bother with the mennonites. Canada day I finally got my first tornado. 

Storm Chasing is an odd habit. you often get into situations you probably shouldn’t be in, you spend your days trying to get your work done before or after the peak times and generally it’s sort of isolating to be out in a massive storm alone in the prairie. 

At the end of last year I’d debated giving it up because I had a couple storms that caught me and didn’t like the stress involved in trying to predict and stay ahead of massive waves of violence. But the pictures kept dragging me back. the awesome power and unrepeatable light kept dragging me back. 

I’d half promised myself to just find nice slow moving wall/shelf clouds and stay out of the dangerous stuff but all that went out the window when I saw and heard the power of an actual tornadic storm. Yes, my blood pressure was through the roof. Yes I felt like my head could pop off my shoulders at any moment and honestly there were some really scary moments. 

but at the same time, it was astoundingly beautiful. something primal happens in our bodies when faced with such power and learning to control that primal call is fascinating. Learning to work through the adrenaline and stress and find the chords of beauty is something I learnt I enjoyed. 

Now, having been in front of one of these true monsters everything else seems a tiny bit boring. A tiny bit human in scale.