I do not want to write this story. As I am still in the process of trying to heal from it. It has been 4 months since we have broken up and i can say life is just now starting to become colorful again. My spirit is strong and curious again but i still feel the slight pain from the old wounds of this relationship. But I will write this story because I think it needs to be told. Narciisists are horrible people and it takes very long to recover from the damage they inflict. So i will tell my story with the hopes that it helps someone else out at some point.
Since the relationship ended I have become somewhat of an expert on narcissism. Funny thing is i diagnosed my ex as a narcissist months before it ended but at that point i was in too deep, I loved her so much. There is no getting around how much I loved her and i am embarrassed by this relationship for that fact alone. i feel weak and ruined. Mainly because I loved her and from what i read she was incapable of loving me. The love was indeed real for me but it was manufactured by her. It was a lie. In this post I will commence to illustrate narcissism and its many traits and how and when they appeared in the course of my relationship.
1. Lack of empathy; I said this to my ex many times whether it was regarding me or someone else. I suppose the first time i questioned her lack of empathy was one day we were sitting in Bryant park and a young homeless woman came up asking for money. She didn't give her any. I had recently resolved to give what i could spare to anyone willing enough to ask as I had just read a few books on homelessness. But even I, before that, wasn't exactly very giving to the homeless. So I noticed but didn't think much of it. I just figured for someone who would spend $300 on dinner why not a dollar for this woman?
2. Ever changing identity: If you took a picture of my ex when we first met and a picture of her after our year together it would look like two different people. For one she went from long glued on lace front wigs and a face full of make up to being natural with minimal make up. Come to find out narcissists become whomever they think you want them to be. Her husband was white so she looked like a brown white lady when we first met. I'm black and all about the natural so suddenly she is back black and natural as well. She grew up in Brooklyn but talked like a white person from god knows where. Her sister on the other hand talked like she was from Brooklyn so I am led to believe she taught herself to speak a certain way to improve her marketability to a certain demographic (wealthy white men) for work purposes (more on that later).
I noticed how much she would change around other people her laugh and mannerisms would change becoming extremely loud and snobbish. At one occasion we were out with her ex and sister at a cigar class and I went to the bathroom. The instructor said something about sucking. And i hear her loud as day through the bathroom door "Im married to Jason, I know how to suck." Huge red flag and i again chose to ignore it. Needless to say how embarrassed I was at that.
3. Pathological lying: I didn't catch on to the fact that she was a liar because she made her sale seem very truthful by saying over the top seemingly honest things. Examples include;
"I fuck my husband like a porn star"
"I want an open relationship"
"I danced really close with someone and i feel guilty"
She contacted me 5 days ago, to try to be friends I suppose. So she began going on and on about how suddenly all her husbands drama is coming back on her. They want to give her more jail time than he has. So in 20 days "marshals are coming to my house to arrest me." From my leanings this is a tactic used to illicit sympathy to weasel their way back into ones life. This isn't the first time fictitious marshals were scheduled to come to her house (do they even do that) they never showed up when i was dating her and I'm pretty sure they aren't going to show up this time around. She goes on ranting about how she will be all over the press/news and won't be able to go out to dinner. Seriously? I doubt a big titty stripper with tax problems is going to make the evening news. I just don't see it happening. Not in a world where whether or not a pop star is wearing panties consistently overshadows our current and very corrupt political system.
Other things she lied about;
Deleting her match.com profile
Ceasing communication with someone on match.com
How she met certain people
How certain people got her address
Im sure she lied on poor her poor husband JS (I don't see how he managed all those years with her)
The amount of money she owed
How well she could play violin
4. Sexually Charged: It has been said female narcissists tend to seduce people of both sexes. Well obviously my ex gets a gold star here. She was married to her husband, dated me (and many other women), probably still married to her husband and now dating a ftm that i met once at a dinner. She has no sexual preference. She just likes who ever and whatever is giving her her narcissistic supply.
Oh and did i mention she was a stripper and has been on and off for over 15 years, consistently for 11? I make no judgements about her doing this because for some people its just a job. For her i think its more than that. I think its her way of getting all the praise she wants and money she wants for a few hours a day. Some people hate the job, they get in/get out and move on. Some, on the other hand, relish the job. Admiration and money; two things narcissists need to build and maintain their grand facade.
5. Mirroring: Narcissists tend to mirror traits they like in other people. Which goes hand in hand with lack of identity. She changed depending on who she was around and mimicked them. The oddest thing. I would tell her how different she was when her sister was around or when we were out to dinner with a bunch of the people she knew. I didn't realize at the time that it was mirroring.
