Recklessly Infatuated 2

In an initiative designed to expand the administration’s recruitment base beyond its current pool of MyPillow executives, television doctors and Fox News hosts, the UFC Freedom 250 event will reward any fighter who sustains a traumatic brain injury with a senior government role.

The event, held on the White House lawns in celebration of the country’s 250th Anniversary and Donald Trump’s 80th birthday, has been described as a groundbreaking new talent pipeline program. “We’re always on the lookout for qualified candidates,” a White House spokesperson said at a briefing today. “After a few rounds in the octagon, these guys will have exactly the kind of cognitive profile we’re looking for”.

The spokesperson said they were excited about the potential of the new talent initiative. “We had a guy last month who couldn’t remember what day it was, couldn’t complete a sentence without losing his train of thought and kept insisting he was winning despite all available evidence. That’s the President I’m talking about of course. But we’re hoping to find other people like him through this process”.

Under the program – nicknamed Concussion to Cabinet – fighters will be assessed for suitability based on their inability to recall the sequence of events that just occurred, absolute certainty that they are correct despite video evidence to the contrary and a willingness to continue taking hits while insisting everything is fine.

Trillionaire Elon Musk says space is the ‘final frontier’ in his ongoing search to find someone who likes him, after exhausting all other known options on Earth.

Musk, who has spent billions of dollars desperately trying to get people on his home planet to like him, said the successful IPO of his rocket company SpaceX will unlock vital funds for the project.

“All I’ve ever wanted is for someone to like me,” Musk explained at the IPO in Texas. “Believe me, I’ve tried everything. I bought a social media platform in an effort to find a friend. I decimated the US Civil service and gave the project a funny name so people would think I was cool, but that didn’t work.

“Then I spent two years developing a piece of AI software so I could build an artificial girlfriend, but even she doesn’t like me. Space is my last remaining option. Statistically, someone out there has to find my jokes funny”.

But astrophysicists are not so certain. “The observable universe contains hundreds of billions of galaxies, each with billions of stars and planets, so the probability that there is life out there is incredibly high,” astrophysicist Brendan Klein said.