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The United States has been declared the winner of today’s World Cup match, after Donald Trump called FIFA to claim that the match had been ‘stolen’ by Belgium.

In a statement following the call, FIFA said that despite the 4-1 scoreline, Belgium had not in fact won and that the game had been ‘retrospectively recalibrated’.

“According to Article 288 of the FIFA Code, Belgium’s four goals appear to have been scored in a match that was not this match, but another very similar match that does not coxunt,” the statement read.

“Furthermore, the match did not meet the evidentiary threshold required to constitute ‘having happened’ within the meaning of Article 12, Section 4, Subsection (iii) of the Competition Regulations.

“As a result, Belgium’s four goals will remain on the record, but have been reclassified as ‘exhibition goals’, for reasons that are obvious to anyone who understands how international football works”.

The White House said that Donald Trump had raised some very interesting points in the phone call. “Namely, that the World Cup is being played in America, that America is a winning country, and that it would be a shame if certain broadcasting arrangements were to be reconsidered.”