rebuilding her

Has been full of shit.

The worst year of my life.

And I did it to myself.

I didn’t stick to my boundaries.

I let shit slide…shit that I’ve NEVER accepted before.

Why?

Comfort…

It wasn’t worth it.

I’m afraid I’ll never love unconditionally again.

Because I know how beautiful can be, but I know what a nightmare it can become.

You say they submitted more than I did.

Funny.

They submitted to a lie.

A liar.

A boy.

They didn’t have to provide…all they had to do was fuck or suck when you called.

They didn’t have to build you back up when you broke down…all they had to do was fuck or suck when you called.

They didn’t have to sit back and listen to you LIE when you said you loved them…all they had to do was fuck or suck when you called.

They didn’t have to leave work in the middle of the day in shambles because they found out you cheated on them.

They didn’t have to rebuild their confidence because you cheated on them.

They didn’t have to question their worth because you cheated on them.

They didn’t have to second guess themselves.

They didn’t struggle to look in the mirror.

The didn’t feel small.

They didn’t give up a career they enjoyed, pay rent for an empty apartment for months, take a pay cut, or live below their norm.

They got to fuck or suck and go home.

Unbothered.

What was there for me to submit to?

I love to see love.

I love seeing people who are being loved properly.

But when is it going to be my turn?

Is it in my plan to experience love?

To receive love…

Bit by bit…my desire to deal with love is fading away.

I’m trying to hold on…but is it worth it?

Is the risk of ending up in this space again really worth it?

Or is it better to just accept the love I’m working on having for myself?

Should I just accept that that’s all I’m going to get?

At least then, I’ll know it’s genuine.

Was I lacking?

Questions that run through my mind every single day…

Questions that I know shouldn’t be on my mind.

I didn’t tell you to behave the way you did…but did those girls offer something that I didn’t?

Did they make you feel better than I did?

I felt I gave my all in our relationship…but it wasn’t enough.

Every single day…I chose you. Why couldn’t you choose me?

Why did you pretend that you only wanted me?

You had so many opportunities to just say that you didn’t want to be with me…why didn’t you?

Were you proud of yourself for getting away with it all?

Was my constant anxiety entertaining to you?

Was it funny?

Did it boost your ego knowing you had a woman like me, constantly worrying about what you were doing?

Or was I even a thought?

Why did you even want to start any of this?

Just to ruin it…

Me: “Why not?”

You: “…that’s just not what I want.”

What the fuck am I supposed to do with this information?

Your actions didn’t show me that you didn’t want this to end. Your words didn’t either.

You can’t tell me why you don’t want this to be over…restating your original statement doesn’t provide any type of explanation.

You don’t want to go in the house because I’m not there. Guess what? You’re the reason I’m not there.

You wonder why you “blew up your own life.” I wish I had the answer(s) for you.

I’d like to know too.

Where was all of this “caring” when I needed you to care about our relationship?

Or do you only care because life has become a slight struggle since I decided to leave?

Because when I was there, you made it crystal clear…multiple times…that this relationship did NOT matter to you.

Am I supposed to hear you going through a tough time and miraculously decide to come back?

Welcome to the struggle I’ve been going through over the past year.

My therapist told me I'm directing my anger for what you've done, to myself.

She's right.

I told her that I wasn't even upset about what you did anymore, but that I was more upset at myself for ignoring the red flags for as long as I did.

It's true.

I've been beating myself up these last few weeks because...how could I have been so stupid? Why did I accept less than the bare minimum for so long? Why did I stay after you gave me no reason to stay?

I wrote 13 negative thoughts that cross my mind, ABOUT MYSELF, every single day.

I wrote ZERO about you.

I still try to make your infidelity, my fault. I still try to figure out what I could've done to prevent it...to keep you from entertaining other women.

I know it's not my fault. There's nothing I could have done.

My mom once told me that "behavior doesn't change just because the title does...if they're going to cheat, they're going to do it as a boyfriend, fiancé, and/or husband." She was right. And you played me at every level.

You chipped away at my trust and love for you at every level.

You lied to me at every level.

And now that I've lost my desire to try, you want to be the victim and make me feel like it's my problem to fix.

It's not.

You did this.

You made the terrible decisions that brought us here.

I just finally decided to choose me over you.

It was time.

At 9:03.

I’m laying here wiping tears away because you…are manipulative.

You think the world revolves around you.

You think shit starts and stops whenever you say.

You think I’m too stupid to realize what you’re intentionally doing.

You make me so fucking sad.

I want you to do better.

But in this moment, I can’t say I care if you grow/improve during this time.

I don’t.

Today I felt like taking pictures of myself…even some with my friends.

Today I got overwhelmed with the thought of “will I ever be good enough?”

Today I wondered if I was just meant to be single and alone forever.

Today I wondered if I was only going to be good enough to be a “bro” or a “cool person to hang with”…like I was in college.

Today started off with me feeling my brokenness, then I felt like my old self, then I felt like nothing.

Today was my first up and down day.

Today was, without question, the roughest day I’ve had in a while.