RoI

I never thought of myself as an intelligent child because I didn’t catch on in school as quickly as other children. I also had a negative view of my capabilities because of some really horrible, discouraging teachers. Turns out, the industrialized school system was not favorable to my preferred learning styles. Go figure. 

By the time I was a teenager, (with help of the internet) I figured out how to study to suit my needs and found a deep fascination with history, English literature and art. I graduated with honors from high school (much to my surprise) and I found myself accepted into a university, of all places. This was a great accomplishment for me because many educators of mine insisted I would never be able to pursue post-secondary education. So fuck you, still. I have a lot of thoughts regarding putting that much pressure on a child, but that’s for another time. 

 I felt a lot of pressure between the ages of 16 to 18, especially as a young indigenous woman from a reserve. I felt like I had to prove myself and do better than the expectations people had for me. I was competitive. While I was proud of myself for getting that far, I had a very loose idea of what I wanted to do with my life. If, any real idea. I wanted to go study animation or character design, but I found myself going to university with a vague, undeclared major instead. I had this perception that I had to grow up, give up that ‘kid stuff’ and become a ‘real adult’ since I was apparently intelligent enough to get into university. So much unexpected pressure came with that honors in high school. I wanted to get out of the poverty trap. I wanted better things for myself. I wanted to have a good job, and make money. But I wasn’t sure how to do that. I was convinced that a “real job” would be a better option than my disorganized artwork and fascinations.

I struggled. 

Because it turns out, you should never lie to yourself and pursue something you’re not interested in. Especially when you have this vague idea about what you should be doing in society. My initial major was geography, but I quickly lost interest in that and I found myself aimlessly taking different courses that sounded okay to me. The lack of direction, paired with mourning my “wasted potential” and not creating made me incredibly depressed. Not to mention the various other obstacles I had. I wasn’t adjusting very well to my university town. I couldn’t make any good friends. My family situation wasn’t doing so great, and the person I loved was in another country.

I fell into this deep, lonely depression. I remember feeling this complete lack of joy and struggling to get out of bed. I was wasting away in my dorm room, sometimes skipping classes. I had a tv and an xbox set up in my dorm. I also had my computer. So, naturally, I started to drift back into the things that comforted me. Like video games, anime and art. I didn’t have much drive, but slowly I started to engage with those things again while keeping my GPA afloat, for the sake of staying in school. Staying in university was incredibly important to me, even if it was out of spite more than anything.

I took a course about medieval town life and I loved it. I was inspired by the things I learned, and I liked to imagine a distant time, away from everything. Something about history took me out of my problems and I started exclusively taking history, art and classics courses. I learned how to be a historian, while romanticizing these periods. (I’m aware that romanticizing history is not good practice in my degree, but that’s why I do it in fiction, lol).  An idea started forming in my head, a story. I remember listening to Desert Rose by Sting (lol) and imagining this fantasy realm. I sketched all night. I wasn’t pleased with how rusty my skills were, but I persisted. Music has always helped me envision things. 

My husband (boyfriend at the time) proposed that we both create some original characters and develop a little thing. It was innocuous, but fun. We kept building on the idea of creating a unique, historical fantasy world where we could escape. I found myself creating characters that I wanted to see in media, that I didn’t often see. Storylines that were fresh, or new. Particularly stories about female characters. It was so fun to draw and write. The more we envisioned these characters, the more we created. It branched from simple sketches to entire fictional countries, cultures and religions.

I used the fictional space to explore concepts, and vent emotions. It was a good way for the both of us to process our feelings about the world, and society while escaping it. Realm of Itria was born and it became my fixation and my favorite thing to write between classes, and painful moments. I relied heavily on it to get by, through the hardships of my degree. And I’m not talking about just academics. I was in financial ruin, and my parents got divorced in the worst way possible. It was a nightmare.

Again, I struggled with ROI. I reached a point where I loved it so much that I wanted to publish it, but I was once more faced with the inability to refine my direction. I didn’t know what to do with it. I struggled frequently with perfectionism and unrealistic expectations. Always fighting my worth, and myself. I would restart, try harder and always reach these points where I would stop. ROI never came to light because I would get so far, get discouraged and then give up. I’d often convince myself no one would care about it, and that it wasn’t a priority.

After I graduated with my degree in 2016, I took a long hiatus and did other things with my life. I got married, moved far away and had many adventures. I joined the workforce and experienced actually being an adult. I learned that it wasn’t about getting a high salary or paying bills. It was about being true to myself. I realized that I had no expiration date for my interests. I think I needed that time away to understand what I wanted in life, and what was important to me. As much as I loved school at the end of it, the amount of work that was constantly thrown at me kept me from catching my breath. I do not regret those years abroad, doing whatever and learning how to enjoy life, and be myself.

Late 2020, realizing my mortality with the ever sobering reality of the pandemic, I revived the project with a great devotion. Once again, I returned to it during a difficult time. I’m older now and I know who I am. Despite every obstacle I’ve faced, I’ve always found time to create. It is a deep passion of mine, and I need to honor that. I know now that it’s okay to enjoy these things and be an adult. Now, I want to incorporate every creative talent I have doing this. Don’t get me wrong, shadows of perfectionism and previous self doubt sometimes haunt me. But I always remind myself that at the end of the day, I want this published and completed. Even if it’s just for myself, and my husband. I don’t want to die with this story. I’d like to leave it behind, as a legacy. I suppose. It’s important to me. 

Realm of Itria has been there for me during my lowest times, and it is a charming world that touches on a lot of things I have dealt with in life. Realm of Itria is about young adults making their own decisions, and standing up to forces greater than them. It’s about morality, loss and blood ties. About ethics, taking charge of your own fate and the capability everyone has to do good, or harm. 

It reflects my own coming of age and coming to terms with being an adult. Shadows of truths, and fantastical lies my imagination came up with. Not all of it is a direct reflection. Rather, aspects with things. Half truths, and I love the ambiguity of venting it without totally revealing what is and isn’t fiction. I don’t think I could ever completely I love it, and I love the characters. I want to share their stories. In a sense, they are alive to me. I cherish them deeply.  I think their stories can help others, and maybe be an escape for them too.