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"Be careful who you trust, the devil was once an angle."

My friend's inspirational quote in her wallet

Host at a party: Time to get the straws out! *pulls out pack of plastic straws* Oops, we're not using those! Save the turtles everyone! ;)

Me to my mom: B-but she had to buy them-

My mom: I know sweetheart just calm down

Me, holding a picture of Tuck the turtle: She doesn't deserve that hydroflask.

Tuck is a real turtle! Well, sort of

HE'S REAL TO ME

#wonderpets #turtles #straws #nature #savetheturtles #plasticstraws

flavorfulevening

Me, reading a fanfic: This masterpiece has great plot development, character arcs, and superb writing! I can't wait to finish-

Me: ... I said I can't w-

Me: ...I -

Me: ...

Friend: Yeah, Aaron was my only friend, so I used to hang out with him a lot.

Me, distractedly: So basically, you used to cling to him like how a newborn infant clings to a mother's breast?

Friend: ...

Me: ...

Friend: Why are you allowed words

#boobs #class #nocontext #real #reallyhappened #funny #school #joke

•18+ Adults Only

Watch Anya Live on Cam

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.

✓ Live Streaming✓ Interactive Chat✓ Private Shows✓ HD Quality✓ Free Actions

Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming

During class, friend: Hey can I look at your notes?

Me, ears clogged as hell: No, I don't have any nuts. I'm allergic.

Friend: No, your N O T E S.

Me: I'm A L L E R G I C

Friend, frustrated: Forget about it!

Me, panicking: I CAN'T IT'S AN ALLERGY

Extra:

Friend, after figuring out the misunderstanding: Are you actually allergic?

Me: No, I was just scared when you talked to me out of nowhere.

#school #class #friends #misunderstandings #joke #reallyhappened #real #pain #anxiety

Friend: so, yeah, my grandparents are like really old

Me: oh so like 80?

Friend: no they're dead

Me: PFFF-

#class #funny #real #reallyhappened #oldpeople #school

Frickity frack, clickity clack, come on mom give me some crack.

Me, at 5am this morning

#crack #joke #rhyme #poetry #mom #shewontgivemedinnernow

Me standing on a stage:

Is a marshmallow full of ice cream just American mochi?

*pulls out thick ass binder*

Welcome to my TED talk.

#TED #help #pls help #ice cream #food #mochi #american #funny

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