• Blur Realities Line •

Now my other friend whom I've known from high school is anything but happy. She’s turned into a damn right miserable person, sometimes to me but more often just in general. I know it’s because she lets her sibs run all over her over and over again. Which is her fault, I’ve given her advice she never takes it and just lets the cycle happen again and again. So I feel sorry for her that her sibs treat her like shit but then I don’t because she lets them treat her like shit. I try and be supportive when she bitches about it but tbh I'm tired of hearing the same damn thing over and over again. At this point I simply tolerate it because she’s my friend. Which at times I wonder why we are, we don’t have much in common and we really don’t hang out much anymore because she never likes to leave her house. 

Distances. Shortness of reply. Feels like less interest. But I can’t just outright ask because I’ll seem nuts. I dont know. So imma have to suffer this alone like I always do. Works sorta busy so hopefully that keeps my mind busy enough it won’t linger on these sad and negitive thoughts.

It was nice while it lasted. And now I’m home. The house is quiet and my head is sending me negative messages. Stupid imagery that upsets me. And I worry because I don’t know the reasons behind why it’s so quiet. Logically my mind is trying to reason with me. It’s battling the illogical thoughts and part of me should just go to bed so the battle can be done.

I enjoy talking and texting with her about her coming tho. Like talking about what we might do, where we might go, stuff like that. I want nothing more than for her to come this year but I'm not sure I have enough vaca time for that. And I've been ignoring the fact that I should tell her thing. I’m worried that in a year maybe we won't be at this same place... because you can never know what might happen in a year, that’s a long time. I want her to come but I also don’t want to have to be working the whole time she’s here. 

So far this summer I’ve failed to do anything that I wanted to do by now. One is going to the beach and I've yet to go. Not because I don’t have time, fuck I’ve been doing nothing on my days off. But I just can’t seem to get my ass up to do it. Which is disappointing but I’m use to me making goals and breaking them. Just like my exercise, I've not done that in over a month which is horrible because I was doing so well. However, the only plus to this is that I’m still loosing weight because I'm still eating less and not all the bad shit I use too. Still I'm not sure how I'm going to motivate me to get back on the wagon ya know. 

Anyway the whole 4 and a half hour convo was interesting and not as terrifying as I’d thought it’d be. However I had to get up early to do adult things and didn’t get but maybe three hours sleep. So I’m at work about dead to the world. But it was worth it I think. Lol. I think it def. sparked new life into our friendship.

It’s always nice to put a voice to a picture. Makes things a bit more personal and just makes things more real so to speak. Anyway overall it was a good experience even if I’m paying for it now.

However, as it gets later in the day I’m finding that my brain is trying to deceive me by planting negitivity. Just a whisper of doubt. A friend hasn’t texted almost all day today. Which my rational brain understands. They have a life a job and adult responsibilities. Not only that but they have the right to take time away and time for themselves. I understand this.

But the other side of my brain begins to tell me that they don’t want to talk to me anymore. That they are going to just disappear. That I’m overwhelming them and they just can’t take my shit a min longer. I’m not sure if this is my depression or my fear of abandonment. Which apparently my friend says stems from a trama in my childhood that I don’t recall or refuse to acknowledge. Either way it’s a battle sometimes, having my head saying one thing and me telling it something else.

I understand that I can’t keep people forever but most leave without word or reason. That alone is a huge fear of mine...not knowing why. Which I know they don’t owe me and that if someone leaves rationally it would be they have their own issues and it is in no way my fault. But not knowing kills me.

  Someone please save me from myself. 

     Pull me from this prison in my mind. 

         Take away the pain that rests inside.