Before the Fall

Art Credit: STARember

I wrote this fic detailing HuaLian’s reunion at the end of the novel after being separated for a year (when Hua Cheng died for the third time).

I wrote this because, once I put down the book, there were some things I greedily wanted more of. I wanted to hear more of Hua Cheng's perspective, especially on one of the main themes: whether or not it is worth it (when people and the world are so cruel) to try and be good.

Also I wanted more smut. 😉

Here's a snippet!

The two kiss like men starved—lips sliding frantically against one another, all pained longing of the last year seeming to explode into this one singular moment—one desperate attempt to be as close as possible. Hua Cheng can’t seem to think, sensing nothing but lips, his lips, moving urgently against him. It makes his chest ache in a way he’s never known, and he grabs at his waist, pulling him tighter, the warmth of his body now pressed against the full length of him.

The feeling sends a jolt through him. It’s… too much.

Realization hits. Abruptly, he pulls himself back.  

“Gege,” Hua Cheng says gently, though he realizes his voice is rather hoarse. “Not like this.”

“What would he think of me? It’s the question that’s been playing on repeat, plaguing him for the past week—like a ghost who’s found his weakness, refusing to let him go."

Ruan Nanzhu must come to terms with the fact that he’s not who he thought he was, and face Lin Qiushi when he inevitably finds out. A deleted scene of sorts at the end of the novel.

I had fun writing this, since I just love Ruan Nanzhu ❤

Read on Ao3:

Art Credit: STARember

I just posted Chapter 3 of my Hualian fic detailing their reunion at the end of the novel! I am very excited, and to celebrate, I made a Xie Lian hat for my dog out of toothpicks!

LOL... sigh 🤦‍♀️ Okay, so originally it was supposed to be a necklace? But then it was way too big, so it became a dog hat... Anyways, I promise that my writing is much better than my crafting, so I hope you read! Here's a snippet:

He searches his face—the soft, princely countenance, the warm, tender eyes. It’s the face that has been with him all along, keeping him company as he passed in and out of existence, like a far off vision that changes depending on the light.

And now, he is really here. 

He feels himself take a step forward.

The movement seems to shake Xie Lian out of his trance, and he quickly jolts to his feet, scrambling down from the cart. Hua Cheng takes another step, and then another, realizing too late that he is running, sprinting down toward him. But he sees Xie Lian is running too, and suddenly he has folded him in his arms, pressing him tightly against his chest. Slowly, he reaches up, cradling the soft contour of the back of his head. “Gege,” he whispers.

Art Credit: STARember

I wrote this fic detailing HuaLian’s smutty reunion at the end of the novel after being separated for a year (when Hua Cheng died for the third time). I promise smut, a hint of angst, and plenty of feels! :D

Here's a snippet:

The two kiss like men starved—lips sliding frantically against one another, all pained longing of the last year seeming to explode into this one singular moment—one desperate attempt to be as close as possible. Hua Cheng can’t seem to think, sensing nothing but lips, his lips, moving urgently against him. It makes his chest ache in a way he’s never known, and he grabs at his waist, pulling him tighter, the warmth of his body now pressed against the full length of him.

The feeling sends a jolt through him. It’s… too much.

Realization hits. Abruptly, he pulls himself back.  

“Gege,” Hua Cheng says gently, though he realizes his voice is rather hoarse. “Not like this.”

I wrote this fic detailing HuaLian’s smutty reunion at the end of the novel after being separated for a year (when Hua Cheng died for the third time). I wanted more details, and also wanted to show more of the world through Hua Cheng’s eyes, including what he believes and how he got there. (In other words, there will be smut, a hint of angst, and plenty of feels :D ).

Starts when Hua Cheng returns and is lighting lanterns on top of Mount Taicang. Here's a snippet:

He searches his face—the soft, princely countenance, the warm, tender eyes. It’s the face that has been with him all along, keeping him company as he passed in and out of existence, like a far off vision that changes depending on the light.

And now, he is really here. 

He feels himself take a step forward.

The movement seems to shake Xie Lian out of his trance, and he quickly jolts to his feet, scrambling down from the cart. Hua Cheng takes another step, and then another, realizing too late that he is running, sprinting down toward him. But he sees Xie Lian is running too, and suddenly he has folded him in his arms, pressing him tightly against his chest. Slowly, he reaches up, cradling the soft contour of the back of his head. “Gege,” he whispers.

Read on AO3:

So next year's COP (UN Climate Change Conference) will be led by Mukhtar Babayev, who spent 26 years working for Azerbaijan's state oil company. Last year, it was headed by Sultan Al Jaber, chief executive of the Abu Dhabi National Oil Company.

It’s like if all the different clans got together to fight the Wen clan, but they needed a good leader- someone strong who can command allegiance. How about…. Wen Chao! Ah yes, Wen Chao. Great idea. Even though he is largely responsible for the problem we are trying to solve, even though his organization has caused most of the suffering and destruction we are trying to alleviate, even though his interests are completely opposed to everything we are trying to do, he can be unbiased, surely!

He definitely won't undermine our efforts to work against his own people!

Ughh....

Anyways, sorry for the random analogy but talking about climate change is hard, but talking about MDZS is fun! So I thought I would try to combine them to make it go down easier. Sometimes I need a little BL with my apocalypse, ya know?

Also, this is just the sort of societal hypocrisy WWX would have fought against. When it comes to climate, I think we should too.

Well, I finished Tian Guan Ci Fu. And, oh man, if you read my last post, you’ll know that I was terrified that the entire novel would be a criticism of blind idealism. But I am SO glad I was wrong!!! Looking back on what I wrote before… it’s kind of hilarious how worried I was. I was so sure that I knew where it was going, was so busy preparing myself to be offended/emotionally crushed, that I wouldn’t even entertain the idea that maybe MXTX had a similar worldview to me all along.

In my defense, aside from the line, “Something like saving the common people… although foolish, it is brave,” everything seemed to point toward the idea that trying to do good is pointless. I mean, up until the moment when Xie Lian was lying with a sword in his chest on the streets of Yong’an, all of his efforts to do good had essentially been in vain. He hadn’t been able to help anyone.

And then, when the one guy stopped and gave Xie Lian his hat, I dunno, I just cried. It was so perfect! Like, ugh, damn you, MXTX! So sneaky… destroying us, just to bring us back later!! It was such a small, insignificant win, but it was exactly what Xie Lian (and I) needed. I love the line, “Just one person was enough!” Just one person doing something selfless. It’s enough to give us hope.   

It really resonates with me because I think a lot about how to maintain hope. In terms of the climate crisis, I feel like Xie Lian—completely powerless. I want to stop eating meat, use less plastic, spend more time on environmental activism, but honestly, what do any of these things matter? The meat industry is not going to change because I choose to stop consuming. Even my activism has a completely negligible effect—whether or not I join a protest or write a letter to my congressman will almost certainly not be the deciding factor for any climate legislation, no matter how much effort I put in.  

And yet, I still want to. I love the moment when Xie Lian chooses to get stabbed over and over rather than create a second plague of Human Face Disease, and White No-Face asks him in shock, “Why??”—as in, why would you ever do that? And Xie Lian responds: “I don’t have a reason—just because I want to! Even if I explained it to you… Useless trash like you wouldn’t understand.” This line is so great. Xie Lian can’t explain it to White No-Face, because, in truth, it isn’t entirely logical. It can’t be explained by reason. I want to do my measly, unimportant part to help the world… because I want to. Because it feels right. Because it’s my way of keeping my heart, of maintaining faith that there is some good in this world worth upholding. (As an aside, I love how the English title of the live action drama—which we may never get to see, God damn censorship!!!!—is called “Eternal Faith.” Of course it refers to Hua Cheng and Xie Lian’s faith in each other, but I think it also means having eternal faith in the value of doing good, despite centuries of experience that seem to show its pointlessness.)

As I talked about in my last post, if you zoom out far enough, nothing really seems to matter. Everything we love and care about will one day be gone. And yet, I believe we still have to act like it matters. This is the basic tenant of existentialism, and I think MXTX portrays this philosophical paradox really beautifully.

It’s funny, because I think MXTX has a lot of profound things to say, but in an interview I read, she warned against viewing her work too deeply, saying, “I am not a guru.” I get that she may not want the responsibility of giving people spiritual advice, but I do think she presents some really fascinating, really novel, philosophical ideas. So, sorry MXTX, but I’m about to analyze TGCF like it’s a piece of freakin scripture. Soo here we go…

The main theme she comes back to again and again is that fortune is limited, so the only way you can do good for others is by taking fortune from somebody else. Which leads the characters to a bunch of ethically impossible choices: the people of Yong’an and the people of Xianle can’t all be saved (Xie Lian must choose who to help), neither can the people of Wuyong and the surrounding kingdoms (Prince of Wuyong must choose), and Shi Wudu can’t save his brother from a tragic fate without taking fortune from an innocent person. When the characters try to avoid choosing, and try to “play God” by creating a “third path,” it just invites disaster.

But is this really true? Is fortune actually limited? It’s an idea that reminds me of Buddhism and Daoism, but also seems kind of revolutionary… (I like to think I know something about Chinese philosophy but it could certainly be a thing and I don’t know). I don’t believe in fate, but I do believe in limited resources, and the idea that nature tends toward balance. I think conceiving of it this way, as a pool of fortune, is really interesting.   

It reminds me of this Meme:

In other words, who is the protagonist and who is the villain is entirely based on perspective. And, according to the laws of nature, we all must survive by eating others, or causing others to starve (i.e. avoiding being eaten).

I tried to think if this is really true in all areas of life. I’m a teacher, and one of the ways I convince myself that I am doing good in the world is by helping my students—preparing them well for college so that they can get into good schools and follow their dreams. But then, is this just taking fortune from others? If I do prepare my students well, and as a result they all get into top universities, does that mean they are taking spots away from other students? Am I simply just helping “my own,” at the expense of others?

One place where I see this concept play out very clearly is with our modern, industrialized society. As I mentioned in my last post, we live in a world of abundance. Most of us have enough food to eat, live in houses with electricity and running water, and don’t worry about a whole host of diseases endured by our ancestors. It seems we have done what Xie Lian couldn’t—we have expanded the well of fortune for most of humanity.

But this fortune wasn’t spontaneously created. It was taken from other species. It was borrowed against our own future, when climate change will likely destroy this world of abundance we have created, causing untold suffering. In truth, when it comes to prosperity, there is no such thing as a free lunch.   

Even now, when we ought to be enjoying our fortune, most of us are not happy. We want other things. We take food, clothing, and shelter for granted, creating even bigger, more lofty demands—a bigger car, a better house, a machine that’s sole purpose is to make bread. In fact, it seems like whenever we make things “better,” the goalposts just move. I recently read a book called Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals, which mentioned that with the advent of washing machines and vacuum cleaners, everyone assumed there would be more free time. Yet, the real outcome was that standards of cleanliness just changed. Suddenly, people expected you to wear fresh clothes every day and have a perfectly dust-free home, which meant spending just as much time cleaning as in the past.     

And according to psychologists, getting what we want doesn’t really make us happier. Instead, something like getting a promotion causes our happiness to spike, before it quickly returns to baseline. The psychologist Dan Gilbert writes that the purpose of our emotions is to act like a compass—to tell us which direction to go in. If you feel good, you can continue the way you are going. If you feel bad, you should probably turn—make a change. But if you get what you want and become permanently happy, your compass is now broken. It’s stuck in one direction and becomes useless.

All of this is very Buddhist, of course. Suffering is not caused by our external circumstances, but our desire to change them.

Like I said, I don’t necessarily believe in “fate” or “fortune.” But I believe this all points to something deeper that MXTX is getting at: which is that we cannot fundamentally make a better world, for the common people, or for anyone. This idea of “better” doesn’t really exist. The world is as it is. Trying to alter that is like playing God. And like Xie Lian says, “In this world, there are no true gods…”  

So, what do we do? How can we survive this absurdist tragedy of life? I don’t think we can just throw up our hands and not give a shit—that way lies depression and Jun Wu-style cruelty. We cannot lose our heart. But we also can’t try to fix everything.

One thing I find a bit difficult about MXTX is she is very clear about the impossible situations our characters find themselves in, but not really clear about the solution. She seems critical of the characters’ actions (I’m thinking also of Wei Wuxian here), but what exactly does she think they should have done? In other words, what is the point?

I spent a long time thinking about this. And I realized that Xie Lian was able to get back on his feet, find happiness and make peace with himself. How did he do this? Ultimately, I see Xie Lian’s solution as having three parts: self-sacrifice, gratitude, and purpose. Which all sounds very academic and maybe not that profound on an emotional level. But hear me out. Because, in the end, I think these choices are incredibly beautiful. They are the kind of thing that make me feel like reading TGCF was actually a spiritual experience, no matter what MXTX says. That makes me admire Xie Lian and want to follow him (like the God he is).

Okay so first: self-sacrifice. If fortune is limited, and the only way to make others’ lives better is to take fortune from someplace else, then there is really only one place you can take it from without hurting others—yourself.

So, part of Xie Lian’s solution is to take fortune from himself and give it to others. It’s why he asks for a cursed shackle that disperses his fortune, so that his fortune will naturally flow to those around him. It’s, of course, a very small thing. He is no longer playing God, or trying to “fix” the world on a grand scale. He is simply, in his own, quiet way, serving the common people.

My desire to give up meat and to spend more time on activism—these things feel like big sacrifices for me. And yet, they will have a very small impact on the greater situation in the world. They’re a drop in the ocean. I still want to do it, but it’s hard. It’s hard to care, or think that these things matter. Yet, this is the trade-off Xie Lian was willing to make. I really admire him for it.   

I believe self-sacrifice is actually a really important, beautiful thing, that our society has forgotten the value of. We are individualistic—obsessed with our own wants. As I mentioned previously, our expectations have risen, so we buy and buy and buy. We are unwilling to rein in our consumption. I know a lot of people baulk at lifestyle changes as a solution to the climate crisis, and I agree that putting pressure on individuals instead of governments or corporations is misguided. But, first of all, there simply aren’t enough resources on earth to sustain our current levels of consumption. And, second… I don’t think we can completely let individuals off the hook. What is society anyway, but a collection of individuals? If we are going to address this thing, it’s going to take a massive movement—bigger than the civil rights movement or the works’ rights movement or the women’s movement. It’s going to take millions of people worldwide getting out of their own heads, their own lives, and concerning themselves with the greater good. That requires immense sacrifice.

Which takes me to gratitude. In order to be willing to sacrifice, you have to appreciate what you already have.

People often talk about gratitude these days as a path to mental health. Instinctively, it sounds like an uplifting, positive thing. And it is… but it also entails having a relatively negative worldview. It means remembering all the horrible things that exist in this world which we are lucky enough to avoid on a daily basis. You stepped in some dog shit? Well, that sucks, but you could have stepped into an open manhole and broken your neck! So! That’s something to be grateful for.  

We are all so lucky. I’m sure everyone reading this has pains and traumas and challenges. This isn’t to diminish those, but, I hope, at least we all have at least one person to love. That’s all Hua Cheng had, and it’s what kept him going. Just one person was enough. And most of us, I hope, get to eat food every day, get to sleep in a bed, get to play video games or read novels or write poetry when we are sad. Not everyone gets those things.  

Xie Lian, of course, was the king of low expectations, because he knew his future was going to be bad. He had intentionally accepted bad luck for a lifetime. So, there was no point in hoping for things to get better.

I think this attitude is best shown by his interaction with the Venerable of Empty words. The Venerable of Empty Words feeds off people’s fears. But Xie Lian didn’t really have any. When the Venerable of Empty Words warned him that his hut will collapse in two months, his response is, “Two months? If it’s still standing in seven days, then it’ll be a real miracle.” Because his expectations are so low, he’s essentially immune to fear. I can’t help but think that if you could really think this way, it would be a kind of superpower. It reminds me of the famous quote by spiritual teacher Krishnamurti, “Do you know what my secret is? You see, I don’t mind what happens.”

And so Xie Lian is okay with everything. He can sleep anywhere, crash boulders on his chest for money, not eat for three days, regularly suffer corpse poisoning, and still be okay.

Which leads to my third point: purpose. Xie Lian is able to endure such hardship because his expectations are low, but also he knows all his suffering has a purpose. “If I am to become a God of misfortune, then so be it,” he says. “As long as I know deep down that I am not.” He is okay with being laughed at or avoided for his bad luck, because deep down he knows he is doing the right thing. People can withstand a great deal if they feel their suffering has meaning. In Man’s Search for Meaning, the psychiatrist Victor Frankl’s writes about the horrors of living through a concentration camp, and how over and over, it was creating purpose that allowed him, and others, to find motivation to survive. Which I think has an important lesson for self-sacrifice. People are willing to sacrifice a lot, if they feel their sacrifice has purpose.

I get it when MXTX says that she is not a guru, and maybe it’s a lot to ask of a danmei novel to take spiritual advice from it. The book wasn’t necessarily perfect, and I do have some critiques (which I was gonna add here, but this thing is already wayyy too long). But… I do think I found something really meaningful in this story—some inspiration. I want to follow Xie Lian’s example, and live with gratitude and acceptance, while keeping my faith in doing the right thing. In other words, WWXLD! (What Would Xie Lian Do?)

I’m in the middle of Book 3 of Tian Guan Ci Fu, and it is legit making me depressed. Like really, unnecessarily sad. I know I should probably wait until the end to write up my thoughts since I don’t know how things will ultimately turn out, but I feel like I need to process. And so, here we go…

First of all, I am sooo Xie Lian. I feel like this story gets me down so much because it hits too close to home. When I was little, I was super idealistic—I used to go around telling people that love was the most important thing in the world, and that civilization was wrong, because we were destroying the environment, and so we should all go back to living in harmony with nature. I was like a crazy, radical five year old, but also somehow mature-sounding and nauseatingly sweet. Grownups loved me and assumed I would grow up to do something big. But… I haven’t really. Instead I am just a normal person and realized that the world is actually super complicated—like I said, sooo Xie Lian. Except I never became a god or saved even one person…    

Anyways, it’s not like I disagree with MXTX’s criticism of blind idealism. She hit the nail on the head—crushingly well. But I guess, like Xie Lian, I am still clinging to that last bit of hope I haven’t let go of yet.

In TGCF and Mo Dao Zu Shi, things are never black and white, and she criticizes those characters who act with a blind sense of righteousness. She believes in nuance. And yet, in our current moment, we are headed toward a climate catastrophe, and it feels like we are all just sitting back, trying to carefully weigh the ideal course of action—the pros and cons, scared of being too rash, too impulsive—while the world burns.

When I first started watching the Untamed (which is where my MXTX journey started), I was initially drawn in by this extremely beautiful man who was willing to sacrifice so much to do what was right. I loved how he refused to compromise with this screwed up society. Because, I am so frustrated with myself for always compromising. For being part of this system that’s horrible and destroying the world and personally doing very little to stop it. And I wanted to be inspired—and for a minute I was by Wei Wuxian.  

And then, of course, it turns out that the real message was the complete opposite of that, and having dogmatic, uncompromising morals is not something to be applauded. In the eyes of MXTX, it’s very dangerous.

And I mean, she’s not wrong. But I can’t help but think maybe we still need heroes like that. I really admire Greta Thunberg who refuses to fly in planes, buy anything new, doesn’t eat meat. Before anyone joined her protests, she was ditching school every day, literally sitting all by herself in front of Swedish parliament with one pathetic-looking sign. I mean that kind of commitment takes HUGE resolve. It has to come from a total sense of self-righteousness, from a complete unwillingness to compromise or back down—a refusal to listen to her parents, or her teachers, or the large numbers of people around her who were definitely telling her she was nuts. I mean, I try to go veg, and my mother-in-law hands me one homemade meat dish and I instantly fold…

In interviews, Greta often talks about how being on the autism spectrum causes her to view the world in very black and white terms—with good and evil being clearly defined. She often refers to the older generation as “evil” for their role in the climate crisis—a word MXTX would probably not approve of. Normally, I don’t think black and white thinking is good. I also believe in nuance. But when it comes to something like climate, it’s incredibly complicated but also incredibly simple. We have to stop burning fossil fuels. We have to do it now. If we want humanity to survive, we don’t have a choice. We gotta pull out all the stops. We can’t hesitate. And if we do, we’ll lose everything. Any drawbacks that may come from us not using fossil fuels are completely outweighed if the climate goes to shit. There’s no real nuance in that. And to get people to make that sort of change, you need passion. You need motivation. You need feeling. Basically, you need blind idealism. We are soooo screwed, and really, blind idealism is all we have left.     

And I want to have that. Part of me wants to get back to that idealism I lost. But like Xie Lian, I don’t know how…

I dunno. There are always reasons not to do anything. Most of us know life is complicated—our limitations are usually way too obvious. But, I think, sometimes we still should take the single log bridge into darkness. And maybe we need some dumb, cliché hero story to give us the motivation to do it…

Of course, saving the world is not easy. Especially when it comes to large scale national or international politics, the situation in Xianle demonstrates very clearly how easy it is to create unintended consequences. Everything is so complex. There are so many factors, so many competing interests to consider. I do not envy political leaders.

But most of us are not political leaders. Most of us are just ordinary people who want to make the world a little better. We have the capacity to be activists, but that’s it. We don’t have the power to make detailed policy decisions anyway. And so, to some extent, I don’t think we need to worry so much about all that. We just have to push politicians in the right direction.

Even at that high leadership level, though, I do think it’s possible to make better choices—ones that create less harm. And I do think we have an obligation to try and find those. I don’t agree with what the State Preceptor said (and what I think MXTX actually believes), that “Assigning fault is meaningless.” To me, that’s akin to giving up on morality altogether.

A lot of this is a matter of perspective. Yes, if you zoom out far enough, assigning fault is meaningless. But then, if you zoom out far enough, everything is meaningless. Everything we love and care about will one day be gone. Our battles for justice, for equality, for the people we love, will all be entirely pointless once our current society goes the way of the Aztecs, once humanity disappears, once the earth gets swallowed by the sun.

Again, if we zoom far enough out, climate change is not really a problem. According to that wise state preceptor, “In this world, fortune—good or bad—is predetermined.” MXTX believes there is only so much good fortune in the world. If we somehow manage to take too much of it, we will eventually pay the price. Balance will be restored.  

Which is exactly what is happening in this era of climate catastrophe. In the past 200 years since the industrial revolution, humanity has taken a lot of fortune. For the first time in history, we don’t worry every day about finding food. We’ve conquered a whole host of deadly diseases, have greatly reduced our need for manual labor, and can spend our days in mental pursuits, making art, or writing self-indulgent essays about Chinese web novels.

All of this, I would argue, is not really because of human ingenuity, but because we happened to find an incredibly powerful energy source—fossil fuels—which have given us the illusion of “human progress.” Let’s remember that this “progress” has only lasted for about 200 years, a small dot on the graph of human existence (300,000 years), and that for most of that time, people viewed history as a cycle, with inevitable ups and downs, rather than a continuous march upward.

In other words, in the past 200 years, we’ve taken too much fortune. But nature will correct the balance. I don’t think climate change will destroy life on earth. Even if the worst happens and humanity bites the dust, other species will most likely persist, evolving into creatures completely new—a rebirth, of sorts. Looking at it from that far-off, disinterested perspective, it’s not really a problem. It’s just what nature does. New species follow each other, one after the next—like passing seasons.

But, even if all this is true, I don’t think we can be so detached. I don’t think we can live our lives believing that morality is pointless, not trying to do the right thing, or not worrying about how our actions affect others. If we approach life with such indifference, what’s to stop us from completely giving up?

One of my favorite TV shows is this old drama called Dead Like Me, where a wise, older character (a state preceptor, of sorts), says to the main character, “If you stand too close to a painting — all you see are patches of color, if you stand too far back, you can't see any of the detail.” In other words, when it comes to life, you need to stand the right distance away. Personally, I think MXTX is standing too far back. It’s true, there is so much we can’t control. Though we may be able to make things better for a bit, we cannot alter the basic cycle of life. Life is suffering. It was true when Buddha said it, and it’s true now. And if we try to “attempt the impossible,” as the Jiang motto says, and radically change that dynamic, we will fail.

But unlike in MXTX’s universe, fate doesn’t really screw us at every turn. Every day there are small victories. I used to do social work, which really was an exercise in the futility of trying to fix deeply rooted problems with insufficient tools, but I still remember those few times when I did do something right: the old man with dementia I got to take his meds, the guy who found his family on Facebook.

Even just writing a stupid email to Biden telling him to stop the drilling… we have to value those actions. We have to be invested. Sure, the universe doesn’t care. But I think we should still care. We can’t just throw up our hands and say the world is fucked. Because if everyone did that, the world really would be fucked. Even more so than it already is.  

Again, I realize I don’t entirely know where she’s going with all this. It’s very possible there’s going to be more to it than just criticizing idealism. Despite all the depressing stuff, I see crumbs of hope in how Hua Cheng loves Xie Lian, and values his attempts to help others. The line, “Although foolish, it is brave,” just floored me. I loved it so much. Honestly, I’d probably be happy if she leaves open any hope for idealism at all.   

But also, I have to prepare myself for the possibility that I will not totally agree with what she has to say. Which should be fine. I mean, in real life, I’m pretty good at interacting with people I fundamentally disagree with. But… in the hands of an author like MXTX, I feel like my emotions are like putty. I’m completely at her mercy. And partially, I don’t want to fight that. I want to give myself to the story, and lose myself in it completely. That’s a great feeling, but also, kind of… vulnerable? And then, when so emotionally invested, to suddenly realize that what the author’s saying bothers me…

Of course, I’ll get over it. I always do. Usually I write meta or fanfic as a way to process—to get out of someone else’s story, out of their head, and back into my own.

Anyways, we’ll see. Don’t tell me what happens!! I am trusting YOU, strangers on the internet!

OMG!!! My first longfic is finally finished!! Thank you to everyone who beta-ed and helped me get here... This story is my baby, and it's finally able to enter the world in its completed form!!! I'm so excited and I couldn't have done it alone. ❤❤❤

This is the story of why Lucifer began a rebellion and fought for freedom! i.e. prompts 1 and 31 of #Lucitober2023!

Read on AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/45199681/chapters/129028849

A prequel to the canon. A story of young love, teenage rebellion, and a fledgling angel trying to define himself in the shadow of his father. OR: Why did Lucifer start a revolt in the first place?

Snippet:

“She was wholly, utterly, unavailable to him. To touch her would mean to lose everything—his status, title, maybe even his family. For once he had to control his desire, and it only made him want her more. He watched with desperate agony as she moved under the water. . . He wasn’t even supposed to be in the garden.”

Ever wonder why Lucifer staged a rebellion in the first place? Find out in Forbidden Fruit! Chapter 16 now posted

A prequel to the canon. A story of young love, teenage rebellion, and a fledgling angel trying to define himself in the shadow of his father. OR: Why did Lucifer start a revolt in the first place?

Read on AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/45199681/chapters/127920559

Snippet:

“She was wholly, utterly, unavailable to him. To touch her would mean to lose everything—his status, title, maybe even his family. For once he had to control his desire, and it only made him want her more. He watched with desperate agony as she moved under the water. . . He wasn’t even supposed to be in the garden.”

Blaze

A prequel to the canon. A story of young love, teenage rebellion, and a fledgling angel trying to define himself in the shadow of his father. OR: Why did Lucifer start a revolt in the first place?

Read on AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/45199681/chapters/124119502

Snippet:

“She was wholly, utterly, unavailable to him. To touch her would mean to lose everything—his status, title, maybe even his family. For once he had to control his desire, and it only made him want her more. He watched with desperate agony as she moved under the water. . . He wasn’t even supposed to be in the garden.”

A prequel to the canon. A story of young love, teenage rebellion, and a fledgling angel trying to define himself in the shadow of his father. OR: Why did Lucifer start a revolt in the first place?

Read on AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/45199681/chapters/123668185

Snippet:

“She was wholly, utterly, unavailable to him. To touch her would mean to lose everything—his status, title, maybe even his family. For once he had to control his desire, and it only made him want her more. He watched with desperate agony as she moved under the water. . . He wasn’t even supposed to be in the garden.”

Lucifer stared into them, bright and longing. He didn’t say anything, suddenly finding himself unable to speak, unable to do anything but soak her in. She was looking up at him, the ebony waves framing her face, her eyes a silent question. Abruptly it fell on him: all those months of watching her, desiring her, feeling as though he was being physically pulled into her orbit… they had all come down to this. He swallowed, a bit frightened by the fiery thrill flooding through his chest. Slowly, he hazarded a step toward her. She didn’t move, but remained firmly in place, so close that he could feel her body, giving off heat. His eyes traced her soft cheek, her full, entreating lips. She was so beautiful. So painfully beautiful that it made his whole body ache. How he craved her—wanted to touch her, to envelop her. She was it. His true desire. Without another thought, he reached up and grabbed her shoulders.  

A prequel to the canon. A story of young love, teenage rebellion, and a fledgling angel trying to define himself in the shadow of his father. OR: Why did Lucifer start a revolt in the first place?

Read on AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/45199681/chapters/123208231

FORBIDDEN FRUIT IS BACK!!! CHAPTER 12 NOW POSTED!!!

A prequel to the canon. A story of young love, teenage rebellion, and a fledgling angel trying to define himself in the shadow of his father. OR: Why did Lucifer start a revolt in the first place?

Read on AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/45199681/chapters/122773507

Snippet:

“She was wholly, utterly, unavailable to him. To touch her would mean to lose everything—his status, title, maybe even his family. For once he had to control his desire, and it only made him want her more. He watched with desperate agony as she moved under the water. . . He wasn’t even supposed to be in the garden.”

CHAPTER 11 FORBIDDEN FRUIT NOW POSTED!!!

A prequel to the canon. A story of young love, teenage rebellion, and a fledgling angel trying to define himself in the shadow of his father. OR: Why did Lucifer start a revolt in the first place?

Read on AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/45199681/chapters/120193924#workskin

Snippet:

Finally, she stood up, looking carefully over a handful of mushrooms she’d collected, tossing some back on the ground with disapproval. As she worked, he too jumped over the rock and walked over to her, gazing at her collection with bewilderment. Whatever criteria she was using, he couldn’t understand it. They all looked completely the same to him.

“Here,” she said, finally holding the handful out to him.

As he let them fall into his open palms, Lucifer stared in surprise. Up close he could see that they gave off a slight, blue-green shimmer. They were glowing.

He looked up at Eve. “What… what do I do with these?” he asked.

She laughed. “You eat them, silly.”

He looked back down at them, their greenish hue bouncing off his fingers. He wanted to trust her. But… he turned back to her. There was that gleam in her eye.

“Don’t worry! It’s fun!” she said, cheerily. “I want to see what it’s like for you to do it for the first time. Completely fresh!”

He sighed. He knew how much that meant to her. He didn’t want to disappoint. He picked one out of the bunch, lifting it to his lips.

“But wait for me!” she said, quickly. “I need to get mine…” She knelt down, scanning the forest floor.

Somehow it made him feel a bit better knowing she’d be eating them too.

After a minute or two of scrounging, she stood up. “Okay. You ready?” She smiled at him, then lifted the entire handful up to her lips.

What if Bai Luo Yin had really stood up to Gu Hai after the first kidnapping, redefining their relationship? A fix-it where Gu Hai must face the consequences of his actions.

Gu Hai felt vaguely sick. He reached up as if to hit him.

Bai Luo Yin shifted his gaze. For a moment, Gu Hai thought he saw fear flicker through his eyes. But then, with resolution, he lifted his head again. “Hit me…” he muttered. “Go ahead.”

Gu Hai froze.

“But we are done.”