❛ SWALLOW ME WHOLE.

    ‘ i can not believe that people still listen to panic ! at the disco and fall out boy these days. the bands were popular when i was a black t-shirt wearing teenager who wished that i disobeyed my parents, ‘ molly paused, realizing that perhaps she shouldn’t have been striking up conversations with people at record stores. ‘ – uh sorry. ‘

  “ that was back then, ” shiloh insisted, brushing off the woman’s apology with a tiny smile. “ fall out boy sold out when they saved rock ‘n roll and panic might as well just be called brendon urie: the frank sinatra experience now. totally lost their punk accreditation. consider that a free mentoring lesson from me to you. you're welcome. ”

he stood idly in the corner of the kitchen for a few seconds longer, but as she began to gather the two bottles of water from the fridge, he started heading for the living room. taking a seat on one of the couches, he looked down at his hands, nervously fiddling with his fingers as the inevitable grew closer and closer. this should be a good thing. the conversation was far overdue and it led them to possibly achieving a sense of closure. but that’s one of the things he feared. would this just be another thing for him to walk away from ? were they to officially label themselves as exes and go their separate ways ? he certainly hoped not. because before the relationship and the pile of mess that grew on top of that, he considered her a friend. and a good one at that. pushing the thoughts away, he continued to wait for her to join him.

she grabbed the second bottle at his request and shut the fridge behind her, but lingered behind as xander made his way out of the kitchen. it was only because she didn't want to make her hesitance obvious that the brunette eventually sucked it up and made her way into the living room. placing his bottle on the coffee table in front of the couch, she slid onto the cushion a seat away and turned her body slightly so she could face him. now that there was no way to avoid the topic at hand, shiloh suddenly realized that she was at a loss for words. traces of their encounter at the party and the fear that had left her frozen hadn’t disappeared from her mind quite yet. the only way to get past it was by talking even though she didn't exactly want to admit anything. she watched him for a few moments, trying to direct her feelings into something tangible, but there was only a mix of confusion, slight hurt, but also some warmth. there was only one thing missing, which came to her as a small surprise. she wasn't angry. at least, not anymore. “ you know, i don't hate you. i couldn’t. i don't even dislike you, ” she suddenly confessed, a ghost of a smile passing her lips at how ridiculous it sounded. “ i mean, maybe i did a little after our fight, but i just want you to be okay. you were a huge part of my life and i can't just shut off those feelings, i guess. as for for the breakup if we can call it that -- i'm sorry for the things i said and what i didn't say, but maybe that doesn't even matter, ” she paused, struggling with what she wanted to get across as reminders of their relationship mingled with her mother's words crept into her mind. “ we were probably doomed from the start -- not to sound dramatic. at least, we tried. ” trying to end her her blurb with as much nonchalance and finality as possible, it didn't completely mask the uncertainty she still felt.

on her way to get a coffee after filling out the final release forms, shiloh wasn't exactly watching where she was going. her mind was elsewhere and coupled with exhaustion, her caution was practically nonexistent. it wasn't until she felt someone bump into her that she was forced back into reality. “ oh, i’m so sorry --, ” she began, bending down to pick up a few papers nearby. “ you’re fine. i wasn’t looking either. are you okay ?? ”

it wasn't as if she expected a warm welcome. she didn't expect anything, really. compartmentalization. that was how she dealt with aspects of her past she preferred to forget. or the ones she was supposed to forget. either way, jude was a part of that unwanted past, but even so he had held an important part. that was why she wasn't able to brush off his dismissive behavior, although it shouldn't have mattered. for some reason it did matter, so instead of planning an exit strategy, she stayed put. it could have all came down to guilt, but there was another feeling manifesting in the pit of her stomach as well. either way, the brunette couldn't blame him. she was the one who had used him. brushing her fingers through her hair, tucking a few strands behind her ear -- a nervous tick, she attempted to try again. “ right. so, how are things ? ”

thought after thought raced through xander’s mind, as he stood loitering on shiloh’s front porch. he shoved both hands into his jeans and eyed her front door nervously. he could just as easily get back into his car and drive off to anywhere else. there was a massive party taking place just down the street from his house. he could drown himself in alcohol to the point where he forgot that they even planned to meet up. or he could make up a story and just tell shiloh that something came up and that he’d reschedule the visit for another time. but for some reason, his feet stayed glued to the ground. he was tired. all the passive aggressive comments, avoided eye contact, awkward run-ins and ignoring each other’s very existence in general was starting to get to him. and it only worsened after the incident at winona’s house party. if he were to talk it out with her, really talk it out, maybe that wouldn’t be the case anymore. maybe they could pick up the pieces and actually work towards mending things that were broken. but those were only maybes. he wasn’t at all anticipating this late night visit to go that smoothly. it would be foolish to be that optimistic, given how they currently choose to handle their problems. xander was just hoping to slip in and out of the rourke’s home without adding on to those problems. and he was even more hopeful that this whole encounter could settle the confusing ache he felt regarding their relationship. but if either of them were to walk away from all of this, satisfied with where things stood between them, he would truly be surprised. slowly but surely, he finally made the decision to test the ‘talking’ thing out. slipping a hand out of his pocket, he left three hard knocks on the door and let out a heavy sigh. he waited patiently in the dark, rocking back and forth on his heels, trying to convince himself to stay put. there would be no backing out of this one.  

approaching the door with brief hesitance, there was a part of shiloh hoping it wasn't xander but knew it was futile and her gaze soon fell upon him. she attempted to pull a smile as she immediately stepped aside to allow him through, not wanting to force pleasantries or let the reality of the situation sink in. “ hey. ” the greeting came out a little too softly and she walked ahead, hoping to hide the fact that she was nervous. “ i thought we could talk in the living room if that's okay ? do you want anything to drink ? i was going to grab a water for myself. we have everything, except for alcohol, of course. unfortunate because cece is surprisingly generous with leftover bottles, but tristan is more than pleased to accept them instead, ”  she rambled feeling a touch of embarrasment over the fact that she was, in fact, rambling. pausing to open the fridge to pull out a bottle of water, she took in a breath before glancing over her shoulder. “ speaking of which, cass is passed out upstairs but if she gets up, she’d love to see you. -- so, what will it be ?? ”

placing the drink down and shoving the phone into her bag, she kneeled down beside them. “ are you okay ? i think i might have a bandaid shoved in there somewhere, ” she offered, gesturing toward her bag, before grabbing a few pieces of loose paper surrounding the other. “ what was that about anyway ? ” 

❛ do you think i could pull off a bomber jacket? because i feel like a good jacket would be a worthwhile investment, but i don’t wanna be that guy. ❜

“ yeah, just invest in some white adidas and acrylic nails, so you’ll be a true instagram girl. kidding, but i think you could pull it off. it’ll give off the impression that you’re cooler than you actually are. ”