Bleeding Bones

This next week is going to be a fucking nightmare. There’s a fucking infant in the room next to ours - which my partners parents didn’t tell us was going to be staying - bare in mind I have misophonia and my worst trigger is kids, especially crying infants. I’m also extremely unstable psychologically when it comes to having my home invaded by kids, and until we can afford our own place, their home is the place we have to call home. Today is supposed to be my day off, but fat chance of that since I’ve had fuck all sleep because how the fuck can I sleep when I know that kid could rigger me at any fucking moment? Oh and my next day off? They have their brat of a six year old grand-daughter staying round. So I basically won’t have any break in over a week.

On top of all that, my anti-depressants have stopped working, my joints have been causing me so much trouble over the last week or more that they’re painful and I’m already struggling to sleep because of them, and I had a massive psychological break down resulting in smashing a shower-head into my skull and causing myself to bleed, and I was also sick for an hour. Not that anyone gives a shit right? Nope, because babies are more important. In fact my partners mother was more worried about cleaning blood off a towel than she was concerned about why there was blood on the towel.

I want to fucking kill myself, and the only thing stopping me is the fear of failure. I’ve tried so many times before, and obviously never succeeded. I’ve thought about just walking out into traffic, or overdosing on my anti-depressants. I also worry about being sent to a mental institute. I’ve spent so much of my life locked up already, that would just be fucking unlivable - a sure-fire way to get me to kill myself. I just wish someone fucking cared, but I really don’t think there’s a single person in the entire world that actually understands what I’m going through. Even my own partner refused to touch me when I broke down crying after we found out that the infant would be staying overnight. I wish I could just disappear, I wish I could rewrite time and make this never happen. It was stupid of me to think this relationship could ever fucking work when his family are so child-orientated.