Raven's Bedroom Thoughts

In BDSM there are three separate forms of power exchange. In no particular order:

Sadism & Masochism

Topping & Bottoming

Domination & Submission

Sadism & Masochism is the exchange of power through pain. Spanking, flogging, whipping, caning, CBT, nipple torture, even rough sex. Like feeling a little pain with your pleasure? You’re a masochist. Does making someone hurt bring you pleasure? You’re a sadist. Can you be both? Absolutely. I think most of us are, in subtle ways. (My Domme pointed out it was rather sadistic of me to tease my dog with a treat to make him do cute tricks.)

Topping & Bottoming is the exchange of power through sex. One of you is in control of the situation, whether it’s just for this roll in the hay, or every single time with your partner. That person is topping. The passive, or controlled one is bottoming. So if it’s being held down or tied up during sex, or begging for an orgasm, or edging someone until they cry… that is sexual power exchange. Can you be a top and a bottom? Oh, yes, you can. You can even do it in the same romp, if that’s what works for you and your partner.

Domination & Submission is the exchange of power through emotions and intimacy. D/s (the shorthand for this) is about rules, structure, discipline, and protocol. And that can be as intense as a 24/7 Master/slave relationship, or as simple as calling your husband ‘Sir’ or ‘Daddy’ because he said so. In between is a WORLD of amazing ways to exchange power mentally.

Rules are set in place with a purpose -not just because they’re sexy. Rules are things like: Check in via text when you leave work (so I know you’re on the road and shouldn’t text). Send a photo of your outfit every morning (so I can see how beautiful you look today, and compliment you). Work out four times a week (because I want to help you stay healthy).

Protocols are similar, they are standards of behavior, such as the way you talk to and address your partner, hand them a drink, carry yourself when others are around, or present yourself to them in varying situations. Protocols are brilliant for reinforcing the D/s dynamic. Broadly speaking, you’re not often reminded of protocols unless you misstep. So something as simple as remembering to stand to your girlfriend’s left and wait quietly if she’s talking to someone at a party can reinforce your submission to her.

Discipline is about reinforcing the dynamic and enforcing rules and protocols. Mistakes are made, rules forgotten. We’re all human. That is when discipline comes in. The transgression is addressed, punishment handed out, and then the slate is wiped clean. Add in some affection after the fact and you’ve just reinforced everything you are working towards together. The intimacy required for this is pretty damn intense, and it’s important to know each other well before diving in.

Structure is key in a D/s dynamic, because without consistency, it can all fall apart. Rules that aren’t enforced are unlikely to be followed. A Dom who allows his sub to get away with everything isn’t likely to keep the respect he has earned. And respect and reverence are part and parcel of the whole kneeling thing. Likewise, a submissive who is constantly fighting the rules she agreed to isn’t respecting the dynamic, and isn’t doing her part to make it work. D/s is a lot of work for both partners, and isn’t something to be jumped into too quickly or taken lightly.

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Now, to review, you can mix and match the forms of power exchange however suits you and your partner(s). And it is often different from one partner to the next. Some people fit the classic roles of Dom/Top/Sadist and Sub/Bottom/Masochist. Some people switch between sadism and masochism, while always remaining a Dom and top. Some people switch between topping and bottoming. Do you see the point I’m getting at here?

You can be any combination of those six roles in any given relationship, and that includes NOT being one of them, even when, traditionally, the others may apply.

Wanting to be in control in the bedroom does NOT automatically make you a Dom. (Say it again for the fuckboys in the back.)

Enjoying rough sex and spanking does NOT automatically make you a sub.

And you can very well be a Dom who doesn’t physically punish his sub or enjoy rough sex. And you can easily be a submissive who does not get spanked.

The definition of these terms is much broader than my summary, and will differ from person to person. Don’t pigeonhole yourself by feeling you need to adhere to a stereotypical definition of any of these terms or roles.

Stop defining friendship as less than romance. Stop defining romance as better than friendship. 

Hmm this is a toughy, cus I never thought of myself as being in ‘training.’ But the biggest, longest step for me was (and is) building confidence, so let’s see if I can give u some good advice!

💖The top-or-bottom dressing system💖

It’s not realistic to expect u to just start dressing like a hooker (even tho that’s what random tumblr doms will tell u 😂). If ur wanting to look more like a bimbo but u don’t want to go all out, that’s okay: u can look at ur outfits in a top-or-bottom way. When I say that, I mean u push urself with one part of the outfit, then let the other part b a bit of relief. For instance, these pics I took a while ago when I went running errands:

I love love love this shirt! It’s pretty and it rly shows off my tits! But I didn’t feel comfortable wearing a tight skirt w it and feeling totally on display, so I wore my denim hippie lady skirt that almost goes down to my ankles, and I still felt sexual and pretty, but I didn’t hav to make myself feel exposed and embarrassed. You can do this all kinds of ways. Wanna push urself to show off ur legs? Wear some short shorts, then wear a comfy sweatshirt on top. Wanna go out on a limb and wear a bralette as a shirt? Wear your favorite jeans on the bottom. Never feel as tho because u can’t do everything, u can’t do anything!

💖 Give urself a reminder of how dumb u r! 💖

If u rly wanna strengthen ur bimbo mindset, find something that makes u feel dumb. Bimbos r kinda like babies cus we don’t hav any object permanence 😅 — the second something leaves our line of vision it’s easy for us to forget, which means it can b real easy to forget how dumb we r! So, I suggest u find something that engages ur senses — something u can either see, taste, feel, or hear. U could get urself a cheap set of sparkly press-on nails that u can see and that make it harder to do normal things w, u could start chewing gum, u could get a pack of bangle bracelets that make a little sound whenever u move, etc. I personally love how dumb and incapable press-on nails make me feel!

These yellow monsters were literally the lowest of the clearance (I think like $2?), but u can find some pretty fun options on sale! And u don’t hav to hav them forever — I usually keep mine on for 5 days tops. That’s what’s nice: it doesn’t matter if what u choose lasts or u use it constantly, it just has to serve as a fun, IQ dropping little reminder for the moment in time that u want/need it!

💖 Do a pornstar search! 💖

Obvi porn is like, super important. But sometimes it can feel the queens in porn r worlds away from us little sluts. It doesn’t hav to feel that way, tho! U r a beautiful babe, and there r bound to b women who do porn who look like u, so look for them! U can start by literally looking up: “best [ginger/blonde/curvy/black/etc] pornstars.” There r tons of lists online, most of them up to date! I personally like reading the ones on the Little Slush cus they gas the women up so fucking much 😂 But there r plenty of sites that’ll come up if u do a little research! From there, look thru the list, notice a few ladies, then start watching! It’s ok if the first stars u try out don’t connect to u, just keep looking. In the mean time, it means ur watching more porn, and that’s always good for u, even if ur not turned on!

Here’s one for me: Lately I’ve been thinking of dying my hair and going ginger, so I looked at this list from the Little Slush —> https://thelittleslush.com/hottest-redhead-pornstars/

And out of the few ladies I watched, I ended up connecting to Ms. Penny Pax! She doesn’t just stick to mainstream stuff, she also does some BDSM, which I rly like cus it reminds me of my own tastes. Plus, she has natural tits that r about the size of my tits!! Watching more of her, I also just love her attitude — it’s not exactly mine, but she makes me think of myself, and that’s what’s important!

Remember that, when searching — u r looking for women that remind u of urself. Just choosing someone that u wish u looked like isnt the purpose of this particular exercise. Find a pornstar that u connect to for some reason, and start watching, start rubbing or humping and having fun! And while ur at it, go ahead and think of urself. Look at her, this pornstar, this sex goddess, and think of urself. What was it about her that reminded u of urself? The shape of her face? Make the expressions she’s making. Her voice? Imagine those moans coming out of ur own throat. Her body type? Pay attention to the way her body looks on all fours, the way her ass jiggles as she’s getting pounded, and realize that u would look pretty damn similar. Put urself into porn. We’re bimbos, bby, we R porn!! So do a pornstar search for urself!

💖 You don’t need to always be “on.” 💖

This is one of the most important things I can say to beginner bimbos: that u r a human being, and that no matter how deep down the pink-brick road u get, there will always b times when u don’t feel even remotely bubbly or sexual. These times don’t even necessarily hav to b ‘bad’ days! I’m a part time bimbo and it is like, vital that I hav days where I’m not in Bimboland — just like, normal, good days. It’s self care baby!! ✨

And as a neurodivergent bimbo, I am giving u the assignment to listen to urself. Cus honestly, our kink can b a lot! Its easy for it to b a little too much. This happens to me all the time. Sometimes the perfume is too strong for me, it leaves me agitated and snappy, and I hav to wash it off. Sometimes I hav such hyper awareness of the makeup on my face that I hav to remove it an hour after I put it on. Sometimes I masturbate so long that I’m late for class and it’s not fun, it just makes me mad and guilty. Sometimes the things that r supposed to make us happy make us sad or tired or frustrated, and when they do, that’s a signal that we need to take a pause and ask ourselves if what we’re doing is helping or hurting us in that moment.