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compartmentalizing step 1 put all your negative emotions into fictional characters and let them suffer in your place instead

#i feel great

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for me it's always my one person because honestly more than three people in a room at once will probably overstimulated me either into never shutting up or feeling like I'm about to fade away into the background. like I get the sentiment that friends are super cool and lovely but I am a person who genuinely has not had a good experience in middling sized friend groups and I latch onto one or two people while many of the group treats each other less like individuals and more like group, aND

maybe I've been seeing too many aroace perspectives on romance (I myself am alloace) that I'm feeling a bit conflicted myself. so like, people say prioritising that one person because you "love them more" is not really a good thing, but it's not like it's untrue (in some cases) I DO like someone more than any other given people and I WILL prioritise them over other people, not for any hard feelings but like, you have to understand, that there is a reason for this. and I'm not saying romance is a bigger deal than platonic relationships because its not, or maybe it is in more nuanced ways (I would not, for example, make all of my friends my life partners; I would sooner live as a hermit than have to be roommates with them, split chores with them, come home to see them fucking around on the couch, share a living space with them in general)

so I don't know where I'm going with this, but fever isn't good for the brain or my emotional state rn

#vent #kinda #ive been getting a lot of hot takes on social media from aroace perspectives lately #and i feel like imI'm wasting a lot of energy trying to empathize and agree with a team i don't play for #like I get that romance is not that big of a deal... but to say romance entirely is unimportant and that they don't get it is kinda like #someone who doesn't like chocolate saying people shouldn't eat it #AND I KNOW AROACE PEOPLE R ALREADY IN THE TRENCHES WITH THE INTERNET BEING SO ROMANCE FOCUSED AND THEM BEING ERASED #AND I DO THINK AROACE CHARACTERS SHOULDT ALWAYS BE PUT INTO ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS WITH THE SPECTRUM AS AN EXCUSE BECAUSE YOURE IGNORING #A HUGE PART OF THE SPECTRUM THERE #AND I GET THAT YOU CAN BE INTIMATE AND STUFF W YOUR FRIENDS #BUT SOMETIMES ITS HARD TO SEPARATE MY THOUGHTS FROM SOMEONE ELSES AND I END UP HAVING AN INTERNAL DEBATE ABT IT #IN OTHER WORDS FREAKING OUT #AND I REALLY NEED TO STOP READING THOSE POSTS #BECAUSE AS SOMEONE WHO DOES WANT ROMANCE ITS REALLY NOT FOR ME #WHY ARE SOCIAL MEDIAS RECOMMENDING A CHOCOLATE EATER ANTI CHOCOLATE POSTS #ITS BECAUSE IM ASEXUAL ISNT IT. THEY THINK ITS THE SAME THING #anyways pride month ended over a week ago 😞

been feeling closer to an abrupt end of the line more often than not, all from pretty little things

it just feels hard to take life easy when everything turns out wrong, or when you turn out wrong, and it all seems so obviously fucked up in hindsight but you still keep fucking up somehow, and you feel like you're falling behind

everyone says it's fine because what else can they say? it's not their life, what can they do? why would they care?

#vent #FUCK ME MAN #I DOTN WANT TO BE AN ASSHOLE ANM BUT FUCKCK

lately I have been focusing on smut scenarios so that I keep away from like, spiralling thoughts that eventually lead back to "you're a waste of space why are you here bla bla blah," because horny is like, I can't imagine a person horny AND sad. sex isn't a solution but imaginary ones keep the suicidal thoughts way, I guess. but also I'm paranoid of real life telepathy and so it's awkward using this tactic out in public because I'm not actually that freaky I just cope the best way I know how

#rambling #im ace btw #so thsithis is even funnier to me #it's usually some me-adjacent figure with some not me-adjacent figure(s)#Or my blorbos #when I'm focused on their reactions and the intricate details on how they're being plowed I don't have time to think about #jumping in front of train tracks or whatever #so it works kind of sometimes #Most of the time

I get the sentiment of "romance isn't that big for a deal" as well as "I really want to date someone" bc for me it's just the want to be prioritised, to share your life with someone else. you can do it with friends, but degrees of closeness vary, and without defining it, other people will definitely be put above you in an invisible hierarchy, and that's fine! it's normal. you can enjoy the company of someone, hangout and chat freely with them and trust them with your burdens, and you can still not see yourself sharing your life long term with them, or them being an integral part of your life long term. for me, I love adventure and doing new things, but most of my friends... don't. I don't dislike them for it, but it means making them a part of my life is difficult, especially when they aren't willing to cross their comfort zone to join me. if I met someone like them, introverted and reserved, who was still willing to be adventurous with me, try new things and put themselves out there, I'd probably like them a lot too. but if they don't, we can still be friends, just not... I don't want to say lovers, because there are queerplatonic relationships and platonic soulmates, but something to that degree. honestly, I don't mind never dating as long as I have someone as my "priority" or "life partner", and I as theirs. It's just my opinion, anyways. my one crush is also one of my good friends, and I enjoy that relationship as well. it's just that they don't prioritise/are not as close to me as they are to their other friends, so I don't think we'd make good life partners. if they did, we would be, but we're not that close, haha.

(not blaming th or calling them out for it; it's perfectly normal to be closer to other friends because of plenty of factors, and for this one we had a falling out for a bit a couple years ago and then split ways before reconciling, it's just how it is. also, their group of friends share more interests and happened to talk more than we could, so it's also bad luck on my end. meanwhile, I had very few friends I enjoyed being around simply also because of bad luck in social groupa)

also maybe me being asexual has some factor in it, because sex is like, not a big deal to me. I like physical touch, like handholding or hugs, as much as the next person, but sexual intimacy is extremely low on my list of priorities. I do understand the appeal of it to people, but it's not something I'd instigate personally. so for some people, sex is a part of romance, and that may be why they want a gf/bf/other

BUT ALSO I enjoy pushing my fave characters together and going KISS!!! KISS!!!! Like they're Barbie dolls. It's not that it makes the relationship more important it's just fun to me

#vent #?#not realreally #Just #introspection #I don't think this is a hot take right???#like this might be a very common viewpoint on all this

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saw a tiktok talking about a similar topic and my take on it is,

you are completely justified in the way you feels bout someone who has ruined your life, by bullying/osteacizing or just bring a bitch in general, especially in high school. you are under no obligation to forgive them or empathize with them. but, ESPECIALLY if it happened in high school, you need to grasp the concept of "people change", because people do. no one stays the same forever. if someone is genuinely turning their life around and fixing their attitude, you need to respect it. again, forgiveness or forgetting what happened to you is not necessary. but by letting people change, it makes it all the better because there will be fewer people hurt in the future. it's not "you have to understand they were just a kid" because you were a kid too, and it's not "they were the bad guy and they still are no matter what". it is "humans have the capacity to change and evolve, even if some don't" and it's perfectly fine to not care about someone who picked on you, but there's no reason to pick on someone actively trying to make a difference in their life. not everyone changes, sure, but by stubbornly holding on to that one static viewpoint, you are actively making it harder for people who want to change, change. never talk to them again! block them on all socials! tell your mutual or otherwise friends not to bring them up in front of you! look away in the halls! but don't try and pick apart their attempts at changing, don't say bad people are forever bad people, don't perpetuate a cycle.

#what did that one post say?#Do not harm; take no shit #more people need to adopt that mentality #and changing is a very difficult curve #like quadratics #<- guy who hates quadratics #vent #I guess #I don't really know what this is #discourse #?

ravenbarcounter

Half related to my previous post I get why people admire the communal feel of most eastern nations as compared to the individualistic mindset of the western (both of which have their pros and cons) but I feel like people who didn't grow up in a very society-focused environment always miss the harm of it growing up because you're expected to always conform, especially towards your elders, who you have to treat as if they ALWAYS, and I mean ALWAYS, know better than you, if you're unlucky. You always have to smile and nod, no debating or contradicting whatever someone older rthan you says, especially if it's family, because you're not "giving face", but then they'll turn around and shit talk you with other "elders" like it's perfectly fine. The jokes about the way Asian families are are funny even to me, but without the humorous light and the knowledge that despite all this parent and child still care for each other, it's a very depressing childhood to have. comparisons to cousins, the shit talking, the family drama that is never resolved because they're trying to "preserve the harmony", abuse of authority from the elders, it's all a terrible environment to grow up in. I applaud the adults who can return home after being abroad and being independent for so long, because when you are no longer under their thumbs relying on them to live, them only can you feel better about it. I don't think I can. I don't think I will.

ravenbarcounter

they're not so bad now but man when I was a kid I had the bare minimum and I am grateful that it's not worse but like. I was surrounded by upper middle class kids and I felt so out of place

#some were also middle class like me #but they had some nice stuff #vent

Half related to my previous post I get why people admire the communal feel of most eastern nations as compared to the individualistic mindset of the western (both of which have their pros and cons) but I feel like people who didn't grow up in a very society-focused environment always miss the harm of it growing up because you're expected to always conform, especially towards your elders, who you have to treat as if they ALWAYS, and I mean ALWAYS, know better than you, if you're unlucky. You always have to smile and nod, no debating or contradicting whatever someone older rthan you says, especially if it's family, because you're not "giving face", but then they'll turn around and shit talk you with other "elders" like it's perfectly fine. The jokes about the way Asian families are are funny even to me, but without the humorous light and the knowledge that despite all this parent and child still care for each other, it's a very depressing childhood to have. comparisons to cousins, the shit talking, the family drama that is never resolved because they're trying to "preserve the harmony", abuse of authority from the elders, it's all a terrible environment to grow up in. I applaud the adults who can return home after being abroad and being independent for so long, because when you are no longer under their thumbs relying on them to live, them only can you feel better about it. I don't think I can. I don't think I will.

#vent #every place has its flaws #minor fact my parents were very frugal and they still are now #because they wanted us to know the importance of money or whatever #iI grew up eithwith a big empty hole of wanting things iI can never have #and i still feel guilty over making purchases #and theres being unable to buy soemthingsomething #And being able to but not doing it for your kid #and knowing that difference later on gave me a years long crisis imI'm not over #its not like iI wanted them to buy everything #but as i grew older they got busier and i got neither their time nor their money and i was so very bored #For lack of a better term to describe it

being the youngest kid just means forever tolerating the fact that no matter what you will always be the Least Ever

sure people think youngest are always the most spoiled, but my family never takes me seriously, treats me as immature, doesnt trust me yet always demands more because I'm their third (and last) attempt and raising a good child,

and when I turn out worse (not as smart as the first, not as "obedient" as the second) they treat it as an insult to themselves, as if I'm not my own person, but an extension of them as parents, like I'm a fucking mii or sim

I DO get what I want, more so than the second/middle, so say what you will, but it's only because I know how to fucking ask for stuff. I get more but only because I ask more. I don't get everything I ask for, but maybe half/a third dof the time it's a yes. compared to that, the eldest got more than me, and the second sibling doesn't know how to fucking ask for his own things and every time it's just

#i AM the asshole here #I genuinely cannot stand my family and imI'm happy for people who find it in themselves to love and cherish their bio fam ghruthru the flaw #but im not so kind #or loving #i cannot gaf about them for the sake of my sanity so iI choose not to #theyre not bad people but #I hope iI never ever see them again #vent

tomorrow I will be fine, but today I feel the full weight of my emotions crushing me like a squeaky toy that won't shut up until it's deflated from the overwhelming force and I lie there, sapped of everything

dear universe, I am tired. I am not your strongest soldier, I'm not a soldier at all. I am waiting for the day I am interred beneath the earth, or better yet, used as fuel for the incinerator-

it may be the most useful things I will ever do in my life, letting my fat melt over the ash, and at the same time the last harm I will commit, disgusting black smoke belched from the chimney

No, I don't want to die. But I don't know if I can keep going. If this sadness ever lasts longer than a day, I will find myself at the right end of a gun or knife, the glaringly bright end of a vehicle on the street in the night, at the end of the bridge

Every day I wake myself up only to crash down again, like Sisyphus and his boulder up the hill

god, I hope no one notices. I hope my dramatics are left as dramatics, my stupidity another fault of mine

Maybe if I am louder they will learn to ignore me

Maybe if I am louder I will learn what silence permeates the screaming

I cannot say I will be quiet. The lesson never sticks. Hope is a razor knife's edge away from despair.

#vent

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I want to predictable- that is to say, I want to be predicted, read like an open book in large Comic Sans font, understood like the most basic instructions manual

Here is how to make me happy; here is how to untangle my entire being from the noise

I am easy, you see?

#vent

i want to die

not really, I actually want to live

without pain, worry, and anxiety

about whether or not I'll die today, or tomorrow

I want to watch a new episode of my favorite show

and I want to see my favorite people grow

and I want to sit on a balcony and watch the sun rise

with my shirt off. with no one there

with someone there

I want to waste a day or two

I want to die

not really

but how else can I explain it to other people without letting them in my head?

#vent #restructured the way they pop up in my head #like paragraph breaks

ravenbarcounter

everyoke talks about how depression/grief makes it feel like the clock has stopped, but for me it's like -

depression is the deep, dark sea and I'm a shark stuck in the fathomless end, and I don't know where I'm going or what's ahead of me, but all I know is that if I stop I did. And one day I will stop. But for now I'm chasing all these flashes of light, and I keep moving forward and backwards but I never stay still

Because I'll die. But I will miss the lights very much if I do.

ravenbarcounter

i primarily only feel grief when people around me feel it too, and it's more in the direction of discomfort - that I can be okay, while the people around me have been deeply affected by something that should have affected me the same way

as soon as we're apart I'm just confused. should I feel the grief? but it isn't even mine. should I act as I am? but I don't want to be cold

everyoke talks about how depression/grief makes it feel like the clock has stopped, but for me it's like -

depression is the deep, dark sea and I'm a shark stuck in the fathomless end, and I don't know where I'm going or what's ahead of me, but all I know is that if I stop I die. And one day I will stop. But for now I'm chasing all these flashes of light, and I keep moving forward and backwards but I never stay still

Because I'll die. But I will miss the lights very much if I do.

#vent #I notice I have an odd way of processing my emotions #where I rarely let anything breach the plexiglass screen before me #and when it does it's sort of like. it's not a big deal. I just actively choose to feel it because it mattered to me #and when it doesn't #I struggle to let the feelings pass through or bounce off #because iI either come off as cold amdand callous #or i overdo it and Stop #which as you know #is equivalent to dropping dead

not really a coping mechanism but more of a reaction where time doesn't stop for me, it keeps going and going and if I don't keep up ill die. I don't understand how people in their grief slow down to process when there are whirlpools around me threatening to drag me down if I stop even for a moment

#am like #shark #cantcan't stop swimming or they die #even if someone really close to me dies #iI just press forward #iI dontdon't mourn #Or iI haventhaven't before #vent

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yk the feeling when someone close to you dies but you don't really feel anything and you're just mimicking the human rules of grief in an attempt to blend in better but you're not sure how much is too much since you were never really THAT close but that person thought really well of you, even possibly as one of their closest friends, and you don't want to be halfhearted or come off as cold even thought you ARE, you are cold and callous and not wanting to treat this loss as important as it is and you wonder if it's a crime to be happy when something tragic has happened mere inches to your left

#vent

when she puts your hand around your shoulder and it's like your soul is immediately ancbofed by touch alone and you want to lean in but you're afraid of her pulling away so when it's over you're left emptier than before and the gaping hole in your chest is filled with all the words you cannot speak aloud because you're young and sad and complicated, and everybody thinks you cant be sad and complicated the way you are at your age, and you stay very, very quiet. other things, the wrong things, spill past your teeth and regret chases after each turn of phrase but youre fine and not sad or complicated, just stupid and reckless

#vent #tw vent

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