I hate everybody

I am seriously fucking trapped here please let me out

I need a haircut so bad but im so scared to leave the house....well im not really scared just fucking overwhelmed from defending myself from my unreasonably dark intrusive thoughts (i have ocd) so handling the anxieties of driving to a new place and meeting new people and trusting them with my hair is a lot......so maybe i should just go to the guy i went to last time just so I can actually make it happen . Yeahhhh. But at the same time i crave new experiences bc if i keep living the same day over and over for another year i will deffo go crazy or smth idek . I need to try a new restaurant new food, but again the exhaustion i feel already....i am so exhausted from this month trying to keep myself in the land of the living . My therapist isnt effectively helping me with any of this and i snapped at them so im dreading the next appointment where nothing will change bc i cant change my environment or others at all. And im trying to cancel it for that reason but hes unreasonably worried im gonna kms just bc of my mental state and thinks i should continue. Is it logical to be too mentally unwell for therapy????? Like dw bro i just caught a bad flu case, mentally. Ill get better with time, like I did before. Or dead. I dont really care either way. Nobody wants to should or has the ability to help me, only time. Leave me alone

I wont even enjoy setting a date bc i know i couldnt even enjoy any day in particular anymore

Im gonna die

I think i should kill myself

Yeah my phone screentime average is 7 hours a day yeah 4 or 5 of those are mindlessly scrolling on tik tok alone yeah i do wanna kill myself over it but i kinda dont care but theres nothing else i can do but wait for stuff to happen to me and i have nothing to do except obsess over my own thoughts and spiral so im gonna kill myself bc i cant tell my current therapist that i want somebody who specializes in ocd plus i neef help yesterfay and then tomorrow ill be fine so its really just hurting my therapists feelings for no reason so i should just kill myself to avoid getting anybody else down ever i hate myself so much i need to die i cant even help other people whats the point in me being alive anyways im gonna fucking make a plan and try once i can drive alone legally (tomorrow hopefully) lmfaooo its what i deserve im literally leaving this earth soon byeee

i wish i could enjoy life again