how does this work?

OK, OK, I’ll stand on the chair and I’ll shout it now. I am a feminist. I’ve always been a feminist. I couldn’t not be a feminist really, having grown up in a single-parent household and attending an all-girls’ school, going on to work in a traditionally male-dominated environment. It was destiny (if you believe […] from Feminist

It was definitely an interesting summer. I wouldn’t say good as such. Nothing got written, words were not forthcoming. Life just carried on without a thought about being an author, or a writer, or anything much really. It just kind of carried on. In the middle of August, our big ginger tom (called Thomas) got […] from What I’m writing – Trying to make a change

I need to get tough. Thick skin, broad shoulders and almost unshakable confidence.  I need to learn to accept flaws and embrace failure.  I need to take things less personally and realise that being set up to fail is not a reflection of overall performance.  I need to be less sensitive, harder, colder. Become distanced […] from Toughen up

I’m in bed. I’m not sleeping – obviously. Nope, it’s 11pm on a “school night” (like that means anything any more. I run on 4 hours sleep most nights.) and I’m rocking out on the bed to some chilled drum and bass like I don’t have a care in the world. And, the best bit […] from When you’re all fucking crazy

I’ve been away quite a while. I would like to say that in the time I’ve been away I’ve done a lot of soul searching and I’ve come back with the answers to everything and I’m all happy and shit. But that’s not what happened. Life has been harder and harder because I’ve had to […] from On being me… and not so me.

I get funny tingle From head to my backside As you creep across the ceiling  To find somewhere to hide You scuttle down the walls Don’t dare to make a sound Your teeny feet move quickly Across uneven ground You relax under the sofa A spindly leg hangs out “Oh, crap! A giant spider” I […] from Visitor

I’ve fallen in love. Again. Not music, nor a person (thank goodness), nor a cat (much to He-Who-Shouts-while-playing-Unreal-Tournament’s delight), but with a mug this time. Yep. A mug Read it. Take it in. Breathe in the reality and depth of those words… printed on A FUCKING MUG. So that’s my new thing – Living the […] from What I’m writing – when it doesn’t work out

I posted a while back about the follies of using real people as inspiration in stories. Well, guess what? I didn’t heed my own warnings. I spent some time indulging in “what ifs” and whys and hows and, sometimes, whos and, well… Lets just say some of the results weren’t pretty. For the last few […] from What I’m writing – old and new

I’ve not done the prompt for a while and when I saw mighty as this week’s prompt I immediately shied away. But as I laid here at not even 7 am with a three year old on my chest, having already cleaned up the piss he spread liberally across the beds (his and mine) this […] from Mighty

Dear you, Today was fucking hard, wasn’t it? In fact, no, these last few weeks have been hard as sun-dried dog shit. You’ve had everything thrown at you by your own demons, and other people’s egos have come along for the ride. Give yourself credit for breathing, for living through the dark days, for being […] from For a friend

After Maddy’s success with the shape challenge and people talking about drawing and doodling, I thought I might give it a go. I used to draw vague figures and stuff when I was younger. Nothing spectacular – one step up from stickmen really. I had to spend over £5 in the shop today buying lunch […] from What I’m writing – Not drawing

*THIS BLOG POST CONTAINS SWEARS. – Nan, look away now.* I’ve hit a cross-roads in my life where the time has come for me to stop fucking about, pick up my shit, put on my big girl pants and halt being a wuss about my writing. Yes, yes, I know, I said this last year […] from Something New

Overt admiration Behind lust-filled perception Summoning appreciation, Echoing your direction. So delicious the flirtation. Such an association In my imagination One perfect connection Nothing to see here. from Preoccupation

This is one of my favourite excerpts from something I wrote a few years ago. ‘Hi, I’m Dr Wandsworth.’ She says as I walk with her down the corridor to her room. ‘What can I do for you  today?’   ‘I don’t think I’m normal.’  I say.   ‘How?’   ‘I think my brain is weird.  Wired differently.  Wrong.’  I say and I can feel the tears already. ‘I feel sad and  frustrated a lot.’  ‘OK, have you ever thought about suicide?’   ‘As a solution?’  I say, trying to make a joke.   ‘No.’  ‘No, I haven’t thought about killing myself.’ I say,. ‘Not in a long time anyway.’   ‘What’s a long time?’   ‘About twenty four hours.’   She hisses through her teeth.   ‘And what stopped you?’   I shrug.  ‘I don’t want to fuck it up.’   ‘Oh. I see.’  She makes a note on a piece of paper and I can’t see what it says. ‘Anything else?’   ‘I have these moments where I lose control of everything.’   ‘OK, how?’   ‘Like my brain gets stuck in a gear and can’t go past it.  It’s not rational or logical’. I look at her to make sure she’s not beginning to edge  away. ‘It’s impulsive and I say and do silly things in the heat of the moment.’   ‘Everyone does.’   ‘Not like this.’   ‘OK,’ She scribbles something else. I can’t read her utterly indecipherable writing. ‘Do you get panic attacks?’   ‘What are they?’   ‘A feeling of being overwhelmed. Palpitations, sickness?’   ‘Yes.  I get that a lot.’   ‘Right. What about compulsions?’   ‘Yes, I have those too.’   She writes something else.   ‘I’m going to the hospital, aren’t I?’ I ask her.   ‘No, not today.’ She says, her face finally breaking into a smile. ‘Today I’m going to give you some medication and I’ll get you an outpatient appointment in a few weeks to see if we can help you to feel better.’   ‘OK.’ They’re taking me seriously? The crying is probably helping. ‘Is this because I’m crying?’   ‘Julianne, no one should have to feel this way.’  She said. ‘You don’t have to feel this way and you don’t  deserve to feel this way.’   ‘What if it’s my fault?’  ‘This isn’t your fault.  You’re ill. You need medication and help.  That’s all.’   I like Dr Wandsworth with her kindly eyes and large bosom and mess of greying hair.   She hands me the prescription.   […] from No one deserves to feel this way…

I’m sat here with my headphones on, listening to some midi (music) files I wrote about ten years ago (TEN YEARS!) and feeling incredibly proud of myself because they aren’t that bad. I’m genuinely surprised they aren’t awful. Even so, listening to the stuff I wrote on the computer all those years ago is an […] from Beautifully indulgent self-doubt.

We’ve all heard that old adage “writing is rewriting”. Nope, it never did make any sense to me either. What I think it means is that in order to get something worth publishing at the end of the long road of actually writing the damn thing in the first place you have to START ALL […] from Re-writes

I know. It’s all very cliché doing a blog post on the first day of the new year, or on the last day of the old one. Hey, at least I’m posting on day 2 of the new year (sort of). I like to jazz it up a bit. Last year was The Year of […] from New year