Rantings Of Mad Women.

Nice velour pants. Did she rob one of the Real Housewives of Bogantown.

Fuck the severe storm warning. I'm playing chicken with the radar and wearing shorts, thongs and a white top. Shit could get see through.

There's a suicide pill in your wallet, I put it there in the event you were ever going to be trapped on a bus with ***** all day. I'll miss you, my dear friend.

I can't believe that was inside me. Ew.

Work today was busier than a hooker in St Kilda!

Just called a 13 year old a mouthy little cunt in the Safeway carpark. It was just like Bridesmaids, I'm going to make a fabulous teacher.

Nana, even though you're winking at me, hearing you tell sex jokes isn't any less traumatising.

We were really high and I had her convinced that Jason from Friday the 13th was hiding behind the trees in the park so we sprinted to the car and locked the doors, then somehow we decided donuts were the answer to all our problems so we drove 20 minutes to go get Krispy Kreme.

I didn't realise the words 'Why are you lying to me?' were a marriage proposal. He went all 'I just want to be friends' because I called him on the lie. Men are retarded!

Seriously, If I were a guy I would use the morning after pill to my advantage, just crush it up and put it on her cereal or something? She'd never realise, and you'd never have to deal with unwanted children, it's genius!