. NO EASY MEAT .

       ❛ 𝐎𝐟 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 ? ❜

             𝚃𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚎𝚖𝚘𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚜 𝐃𝐄𝐒𝐓𝐑𝐎𝐘 𝚢𝚘𝚞.

1. "Relaxed on the outside; he certainly did not feel it inside." This is where it all begins. How he presents himself not matching how he actually feels internally.

2. Rand is just following the script Lan gave him when talking to Leane. And he's actually surprised his voice doesn't shake even though that's how he feels inside

3. It's clear this doesn't come natural to him, but Rand is mimicking Lan's behavior so he comes off how people expect him to be rather than how he actually is. Which is a huge theme later

The silence stretched between them, the marketplace humming around them as though there was nothing wrong in the world. After a few moments, Lilith released the breath she had been holding. She shook her head, smiling once more.

" Oh, Rand... It is alright. " She chuckled softly. Slowly, carefully, she stepped closer to him, trying to find his eyes while he looked away from her. Keeping her gaze upon him, she reached for the sleeve of his clothes, careful not to touch him. ( wanting to bring him back to her. )

" My offer always stands for you. " She smiled, tugging him slightly before letting go. Her hands clasped behind her back, just as light and cheerful as she always was.

𝐇𝐄  𝐃𝐈𝐃𝐍'𝐓  𝐇𝐀𝐕𝐄  𝐓𝐇𝐄  𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐓  to  tell  her  that  he  did  not  find  himself  hungry  .  he  hadn't  been  for  some  time  today  .  rand's  stomach  clenched  around  the  thought  of  food  ,  a  painful  knot  .  she  was  already  leaving  ,  and  perhaps  it  wouldn't  be  so  rude  to  decline  at  least  once  they'd  taken  a  seat  .  tea  would  do  nicely  despite  the  heat  . 

         xXxXxXxXx

          the  smells  of  grilled  meat  ,  fresh  breads  and  warm  soups  tickled  the  senses  .  and  made  rand's  stomach  growl  .  flushing  ,  rand  hurried  to  choose  a  two  -  person  table  in  a  corner  where  they  were  least  likely  to  be  bothered  ,  and  quicker  still  to  fetch  their  meals  once  all  was  paid  for  and  settled  .  two  pumpkin  soups  .  and  tea  .  iced  .

          ❝  a  ‘  clinic  ’  ?  ❞  rand  echoed  ,  watching  spices  pool  in  the  well  of  his  spoon  .  oranges  ,  reds  and  browns  .  he  supposed  he  only  had  one  comparison  .  ❝  in  the  two  rivers  we  just  have  a  wisdom  .  her  name  is  nynaeve  .  ❞

" N- no ? Rand , what are you speaking of ? " She stammered, shaking her head in earnest. Just as quickly as it had appeared, so did the sunlight sparkles fade from her eyes. " It is as I have explained . I had noticed your absence from the farmlands , and they told me you had left . "

A weight had begun to form inside Lilith's stomach. There was nothing behind her words, and yet he regarded her as though she were dangerous.

𝐇𝐎𝐖  𝐂𝐎𝐔𝐋𝐃  𝐎𝐍𝐄  𝐋𝐎𝐎𝐊  wound  him  like  a  thousand  knife  cuts  ?  one  look  .  merely  a  passing  shadow  on  her  face  ,  and  the  same  as  the  hesitant  ,  worried  glances  shared  between  nynaeve  and  egwene  ,  when  they  thought  he  wasn't  looking  .  sometimes  when  they  didn't  mean  to  .  rand  thought  he  would  rather  die  on  the  spot  than  see  that  same  look  on  lilith's  face  too  .  but  there  it  was  ,  wielding  thousands  of  cuts  .  and  her  saccharine  sentiments  did  too  .  rand  could  have  laughed  if  didn't  HURT  SO  MUCH  .  he  could  have  laughed  because  it  did  .

         anger  was  a  ball  of  fire  in  his  chest  .  it  hovered  there  .  suffocating  .  uncomfortable  .  he  almost  had  half  of  a  mind  to  simply  tell  lilith  to  save  her  words  altogether  .  Light  ,  man  !  She's  your  friend  .  And  you're  too  bloody  busy  being  angry  to  spare  even  half  of  a  brain  to  listen  .  He  blinked  and  watched  while  lilith  breathed  .  his  fingers  dug  into  his  palms  while  she  continued  .  I  don't  want  to  be  angry  .  I  didn't  used  to  feel  so  angry  .  it  WAS  only  anger  ,  wasn't  it  ?  so  ,  so  much  anger  .  .  .  and  hardly  lilith's  fault  .

          swallowing  his  tongue  ,  rand  forced  himself  to  settle  and  regain  some  semblance  of  composure  .  he  could  force  the  anger  down  .  even  if  it  meant  wrestling  with  it  .  it  wasn't  so  different  from  plunging  every  fear  ,  every  feeling  ,  into  the  void  .  or  struggling  against  the  torrential  froth  and  vile  slick  of  saidin  .

          ❝  .  .  .  i'm  sorry  .  i  didn't  know  .  i  didn't  mean  .  .  .  ❞  rand  frowned  and  felt  his  face  burning  .  he  dropped  his  gaze  to  the  floor  ,  to  the  soles  of  his  shoes  and  the  crack  in  the  pavement  that  was  suddenly  far  more  interesting  .  ❝  i'm  not  busy  .  though  i  would  understand  if  your  offer  no  longer  stood  .  ❞