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I needed to duplicate keys for work and needed to look for a keysmith and feeling resentful for having to do so and when I was at the market looking to buy bread I saw a keysmith shop.

Coincidences?

I had a dream about having my period. There were some negative dream interpretations. I chose to go with the most positive one. That it signalled a new start, new beginnings.

I keep thinking to myself how long will the Ubud effect wear off. And then I remind myself that it doesn't have to be that way. It will stay this way. Where I'm not agitated by crowd noises. Not agitated by toxic behaviour. Being able to focus on what I need to do. Whilst checking inside on what best serves me. At the end of the day I need to make decisions for the best of myself. Reminded by what this yoga teacher said.

and i respond accordingly. without all the negative emotions. and i say what it feels in my position and it is up to you to decide if you leave or stay. no that there is no fear but an acceptance of the outcome because enough is enough. 

I am pissed at this group mate. he reinvents the wheel and contributes in ways that are inconsequential or contrary to group directives where group directives have been explicitly and implicitly expressed. 

i imagine in my head various ways in which the situation can pan out and all options, in my head are vicious, negative, neuroticism-charged. I think of him committing more and more deplorable actions and me getting more and more pissed. I think of statements I say to show the world how deplorable he is and how to put him in his place. and how I am the victim or the right one. (and I am really right. I feel just to say and do it even as I am writing this)

I am thinking of law of attraction and how just one month ago i was able to practice what they preach and how all that came to pieces in this situation. I simply could not summon a single thought of gratitude to counter all these angry thoughts. I have tried reiki. 

I know these thoughts do not serve me but i cannot break the chain of thoughts. Why is my concentration so weak here? I thought i have concentration. what happened to all those time I spent in meditation. In focusing on sensations and not to thoughts. has it all been for nothing. 

I think back to how I have made life decisions based on this anger. In my first job i was so angry with my boss there was one night where I couldnt sleep at all. I was fuming, the anger kept me awake. i left another job because the org was stipulating mandatory leave before PH and deducting from annual leave such that it was not possible to take a 2 weeks leave at all. something that I thought was the bare min requirement i needed from a job. I left the most recent job because my manager was stupid (she really is) and I was angry with the senseless things I had to do under her. 

what i can see so far is that it comes from an anxiety in mediating between what i want to do (impulse) and the consequences of what happens if i proceed. ego vs id. 

but I am uncomfortable. because someone younger than me took the lead in the group? because i wanted to be the one giving instructions. because groupwork is not done in my preferred way. Being honest resulted in my anxiety.

i note my dysfunctional cognitive bias. I have a negative view of her when she initially asked for leads without giving any. i attributed it to her delegating tasks to escape doing anything but she did offer leads eventually. but I still did not like her. because we were in the same tutorial session previously where it was just a handful of students and the teacher, me and her included. she did not acknowledge that we knew each other before. 

So i didnt like it when she imposed deadlines. only because it was not me who is deciding the deadline. This may be the first time I am acknowledging this part of me that wants to take charge. That dislike others who takes my desired role. That automatically attributes negative views on others even where the facts show they are just doing their part as a group member to get the ball rolling!

perhaps this is the anxiety. facing and owing up to the real me. the undesired part of me. anxiety from wanting to make a change because I want to correct dysfunctional habits. 

i struggle to think if I should even ask. because my own behaviour is giving up so whats the point in asking. 

i am undecided if there is any meaning in clarifying. i am hanging on to the past. to all the times when i was badly treated. past is past he will say. I am worried it will happen again. and whether its worth it. talking to x made me realise she always sees the cup half full, i see the cup half empty

and it depends if i get a job that i like next year. if i finally get a chance to do something i like and get a good pay out of it, does it make it an easier or harder decision to make, if i am actually part of the plan. 

1. find a job. min 3k

2. work for at least 3 months.

3. apply for a housing loan

i dont have to think about it if i am ok to cont living with my parents. i dont wish to live with my mom. i would like my own space. i feel bad imposing on my parents. i dont do housework and even when I volunteer they dont want me to. I feel like I am a burden to my parents and they are getting old. 

I dont have to think about it if i am ok with renting. i checked the prices, each month its more than $500 and it may be with roommates and housemates. you make do w the conditions. life may be miserable but Im thinking if im overthinking it. and if im going to rent might as well buy a flat. 

i am taking reiki 2 and part of the work required before you get a cert is to do sending. so i sent reiki to resolve how i feel about having children. i wanted to initially resolve the contradictions i feel about being in this r/s with you but i was afraid even if it was supposed to be for my highest good. 

apparently the dream means im may be trying to end something in my life. something that is with me but in real life perhaps its me thats finding it hard to let go. i think it may more be a reflection of my waking thoughts than a sign of whether to let go. its been hard to resolve and conclude on this. 

i remember this other dream I had. emotionally i was rather disturbed by it. i dream of a big spider that filled the toilet i was in. i was paralyzed and couldnt move even if i saw it and i was scared. its leg brushed against mine and i had a lot of fear in the dream that i would be hurt. i wasnt. that touch felt real. tactile-wise i felt it so the dream seemed real.