Welcome To My Mind

I miss you terribly and I miss us. The first and last thing on my mind everyday is you, I am absolutely shattered, tired and a shell of what I once was. I fucking begged you to stay, I begged for you to talk it out. I will never beg anyone to see me and my worth again.

Today is the start of me letting go, no contact (We haven't spoken in 3 weeks) no checking socials. Nothing.

My appetite to eat is coming back again, I've put some weight back on. It's time for me to focus on myself and my own well being. You may have given up and walked away but I never do.

The big problem is I fell in love with you hard and it's tearing me apart from the inside out. When I came out to you and your mum found out she told you I probably have feelings for you and I had to pretend I didn't. That hurt because I know we can never be more than friends. You told me if I did that you hope I would tell you because you would never want to hurt me, if I do tell you I will be nothing but hurt. I will never have that amazing guy to treat with all the love and respect he deserves.

I thought that when I came out to you I would snap out of it. You have been nothing but supportive of me and it has been so lovely.

The problem is I am still completely in love with you. Why am I still confused?

You said when I came out you really thought alot about your own sexuality. That to me points to some uncertainty with yourself also.

We talk everyday and video call most days for hours. We hang out any time we can, we have deep late night conversations. I feel like we have a deep connection and love for eachother.

I don't know what we are and I don't know what I am doing anymore.

Maybe this is what having a best friend feels like.

Maybe it's more.

I guess being at the party last night with new people has made me subconsciously think of past friendships.

I guess it's natural for some people to drift out of your life. Truthfully I can't remember being this happy than with the friends I currently have.