Darkness Abound

He could read the uneasiness on her face, which he didn’t take pleasure in, but she made her own bed, so she had to lie in it. They both had dominating personalities, and Tommy normally made himself be in charge, but right now, he was letting her call the shots. Her volume was increasing, but he showed no intimidation, standing in place and being patient. Her words were so different than what she was displaying, and it was a funny way to show affection, since she used to sit beside him and lay with her head on him whereas now she was shouting and pushing him.

Even now, the love and need she felt for the man before her translated into anger. Unrightfully so, but part of her couldn’t help it.  Angry at herself, angry at the way he made her feel, angry at this whole fucking situation that ended up with Tommy hurt by her hand. But as Tommy finally spoke, the simplicity and bluntness of his words sucked the fight and anger right out of her. She sighed, all the fire leaving with that puff of air, and her shoulders slumped, her hands went soft and Tommy’s chest. Slender fingers clung to his shirt, looking up at him with eyes that couldn’t be described as anything short of lost.

Rejecting the invisible rope between them, he shoved his fists that were beginning to tremble into his over-sized sweats. It wasn’t like he wanted to hit her; it wasn’t anything like that. He missed her too, and the idea of ever letting her go again was too much, but he resigned by searching for answers.

"I do’t need protection, Aria. We talked ‘bout this." His voice was a little louder than he wanted, but he was fighting the concave feeling in his chest that wanted to change the last vision he had of her before this. He should’ve pulled her back onto the couch instead of watching her go. "I know what you’re job is, an’ I do’t give a shit. Do I want you doin’ it? No. Can I stop you? No.” With each question, he turned his head until he growled back an answer as he conversed with himself. “But I said I would be with you durin’ it all.” The fiery build up in his chest made him pant as he pulled himself together. “I meant that.” That time his words were sweet as his breath grew irregular.

More than anything, she wants to wrap her arms around his waist and bury her face in his chest. She wanted to feel the solid thump of his heart, the warmth of his arms embracing her. She just wanted to feel him, and the worst part was she knew she couldn't. It made that stupid emotion that she hated so much well in her throat. Looking away, she swallowed thickly and tucked her hands in her back pockets. 

Funny how as he stood in front of her, his anxious thoughts came doubling back to him. Aria had made him feel again, and he hardly knew what to do since the binge of women and Jack had almost gotten him over the hump and back to the safety of numbness.

"What’re you sorry for? I do’t get it." His eyes rolled as his own thoughts clamored, fighting his desire to hold her, soothe her, kiss her, anything to be with her. "You knew you was gonna take off, right? Why’re you back now? What’s changed?"

"I'm sorry for leaving like I did, Tommy. I shouldn't have... I should've explained, or said goodbye, or... something. I..." she paused and took a deep breath. "I was just trying to protect you." She almost reached out to him them, but hesitated, unable to bridge that gap. "Nothing's changed! That's the fuckin' problem. I thought I'd move on or it'd get easier somehow. But it hasn't, and... I can't stay away from you. I'm sorry. I know it's selfish. I... Fuck. Maybe I shouldn't have come." Her resolution faltered, and she glanced back toward the door, tucking her hair behind her ear with shaking hands. But she looked back at him, trying to keep the longing from her expression. "I came back because I missed you. And to say I was sorry. You... you mean a lot more to me than my actions suggest." Her words were rushed, tumbling from her lips like they might get stuck if she spoke any slower. 

His craned neck lifted as he took a step back to let her into the threshold, but she would have to open the screen door. She didn’t deserve those kind gestures he had done automatically and willingly for her in the past. He’d already grieved her, so he was keeping his distance.

"What’s the worst you can do?" His lips sealed around his teeth as his tongue traced the inside of his lips. "Leave?"

But she was here, and despite the anger so plain on his face, he hadn't turned her away; not yet. Opening the screen door, she followed him into the house. It was familiar, safe, warm. Like coming home. But it wasn't quite, not without his arms around her. The words found their mark, stinging just like he meant them to. "I deserve that," she muttered, running a hand through her hair before looking up at him again. He stopped the words in her throat, pausing to just look at him, take in the sight she'd longed for since she left. God, he's beautiful.

But again, she forced herself to find her voice. "I--... I'm sorry, Tommy. I just... God, I don't know how to do this. I'm just so fuckin' sorry, darling."