I wish I could just be normal so that I wasnt so scared of being alone while being highly likely to end up alone. I dont Want to live alone. It feels unsafe and scary and depressing. I want a relationship but I don't want a relationship. I cant stand the idea of kissing someone, or being touched too often, or sharing a bed/bedroom, but if you don't give in to that then you get left behind by everyone else who is normal and feels safe in a normal relationship setting. I couldn't start a relationship even if I tried because I know that I have every statistical disadvantage against being hurt and taken advantage of. And no one Wants to be like this. No one wants to just exist in a space as more than friends but less than "real partners" forever. And even if i really did care about someone and love them in this way, the only way I can, who am I to ask? Who am I to ask for someone else to love me in a way that is so meaningless? Would it even stop me from feeling empty inside from not being normal enough? I've idealized romance my entire life, all my characters always fall in love and it makes them better and happier and I imagined it so long but never for myself but ive thought about it so much that I feel empty without it but if I had it I would not want it. But thats what everyone else wants, and it would be selfish to ask anyone to love me in a way that isnt really love, but I want to matter I want to be cared about I dont want to go crawling back to my family out of desperate loneliness, I want someone else to rely on that isnt my mother who tells me I just need to try harder and only ever makes me feel worse when I ask for help. And I want to care about someone but I only have so much to give in certain ways, but its limited the most in the ways that you have to give most in for people to love you.

THEY PLAYED BULLETPROOF HEART WITHOUT ME??????????? WHILE I WAS BUSY AND NOT EVEN WATCHING ON STREAM??????????? FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

I hate my dad's stupid truck that he can take the roof off of. My hair is unbrushable After A Fucking Shower!!!!!

Pantheon smp AND mcr tomorrow???

i NEED my dad to stop using ai for everything oh my god