Upsweller.

That’s what my costar said

The night I lit every candle in my house

Eucalyptus diffusing and

Steaming the wrinkles out of my favorite blouse

I cleaned the bathroom even

Wiped down the handles with care

Wrote inspirational things on the mirror

For you to read in there

I threw all my mess in the closet

Straightened the art on the walls

Listed three things I love about

Myself on a trip down the hall

See my heart gets racing at the thought

Of stolen glances with you under a cloud of smoke

I like to dance don’t get me wrong

But I paid a cover charge to give you candy as a joke

My horoscope said

You had to endure years to get here

Maybe that here

And I hope you don’t write me out of this story,

As you have the tendency to do.

See I introduced you at the bar

Inside one of my safest places,

And you took that trust,

And threw it in my face.

Tell your new friends of how you met

Not in the apps, it was happens chance,

And remember to mention my name,

To not forget the first brick of your relationship foundation,

That it was me, your ex-lover, who introduced you.

I hope you think of me every fucking time.

And how you publicly and intentionally

Embarrassed, shamed, and screwed me,

At that exact same place where I said, oh meet -

I thought we were all friends

But the manipulation never ends

You can’t call me when you need me and hang me out to dry

I don’t have a single friend that would ever do what you’ve done.

Don’t forget to say my name.

When it comes to ever speaking to you,

I thought I was loving you best when I’d always roll along

With all of your plans, your dreams, learned the words to your songs.

I spilled over with yes and leaned into your love

Never quite realizing I was watching from above

The first to show you boundaries and how I try to hold them

It seems the lesson you learned was how to bend around and blame me again .

I lost sight of myself when I was loving you.

This is something I now know, still healing from heartbreak of over a year ago.

Something so beautiful now hides in the shadows

The cloud of your lies and betrayal and manipulation

Brings new pause and deep speculation.

See I thought I lost the greatest love of my life,

One

I thought I was an open book

Until someone told me I wasn’t.

Two

I can’t use my back windshield wipers

Without hearing their words, that’s wrong.

Polite kind content

My eyes glaze over and turn towards the ceiling.

Count the panels

One two three

Oh yes uh I surely agree

The words on the poster

Come on down pick a vowel

I know how many times it repeats

All the letters

I find comfort in knowing how

One two three four

All the he’s and hers and theys I’ve loved before

Five

Times a day on my commute to work I know I’m going to die in a car crash

So I memorize the license plate numbers

In case they hit and run -

SQF-246

Six more times on the way home.

Seven open scabs

That I can’t let heal

Gotta release extract save my skin

From anything uncomfortable to feels.

Eight

Eight one meal today,

Which is somehow more than most.

Nine lives I’ve given up

In despair

Having lost hope

Ten

Ten million symptoms of my OCD

I’ve got mental health

Dark

Coarse

Black Hair on my chin and I swear it wasn’t there

Before

Before you turned to dust on my dresser

And ink in my skin

Childish things once temporary

Really start to sink in.

Digging in deep

Really sink in

Remove the imperfections because it’ll be Less things for them to hate about you

So goes

my inner confessions.

I start to wonder if you’ve been reincarnated as this hair

The singular stalk on my chin

Here to haunt me

Taunt me

Against these compulsions I won’t win.

Maybe it’s grace

A gift a sign a glorious marker that YES

Life does go on

There’s magic out there somewhere

Bending over and nearly breaking

I swear

It’s the last time

It’s never the last time

I keep thinking of you when the sun comes up

When the clouds roll in

When the tides are high

I keep thinking of you when the sun goes down

When the waves crash on

When the moon is looming

And you

Reach for me

And I reach back

It’s a tragedy that we won’t match

You’re my dream queen

And you’re thinking of her

I’m not sure what’s worse

You lied to me

And manipulated me

Again.

And sighing your name in your ear.

The way your hand fit right into mine

Seemed to dissolve all my fear.

Thing weren’t perfect and I miss that too

The fusses, and make ups, the way

We could talk things through. My

Arms are outstretched for days.

The slope of your shoulders and

Those freckles that come out in the sun,

A constellation across your lips

Just a touch to know you’re the one.

Our roots got tangled and it seems

We strangled each other out

I celebrate your solo growth now

Wishing I was next to you rather than without.

I thought we pushed each other

Up towards the sun and light

Different but together

To you it wasn’t right.

I yearn for your love and your lust

Your deepest friendship and biggest fan

To be the one by your side,

And I’ll be the only one who notices.

I need to disappear and run away

But there is no where to go.

I feel unheard and alone. Those two are some of my most dark places. It opens a scary door. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I don’t want to do any of these things or fall in love again just to be broken hearted. What happened to Thatcher? We had names for the kids we never had and now you don’t want them and now it’s all over. The cracks in our relationship have been exposed.

I’m going to lose everything. My world is burnt to nothing now. Ashes to ashes.