trying to try

Which door will you choose?

Арт, который я рисовала ещё до выхода 4 серии.

Everything we have learned about Anthony throughout My Student Spirit points us towards the inevitability of his actions in the season two finale. Despite this, I have witnessed my fair share of confusion or disavowal of his character. In other words, I am back on my crap again!

We are shown early on that Anthony has been “missing” — abandoning the Diplomator persona without looking back. “Where is our hero?” He is dead, a mask worn by two. One has suffered a bodily death, the other a spiritual one. His true voice has been robbed, tuned only to speak out the words that others want to hear from him. Perhaps his grief would have been treated as overdramatic by those around him, “you hardly knew him anyway, so what's the big deal?”. The secret nature of their partnership only continues to breed secrecy. In any case, it is not unreasonable to assume that he has never faced his misery head-on. Unlike Elisa, who eventually gets the chance to confront her feelings thanks to Dmitry’s meddling, Anthony has had no such chance before his near-death experience. 

My Student Spirit is not only about Elijah learning the truth behind his fate. It is about the ugly ways that grief over his passing surfaces; the hatred between his parents, the resentment of his sister, the guilt of his beloved. Grief, too, is its own form of death. Anthony has been frozen in time, a puppet to play out the role given to him by family members and then collapse on the floor once he is out of sight. 

The ways in which Anthony blames himself are subtle; the softening of his voice as he begins to shout at Dmitry over something pointless, profound relief at the prospect that Elijah did not take his own life. He never stops being charismatic and shining as brilliantly as the stars, but in quiet moments, he is a wandering stray looking longingly to his past. One can see how exhausted he has grown long before he confesses it aloud. Blood-covered hands are a heavy burden to bear. His march forward through time has been merciless, after all, Anthony never even got the opportunity to say goodbye. He had not found out about Elijah’s funeral until going to visit him, quite possibly to apologize for their earlier argument — by then, he was already too late. Surely, he wishes that their final exchange had not been an argument. 

Even time cannot heal such regrets. 

And then Anthony, who has lived a life firmly planted in reality since his feeble dreams of causing change died along with Elijah, comes face to face with the same monster. I do not see him as a believer in the supernatural. We know that he was watching the episode of Psychic Battles with skepticism based on the language he uses when confronting Dmitry, most likely only tuning in because of its subject. It is reasonable to believe that he did not understand the consequences of refusing to let go.

“Grief drags the soul back to earth, and it must go.”

Finally — Anthony gets the thing he was so certain could fix it all, the thing he wanted to do but never could. Let's talk. It was the thing he should've done long before, and set out to do too late. Let's talk. This, too, is torn away from him. It was torn away from the living Elijah by his untimely death. It was torn away from the spirit of Elijah when Dmitry fell into the open grave. Again, it is stolen as he is revived just as he has finally laid eyes upon the form of the one he pushed away. You can see the agony in Anthony's face. A few moments is not nearly long enough to say goodbye to your dearest. Elijah has lived out a thousand goodbyes, but Anthony has been robbed of his. Grief becomes desperation. He grabs on — grief drags the soul down to earth. 

👀👀👀👀👀