no matter how many times I reach for the phone, how many notifications my heart lurches at, my hands rush to check, I will not find love within the walls of this device. i will check a text within seconds of recieving it and thank my anxiety for not letting me stay away from it. then proceed to pace myself, stall my response, they shouldn't know, just how much you're yearning for any love you can squeeze out of those texts, those posts, those memes. 'im thinking of you' 'i think you'll find this funny' 'i have something to share' 'i have a question'. but no matter how much love seeps out of those notifications, they're never in the hue you desire. you're ungratefulness reminds you also to feel guilty, for wanting more. for wanting hues of red, passionate red. I've seen all of you and want to continue to watch you with amusement and take your hand in mine to remind you all is okay and lay a blanket on you when you've fallen asleep and stroke your hair and brush your cheek and place a kiss on your forehead. because while there are days where yellow and purple and pink and white hues of love are endearing, but there are days when they just wouldn't match up to the reds.
27th July, 11:38 pm.
