Raiko Diary

Rai

For a few weeks now I have been back in his arms and by his side but I didn’t wrote about it because I was afraid that it was all just a dream and when I wake up his really far away. I was afraid that it was all an illusion and I finally crack and became delirious from being apart from him but finally, finally! I can finally say...IT’S ALL OVER. Yes it’s over; the sadness, the depression, the act and the darkness are ALL OVER. The lights has finally come back because we’re together. My yearning for him has never stopped but that’s only natural when you love the person. You would always want him and need him even though he’s just right beside you. I’m glad it’s finally over and I’m happy that whenever I open my eyes I see him right by my side.

From all this darkness I made

It's hard when depression wins over everything. It's worse than loneliness or sadness cause it's the mixture of both and more. And you know it's worse because you know you're succeeding on pretending that you're fine. The laughter, smiles and jokes are all part of the act to hide the darkness in your heart and you know it's working cause they're believing it but you can't stop cause you need to be strong for him. You can't stop cause you know it'll make him worse. You need to pretend to be happy for his sake so he won't be like you. You don't want him to be like you cause you need him strong and you want him strong. If he's strong you're  strong and you know he's  the only one that can keep you sane even if you know at some point you won't be able to hear him for a while. Even if you know you won't see him for a while still you need to be strong and act so everything will be alright. Even if all along your longing kills you inside. One thing I’m certain of though, I was a little happy whenever I get a chance to talk to him, see him and message him. That is all.

Dear my lil' Boss, This is not a diary entry but a letter for you. On my last diary entry I might have felt the urge to leave but now that I have it I regretted ever writing it and feeling like that. I feel like hell knowing you're not here to hold me, secure me, kiss me and love me. It's true what they say "Through lost will you only appreciate the importance of your lost." Now I'm leaving again and you might not see me for awhile but my love remember that being with you is one of the greatest achievements in my life. I will see you soon and feel you once more in every possible way. Be strong for me, take care of yourself so when I see you, you have enough strength and force to love me ;). When we meet again will be the moment we will pledge our love to God. I love you and I miss you sooo much! Take care for yourself cause next time I'll take care of you. Mwah Love Your Life,

Dear my lil' Boss, This is not a diary entry but a letter for you. On my last diary entry I might have felt the urge to leave but now that I have it I regretted ever writing it and feeling like that. I feel like hell knowing you're not here to hold me, secure me, kiss me and love me. It's true what they say "Through lost will you only appreciate the importance of your lost." Now I'm leaving again and you might not see me for awhile but my love remember that being with you is one of the greatest achievements in my life. I will see you soon and feel you once more in every possible way. Be strong for me, take care of yourself so when I see you, you have enough strength and force to love me ;). When we meet again will be the moment we will pledge our love to God. I love you and I miss you solo much! Take care for yourself cause next time I'll take care of you. Mwah Love Your Life,

At this point of time in our relationship I know I shouldn't feel like this but why do I feel like this? This past few days I try and try to fight the urge to leave. You could say I’m starting to sound like a walker but as hard as I try and as much as I don’t want to say it our relationship is starting to feel like my last relationship. The bad thing about that is I have a bad relationship at my last, which is exactly why I left him for a new one. Now I’m feeling the same thing. Is it normal for boys to be insensitive and not understanding? I think not cause my brother is a guy, and a man at that too, and he’s not like that. Well maybe my brother has a bit of an advantage than him cause he knows me longer than him. Anyways I hate this feeling and I can’t shake it. I just wanna go somewhere that he can’t go. I wanna meet new people, new girls, new guys and let loose. I wanna be happy again and I feel that he can’t give it to me at this point cause of his moody issue. Ugh, why feel like this? WHY!!!??? ANYWAYS gotta go. Need some sleep. Tomorrow’s a new day. Leaving with a big SIGH.

So shut up and look at me I won't be leaving you... Making up these confusing love story

Being far away from home and staying with the person you love is bliss or it should be. I don't and didn't say I have the perfect relationship. Everything has its ups and downs because that’s what makes a relationship last and when we are on our ups it’s such a bliss that I remember I fell in-love to him in the first place. Time goes by and things change. I'm the type of girl who doesn't like change so much and if the environment around me or even myself change then that change is usually a smart choice but when it comes to my relationship I don't like change so much. That moment when the two of you get so used to each other’s warmth that you started to think that it’s okay to be a little too comfortable that you become a boring couple. I hate that. That is the type of relationship that I don’t want but my lover just doesn't see that. Anyways that’s not really why I wanted to write in my diary today though that’s one of the reason why I started to feel this way. As I said being far away from home makes me homesick but I don’t miss my mom or her violent husband though I miss my little brother sooo much. For me my true and only home is my real father’s side and that’s what I’m homesick about. I miss seeing his face. I miss his delicious fried chicken that he cooks whenever I crave it and it becomes our breakfast, lunch, dinner and midnight snack. I miss how he scratch my back to put me to sleep. I miss how he introduce me to everyone he knows as if he’s the proudest and happiest father alive. I miss how he smiles and how I ran to him every time he comes home. I miss his strong, rough and big hands. I miss how big and tall he is that I I could intertwine my hand to his arm and when I hug him he’s so soft. I miss him so much and I’m homesick for him - my father or as I like to call him my Abe. 

There are times when I just wanna kill him for who he is and there are times that I just wanna kiss him all day for exactly who he is but I guess that’s what you call love. There are things we hate and love about a person and those things keeps us on our toes. He’s over-protectivness, snobbish at times, easily irritated and edgy when-we-go-out side makes me hate him cause it is so irritating and irrational sometimes that it gets to the point where I think that it’s better if we live apart but I can’t say that I blame him for who he is I mean I’m not perfect nor am I like the girls he used to date. My taste are different, I do random and weird shit, I’m not girly, I’m one of the bros, I talk too much, I’m dominant and I repeat the same question 10x before I’m satisfied just to be very sure - so I can’t blame him for who he is cause he can’t blame me for who I am but for who he is, is exactly the reason why I’m head-over-heels for him. He’s sweet, he’s funny, he’s gentle, he’s kind, he’s caring, he tries to give and treat me like a queen cause he’s my king (Even though I hate to be a queen cause I’d rather be a king -_-), he thinks of me, he’s techy, he’s a nerdy gamer, he’s a bad boy but a good boy too, he’s hot and he knows more things in the house than I do. As for me, I know he know’s I will give, do and give-up everything for him. I will also fight for him, care for him, think about him, love him and make him smile as much as I can cause it’s him that I want. I will stay with him as long as I can and we both know that we want forever. He may not be perfect but he’s perfect for me. They say you shouldn’t revolve your world around a man but I say it’s okay if he’s doing the same thing,  I hope he is doing the same thing. I’m not doubting he’s loyalty and honesty but you’ll never know unless the other person say it sincerly. Anyways that’s it. Nyty nyt.

They say fears should be conquered and monsters should be killed but as for me, I have never experience such things. I have to be used to the fact that monsters and fears are my allies and not my enemies, which is why it came to the point that I have skeletons in my closet. I didn’t intend for it to happen but I have to if you lived in a home full of puppet masters. Ever since i left the comfort of my home and lived in the comfort of puppet masters I was forced to shut up and man up. I was raised to act and speak like how they want me to and if I complain I get the whips and canes of pain but not all in my life was horrible, there are good ones too like my friends that I call my family. Even though I have the comfort of my friends they can never save me from who I am and what I have become, a monster hiding in the light. In front of my relatives I have to act like the perfect little princess with a good heart and a white soul because if I don’t my puppet masters will pull my strings hard and painful. With my friends I can act a little bit like me but not fully me because if I do they will misunderstand and I will look like the bad guy so in the end I only have myself and my monsters to be with. My monsters understands my pain while my fears lets me be who I am and slowly they both consume me until unconsciously darkness surrounds me and I have become a dark king behind a useless white princess puppet. My words are soft and gentle but my mind is dark and self hating. What makes me sane? It’s my heart that has never been tainted and lets the REAL light in, which is why even though I’m surrounded by the dark there’s still a few glow in my hell and they are my friends, my faith and him. Thanks to the three of them I could be sane and feel safe.

Slowly as the night sinks in and the darkness covers us I realize that the spark that I have been longing and we lost returns at night but somehow it feels wrong for me. He says it’s cause of the heat that’s why he can’t be sweet but is that really the reason why we lose the spark when morning comes? I’m not really sure why is that or maybe I’m just reading too much into it or maybe I just miss him in the morning cause he could be so irritatingly snobbish but whatever it is all I could say is I hope I’m just imaging things and it’s really the heat that causes this all cause if I’m right then I’d probably be hurt in the end. Though I know he means well and he loves me so that’s why whatever he does to me I just can’t hate him but that doesn’t mean I can’t get off mood or be sad about it. Hmmm anyways I guess that’s it. Nyty nyt I guess.

Deciding to stay with him was my idea. I chose him over a few men out there cause he chose me over a million ladies out there. And now I am in a position where I’m re-thinking everything. It’s not that I want to go back to the arms that nurtured me cause I never wanna go back to those awful people but as the days goes by he’s normal life is getting more and more complicated because of me and the only one to blame is me. I can’t blame him for over-thinking as much as he can’t blame me either. He used to have this normal easy life but I came into the picture and he  suddenly has to grow up but I’m not saying we’re young like 13 or 14 or kids still in our highschool years cause we’re adults in the right age. We’re on our 20′s and still counting. Some people say I sacrificed too much for this love of mine but I say we both sacrificed and still sacrificing too much for our love. Now as the days goes by I’m starting to notice a few things too that wasn’t there before, which makes me more stress and pressured but my friends says it’s normal cause that’s what happen when your relationship gets older. I am a naive girl when it comes to love, I have been hurt so many times but I still believe in forever and spark, which is absurd in the generation now - I know but I can’t help it cause that’s me. The spark between him and me I just don’t feel it anymore: is it due to worries and pressure that we both feel from the people who nurtured me once or are my friends right? That we’re just becoming an older couple and that’s why things are not the same anymore? Because of this I sometimes feel like i just don’t belong in his world anymore though I certainly belong in his arms - that I at least know. Cause of my decision to change my path - the world I built for myself now crashed and burned. Now I’m struggling, at lost and scared if I will ever get back on track. On the place that I used to call my home.