Rae

this is a rant account, i talk about my trauma and some dark themes soo.... yeah, there's the warning

i hate everything so much, i hate the government, i hate the pain it brings, i hate and love humanity. i hate that i became what I was scared of.

today was day 2 of first car shopping which has been fun. but also im older than normal first car shopping since i went to a college with good public transit. which day 1 sucked, day 2 got better in certain ways. the biggest thing is i want leather seats and its a strong preference because im a clean freak and i want seats that are easy to clean. i want to tell my rl friends but one of them is scared of cars, another is too busy to bother over something so trivial, and the rest havent spoke with me in a while. my family just got back from a work trip. For the first time ever, im wanting her to leave again faster. She confessed something to me and it was something ive joked about for years but now that its real i feel sick. Car is step one to moving out but i don't know what i want to do and I'm lying to everyone so that i feel like i have some purpose to them and I'm not useless. i want to run away, far away but i don't think even if i run anywhere will accept me. this is just one big rant for no one but me.

dont know why but theres something with being so overstimulated and not knowing why and trying to explain and no one listens and then your just ansy

recently it's turned to where i can't even shop at the grocery store without being overstimulated and i think i just realized that maybe it's because i shop better alone and with headphones on

when life got me like... to drink or not to drink that is the question

ive been watching a lot of studio ghibli recently and like the thing is i love that like it doesn't wrap up with a pretty bow at the end. my favorite so far is kiki but like at the end things go unresolved and that's okay. the first time watching it, i felt like i was left unsatisfied but life never really closes like it does in movies

when your trying not to take over the plans because when you do people always complain but no one is making the plans

ngl like not only am i having my life crisis but also like why is it that even if i had my head on straight i can't feel comfortable in my own county. like i love my family, i love my area, but also i want to have a family and for many many reasons i don't find that safe in the US. like having a kid means i might die because of not getting proper treatment so the kid could live, it means putting the kid through school and worrying every day. why the fuck would i want to start a family in the worst place possible. i want a family so ive decided that I'll have to move away to do that. but my responsibility to my family is here, the things i love are here but still i can't be happy here. there is no way for me to have a happy future here. so shout out to whatever country I'm moving to next

i was asked some questions about my ex religion and it's weird because like even when i was apart of it i was never a good one. like even when i identified with the religion, i argued with the leaders, i never read the book, i barely passed the religion classes. hell as a kid i hated it so much that the money i made from my first job to try to pay off the classes so i could quit. i could barely answer any of their questions and when i told them just one thing that had happened just to my father they were horrified. the best part is theyre a different branch of the same religion. there's few people i really hate but the catholic church is one of them

no one can stop me if i run away from everything. at least not if im good at it

....now what?