radz

Thus, I believe to have acquired a friend with the loudest laughs, weirdest thoughts, tightest hugs and the one I can lean on with no doubts. She, turns out to be more than a friend, to be flirtatious- she ma wife, to be real- my comfort space. With who I can share my thoughts and they won't be put in a forth to be judged and analyzed, rather be accepted and embraced. She's many things to me- mother who cares, friend who trusts, sister that fights and..(mommy? hehe :p )

It's the way even in our anger and arguments at the end of the day we're still friends. We still love and care and trust and stay. Its the way you hug me when I cry and the way at times you make sure i don't cry. Its the way you baby me the most, it's the way we "khikhikhi" through the day, its the way every sentence turns into a pickup line, its the way we disagree and fight, and it's the way we still leave pecks on each others cheeks. And thats just the way we love each other.

As well as the joy I get clicking your pictures can't be matched. The perfect meme, the most beautiful halo, the prettiest smile - I want all of it captured and allowed to leave me confused of which picture should I delete and end up keeping all of them as it is. Trust me, randomly scrolling through those photos bring a smile on my face, but don't ask why I didn't text.. ehm ehm

Anywahh

You have many things that I admire. How you see the world, how talented you are, how bold decisions you make, and how could anyone ever create something this prettier. I can't ever stop admiring all those qualities of yours and how proud that make me of you.

You might be crazy and loud and a bitch (rather you know you are hehe) but that's how I want you always - crazy, loud, a bitch and my dearest friend. And through all the disasters and disagreements, I promise to have our friendship in our heart and be there, always <3

Why? I don't know. So may thoughts in my mind. Can I sort them? No. Questions Questions Questions I have answer to any? I don't know. Simply unexplainable, how the quiet and dark numbs the brain yet it doesn't rest. It's going on n on n on with all the memories I don't wish to remember and all the tasks I need to do tomorrow but still it's blank. Blank like a void. Is this what they call peace? I dont know.

I love her so much that I can't explain why and how and for what. Because even I never thought about them. HER was enough of a reason to love her.

She is my friend. Someone I know only from past a year but I won't lie she feels closer to me than anyone. With her I'm nothing different, not trying to be anything good or bad or nice, I'm just me. I speak what I want and do what I want and there she is- gets me without an explanation. But how selfish of me to only love her for how she makes me feel comfortable and at home.

Well, who said I just loved her for that? I love her for all the kindness she has filled within. I love her for her thoughts and heart. For her smile and eyes. For her words and actions. I love her for all she is as a human and that is so precious to me. What ever she has gone through, she has come out strong and bold, but the little child still rests within.

And when today she let out the words "you are the first person I'm telling this to" I felt both happy and sad. Happy for the fact she see as a trustworthy person, someone close to her she didn't felt the hesitation to vent, didn't felt the need to hide. Yet, sad for the fact I had to be the first and till today she met no one who she could share her feelings or situations to and had to carry all of them alone.

She is someone I look up to. I hope my dear friend you live a happy, healthy and satisfied life. You get everything thing doubled than you give. Let life give us lots n lots of chances to be with each other on lazy Tuesday mornings and late midnight snack session. Lots of getting ready together and so many films to make, just the way we promised! :)

Me, as a person, who thinks pretending to be detached, would make me detached, is quite a stupid thing to practice. Because I want to understand that you are busy, you can't cut out time for me, you have other friends- you call just as special as you call me. I want to understand that you were late because of traffic and not because you probably forgot you had to meet me. I want to understand that, it's me who always makes plans because you have a packed schedule, and it's fine.

But that little angry, attached, clingy child in me makes me lash out the moment I hear these words. Why can't I expect you to be there on my birthday just the way you were at your other friends? Wasn't I closer to you than them? Or is it that I aint a worthy enough person for you to have your time alloted for me [Time for me, because YOU want to, not because I asked you]

Forgive me for being this type of a friend, but all I want is to just know I still hold that one little corner in your heart. Do I? Do I not? Promise, I'll become a person who understands, accepts and stays detached, I'm practicing I promise. But, your time is all I expect.

Why do I keep hearing the 'don't expect from people'? I believe it's pure nonsense. Who doesn't expect? We all expect. Expect from each other's, from strangers to act good. We expect children to be disciplined, we expect elders to be hard-working. We expect partners to be loyal, and expect friends to present.

The time dosent stop, there aren't any violins playing in the background and he won't always end up being THE ONE. And I hate to ever come out of the little bubble, my little world where I am living just as perfect as any other beautiful girl. I'm happy and I have a man who is there for me like every men in the films.

I have expectations, I do but from myself. I believe I'm never good enough for any guy (Ofc I aint good) but don't I even deserve a chance? I might overcome my dreams of having the guy from screens, but then could I have someone for me? Just me? Some one solely mine to have. It aint easy? I know it quite well but this silly mind of mine never tries finding the courage to hold itself, hold myself together.

Somewhat my heart always ends giving up the effort to collect myself, join in my own peices, be my own reason to smile, my own hope and friend and love; yet here I am, begging the universe to have someone else to be there as a solution to my own life. How weak of me. How selfish of me. Yes, selfish. Selfish to want someone else to carry my burdens, someone else to constantly be there to listen to me talk, someone else to hold my hand and walk me across problems.

But isn't this what the guy in the film does? Am I selfish? Or weak? Or, for not getting any guy, am I ugly? What am I, that would make people choose me? What will I ever become, for me to be worth someones time to pursue?

For me, I wouldn't in my dreams ever want my partner to be like him, the man- who ruined my mother's, sisters and my life.

Why would he act in such a manner? Why would he say those words? Didn't he ever think about the young smiling girl he married to, who is now reduced to just a machine that comes home from work with a single question, "what do I cook today?"

Did he never think of us? The way tears build up in our eyes everytime he raises his voice? Weren't those tears enough to make you realize you were hurting us?

So many questions on my mind, I can't think straight. I sit in a quite room, blaming the universe to ever make my mother meet him. Blaming the universe to suppress her dreams and potential under a man's ego, selfishness, and frustration- towards his life and his own ugly self.

And would I be crazy to ever ask for such a man as my partner. But the envy envelopes me. Did I not deserve having a father who will set the standard, who will treat me like his little princess? What did I do bad to deserve this monster in the house, obliged to call him father?

What would I be without all the love in me?

The love I have for the abandoned, the love I have for the betrayed, the love I have for the wronged, the bad, the ugly, and love for everyone who deserves it, perhaps, even for those who don't.

But why isn't this love enough to love myself?

Why do I look in the mirror and find a stranger in it with hate filled eyes darted towards me and every gaze feels like a threat to my happiness? Is my love only to make other feel the warmth of a mother's embrace while I'm left behind with cold hands?

Even the love in me gets heavy to carry sometimes.

All that remains of me,

is just flesh and rotting bones.

Shackles weighing me down to the ground

as I sit in an abandoned cage.

Botflies devouring my cover,

inside which sits my heart, soundly asleep.

Tied up, it never beats;

for if set free, it'll run to you.

Breaking promises of never returning to your sight,

crossing oceans and deserts, it'll run to you.

My selfish heart, apathetic to the world, in some way trying to reach you.

Yet, sorrow bleeds as the dream endures - neglected and gradually demolished.

But fragments of hope have survived untouched,

The actors return back to who they were but..But the play they performed, it's beauty never leaves their mind. Every scene and every dailouge they still remember by heart but again useless to as they can't get back on stage. The music still playing in their head as they remove the makeup, back to original digesting the fact the music slowly fades, it's the last stanza playing and you can't do nothing but let go of it.

The words spiral around my brain and ideas sit, patiently awaiting their chance to be out. But what's wrong with me? How can I be so full of everything yet nothing? Does every thought in my mind has to go through criteria to be put down on paper and not its mere existence be enough? Why discriminate with letters? Whether they tightly hug you or tenderly rip you apart, don't they all deserve to breathe, seek the sun?

I was his home, he said.

Is it that easy to move out?

To pack everything and wave goodbye.

But careless as you always are,

You left behind your cologne.

And now I've sprayed it all over the house,

feeling you again, this time a little longer

But it’s ending.

The liquid gently escapes into thin air,

The smell's leaving, and I've shut the windows.

'I couldn't stop you, I need to stop your scent,' I say to myself.

But it's yours after all,

It also had to fade, little by little.

Wasn't I your home? I whisper.

Yet I open the door.

Keep it open for your visits someday.

And after your visit, I hope,

like how careless you always are,

you leave behind your cologne.