Rachel.

Yup.

So I thought I'd do a quick post seeing as I have neglected this blog for a few weeks! The diet is better than it was which is great and my appetite seems to have shrunk with working such long hours which is also fab! And I swear by this; once you're used to snacking on good food like fruit and veg, it stops the need completely to snack on crap. It's great. Also remembering to drink a lot of green tea at work helps. For someone with such an unstable relationship with food, keeping my mouth busy with green tea in various flavours makes the cravings for food subside. But the main improvement at the moment is physically, I feel tonnes fitter after starting hockey again and I'm really quite looking forward to going to the gym tomorrow after work and putting the treadmill to the test! Struggled running for 3-4 minutes this time three weeks ago, so I'm looking forward to seeing an actual visual display of how my fitness has come along in that time frame. Although I know not much has reeeaaaally changed, I do feel a bit better about my body; when my legs are aching and stiff from training it makes me feel so good. I just have off days / hours where I want to chop limbs off sometimes because of how repulsive I find them. I know literally nobody finds this shit interesting so I know I won't get any replies but for me, it's just a way to vent. Come on bikini body, come to me.

I don't know how legitimate this is or how famous a runway these ladies were on, but either way I am ecstatic to see this on my timeline! A great step in the right direction for positive body image and body equality. Absolute gorgeous women, congratulations and thank you! 💜

So just a quick update on my week! Several things have gone well for me. For starters, I've felt good about myself all week, hooray! But here's some other highlights; - Hockey season has finally started again! Joined a brand new team and met a whole new set of people who are absolutely fabulous, and I cannot wait to train every Wednesday and play some games on Saturdays! I always end up losing weight when it comes to hockey season and it's great that I've finally found a hobby I actually WANT to pursue. I've been to the gym a couple of times this week as well, so my exercise routine has bumped up a lot, and I'm going to try and maintain this! 💪🏼 - I told my boyfriend how much I weigh, even though I am devilishly embarrassed about it. That was a huge step for me in this weight loss journey, because the only people who knew what I weighed prior to Jordan were my Mum and Dad; the two people I know will never judge me. It may not seem like a huge deal to many people, but personally I've always found it difficult to reveal that information to someone. A lot of the time it's met with the reaction of "really? You weigh that much? It doesn't look like you do", and I never know whether this is a compliment or not. Either way, Jordan responded with nothing but support and I thank and appreciate him 2000% more for that. What a cutie patootie. These two positives in the past few days are also matched with negatives though! Although my meals have been relatively healthy, I've still managed to fit in two pizzas and some cake in there somewhere (I blame Jordan, what a feeder!). I know though that losing weight is not a matter of simply not eating these things. It's a hell of a lot harder than that, especially when your willpower is as limp as lettuce. There are many obstacles to overcome and it's going to be tricky at times. I feel like I'm at a stage now where I can really begin to limit the amount of shit that is entering my body though, so next week I endeavour to not eat takeaway whatsoever and not eat anything remotely related to chocolate. That's the goal for the week. I've also not managed to weigh myself this week as I've been so busy but I shall be doing this tomorrow. Hoping for a 2lb loss, although I do understand that those pizzas may have affected it. Anyway, have a good few days and I'll write again soon.

I've decided I'm going to start writing this blog on issues to do with body image (mainly my own) and to write a commentary on my quest to finally reach happiness and satisfaction in my own body. Just as a quick summary as to why I have chosen to write on this topic for the next few months, I'm not happy with the way my body looks, just like millions of other young women in the world. I haven't felt happy with my body for many years and it wasn't until this time last year that I decided to try and make a change. In September 2014 I was really down in the dumps and I managed to lose around 1 and a half stone by the middle of November. I was absolutely thrilled and I had never felt more beautiful, even though I still wanted to lose that little bit more weight. Now I know that some people will say it's saddening that my weight can have such an effect on my happiness; in a way I agree - I wish I could simply feel fine with the way my reflection seems to oddly stare back at me. But I won't ever feel 'fine' until I'm at that point where I can say 'I hit my target weight and I feel sexy as FUCK' Anyway. Many things happened after November's weigh in. I finished my degree, found a full time job, had a lot of failed friendships and felt the full force of the social pressure to succeed all within the space of a few months. It got to me bad, and somehow I slowly directed myself away from the healthy stuff and the gym again, and reverted back to the cracker loving, chocolate destroying pizza machine I was before. I had put on just under what I had lost. It feels like a steep and nauseating yoyo. And now, in September 2015 (what is it about Septembers that make me so motivated?!), I feel the need for change again. I'm slowly beginning to feel that dark cloud over my head again whenever I pass a mirror or a spectacularly clean shop window. At every chance I get, I am poking a bit of flab on my tummy or pulling repulsed faces at myself. I'm starting to believe that every compliment I receive is a lie, and it's all one big loophole I do not wish to return to. A place where you're unhappy with your body is a terribly lonely and frightening place, because your friends and family tell you one thing, shop sizes tell you another, society expects something else and then all the while you're stood there in your underwear squeezing the bits of fat above your hips thinking "why can I not just have the body that I want?" I'm determined this time. Nothing is gonna stop me in my tracks again. I WILL get the body I have desired for so many years. Everytime I mention I'm dieting or going to the gym, there's usually a snigger; "yeah yeah rach", or, "oh, again?" and this time, rather than retaliating I'm going to just ignore it and continue. I've lost weight before and I can do it again, and I have so many reasons to want to fit into super cute dresses, and to want to look good naked. I've met a Guy who I'm really starting to get close to and I've never had a boyfriendwho respects and loves who and what I am and what I do with absolutely no conditions or exceptions (even the wobble of my bum and the jiggle of my legs and the way in which I'm a bit of a pain in the arse after a drink). I graduate in November, and having flabby arms or chubby cheeks in my photographs is my worst nightmare. I'm hopefully going on holiday with said Guy, and rather than covering my bikini body with a kimono, I wanna show that shit off so my boyfriend can turn around and be like "yeah that's right ladies and gents, she's mine" So prepare for updates on how my diet adventure is going. I'm going to try and post once a day, if not, at least four times a week. As a writer, even something as simple as writing this blog post is intensely satisfying and therapeutic. I suddenly feel a little bit more positive. Just as a side note, I'm about to start reading Skinny, by Diana Spechler. After reading Bad Feminist by Roxane Gay, I was eager to purchase the novel and have a think about its message. This particular quote on its blurb persuaded me to read it: "Skinny illuminated a young woman's struggle to make sense if the link between hunger and emotion, and to make peace with her demons, her body, and herself". Even though I haven't read the book yet, I feel as though it's already speaking on my level. I do want to lose weight and be a bit slimmer, but at the same time I want that self confidence and belief in myself to think, fuck what others think about me, I've made peace with who I am, and I love every inch of me. Speak to you in a few days tumblr!

Very much looking forward to seeing one of my favourite plays in theatre in September! Courtesy of my mum and dad for my 21st! Love them 💜 #theatre #shakespeare #crucible #sheffield #romeoandjuliet #starcrossdlovers

My grandad was very kind to buy me these two to introduce me to Terry Pratchett's Discworld series. First two books of a series I've always wanted to start so very grateful and excited! #terrypratchett #pratchett #discworld #thecolourofmagic #thelightfantastic

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My completed Creative Writing Project.

Also this was my setup tonight. Hours of reading so that I have something useful to put into my commentary! Deadline is Monday and I'm feeling confident :-)

That BEAUTIFUL old book smell. In love with this complete works I found in the university library.