survivor mode

Joey knew from the moment her brow creased ever so slightly, he was in trouble. He’d messed up. That was the thing though, as much as he hated it, he was still that self-destructive kid from Queens with the chip on his shoulder. Even now in the face of his best friend, of a girl who’d welcomed him with opened arms and made him feel like he had a home, there was still doubt. It was small- tiny, microscopic- but a part of him still felt like he wasn’t worth her time. That’d she’d rather spend it with Keith. It wasn’t true and he knew that but sometimes he just… Maybe that’s why he couldn’t bring himself to make it into a joke or confess it had just been a misunderstanding. Something he and Isabel had done because they were both dateless. It’d gotten out of control, he was embarrassed but everything was cool now, right? Rachel wouldn’t at all wonder why, right? It wouldn’t open a can of tumultuous, unrequited feelings and awkward confessions, right? Joey swallowed, his throat dry. Damn it.

“Hey…,” he said it softly, forcing himself to breathe, to smile at her like he always did. Maybe even more. “It wasn’t some big secret, I swear.” Nope, he had enough of a time keeping his feelings for her secret nevermind anyone else, thank you very much. “We, uh, we were just friends, y'know? Then this whole prom thing came up and it all just happened really fast. It’s super new but, uh, we’re trying it out. Dating. We like each other so, yeah. Yeah, right? Dating,” okay, now please stop talking— “Besides, this is a good thing, right? Because you’re dating Keith-,” he smiled wider (maybe too wide), “And I’m dating Isabel. We could- We could go on a double date! We could go on a triple date even. I mean, you saw how organised Cooper was with the whole limo thing and he and Juliette seem swell…” Kill me now. He dared to really look at her now, in the rare quiet of his ramblings. In his heart of hearts, he wanted to see something- anything- that might indicate that… Hell, he didn’t know. That maybe she didn’t want to date Keith? Or maybe she’d thought about him that? He looked away, too scared of the truth, too scared his own truth was shining through these ridiculous lies. How could there be anyone else, huh? “I’m sorry though, Rach. I guess I caught up in it for a sec. Clearly I’m not good at this whole, uh, ‘normal teen’ thing, I don’t know. We… We’re good though?” His voice had become a little quieter then though and he felt like he was holding his breath. Of all the things he couldn’t lose, she was it. “I mean, I— I need you.”

Beneath the hum of the music, Rachel might have noticed the steady thrum of rain falling on top of the roof, small cascades dancing on the pavement outside, wrapping them and everyone else at the party in their own pocket of time. She didn’t notice it though, because every part of her was focused so deeply on the boy in front of her, on her best friend who she felt like for a moment she couldn’t recognize. She studied the deep brown of his eyes, the curve of his jawline, the gentle curl of the dark lock of hair that escaped the bun he wore and framed his face. Rachel was built for studying, for putting pieces together and quickly assessing a problem, an assignment. But people were different, and Joey was more important to her than most. As hard as she tried, she couldn’t figure out what was missing, what she’d gotten wrong. His smile helped bring her back, helped ground her, and his voice tried to convince her it wasn’t something he’d tried to hide from her. “Right... Right, so it’s just... new,” she repeated, trying to wrap her head around it. Except Joey wasn’t spontaneous with feelings, with people, and it wouldn’t quite add up. “No, yeah, that’s... that’s a really good thing, that’s so nice for you guys—” Instinctively, with the care he put in his voice, her hand reached to touch his arm. And then he mentioned Keith, and though he wore a bigger smile, it felt like he was driving something between them, and she retracted her hand. “You, uh, really want to go on a double date with me and Keith?” she asked, her voice hesitant, unsure because she could have guessed that’d be one of the last things he’d want. A knot felt like it was forming in her stomach, making her breath uncomfortable, her mouth a tight-lipped smile. Rachel wanted so badly to understand, but he wouldn’t even look at her now and she couldn’t help but feel lost. And frighteningly, like maybe this was the beginning of her losing him. But then he spoke again, voice softer, giving apologies and those worries began to melt away.

I need you.

If Joey didn’t know any better, he might have thought that she was acting weird. He knew for a fact he didn’t smell or anything (he’d even worn cologne - very sparingly of course, just a spritz) so there was really no obvious reason for her pulling away from him like she’d been burned. Of course Joey didn’t have time to dwell on that. Oh no, he was way too busy throwing gasoline onto the fire. Judging from her reaction, it had been a hell of alotta gasoline. Crap. Joey opened and closed his mouth again. He definitely, under no circumstances, should say out loud to his Rach- to his best friend, that he was dating Isabel. It was too far, too much. He couldn’t take a lie like that back. Could he? But… And there it was. That selfishness. The selfish part of him that had reared its ugly, hopeful head at the way she’d pulled back, at the way she said ‘dating’ about a hundred octaves too high. It was impossible. There was no way that Rachel Gates was jealous. That- That was too much for him to even think about right now. He should laugh, say it was all some big, ridiculous joke that got outta hand. Everything would be okay if he just managed to keep his big mouth shut. But. The way she was looking at him- intense, expectant, questioning- he couldn’t help liking it, just a little. The idea that he might actually be the one she was thinking about like- like— Rachel is with Keith. “We’re dating.” Shit. “Isabel and me are dating. We- Yup.”

There was pop music blaring from the living room, something synthetic and vibrant with a bass line that even all the way in their secluded hallway beat a steady rhythm through Rachel’s chest. She was never a partier, never one to get lost in a song and in a crowd, but right now, she wished that she was. She wished she could throw part of the person she was away, and could find herself dancing in slow motion, throwing her head and her hair back, feeling nothing but teenage elation and freedom. Maybe in that fantasy she’d also have Joey’s hand in hers, his laugh in her ears as they pretended to be two normal kids with not a problem or care in the world. Instead, she was stuck being so utterly herself, a girl who pushed away the noise and the carefree wonder in favor of reality, stuck being so painfully fixated on the paranoia creeping into her heart as she stared at her best friend.

Not yet but the night’s still young. [ come on, greg… ]

… Uh, Rachel? Look, I know I was a real asshole to you tonight. You didn’t deserve it. I was just putting all the crap I was feeling on you and that wasn’t fair. It was really shitty, actually. I’m sorry.

Joey wanted to go home and by that, shockingly, he did actually mean his dad’s place. He’d put his foot in his mouth one too many times tonight. He wasn’t proud of using Isabel’s unrequited feelings for Cooper against her, he wasn’t but they’d both gotten what they’d wanted. Right? United by their embarrassing feelings for people they could never have, in a way they’d been perfect for each other. Prom had even been fun. And he liked Isabel, he did. Then…he danced with her. Rachel Gates. His unavailable, indescribable, very strong best friend ‘cause damn, she was really gripping onto his arm.  “Wh- Who? I mean- What?” More like ‘crap’. He opened then closed his mouth, trying not to stare too long. Wait a minute… Was she…? No, no way. Impossible. All they’d done was dance together and then, well, Rachel went back to Keith. She was with Keith. She was his best friend - that’s why she was asking, he realised. Crap. It must seem like he’d kept her out the loop of his imaginary, torrid romance. “Uh, it was pretty last minute-,” okay, sticking with the truth. Kinda. “I mean, prom isn’t really either of our things so… And, um, neither of us is big on PDA— I mean, announcing stuff. Like that. My bad, I should have said. We could have-,” and he was already rolling his eyes at himself-, “Shared a ride. All of us.”

Rachel was a very determined girl when it came to the things she cared about-- her schoolwork, her future, her family, her magic. And her Joey. Her Joey? So her eyes burned bright and expectant as she searched his for an answer while he stumbled through his words, dying to know just what the hell was going on. She was so focused on what he was about to say that she noticed belatedly that she was still kind of yanking on his arm, and then she was all too aware of her hand on his body, of the feel of his warmth under her touch. Rachel pulled back her hand quick, retracting into her own body.

There were too many things to think about-- or not think about-- right now when it came to Joey. Rachel had been trying to shove that moment they’d shared while slow-dancing to the back of her mind all night. But then Greg Porter had poked a hole in her plan to ignore it completely and every spare moment tonight had been spent thinking about what was going on with Joey. It wasn’t that she wanted to avoid him after that dance, but there was definitely a knot in her stomach as she searched for him at the party, knowing now that she had to talk to him.

Yeah, sure, I’d love to dance and everything but I’m just gonna— Catch you later. [ With that, he made his swift enough exit for fresh enough air ] Shoulda left my dancing shoes at home.

“Practically wrapped up in a bow,” he joked, trying to shrug past the confession and the embarrassment he couldn’t help but feeling about it, still. His life before Havensdale, his life at that school… Without his mom (although he’d worked hard to ruin that at the time), Molly and hell, he’d admit it, even Valerie he wouldn’t have had anything back there. Every day had been hell. Joey never thought he’d be able to talk about it with anyone, not the way he’d talked about it with Rachel. He trusted her, she trusted him. It meant everything.

That was the thing, you know? When you swallowed back the feelings, the selfish wants and stupid, beautiful fantasies…they were best friends. Rachel was good for him, so good and he was for her too, he thought. They fit. Their friendship was incredibly important to him, more important than any wild, unattainable, romantic notions he had about it being anything else.

Still, there was that urge. That itch, that need to blurt it all out. He looked at her now, in his arms, looking into his eyes and he wanted to tell her. He wanted to tell everyone, even. Shout it from the rooftops!

Of course, that was by far the wildest and most unattainable of his dreams.

“Huh?” Get it together, Joey. “Yeah. Yeah, ‘course. Are you? Having- having a good time, I mean.” It was a simple question and he asked it much too intensely he was sure. Kiss me, he thought. He was sure it was obvious, sure it was written all over his face, in the too loud beating of his heart. It was a terrible thought to have, wasn’t it? Bad enough he was dancing with her like this, looking at her like that all while his…his brother was here. His brother, her date. Keith and Rachel, Rachel and Keith.

“I’m happy,” he said like an after thought, as if he’d just remembered she’d mentioned it. Joey meant it, he did. What was a little jealously, a little pining and self inflicted heart ache in the grand scheme of things? Had he not found friends here, a home? Had he not been more accepted in the time he’d spent in Havensdale than the years he’d lived in New York? He missed his mom but she’d been right to send him away, he’d needed it. Needed the space, the closure. Man, she was beautiful. “Rachel, I—,” and he tells her, in his wild, totally selfish fantasy. Dreams. Romantic notions. He finishes that sentence, ready to accept the consequences despite how terrified he was of them. In reality however—

“You are my best friend,” he smiles, holding her hand a little tighter before twirling her slowly- forgetting they were in the middle of prom, almost forgetting how much she took his breath away when they were close like this-, “Happy’s all I got now.”

“I am, too, actually. Who’d have thought we’d both end up here, hm?” she asks with a light laugh. A couple months ago, they might have both balked at the idea of being here at Havensdale High’s Prom, but Rachel’s glad they found their way here tonight. She wants to say that she’s having a very good time right now with him, but that feels... pointed, and she can’t bring herself to say it.

When he tells her he’s happy, a ghost of a smile lights her face. With him, she feels like she’s doing something right. Rachel doesn’t have to think about whether she’s enough or if she’s trying too hard. She’s just herself, content and comfortable whenever she’s next to him. Joey gave her the gift of being able to love herself amid her own doubts and fears, and he never made her falter when it came to the two of them. They existed almost always together, half of a pair, and she can’t even imagine now what her life might be like without him.

He says her name and she pauses for a moment, sitting in the space between them, waiting for him to finish his sentence. There’s something in his eyes, something she thinks she recognizes but can’t quite place. Say it, something seems to tell her, but she doesn’t know what it is. She holds his gaze, staring at the same kind eyes she’s always known, trying to find meaning in them. And then he calls her his best friend, and somehow even those words cause her heart to flutter, and Rachel has to catch her breath as he gives her a spin.

For a second, when she returns to facing him again, one hand catching herself as it rests against his chest, Rachel’s gaze flickers to Joey’s lips. She’s been in his arms so many times before, so she can’t understand why something feels different now, why her heart seems to long for something as the music swells and her chin tilts ever so slightly up to him. Rachel looks in his eyes once again, her lips barely parted. There are words stuck in her throat. For all her knowledge, Rachel doesn’t know what it is she’s feeling now. She has no magic, not in this moment. All she feels is utterly human as she inches closer to her best friend, a strange yearning in her body that seems to hurt just as much it elates her.

It’s him. It’s Joey. Trust yourself.

And then the song ends, and in a quick and heart-wrenching instant, her focus breaks, eyes flitting to the crowd around them, to the different faces of the Havensdale natives she’s grown up around her whole life, reminding her who she is and what she can never be. Rachel Gates could never really be human. And her eyes find Keith across the dance-floor. He doesn’t see her as he talks to his friends, but she sees him, and all his kind features and beautiful mannerisms and every trait she’d fallen for all at once. He’s the one.

Without looking back to Joey, she wraps her around around his neck, hiding her face in his shoulder. “You’re my best friend, too,” Rachel whispers into him, breathing in the familiar scent of him as her eyes close, fighting the way her throat wants to close, and this ache in her chest that she can’t seem to shake now.

What had she almost done? Had she meant to...? She can’t think about it, can’t finish that thought or else she might come apart at the seams right here in his arms, and that’s the very last thing she needs right now. This dance is over, but she’s clinging onto him, unable to bring herself to let go until she remembers who she came here with, and the fact that she ought to be by his side too, ought to let him give her butterflies the way he always has.

“Um, make sure you keep having a good time here, okay?” she tells him, still stuck in his embrace. “I’ll catch you at the after party.” And when she finally starts to let go, she leaves a quick kiss onto his cheek. The way her lips brush his skin, though, causes that feeling in her chest to grow again, so before she does anything she might regret, Rachel takes a hesitant step back.

Ohmygosh, thank you! You’re way too sweet to me Rach but I’m not about to complain about it. Gosh, you’re so right though! I mean… I don’t wanna think about any of the bad stuff that’s happened- not tonight- but, y’know? It’s like tonight is finally just a chance to let out a breath and just be normal. Have fun. Not have to worry about anything except maybe our dresses getting spills on them. [ crosses at least six of her individual fingers ] I’ve got you.

We can so do this. We’ve got prom down. Ohmygod, no. I know that groan. That is a ‘Greg Porter’ groan. I just want you to know that at any given moment I am prepared to like, lowkey murder him. Just let me know.

That’s what you’ve earned for sticking by me for so long, Moore. You’re right, though, we’ll just forget about for at least one night! [ nods triumphantly ]  Operation Charcoal is on, then. Because-- Well, it sounds like Char-Cole, which, uh-- may or may not be the couple name I’ve given them in my head... No questions, please.

Oh my god. Oh my….Wow. Thanks everyone. I…I think I’m going to throw up?

Leila! Leila, ohmygod!

Hey- Hey, have you seen Juliette? She was just on stage but then I kinda lost her there… Did you see where she went?

Oh-- Cooper, hey. Congrats, by the way, on the Prom Court thing.

she honestly never has any idea what goes on at this school, a point driven terribly home only moments earlier. Rachel’s still reeling, still feeling lingering pangs of anger and worry, but she tries to mask it well, especially in front of Keith. they both deserve to have a good Prom tonight, and she’s not going to let Greg ruin that, so she tucks away her emotions, knowing she’ll get to the bottom of it all eventually.

but when everyone’s attentions are called to the stage, she sees Joey again, and a faint smile creeps its way onto her lips. until she sees Isabel, too, and all the awful feelings come hurtling back at her. Rachel tenses next to Keith, and hopes he doesn’t notice. then the names are called, and her face lights up in excitement for Leila, the only name she really cares about (no offence to the rest of the winners), distracting her for a good while to clap and cheer loudly for her and the rest of the Prom Court too.

As in…Valentine.

Considering- [ and at this point he should have stopped himself. Nothing good ever came from bitter word vomit or spread rumours even if this wasn’t exactly his first time spreading them. He could quit while he was ahead, apologise and get back to licking his wounds and yet… ] Isabel has been having a Friends-With-Benefits relationship with Tyler Manning for a while now and that’s like, using the term ‘friends’ loosely. Which is probably why, if we’re being honest, she called him Cameron one time during the…benefiting. As in, Cameron Cooper. So y'know, Joey could really be the one here. Got her settling down, all seedy Cam-related thoughts left in the past. Good for them. Right?

[ she wants to stop him, to tell him that’s it’s enough, that she doesn’t want to hear it, but a terrible, awful part of her wants to know it all; even if it makes her blood boil, even if it fills her with some emotion she can’t recognize; then, when he’s done, her eyes filled with an anger she has no idea where to direct, she acts out, unlike herself in any way; Prom or no Prom, dress or no dress, everyone around them, she takes a step forward and uses both arms, her hands on his stupid tux, and shoves him in the chest, hard ]

Sometimes couples can be cute. It was too perfect, wasn’t it? How easily this fantasy played out. He… She… We. In a world where Joey told her first, held her first, got to ask her to prom just how he wanted in some embarrassing, romantic way but not over the top. He wouldn’t be able to afford much and he’d still be stuck here in this suit his dad gave him but he’d be with her. With Rachel. Would they have taken her car? His old bike? Nah, not in that dress. Charlene would never have it. 

Char wouldn’t disapprove though, when he imagined it all. Neither would Rachel’s mom (even, in his wildest dreams, Cole liked him). Joey met her at the house, nervous as hell and took her hand. Posed for a thousand pictures and couldn’t stop smiling. Keith never looked her way, Rachel never looked his and they were just happy. A couple. A cute couple at their stupid prom. 

Perfect. 

But this wasn’t that. This was pretend and he knew that. It was gonna hurt like hell when this song stopped but Joey couldn’t bring himself to care; not when she was looking at him like that. His heart might have stopped and his palms were definitely clammy but she took his hand anyway. Joey was supposed to say something (yes, yes, a thousand times yes) but he couldn’t. Not yet. Instead, he let her lead him, never taking his eyes off her. God, she was beautiful. Everything about her was so beautiful and he… 

He was so lucky to be here, with her. To be loved by her, even if it wasn’t the way he might have wanted. Joey broke out into a grin when her confidence faded to awkwardness. He found his voice then even if he could feel himself blushing when she brushed his neck. 

“You’re perfect at it,” he said much too softly, his hands settling on her waist at first. He looked down, suddenly shy and self conscious because honestly? He thought he’d forgotten how to do it. The lessons, the overly indulgent, bullshit school events on the Upper East Side… Joey thought he’d managed to purge it from his memory but his feet, his hands, his carefully taught rhythm had other ideas. So much for being lowkey, huh? 

They’d already started dancing, him taking the lead accidentally, when he finally answered her. He just meant to say ‘yeah’ even if it was kinda pointless since obviously he was dancing with her. He’d dance with her. Turns out there was nothing he wanted to do more in this world than dance with her. Instead he said— 

“I’ll always dance with you, Rachel.” 

Man, that was cringey. Joey let out a nervous laugh then, shaking his head a little before meeting her beautiful, sparkling, brown eyes. “I uh, took ballroom dancing lessons. Not my choice. Just a, uh, ‘nother rich kid school thing but… Guess it wasn’t so bad after all.” 

She hadn’t known where that impulsivity had come from, but it had brought her here now. With him. She got the feeling that there were other things she would have wanted to do, if Rachel had grown up to be a more impulsive person, if she’d learned to follow her instincts, and chase the things that sparked a feeling of desire. But she didn’t grow up to be that girl. So her bravery ended there and turned into something quieter, something softer as she looked at Joey, like he was the guy who--

You’re perfect.

Perfect.

Rachel didn’t know why that word held so much weight coming out of his lips, in his familiar, low voice. When his hands found her waist, she felt something stir in her, and a gentle warmth spreading from his touch. His touch, his hands on her. Why did that make her so nervous? They’d hugged plenty of times before, been close, so close, countless times. Of course they had, because he was her best friend. But somehow, in the context of slow melodies, colorful lights, and dresses and tuxes, his touch made her feel something entirely new. But she wanted it to keep happening.

Her own hands gingerly found their way to rest at his neck, and she wanted to reach for a stray lock of his raven hair and brush it back, but something told her that was too much. Besides, he looked good a little disheveled, more himself. Before she knew it, he was guiding her, taking the lead with moves she surely didn’t know he had. A shocked laugh escaped her, her eyes flicking between their feet on the floor and back to him, incredulity clear on her features. “You took ballroom dancing lessons,” she repeated matter-of-factly, a grin on her lips. “You’re full of surprises today, Joey.”

His bout of confidence did something to ease some of her tension, and she allowed herself to relax in his arms, follow his lead, and let the shoes and dress work in her favor. Bits of sparkling light glimmered in the lights as she swayed with him, and Rachel was grateful she and Charlene had come to the right decision. For some reason, she cared now that she looked good, that Joey might think the dress was the right choice, too. It was stupid.

Aw, my heart! I can’t believe that’s going to be my legacy. I never thought I’d be remembered for being this cool like, ever. Things have a really funny way of working out- in a good way, of course. A wonderful way. [ giggles ] I promise. I’ll give you a full report once we get a minute after all the detail worthy moments. You too though, we have to pinky swear not to hold out on each other. [ grins, a hand over her heart ] I love it. If there were ever a night for romance, this is it.

Absolutely. I do, I do know and I think we’re in for a magical night. But- Well, not that kind of magic. Just regular, normal, human magic which we do all deserve. Well, maybe not Greg Porter but that’s- [ she waved a hand chaotically in explanation ]- that.

Please, Jenny, you’ve always been this cool and you will continue to be so, despite what you may or may not believe. Always. [ shakes her head ] I can’t even imagine a couple months ago thinking that this would be the kind of thing we’d get to talk about. High school fantasies, and all that. [ a firm nod ] Keep your fingers crossed for me, will you?