Donna Tartt, The Secret History

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Donna Tartt, The Secret History

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i am glorifying my own survival. keeping a journal of the miracles of small victories, praising myself for waking up, for brushing my teeth, for eating breakfast, for showering. i make up romantic notions about myself instead of picking at the loose seams. i write love poems to the person i know i can be.
some days i am painting gold on rot. some days i know i smell of death under the sugar perfume. some days i flicker between a drowning and a circus. but some days, some days. i catch myself in the mirror and i think: iâm so glad we lived to grow up.
I'm sorry. I don't know how to tell you I want your heart but not until I break it first.
there are all kinds of aware. the aware of 2 AM when youâre both half-asleep on the floor and your heart is up and the aware of 5 AM when you havenât slept the night before and your guard is all you are. the aware of a sore tooth that makes small things on tongues feel big and the aware of first-food-since-i-forget that makes big things taste better.
aware, be/ware, the aware of halloween nights where the back of your skin crawls with again-witch, the aware of the first snowfall you watch alone, the aware of a paper cut, the aware of knowing the cat is in the room but it doesnât like to be pet so you just have to watch it. the aware of pen lights, of fridays, of cracked ribs. the aware of i hurt you once, i wonât do it again. the aware of first time holding hands, the aware of nine hundredth circle on her spine, the aware of spotted zoo animal and the aware of an open blue sky.
âhow does she make you feel?â you ask.
aware, i guess. aware so much i feel alive.
May lessons:
1. Early morning light saves the soul.
2. The moon is always a friend on those nights where sleep feels like an obligation.
3. And the stars will really guide you home, if you know where to look.
4. Sometimes it's okay to choose your heart, too. Don't deny it for too long. Or it will forget how to feel. It will forget how to let people in. It's a tiring option but it will put the soul to ease.
5. Not everything goes the way you want it to.
6. Sometimes, the harshest wake-up call is the one that gets you going.
7. Time is a concept of the mind. You know this. The best 30 minutes of your life will feel like forever and the week of nothing will feel like a day. Although, sometimes vice versa.
8. Give people a chance. Unexpected people are kinder. And if you're ready, please, please forgive.

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how many times have girls been compared to wolves? Â âwolvesâ is easy, like depictions of angels as rosy-cheeked white children. tell me what i am stripped bare: no moon, no packs. no hunt, no howl. a gaunt figure haunting the suburbs. skin no god wants to see.
To the boys who get called girls, the girls who get called boys, and those who live outside these words. To those called names, and those searching for names of their own. To those who live on the edges, and in the spaces in between. I wish for you every light in the sky.
Anna-Marie McLemore (When the Moon Was Ours)Â (via thecaffeinatedscribbler)
đthe Book of Mayđ
đź 1-3 poems
đź no more than 2 long poems, five pages each
đź short poems must be 1-2 pages each
the book of May is what May is to you, your memories, what has happened & what will happen. fiction or not, what we imagine is part of us & what we dream will happen has happened somewhere already
underlying theme, the incomprehensible passage of time
moods include but not limited to: 7/11, blossomed fields & trees, how it felt to be slapped across the face, hair clips, tiny pink plastic fans, marble, moss, & vines covering the House, the death of god, ChloĂŠ white romantic dresses & snakeskin mini, iced coffee, disposable shaving razors, hard drugs, no vodka, dropping off bags of old clothes to goodwill, spending all day outside, local church closed for construction, smoking a cigarette beside the road, silver sequin bucket bags, night clubs with good music, hair gel, daisies, Mary Magdalene, the excitement of responsibility, the commitment to health, kitten heels, the reclamation of the female body, the reckoning of all women on their men, pick up trucks, the subway grates of New York City, billboards, the death of the inner child self, the embrace of heaven, toothpicks, cucumber water, chantilly lace
đ¸Deadline: May 23
đ¸Submit poems & inquiries to [email protected]
đ¸Message me for more details
but how do you crawl back to who you once were? how do you resurrect a self that was once within you?
I loved you the same way that I learned how to ride a bike. Scared, but reckless. With no training wheels or elbow pads so my scars can tell the story of how I fell for you.
Rudy Francisco, âIf I Was a Love Poetâ
Performing at his book release party at Icehouse in Minneapolis. HELP SUPPORT BUTTON POETRY.
(via buttonpoetry)

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I have to write you out of my blood, out of the guilt I am tasting in my tongue--like metal or gunpowder because thatâs the truth: I am going to shoot you down.
This is how it will always go: I will always rope in soft hearts like yours into my hair--which only knows how to get longer--braid it, twist it but I will never hold it in my palms or wear it on my sleeves. This is the raw truth: I am scared of falling in love.
Girls like me arenât built to reciprocate: only meant to break and to be broken. Sometimes at the same time. Sometimes by ourselves.
So this is how I write you out: Iâm sorry
and good-bye.
Talking to you feels like coming home
hey remember when we were half asleep on your bed and we were talking on your pillow and our bodies were on fire but we were pretending not to like each other and halfway between sex jokes and personal confessions i finally said the truth and it hung between us like a bad taste in the mouth and you said âdo you mean thatâÂ
and i swallowed because this was supposed to be a casual thing so we both put our walls up and felt our way through and then i pulled the covers up and said âyeah, sometimes, when i think about youâand you looked at me and said, âgod, thank god, thatâs terribly trueâ
Fragments of Prayers from Saint Joan to the Archangel Michael by Keaton St. James
(patreon)
mist-clotted dreamscapes and lurking valleys, lurid skies and hissing winds, farmhouses gently giving in to their own weight, sinkholes and scoliotic mountain passes, masses of writhing vines, whispers at dusk and howling into the night, cold mornings trembling with birds, the taste of river silt and your own blood on your teeth
22 and still afraid to own the chaos inside me, still morphing myself into neatness, into calm waters and drizzles when I am a rainstorm, a torrential downpour, my heart is a proof of thunder

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the atmosphere of coming rain, anticipation, the building of hope, the bravery of letting go, the choosing-the choice-the chosen, the slowly falling of a self into a self--all of it: rattling my bones, terrifying my being, cowardice as an armor I am finally shedding and rainwater as my lover, finally, finally: liberation
Somewhere out there this decadeâs poetic vision of the suburbs still exists. There are soft boys in pink and blood on white shirts and girls on their beds scrolling through witch blogs. Thereâs high school football season, the locker room romance, the hot backseat of a car with both our DNA on it. Thereâs 80â˛s synth music and driving 80mph on the highway, dizzy whiskey kisses and cigarette smoke billowing out a crushâs window. Adventures in the dark streets, under streetlamp lights where the moths cloud. Psychics offering up their services late at night. Varsity sports. I remember all that and more. Sometimes I think I can still hold it all in my hand. But I canât. Itâs like finding you canât live in your old house anymore. The walls are grimy no matter how hard you scrub, the sink runs filth-water, and your own dogs turn on you. The love is somewhere else. The magic has moved on. The kids have grown up and left. Everythingâs gone here.