I've been feeling this exactly since the moment I started transitioning. Every single aspect my person is scrutinized and used against me. I am questioned on why I would want to dress masculinely, as if my clothing is the only thing that differentiates being a woman from being a man. I am questioned because of my presentation whether I really am a woman. Regardless of a person's stance, I am almost never perceived as female.
In places of mixed gender, I am given all of the space of a woman, which is to say none. I am given all of the credibility of a woman, which is to say none. I am given all of privileges of a woman (which is to say none) except those which I am denied, because of course I am not percieved as female. In fact, if feels as if because I am in this low position, those whose femininity are not questioned stand to gain from my loss. Their shouting over me gives them an excuse to be loud without repercussion.
In "my own" "community," the lesbian community, my sexuality is questioned; the fact that I am a trans woman seems to act as a barricade into lesbianism. All talk of masculine women (like myself), little there is, is willfully ignorant of my existence. I am perceived as masculine, but I am not perceived as female.
In "my own" "community," the trans community, my perspective is quesitoned. I am given the role of the man I was assigned to be, the aggressor, the problem in the room. Any attack against me is then leveled at a perceived oppressor, not a woman. Not a person, even. I am not given that privilege.
Even in those rare scenarios where women are given space, where women are given credibility, and a voice, and community, I am denied all of these. Because I am masculine, because I am transgender, and especially because I am transfeminine.
Even in spaces where I, explicitly me, am supposedly loved or supported, by my friends, by my family, by my colleagues, I am not seen as female. I am questioned, and speculated about, and scrutinized, and am looked at through a lens that does not consider me to be truly female. Which I am. The fact that I must assert this at every junction is just another reason not to listen to me; if I truly was a woman there would be no question to it. But there is. And so I am not.
But if I was... if I was given space, and credibility, and support, I feel like I would be able to explore myself more. As for now, my she/her pronouns feel almost like a political statement. I'll stand with them until they are accepted.
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