+!SPaZZ!+

Welcome to the page. This is dedicated to be a personal blog of mine (again). I had one when I was 18, but that's 3 years ago and I forgot the login.

I'm Xavier, I'm 21 and in Connecticut. This is very much a state that gets forgotten a shit ton, I get it don't worry

I'll dump everything on here. But please do be warned, this is very much a venting account.

Topics that may be discussed are the following: Self Harm, hospital visits, derealization/depersonalization, drugs, alcohol, etc.

Ah, therapy. It's something the sick need to be medicated, sometimes it requires more than just a talk or holding things to stimulate your brain. It was my first session in 4 years.

I've been said to be having PTSD. I laugh at that idea. You see, I've always viewed PTSD in its most violent form, on top of always being told that "worse has happened to other people compared to me."

But then, I think. and when I think, sometimes I cry, but frustration and being sad is always there. I would think about what had happened, and remember what I've been through, with majority being because of my mother, and I'll be upset for the whole day.

But, that doesn't mean I have PTSD. I think I'm just upset about some things, things I haven't gotten over. It's no PTSD. But man, I step near my mother's house or near her, and I'll feel pressure. I'll feel "off", like something is going to happen.

Do you know what it's like to have lost yourself? What you liked, what you like now, what you enjoy as hobbies, your favorite food, your favorite moments as a kid.

All of it. Gone. I believe it has something to do with me missing the past. No, it wasn't fun for me, no it wasn't exciting or anything interesting for the most part.

I think about my hospital visits a lot. I would go for a procedure for weeks and some times months annually until the age of 12.

The doctors failed the last surgery and I ended up stopping those annual surgeries. Stupid doctors. Stupid hospital, wasted years in there. I lost my own identity of what I could've been.