what does it mean if it all means nothing?

MUSINGS || CONNECTIONS || PLAYLIST(S)

Hunter listened as Quin explained that it wasn’t the birds fault for just existing. It was poetic. “Forget it. I’m over blaming somebody from accidentally spilling my own coffee after jumping.” Hunter would go and find a hoody from his locker and zip-it up to cover his coffee stained tee. “Honestly? I’ll go and grab a jacket or something. Nobody’s going to see it if I’m quick about it.”  Hunter shook his head from side to side with a smile. “You like what you like, man. Who am I to cast judgement about your interest? It’s a normal thing to like. I wouldn’t really say it’s something that interests me but each to their own, right? You’re not hurting anyone knowing bird facts.” Hunter wouldn’t tell anyone. It wasn’t his place to make the other become some laughing stock. “What interests you so much about the birds anyways?”

“Okay...” Quin nodded slightly, though he still felt bad for snapping. Still, Hunter was making a lot of logical points that would prevent any embarrassment from people noticing the stain. That was one thing Quin admired and even envied in Hunter; he seemed far more practical than Quin ever had been or would likely be. When asked about his interest, Quin offered a slight shrug and looked ahead again, the bird long gone at this point. “I don’t know... I just always loved them, even as a kid. I remember making a birdhouse and thinking how cool it was to see all kinds of birds taking a moment from their day to rest for a quick snack. I always wondered what their days were like aside from that moment.. and if they go, whether they’d tell their other friends about it or if they wanted to have it just for themself - y’know, like a safe space to just escape from everyone else for a moment.” After a while, Quin realized he was just rambling as he locked in on those specific memories of watching the birds from the window. “And don’t get me wrong, I love learning about other things too, like plants and flowers, also different insects, anything... but birds just - I guess a part of me just wishes I could just... fly away like they can... and wondering if they realize how lucky they are to be able to do that.”

“I haven’t. I find it hard to talk about my feelings,”. It was easier to tell a friend, but when you had an on and off relationship with someone, it was difficult to communicate that you didn’t feel like you were good enough for someone else. Beau did come across as moody and reserved. He wasn’t good at talking about himself and how he felt. “I’ve never thought of him being the problem. Don’t get me wrong, he winds me the fuck up sometimes,” he giggled as the words fell out of his mouth. “But his a good guy, and deserves to be treated by someone who can give him what he wants. I don’t know if I can be that for him.”

“I get that...” Quin said before he had the chance to hold back the tiny clue into his own mentality. Since it was something he struggled with as well, it was hard to think of any ways to get around the obstacle keeping someone back from being open. Everything Beau was saying made perfect sense, too. “It’s hard-- when you care about someone so much, but don’t feel like you can be what they need to be happy...” When all else failed, Quin could always fall back on validating someone’s experience. It was bizarre how hard it was for some people to simply acknowledge the pain someone else was in. “At the same time, though... is pushing him away really hurting him any less than being with him?”

NICO: we should call the administration. there's only one possibility... a mass phone hacking! or maybe alien mind control?

NICO: it all makes sense, i can sell my story to the paps. an alien possessed a greasy long haired man and made him kiss me then send out a mass apology text to the whole student body. how my world was rocked in 48 hours!

QUIN: i........ am still thoroughly confused.

QUIN: so that first couple texts, he kissed you?

NICO: hey mom, have you seen my red swimming trunks?

NICO: oh my god, did i send that to EVERYONE?

NICO: this is so crazy and embarrassing. my finger just slipped down every name on my entire contact list and THEN i accidentally sent it. wow. nobody call the press. i can't live with the shame of this newest revelation after my TOTALLY ACCIDENTAL text.

QUIN: ...

cordelia really         wouldn’t consider herself         a very     nice person,       she hears the        snide comments from the      public school kids,       she wasn’t deaf but           that didn’t mean that it wasn’t      annoying when all they referred to her as ;  what a   BITCH !       then again she didn’t live off       those comments.      she returns the smile   &.    it’s almost      genuine ❝      to be honest       the last time      that I had some free time     was ——- ❞      she waits &.     ponders a bit as she         thinks when was       THE  LAST  TIME       that she actually        did something she       herself enjoyed.        ❝ well, it’s been         a while .    ❞       a small giggle erupts         from crimson petals        as she follows his gaze &.        nods sincerely.     ❝ how did you      even find         this place ?        ❞ she inquired as she finished         the remaining of the popcorn             in the small cup. 

He waited for her to finish her sentence, but the silence that fell as she thought was more telling. Quin certainly knew what it was like to be busy and bogged down with school work, but he knew implementing time in his schedule to take care of himself and do something that would make him happy was just as important as getting any assignment completed. Blame it on the psychology degree he was striving for, but self care was far from overrated as some may try to suggest. “Well... I’m glad you’re able to enjoy this at least now... What kind of things do you like to do, though? Y’know, back when you had free time to do it?” When she inquired about his discovery, Quin just shook his head lightly. “I don’t even know... I was just walking around one day and really just stumbled here.”

       at this point she was   stuffing her face    with the popcorn the one beside her had provided. she      wasn’t ever really       allowed to early carbs,    ALWAYS  had to maintain a perfect image in her mothers eyes. she becomes startled as the other        shushed rapidly     , she’s about to       protest but the sudden dryness in her        throat catches her off guard      &.   watched as he inched slowly towards the gorgeous bird.                she’d never done anything          like this before but       it was peaceful and tranquil .     ❝        thank you for asking me to come,       I’m having a good time. ❞

Quin’s smile from seeing the bird still lingered as he turned back to Cordelia. For a moment, he just stared, slightly in disbelief, in response to her gratitude. So many people would tear him to shreds, acting as though he was some sort of deluded freak for stopping to take a moment to enjoy how beautiful the world was around them. “Yeah-- of course. I’m glad you are! No one seems to believe me when I say there’s a perfect trail right near the school, like--” he points ahead as they moved forward, trees reaching up to the sky and branches arching on either side of the path to create a perfect archway for them. “tell me that doesn’t look like an entrance to a magical realm.”

“Um, not exactly.” Fable replied looking over at Quin. “If you knew my dad he still strives for the need to control every aspect of my life even if I’m no longer a child, I’m still his only child.” She sighed as she spoke. “I had my funds for my reading cut off and had to work as a receptionist for his company the most of summer.”

Damn. That definitely sounded more important than her essay, really. “Honestly, I didn’t know it worked like that. Did you pick the topic on your own? I feel like a lot of people would benefit from knowing that.” Hearing Quin talk was ten times more entretaining than working by herself. Maya paused for a moment, thinking about it, before remembering the topic from before. “Don’t you have that app that unlocks paid articles? It’s a life-saver. You know the saying, work smart, not hard.” Maya gestured towards his computer, asking for his permission to show him what she meant.

Beau and Lawson had been on and off again for a while. The slim brunette didn’t know what he wanted out of a partner, and he didn’t know if he could give his complete self over to Lawson right now. He had a past that he hardly brought up to Lawson and it was hard to share that part of him with anyone. “I want to be better for him. I push him away because I think he deserves someone who’ll treat him how he should be treated. As much as I would love that to be me, I know it isn’t.”

Quin furrowed his brows a bit and tugged at the sleeves of his sweatshirt as he listened. “Have you told him that?” It was amazing how difficult simple communication seemed to be in relationships, but Quin had no room to judge. After all, had he just been completely open and honest about where he was at mentally with Ivy, maybe they could have stayed together. Communication was hard. Being completely open and authentic to anyone may be one of the bravest things someone could do. “I mean, explaining why you push him away... Because, I’m just thinking about if I was on the receiving end of that, I may feel really hurt... like, that you don’t want to be with me and that I’m the problem, y’know?”

“  OF  COURSE  IT  WORKS  .  ”  she  shrugged  in  response,  "  i  am  a  theater  major  love  ,  i  could  sell  condoms  to  a  preist  ,  our  professors  don’t  stand  a  chance  against  my  charms  .  "  it’d  take  more  than  a  judgemental  look  to  make  her  second  guess  herself  ,  she’d  rather  throw  her  money  at  her  problems  then  try  and  solve  them  on  her  own  ,  "  now  that  i’ve  passed  the  interrogation  can  we  do  something  ?  "  she  mused  with  a  grin  ,  "  or  are  there  more  questions  ?  "  

A  DEAL  WITH  THE  DEVIL  .  that’s  what  most  people  considered  it  to  be  when  you  metaphorically  shook  hands  with  nico  .  he  was  never  up  to  anything  good  and  something  as  simple  as  quins  promise  would  return  to  HAUNT  him  one  of  these  days  .  he  could  sniff  out  someone  with  a  gentle  nature  from  a  mile  away  .  “  now  that  we’ve  got  that  out  of  the  way…”  nico  surmised  thoughtfully  ,  shifting  with  a  grin  .  “  i  hope  there’s  no  hard  feelings  about  that  whole  ivy  situation  ,  “  the  play  was  so  subtle  and  calm  that  it  couldn’t  have  seemed  manipulative  ,  provoking  at  all  .  “  i  wouldn’t  want  to  think  that  you’d  hold  it  against  me  now  we’re  classmates  ,  “  it  wasn’t  that  nico  thought  quin  would  ,  he  was  simply  quietly  ensuring  the  idea  and  thought  of  their  complex  relationship  was  implanted  right  where  it  might  hurt  .  

Beau didn’t care about what people thought about him. If people wanted to get to know him, he would open to them. He didn’t go out of his way to make friends. He didn’t see the point. The less people Beau had to deal with, the better. “I have an on and off again thing with my ex,” the brunette confessed. “Him and I are rooming at the moment, so we’ll probably end up talking to one another again for the time being, but we have our ups and downs with our bickering,” beau confessed. “We find it hard to see eye to eye on things.”

“That sounds... exhausting.” Quin could hardly get through one fight with Ivy, he couldn’t even imagine cycling through multiple like that. If he wasn’t so cautious about overstepping, he may have inquired about how sustainable the relationship really was between Beau and his ex. From the little he had said, it sure sounded like they brought more pain to each other than what it was worth. “Do you want things to be better?” It may have sounded like a stupid question but Quin was surprised to find out how many people seemed apprehensive about the very concept of stability. It was even more dangerous and risky than chaos.

“Damn, I hadn’t even thought about that.” Taking an ecological impact perspective might be exactly what she needed to up her grade from a C minus to a B. As she started typing some ideas into her document, Maya raised her eyebrows, looking at the other’s own empty project. “What about yours? Is there something I can help you with?” Even if Maya wasn’t really close to Quin, she had seen him around campus enough to at least know what he was studying. “I’m not an expert in psychology, but I’m sure that we can bullshit something together.” 

FACE  TWISTING  INTO  A  MIXTURE  of  confusion  and  amusement  as  he  spoke  .  to  be  fair  ,  cori  and  quin  weren’t  exactly  friends  ,  she  knew  next  to  nothing  about  him  and  she  assumed  it  was  probably  the  same  for  him .  even  still  she  isn’t  someone  who  has  a  hard  time  connecting  with  strangers  (  she  couldn’t  be  if  she  wanted  to  be  good  at  her  job  )  so  she  let  him  ramble  on  the  grin  never  once  leaving  her  lips.  "  nope  ,  i  usually  pay  someone  to  do  all  my  major  projects  so  i’m  never  late  on  those  and  -  "  pulling  up  the  calendar  on  her  phone  to  check  all  of  her  exams,  "  my  next  exam  isn’t  until  thursday  .  is  it  too  much  to  believe  that  i  just  wanted  to  spend  time  with  someone  ?  granted  it  didn’t  have  to  be  you  but  fate  brought  you  to  me  and  who  am  i  to  fight  with  fate  ?  "  

UNFORTUNATELY  ,  HE  HAD  THAT  UNDER  CONTROL  .  he  took  pause  as  he  examined  the  man  in  front  of  him  .  he  was  good  at  feeding  off  the  insecurities  and  worries  of  others  ,  no  promise  he  made  ever  one  that  was  guaranteed  to  be  kept  .  “  i’ll  tell  you  what  ,  “  he  shifts  forwards  ,  no  animosity  .  he  didn’t  have  a  problem  with  any  of  the  students  .  perhaps  that  was  what  made  it  worse…  he  was  willing  to  dish  on  them  for  no  reason  at  all  .  “  i’ll  give  you  a  one  time  only  special  offer  and  keep  your  name  out  of  my  mouth  for  this  entire  term  until  break  and  all  you  have  to  do  is  tell  me  if  you  hear  anything  sus  around  here  ,  “  he  wonders  if  the  other  will  agree  ,  leaning  forwards  .