I'm Not Going To Wallow In Pity

it ought to have been an underhanded insult, an art her mother had perfected when speaking of her father.  what kanae lacks is her conviction,  her boiling resentment,  the acid emptiness of the word, husband.   but that would not be them, and so–   she morphs it enough to make it sound like a gentle excuse.    she steps to the side, as if to give shinobu enough space to walk beside her.   

“shinobu,” she says, half to herself, because it seems most natural.   there is, to her knowledge, a small garden further away from the well-maintained lawns—  left to be overrun by weeds.  she cannot explain the need which possesses her by her feet and pushes her towards it,  though she exerts her will enough to ignore it. the path out of the courtyard is shortly ahead,  the sunlight ghosting over the newly-laid stones.  “isn’t it so odd to meet now?”  i will be a bride– “we will both be graduating soon enough.  hard to believe so much time could pass by so soon,  or that it will. i find it hard to believe that i couldn’t have spoken to you or many others sooner than now.”   

her father was never a hypocrite, and he would never have her educated anywhere else, for as long as she can recall.  ohtori is the entirety of her world,  and she is its pearl.   

“solitude is different,” she says, and her fingers twitch.  she has enjoyed the waves of gossip and chatter and young adulthood that crash over in dressing rooms and ballrooms and classrooms.   the idea of being without has never once occurred to her, but she looks to them,  and wonders if there is such a thing as being whole in the presence of no one.   “but i'm told you can be discontent and alone in crowds of millions–  you are barely heard, or seen in such a bustling body of people.”   yet she cannot place shinobu’s face among the crowd–  not among her classmates,  not among her seniors,  nor among the few who would spill over into her own clubs for a lack of space and purpose.   kanae purses her lips.  for someone so intent on not imposing upon,  theirs is an unmistakable presence.  

"I've found that my romantic reputation is rather poor in some circles, such that most young men prefer their girlfriends not associate with me," came an answer, if not the answer. Besides, mentioning their own popularity and good looks was surely too conceited. "Though, I would expect the chairman to be far more clearheaded than that. There's hardly any reason for someone in his position to be jealous of someone in mine." After all he'd done for her, Shinobu had no desire to unsettle him, and yet... Something faint and quiet gnawed at her.

It couldn't be placed, and so they'd have to leave it be for the moment, instead taking a step forward to walk alongside the other girl. "Mm. I suppose my experience has been something akin to that." It wasn't like her to speak about herself at any length, or with any sense of vulnerability. In the eyes of her classmates, Shinobu Yaguchi was a fantasy over which to fawn, or an obstacle to be overcome. To their father... naturally, he'd prefer that she just kept her mouth shut and devote herself wholeheartedly to the family's continued excellence. Well, it was a problem with no solution, so what reason was there to lament it?

As she was spoken to, Shinobu politely looked towards Kanae. She really did appear so familiar, such that they doubted whether it could just be her general visibility as the acting chairman's fiancee. Her memory was supposed to be sharper than this, wasn't it? "I don't know that guiding is the word I'd use," she started, a small frown dragging down her lips, "but if the current student council members sought my counsel, I'd offer it freely." Surely, that wouldn't come to pass. "I imagine it unlikely, though. The president hardly needs my opinion, and the vice-president would sooner tear out my tongue than listen to anything I have to say." Tsuchiya was gone now too, wasn't he? That left only Miss Arisugawa.

It was cute how Izumi got so excited to talk about music, but then seemed to withdraw in her shell once again so quickly. Ibuki hoped she would grow more comfortable being herself around her soon. "Not a bribe! Ibuki just loves to share her love for music with fellow music enthusiasts! If someone will use her, I'm happy! Instruments are meant to be played, not to just sit around collecting dust like Mom's china or whatever. Besides, this school just throws money at us for whatever our creative juices need! But if you wanna borrow her, that's cool too. Ibuki can bring her to school tomorrow!"

The musician's eyes lit up as she browsed the Chinese food menu. "Oooh good choice! Sweet and Sour pork it is!" She added it to the order before frowning. "D'aw Ibuki likes a little bit of spice." She winked playfully. "But guess Izumi chan is not into spice. No worries, no worries. Plenty of other food that will be yummy in our tummy!" As Izumi set up the amp, Ibuki sent in the food order. She didn't mind someone setting her amp the way they preferred. The more times she had to change it, the more practice she got anyway, and she was pretty fast at adjusting it just the way she liked it now.

"Peeking, peeking," she observed as Izumi finished setting up the pedals she would be using. Ibuki figured she would just hit all the range of notes and do just a few strums, but before she knew it, the other girl began to play a whole song, "Mr. Scary." It was one of Ibuki's favorites from Bakemono, and she stared, enraptured for a bit, as Izumi lost herself in the rifts.

Thinking as she was of food, hoping that it would arrive quickly and negate the need for conversation, Izumi was entirely unprepared for Ibuki's excited response. "Ehehe..." came her weak laugh. "That's r-right, I am her, so..." This was getting dangerously close to a normal live performance, and she wasn't any good at those. Still, with Ibuki looking at her like that, neither did Izumi want to let her down. "I guess I can do one m-more."

After adjusting the settings again, Izumi plugged her phone into one of the speakers. Other bands' music was one thing, but when it came to BAKEMONO originals, she usually had the stems with her. Nakamura-san had given her versions of all the old albums with the lead guitars cut out, both so she could practice without distraction, and so she could develop her own parts if she wanted to deviate from the studio versions in future live performances.

As if. It had taken Nakamura-san, as the the bass player and composer TENGU, and Akiyama-san as the singer, rhythm guitarist, and primary lyricist YUREI some time to become the legends they were now regarded as. She knew that both of them didn't consider BAKEMONO as really starting until the 90s, lovingly deriding their 80s output as "cheesy Loudness rip-offs." Akiyama-san had mentioned off-hand that, had it not been for RYUU-san, those early albums would never have generated enough interest to keep the band going.

There was no way anyone would measure up to RYUU-san, and it would be the height of arrogance to try to improve on his work. So many metal guitarists of the 80s just picked some famous guitarist to emulate, but while someone could hear the influences of Rhodes, Van Halen, and Malmsteen on RYUU-san, Izumi would think it'd be crazy to call him anything other than a true original. "This is Midnight Time Rider," she murmured in a small voice, starting the leadless version of a fan-favorite BAKEMONO track from the early 90s and then accompanying it herself, exactly as RYUU-san had laid it down over thirty years ago.

The musician gasped in horror as she saw Izumi clearing space in order to sit on the couch. "Please let Ibuki!" She grabbed mountains of music books and vinyls, and placed them on her already heaping desk. "Are you surely sure? Ibuki knows she should keep a tidy work place but man... cleaning is just such a drag. I'd rather be jamming out then throwing stuff away!" She admitted. It wasn't that she was just a busy senior entirely, she was simply too lazy to clean a lot of the time.

"Wooow an AZ427P2QM?? Those are hecking sick and pretty pricey! Impressive!" Ibuki listened to her analysis of fenders and nodded, humming in agreement. "Izumi chan really knows her stuff huh?! Ibuki likes her fender, but it's true the quality is just not on par with the humbucker. Ibuki has one of those at home along with about... five other guitars! I have lots of other instruments too back home. These studios are just too small for all my instruments." Or... She just had too much useless clutter in hers. "Jazzmaster is the creamy crop of the fenders though! I promise she makes all the panties drop!" She ran over to the guitar and gave it a solid strum, as if to prove her point.

"Thunderbirds are badass! Ibuki also has one of those. Ibuki.. doesn't really use it though. So maybe you could have it? If you become besties with me! It would be nice if someone would use it more than me!" She loved to share her passion with music, and she was thrilled to find someone as enthusiastic about it as her. "Sooo do you wanna make sure your baby is okay? She had quite an icky fall. No scratches, but ya know... gotta make sure her insides are all okay if you know what I mean?" She gave Izumi a suggestive wink. "You're more than welcome to plug her into one of Ibuki's amps while she places the order for Chinese food!"

Although if she wanted to shed the title of Ultimate Heavy Metal Guitarist and one day receive the honor of being just the Ultimate Guitarist, she'd need to diversify her output. That was the point of her Zuminn project on Bandcamp, but she didn't need to tell Ibuki about that. All the songs on that account were free to download, since they were just experiments in composition and different styles, without much cohesion or expertise. She'd be embarrassed to show another professional that work.

The offer to give her a Thunderbird was enough to shock Izumi back to her typical timid senses, and she raised her hands. "That's way t-too much, senpai. You d-don't have to bribe me to be your friend." Of course, if Ibuki was insistent, Izumi supposed she could take the bass off the other girl's hands... No no no Izumi, that wouldn't be right, not at all! "Maybe I c-can just borrow if it I need it for something. That way it's n-not an extravagant gift." That seemed like a better solution to her than being gifted an instrument worth over 300,000 yen on a whim.

Once the topic of her AZ was broached, Izumi nodded, unzipping her bag and pulling out her guitar. "Maybe sweet and sour p-pork? I'm not really picky as long as it isn't s-spicy." Ibuki had cleared some of her things but it still wasn't exactly easy to maneuver. "Please excuse me," she mumbled as she dug through the gear for a cable, and then began to organize some pedals and set up the amp the way she liked. It was weird messing with someone else's settings - she was so particular, herself, and one thing that really set her off in the studio was when one of the other band members touched her dials before she could get a photograph.

It would be weird to play her own music in the presence of a more experienced musician, so Izumi sat with her guitar on her knee, thinking of what to play. Mr. Scary was her go-to warm-up song, so that would work. At first, Izumi intended just to run through the opening riff or two, just to make sure that everything sounded fine. But... probably she should check to make sure the pitch harmonics sounded good right? And that the whammy bar was still in place, and wasn't de-tuning the instrument. And that the strings could hold up to some punishment.

"Ooh, so most birds are lone wolves, huh? I guess we have that much in common, then~" She wouldn't have guessed as much, most of the birds she's seen hang out in flocks - but she supposes that those guys aren't exactly birds of prey. Still, it's a little disappointing that it's basically impossible and is never going to happen... Until Rio mentions her own ideas, and she's back to being fully invested in the conversation, mind running wild with imaginary blood and gore at the talons of these cool, exotic species she's never even heard of.

The next question prompted from Rio a thoughtful hum. "I think there's an actress in the third year, and a stuntman, so there are probably people who could help. Oh, and in the other third year class, there's an animator? But I'm not sure anyone's a director exactly." Then again, there was always next year. Who knew what the incoming class would bring then. Even so, she couldn't exactly tell how serious her classmate was about this whole thing. Her talent didn't exactly line up with making a movie, although Rio absolutely wasn't about to bring it up.

Oh shit.

Sonia's mind went blank. Not the blissful sort, not the sort she'd felt the first time Gundham had kissed her or when Chiaki had offered her a piece of her karaage chicken on Sonia's first day at Hope's Peak Academy before suggesting they be friends. No, this was the panic sort of blank, the sort of feeling that Sonia couldn't let show on her face.

Regret, yes. Apologetic, of course. But panic, panic was reserved behind closed doors. Members of the royal family were composed at all times even, and especially, when they were in the wrong. And as much as she endeavored to be a normal teenage girl, some habits were hard to break.

Only the likes of those who knew her well, Chiaki and Gundham mostly, knew when Sonia's smile didn't reach her eyes. When her kind words were laced with sarcasm and double meanings rather than sincerity and warmth. Shinobu wasn't one of those people. More importantly, Shinobu couldn't be one of those people, who could riddle out the muddled mess in her head and her heart and read her for exactly what she was: someone determined, desperate, to let the truth stay buried. No one would get hurt that way. Besides Sonia herself, and that was always acceptable. For the good of the country, or the world, or anything bigger than herself, which her life mostly, nearly entirely, was.

"I am so sorry, I truly had no idea," Sonia began. By sheer will she managed not to stammer in Shinobu's seemingly embarrassed presence. Of course she was, this was hardly a situation she wanted to be in. She swallowed, steadying her nerves: at least her remorseful look was genuine. That's all Shinobu needed to know, that it had never been her intention to put her in such a position.

Even if, deep down, the most important reason why was Sonia's self-preservation. This was a path Shinobu chose and could walk herself, but it was never an option for Sonia Nevermind, Princess of Novoselic. Surely Shinobu knew that, and that was what mattered. She didn't need to know that when she'd mentioned the aquarium being a prime spot for lesbian dates that Sonia had briefly considered the prospect, with Shinobu, before forcibly pushing it out of her mind. In the glimpse she'd had they'd held hands and Sonia had bought her a small stuffed plush of the jellyfish Shinobu had rescued, that she'd never forget her kindhearted deed for as long as she lived, that she was always a better person than the rest of the world regarded her as.

And kissing had been involved. It was only a moment though, hardly enough time for her imagination to elaborate on the practice.

"If I had known, I would never have suggested it," She sighed, chewing the inside of her mouth once before letting go. A habit her mother always scolded her for, and Sonia could hear her in her mind already. For chewing the inside of her mouth. For even entertaining the idea of kissing a woman. For many things, Sonia was sure, that didn't live up to what the Princess of Novoselic needed to be. "You must have wanted to come here with someone you truly liked," She paused, exhaling deeply. Every word felt like a new cut into her flesh, a stinging reminder of how bitterly painful it was to say. "Not me." Never her. Not like she saw her like that anyway. Ji-yeon and Rui, yes. But Sonia wasn't like them: independent, confident, beautiful, unafraid to turn their backs on the conventions and expectations of the society they lived in. That, Sonia felt, was the sort of woman Shinobu Yaguchi liked. The sort she'd prefer to visit the aquarium with.

Not her. Never her.

At least Sonia could still smooth down the front of her skirt and smile at the penguins, determined to make the best of it all. And maybe try to escape the now-prying eyes of the female couples around them. Didn't they understand that she and Shinobu were just friends?

She turned her gaze away from Sonia, pretending to focus intently upon the penguins. "There isn't anything to be sorry for, Miss Nevermind. Please don't jump to such unnecessary conclusions." It sounded colder than she intended, and the words had barely left her mouth before she regretted them completely. That sounded like something the prince might say, as if the very thought of someone else's worry was an inconvenience. How easily she slipped into that register when not actively choosing otherwise.

It was the American writer Kurt Vonnegut who had said 'we are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be.' Shinobu had not considered herself to ever be pretending about anything, but recent events had brought into sharp focus some difference between the person she would perhaps prefer to be, and the armor in which she'd outfitted herself - armor which had only recently begun to chafe, as though it no longer fit.

Tragic, to realize such a thing at a point where she could no longer remove it. Whatever her thoughts about it, though, this was the only path left available to her. There was no sense lamenting their lot in life, nor the decisions they had made that had left them to this point. In actuality, Sonia was offering an out, without realizing it. Surely, they both felt awkward, so excusing herself and returning home wouldn't seem out of the ordinary. That wouldn't her preference for their last good interaction, but it could be enough, couldn't it?

She felt like sighing. Sonia Nevermind, why are you such a dangerous person for me? You're making so difficult for me not to do something I'd regret, and yet you're somehow entirely unaware of it. Yes, truthfully, setting aside what they knew they would have to do eventually, it was Shinobu's impulse to comfort her. Under better circumstances, albeit unrealistic ones, she would have liked nothing more than to soothe Sonia's anxieties with a kiss. Instead, she hoped the other girl would settle for something else instead.

Once they'd stepped to the side, away from the penguins, Shinobu guided Sonia over to a somewhat more secluded part of the rooftop, near one of the service doors. During feeding time like this, and in such a location, they imagined no one would be watching them. That was just as well, both to avoid any inconveniences to Sonia, and to avoid any kind of overly-sympathetic audiences who might get the wrong idea.

Gently, she took both of Sonia's hands in her own. "Miss Nevermind, please don't mistake me - I'm here because I wanted to be here with you." Her voice was gentle and soft, both to try and set the other girl at ease, and to deter would-be eavesdroppers. "I know my actions might imply otherwise, but I'm capable of declining an invitation if it doesn't suit me." That was a joke, even if her tone of voice seldom conveyed jokes well.

"Orinth-what-now? Explain it so even a brain-dead girl like me can understand!" Darumi tilts her head in confusion, although once she gets the gist of it - seems like her new classmate studies birds - her demeanor changes to her usual, chaotic self. This will probably scare them off from wanting to be friends with her, but oh well - it's better to be rejected right off the bat instead of getting close and being abandoned later... No point in getting her hopes up!

"Probably not," she answered with a weak laugh. "Most birds are too small to pose a serious threat to humans, and animals don't survive in the wild by picking fights they can't win." Not to mention, from her perspective, most birds had a pretty sweet disposition as long as one treated them appropriately, and with respect for the fact that they were wild animals. "And, they're not usually pack animals, so they don't have a lot of skill collaborating to take down a larger animal."

The gasp the musician emitted this time was far more pronounced then the first, and her eyes lit up. "You're in a band!? That's hella metal! What band!? You play guitar right?" She tried to think of all the bands she knew, and one with an unknown teenage artist in it.. "Wait a hecking sec! Are you.. the Oni? No way.. you couldn't be." There was no way she went to school with that amazing of an artist, and yet, no one knew Oni's true identity, besides her fellow band members. Ibuki was usually dull and unable to piece things together very well, yet, when it came to music, she could be uncannily perceptive.

"Omg Omg Omg, Ibuki would like totally jump off a bridge and die of happiness if you were her!" She exclaimed cheerily, before turning toward the studio building. "Yaaas queen! Chinese food Jam out! Follow me!" She led her to her studio, with pep in her step. She was just so excited to have someone to talk to about music, no matter what her true identity might be. Someone, who could hopefully become a friend.

They stopped at one of the studios on the first floor and Ibuki proffered a key from inside her jacket pocket. She glanced at Izumi nervously. "Um... so like try not to judge Ibuki too hardcore. I didn't expect a cute girl to come over to my studio, so it's a little bit messy. Heh." With that, she opened the door. "Ibuki can clean lickity splitty if you want! While we wait for food!"

It was a miracle that she was able to keep her feet moving enough to follow Ibuki back to her lab, though she felt in such a daze that she barely remembered it. That was probably just as well - to hear someone she held in as high esteem as Ibuki call her cute would have otherwise sent her into a stuttering, flustered mess. Instead, she just stared at her shoes, eyes practically swirling. Was she going to have to quit the band now?Maybe she should just drop out of school altogether. Swedish and Norwegian were supposed to be more-or-less mutually intelligible, right? Maybe some Satanic metal commune in Oslo would take her in.

Her head jerked back up so fast that Izumi felt her neck crack when Ibuki spoke to her. Wait, she could just talk to her, right? Ibuki had already agreed that she'd keep it a secret, so surely this wasn't too much extra to ask. "Y-yes, I'm BAKEMONO's ONI," she answered, not used to being fawned over or praised for much, let alone the things she kept private. "P-please keep that a secret too, senpai. Ah, and you don't have to jump off any b-bridges." Why would someone do that in the first place? In Izumi's own opinion, she wasn't anyone worth getting excited about meeting. After all, she'd only contributed to one professionally-released album, and didn't even perform live.

Careful not to disturb any of Ibuki's things too much, Izumi cleared a small spot for herself to sit, putting her still-bagged guitar in her lap. "Oh, it's f-fine," she said, waving her hands weakly. "D-don't worry about it, you don't have to tidy up on my account." It was very unlike her own lab, or her home studio, both so organized. Then again, Ibuki was two years ahead of her - maybe this was just the natural entropy at work, and her own space would gradually devolve closer to this over time.

Once she was as comfortable as she was going to get, Izumi started looking over everything. If she wasn't afraid of knocking everything over, she would have pulled some of those vinyl sleeves from the stack. Instead, she look at the guitars with wide eyes. "Oh wow," she exclaimed, scooting a bit closer. "I play an Explorer too! And, then this one," she tapped her fingers on her gig bag, "is an AZ427P2QM. I don't own any Fenders - I prefer humbuckers to single-coil pickups, and even though Fender has some guitars with humbuckers, I think the quality is lower than their single-coils, and I don't believe in swapping out the pickups on a Stratocaster and calling that good enough, anyway. If you're going to play a Strat, you should play a Strat, not try to make your Strat a gangly off-brand Les Paul."