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Me: Today was such a good day *lies down in bed* Brain: I can still fuck it up Me: What? Why? I'm happy?! Brain: But are you really? Me: What?? Brain: ... Me: please, no Brain: One day you'll die and cease to exist in this life and you have no absolute proof that heaven exists and no proof that life just ends and maybe your faith is wrong. Me: What the hell? Brain:... Me: What??? Brain: Maybe you'll feel this anxious forever Me: Well, fuck. Guess I'll anxiously spiral for a couple hours now... Brain: That's the spirit Me: *violently cusses out brain*

#anxiety #anxiety spiral #existential dread #insomnia #faith #Christian #Christianity #fear of dying #worry

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uncloseted-chaos

“Newly out lesbian married to a man who is the father of their two young kids” update:

I literally don’t know what I’m doing. I feel gayer on the inside than I’m willing to let myself be right now, which feels so disingenuous. I don’t want to give up this life yet…even if it isn’t 100% real. It’s made up of real things, real moments, real feelings. A relationship with a man who has been my best friend since the day we met. Every day spent with our two incredible daughters. Bedtimes where both of us tuck them in. Shit show mornings spent running around each other because we are never on time for school.

Saying goodbye, opening a new chapter full of unknowns feels impossible. I want to sit in this awhile longer.

queerandunresolved

Me. This was me 3 years ago.

I'm fortunate that my story proves co-parenting can be done well. We both show up to the kids' birthday parties, school events, sports games, holidays at each other's homes, etc. For the things that matter to little kids, we're both there.

Ending 8 years of marriage sucked, but being trapped in a life where I couldn't be myself would have been infinitely worse.

#wlw #late bloomer lesbian #late in life lesbian #wlw post #lesbian #coming out story #divorced #coparenting

#wrestle with God #converse with God #talk to God #prayer #prayer is hard #prayer is a conversation #listening to God #listening to the holy spirit #wrestle in prayer #the book of job #wrestle with God like Jacob

She

She. She is 6 and so am I. She is my friend. She is smart and funny and strong. She has freckles that decorate her face like sparkles. She wears a french braid that slowly comes loose at recess and she still looks beautiful. She can climb the rope all the way to the top and touch the gym ceiling. She can do monkey bars for all of recess. She runs fast. She smiles big. She makes me nervous. I.... I am.... I think I might be.... Shy? She. She is 12 and so am I. She is confident. She is creative. She is edgy. She plays guitar in a band with my neighbor. She plays bass in the orchestra. She sings in choir and acts in the school musical. She wins trophies for the speech team. She has a cute smile. She wears trendy clothes. She attracts all the boys. She kisses boys too. She is fascinating. I... I am... I think I might be... Nervous? She. She is 14 and so am I. She is nice. She paints beautiful flowers. She introduced me to Christian music. She is my friend. She matches my energy. She invites me over to hang out. She knits hats for friends and family. She invites me to youth group. She is kind. She invites me to go swimming. She looks beautiful in a swimsuit. She has gorgeous body. I... I am... I think I might be... Envious? She. She is 16 and so am I. She is kind. She is outgoing. She makes friends the way a dandelion scatters in the wind; everywhere. She is sunshine in a bottle. She is energy personified. She wants to spend time with me. She makes me feel comfortable and safe. She is my safe space. She has a comfortable shoulder to lean on. She gives wonderful hugs. She makes me laugh. She makes space for my weirdness. She is always there for me. She makes me feel loved. I... I am... I think I might be... Her friend? She. She is 18 and so am I. She is radiant. She is unique. She is friendly. She is intelligent. She is attractive. She wears a gem in her cheek. She listens to indie music. She follows her intuition. She doesn't follow the crowd. She is charismatic. She makes me wish I knew her better. She makes me wonder if her skin is as soft as it seems. She makes me ask a lot of questions. I... I am... I think I might be... Weird? She. She is 20 and so am I. She is happy. She loves Jesus. She sings beautifully. She is a thoughtful woman. She is resourceful. She is physically, spiritually and emotionally strong. She has beautiful hair. She has a captivating smile. She makes me wonder what it's like to be her friend. She makes me wonder what it's like to be loved by her. She makes me wonder what her future will look like. She makes me curious. I... I am... I think I might be... Odd? He. He is 24 and so am I. He is a friend. He makes me laugh. He fills a lonely place in my heart. He checks enough boxes. He seems dependable. He says he loves me. He won't leave me. I... I am... I think I might be... Happy (enough)? But I Can't Stop Thinking About Her. And. How. She. Made. Me. Feel. She. She is 35 and so am I. She is independent. She is outspoken. She is confident. She is kind. She is divorced. She is a mother. She is a daughter. She is my friend. She makes me feel safe. She makes me feel loved. She makes me feel...things. She makes me curious. She makes me wonder. She makes me feel safe. She is patient and gentle. She is curvy and soft. She is trustworthy. She is loyal. She awakens butterflies in my belly. She lights up the parts of me I tucked away. She unfolds my crumpled heart and smooths the edges. She hears my story and catches it with loving hands. She is beautiful. She is incredible. She makes me think... She makes me hope... She makes me see... I... I was not shy. I was not nervous. I was not envious. I was not just a friend. I was not weird. I was not odd. And I was not happy. I was queer. I am queer. I AM QUEER. I love her. I am home.

"When one makes a faerie bargain, one must be prepared to pay the price. There is one silver lining. I have nothing to lose." The Rose Bargain by Sasha Peyton Smith

#The Rose Bargain #Sasha Peyton Smith #fantasy #romance #romantasy #2026 tbr #faery #magic #faerycore #bridgerton #bridgerton inspired romance #first book of the year

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One of my least favorite parts of coming out later in life -- the barrage of unsolicited memories. The secondhand embarrassment is so much worse than actually living it.

Me: Lying awake at night trying to sleep. Brain: Remember that one time it was super obvious to everyone but you that you're a lesbian? Let's think about how many people knew when you didn't. Me: I'd really rather go to sleep. Brain: Topanga Lawrence? Julia Stiles? The redhead on PBS Zoom? Me: I was young, in a conservative town, crippled by social anxiety. Give me a break! Brain: Yeah, but like, you were SO gay. Let's relive some of your most embarrassing closeted moments. That sounds like fun. Me: Please...no. Brain: Let's begin. So in third grade...

#late in life lesbian #late bloomer lesbian #memories #unsolicited memories #queer #lesbian #topanga lawrence #julia stiles #pbs zoom #pbs #anxiety #social anxiety #secondhand embarrassment #insomnia #secondhand embarrassment through memories is the worst

corvid-language-library

Remember that if you want to do more of something, you have to do less of something else. It's that time of year where people set goals for the new year and they have plans and hopes and it's always focusing on what they want to do more of. More studying, more exercise, more crafting, more socialising, more making things from scratch. Okay, great. What are you going to do less of in order to have the time and energy to do more of those things you really want to do?

queerandunresolved

I wish I could get "your actual life wrapped" with stats on how much time I spent doing all the things, even stupid little habits or whatnot. Oh! And an efficiency deficit report with my top 3 changes to make. Can you imagine how much that would change your goals and behavior? Like a year end review from God to know where I met His expectations (exceeded seems unrealistic here) and what I really need to improve. Holy smokes.

I'm all about prayer because without a doubt it works, but this type of feedback? From the one who sees everything? So cool. Possibly horrifying. But useful.

Alas, God is not a database, so...trial and error it is!

#My Life wrapped would be so much more helpful than Spotify wrapped #trial and error #2026 intentions #to do more of something you must do less of something else #life is hard #new years resolutions #God #faith

tiktoks-i-enjoyed

A short poem: The thing we couldn't do becomes the thing we can

By @ goodthings4blackgirls.

queerandunresolved

Reminds me of something my grandma said over and over again when I was a kid. "Everything is hard before it's easy." Sometimes I forget that being an adult doesn't give me a shortcut to the hard part of learning and doing new things. This poem really captured the feeling. Put a finger on it in my chest and made it wiggle around to remind me that yes, you can...just not yet.

#learning #trying new things #grief #adulthood #growing #do something new #try something new #grandparents #grandma #wisdom #you can do it

Tasty nugget from Inspired by Rachel Held Evans quoting Kathleen Norris: "The Psalms demand that we recognize that praise does not spring from a delusion that things are better than they are, but rather from the human capacity for joy." -Kathleen Norris, author of The Cloister Walk

#episcopal #episcopalian #christian #christianity #faith #Jesus #praise #bible #psalms #Kathleen Norris #The Cloister Walk #joy #seeking joy

freakoutgirl

sorry for being annoying [remembers that practicing gratitude instead of shame is better for my mental health and my relationships] thank you for letting me be annoying with you

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My 2026 tbr list to balance out the inevitable questionable fantasy, sci-fi, and smutty KY reads. Got to avoid the panic of being asked "What'cha reading?" because I'm definitely not telling them I'm reading another fated mates romantasy.

2026 Intentions

On the winter solstice (December 21st), I saw a couple Instagram reels on setting intentions for the coming year. I'm pretty sure it was all rooted in Wiccan practices which 100% are not bad, but as an Episcopalian turned Mormon turned ex-mormon turned Episcopalian, it's not in my wheelhouse (yet?) but honestly it sounded like a really fun idea and a definitely better way to prepare for 2026 than making a bunch of unachievable new years resolutions.

What I read (watched) said that I needed to set 13 intentions, write them down in present tense, fold them up on small pieces of paper, and then starting that day and the following 11 days, properly dispose of (burn) 12 of the 13 intentions to show that I would be trusting the universe to take care of those. The remaining intention would be for me to nurture and care for more intentionally on my own.

I'm pretty sure the intentions were supposed to be focused on feelings rather than concrete descriptions of myself, but I'm giving myself some grace here since I decided to do this based on one video (and then re-Googling it a bunch when my ADHD brain inevitably forgot important details such as how many days in I was and how many intentions I should have left, haha).

Anyway, I wrote them down, rolled them up like tiny, itty-bitty scrolls (cute!) and used the overturned top to my fancy pants Versace perfume bottle to keep them safe in the bathroom like a weird little bouquet.

I don't trust myself to burn things safely in the house (or anywhere really) because I'm pretty clumsy and easily distracted and I also had my parents and sister's family staying with us for Christmas and I was not about to explain why I was trying a fun little Wiccan practice I found out about through Instagram that morning. My business is my own. I wasn't interested eliciting raised eyebrows and judgy questions -- unless my ADHD brain decided to overshare, but I was locking this one down. Except telling my partner. I had hoped she would want to do it with me, but she didn't suddenly, drastically, magically change from her known anti-new years resolution ways. Shocking.

So the other alternatives to burning the intentions were to bury it (yeah...no), or send it down a stream or river (also no). I decided that letting the paper dissolve in a Dixie cup of water while I brushed my teeth and then flushing it down the toilet was basically the same thing, just a little less aesthetic. So I flushed the intentions I trusted the universe to take care of...down the toilet. As I type this, I'm realizing that was probably not the best way to treat intentions I hope to come to me in 2026, seeing as the symbolism basically says buh-bye to those intentions. Whoops.

Hopefully the universe has pity on my stupidity.

My intentions weren't anything surprising tbh and I was kind of disappointed in the one that was left at the end, but now that I'm reflecting on it, it makes sense. Sort of how you can make whatever shape you want out of clouds if you squint hard enough. Still working on that positivity.

Anyway...here are my 2026 intentions set during the winter solstice.

2026 Intentions

I read books that strengthen and nourish me (Instead of the questionable choices I make by means of Kindle Unlimited)

I am a great mom (Honestly, I just needed the trust this one would be made true because I have some mad imposter syndrome about pretty much everything in my life)

I exercise and eat healthy (Gotta include some basic ones, right?)

I do not worry about money (Trying to take the focus off material things)

I speak to myself with love and respect (Just not calling myself a fucking idiot would be an improvement)

I do not fear trying to make friends (Because social anxiety tells me making friends is just as risky as hunting bears in the woods)

I assume positive intent (Hey, stop being an asshole by assuming everyone is thinking asshole things about you)

I accept my ADHD as part of me and not a failure (This one will probably require therapy)

I facilitate growth and connection at work (Get it girl!)

I am a loving, affectionate, respectful, and playful partner (Stop being a lazy partner because you've been sucking at that lately)

I put my family first (My partner's and my kids' happiness is the priority this year)

I am a selfless person (A generic way to prioritize volunteering, helping neighbors, and generally being more proactive about being the kind of person I want to be)

And the last one...the one that I'm in charge of this year:

I find joy in the act of living

Starting the new year with good intentions doesn't mean there won't be shitty days. It doesn't mean that I will suddenly maintain motivation or that my ADHD brain won't fuck me over. However, I can choose to find the joy despite the frustrations. I can choose to find the joy despite the inevitable sadness. I can choose to be the joy when it's hard to find. I did a pretty good job at genuinely enjoying being with my girls last year. I found even the frustrating parts of parenting not so bad, maybe because I'm learning to better appreciate the time I have with them since co-parenting slices away half of their childhood (brb, sobbing). But I'm pretty abysmal at finding the joy in everyday life when it's just me and my partner, and even worse when it's just me. If life is to be enjoyed and not just endured, it's time for me to do the work to find the joy in everyday life; peek around the corners, open the doors, and sometimes I might just have to squint a little more to see the joy. I can do that.

I think I can...I think I can...I think I can. Chugga-chugga-choo-choo bitches!

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