Why do parents of autistic children have a tendency to react so strongly in opposition to adult autistic advocates?
My understanding is that they have been indoctrinated by the dominant narrative surrounding autism.
The demonising, scaremongering, dehumanising rhetoric pushed by the majority of autism organisations and their "awareness" campaigns.
Autism $peaks being the most well-known culprit, but they are by no means the only one.
This pervasive narrative is full of ableist constructs and deductions that are lacking in deeper insight because they are made by professionals who have been observing us from the outside and interpreting our behaviours via the allistic framework of existing and functioning.
From inside our community we have a very different view and it clashes greatly with the picture that has been painted of us.
When we speak up about these discrepancies it challenges the deeply held beliefs of parents who have invested in this narrative of pathology and deficit and burden.
Having deeply held beliefs challenged feels akin to an attack and elicits a state of fear and resistance.
Also parents are under immense pressure, women especially, to be Doing Everything Right and that can foster a sense of insecurity that awakens when their parenting techniques and choices are questioned.
One defence mechanism for feeling insecure is to double down and go on the offensive as a means of self-preservation.
Autistic activists challenge what people think they know about autism and what they think they know about parenting an autistic child and that can be too overwhelming for some people.
It may be especially hard for them when we as activists may not have the energy, ability, patience or desire to construct our sentences in a way that dances around a person's ego and instead we just get right to the point.
We can be blunt and they can interpret it as aggression.
In a lot of situations, not just interacting with parents of autistic kids, we are expected to mask to some degree for what we say to be palatable instead of people just taking on board the information they have been given.
This is other people making us responsible for their own emotional regulation, they don't want the way we say things to cause them any discomfort or distress or else they won't even engage with the words we saying.
Unfortunately we cannot dictate or control other people's emotional reactions aside from pre-empting sensitivity and going gently to try and account for that.
All we can really do is to try and anticipate a defensive and emotional reaction and then decide if we are going to try and deliver our information in a way that accounts for the fragile and defensive state they may be in.
Some days we need to express and honour our pain and anger we let other activists be the gentle patient ones.
There is not a single true and proper way to pursue activism and the message is valid regardless of its delivery: autistic adults know more about the needs of autistic children than ANYONE because we have had 18 years lived experience in that role.
Of course there is always the risk of pushing people away by forcefully, and truthfully, telling them that, by using behaviourist approaches and/or engaging in pursuits to eradicate undesirable autistic traits, they are complicit in the abuse of their child and that they are setting their child up for a lifetime of PTSD.
Most people find that so hard to hear that they decide we are aggressive and unreasonable and that we are telling them are evil.
Being unwittingly complicit in abuse is not the same thing as consciously setting out to damage someone, good people do bad things all the time, but that nuance is often lost on people who feel that being called out on one behaviour/belief/attitide is an attack on their entire existence and is akin to character assassination.
I am aware, from experience, that it can really challenge our sense of identity as morally robust people to be told that our choices and behaviours are harmful.
Thankfully I eventually arrived at a place where I understood that being a good person is less about an inherent internal source of goodness and more about the actions we make, what motivates us to make them and how much care we take to genuinely ensure that we minimise harm and act in the kindest and most nurturing ways possible.
Obviously not everything I do is good because everyone is fallible, to be human is to err.
But learning from mistakes and taking time to force myself to take a seat and observe and listen to people with different lived experiences has helped me wrangle with that wounded feeling that spurs defensive action when informed that I have made a choice that has caused, encouraged, condoned or perpetuated harm.
It's a really really uncomfortable place to be emotionally, and to engage with it and allow it to exist is not at all pleasant - but the outcome is personal growth and a deepening of my compassion and that feels joyful and loving and much more peaceful.
Misguided choices, even with the best of intentions, can cause irrevocable harm.
It does not make you a bad person, it makes you a person who has made a harmful choice - something I can guarantee literally everybody has done in some way or other countless times throughout their lives with varying levels of awareness about the impact of their choices.
For example: my mum loves me fiercely, but the way she raised me has caused me deep hurt and I am spending my adulthood healing from that.
She is, objectively, a good person and I love her very much.
But she made ill-informed judgements and choices and I carry the trauma of that.
My hope is that we can spread awareness and shift attitudes such that actually autistic voices are afforded the gravitas and weight and power to make an impact in the global social narrative around autism.
Where we lead in creating spaces and services for autistic people, autistic people and their families flourish.
It's a very simple notion but shifting the weight and location of power from outside the autistic community to within the autistic community is a massive task and I know I won't live to see my dream realised in its entirety.
I can only hope to observe what progress we are capable of driving forward during my next 50+ years on this planet.
baratheonpilled
romaincrisis
2087
dededos
